Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Internet, It’s Like A Series Of Crazy Tubes


I get mail.

A lot of it is cool. I like getting mail from people who enjoy this site.

Some of it is sort of cool. I’ve been getting a lot of offers lately to guest post on other sites. I say sort of cool, because these proposals make no mention of payment. I don’t write for free, unless it’s for myself, here. But then I owe me a favor, so I’m kind of obligated to myself and I'm holding me to my word - if you get what I’m saying.

Some of it is not cool. I occasionally get mail from people who take strong exception to what I write. Usually these emails make multiple references to the special Fundie Bible and where I’m eventually going to end up (one last week mentioned that I should invest in 60+ sunscreen – because, near as I can figure from the, uh, creative spelling and capitalization, apparently the sunlight in hell is really, really strong, either that or brimstone radiates in the near UV). About half the time I’m fairly certain that the writer hasn’t actually read anything I wrote. Ever. I usually delete these, but I do keep a few of the more creative ones, especially if they contain death threats. They might be handy later, if you get my drift.

Then, well then there’s the stuff I classify as other (remember this one?). Today I got this:

SergeG to Me:

IT IS NOT A SPAM, but if you received that message second and plus time JUST CLICK DELETE button and have a nice day. Don't feel bad, please understand original Scarlett's family very desperate to shut down that humiliating antichristian "actress" clones line career development. Hello dear Ladies and Gentlemen! I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson ?actress? actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian last name, who has nothing with acting career, surname Galabekian, because of adoption happened in 1992. Clones was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not d**n sexy),most important - CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you more,those clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, Rhineland-Palatinate, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff strictly controlling all their clones (at least they trying) spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Original person is not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if we all will try slow down that ''actress'' career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that. Please remember that original Scarlett's family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created in it was stolen and it is stolen. It all need to be delivered to authorize personals control in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Original Scarlett never was engaged, by the way! Her close friend Serge G. P.S. CONTROLLING ACTIVITY OF ANY CLONES IS US MILITARY OPERATION. Check also here: http://www.flickfilosopher.com/blog/2008/10/warning_stolen_biological_mate.html H.R. 534, the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2003, was introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives on February 5, 2003. After discussion, it was passed on February 27 by a vote of 241-155. It now moves on to the Senate for consideration. This bill makes it unlawful for any person or entity to perform or participate in human cloning, or to ship or receive embryos produced by human cloning. The penalties are imprisonment of up to 10 years and fines of $1 million or more. These now join other nations as diverse as Norway, Australia, and many other countries, which had already added cloning for any purpose to their criminal code. And in Germany where it carries a penalty of five years imprisonment they know a thing or two about unethical science.

Back in October, Serge apparently sent a similar missive regarding the illicit cloning of the unsexy Christian lady Scarlett Galabekian to Flickfilosopher Mary Ann Johansson (my very favorite movie reviewer, and one of the few who actually gets The Thirteenth Warrior, go Mary Ann!). Mary Ann posted it on her blog, and Serge even showed up to make a few comments, much hilarity ensued. I’m flattered to make Serge’s mailing list and as much as I like the FlickFilosopher, I don’t think Mary Ann gave SergeG the serious consideration he deserves.

Others might regard this as just the ravings of a crazy mad German, hopped up on yeasty beer and imported mad cow infected meat from England (think the war is over? Think again. How do you want your cheeseburger, Klaus? Rare? Jawhohl!), but to a trained military analyst such as myself the veracity of the message is apparent in detailed analysis of the first sentence: “IT IS NOT A SPAM.” It’s subtle, but with the proper training it’s impossible to miss.

Now, I do admit that it is really difficult to imagine that the original donor of the biological material is “not d**n sexy” – Either that or “damn sexy” means something else entirely in the Rhineland. I mean, according to Serge, isn’t Scarlett Johansson supposed to be a copy of Scarlett Galabekian? (Well, except for the Christian part that is, apparently you can’t clone that stuff). But see, here’s the thing, wouldn’t the clone be less sexy? Clones are copies of the original, and as anybody who has ever used a Xerox machine can tell you, copies lack something. Originality maybe. They’re a little fuzzy around the edges, a little blurry and faded. If Scarlett Johansson is a copy, Scarlett Galbekian must be some seriously smoking hawtness. Just saying.

Of course, cloning being a Nazi technology under command of Helmut Kohl’s staff, and Germans being the anal-retentive engineers they are, maybe they’ve figured out how to make the copies more sexy than the original, kind of increase the sharpness so to speak. Do a little photoshopping in the incubation phase or something. I’m really not up on the particulars of illicit large scale clone armies. Thank God for expert whistle-blowers like Serge. SergeG would know too, he’s Scarlett G’s close friend, so we should probably take his word for it. Beside, he knows a thing or two about unethical science!

It would be easy to dismiss this warning as just another crazy German with an internet connection and no pants – But see Johansson was in The Island, a movie about clones! And who was her co-star? None other than Ewan McGregor, who was not only in The Island (a movie about clones!), but also in Attack of the Clones (a movie about freakin clones!)

Coincidence? Yeah, sure.

The signs, folks, they’re everywhere.

And Cloning would go a long way toward explaining Johansson’s rather fuzzy acting style.

Maybe the Germans could work on that.

Also, maybe they could send me a catalog of available models – purely for research purposes, of course.

And a price list.


Note: As a retired military officer and someone still bound by the provisions of US security regulations, I can neither confirm nor deny any military mission relating to the monitoring, control, lusting after, or attending movies of any clone.

Also, I completely deny the rumor that I myself am a clone of Tom Selleck – any resemblance is purely in my head.


  1. I am sorry, no I am not. If there was a way to clone hot women, Scarlet Johansson should be the first one on the list. Nuff said.

  2. ::cough::Jennifer Connelly::cough::

    Man, you get some cool SPAM.

    Yeah, I think ole Serge got some mold in his Weiße.

    ...back to programming

  3. I'm not going to get sucked into which hot chick should be cloned.

    Besides, one Summer Glau can kill you with her brain, imagine what a whole army of her could do. just imagine......

    Uh, excuse me

  4. Scarlett Johansson clones?

    I'll take two, please.

    ::begins fishing around for his credit cards::

  5. Clones of Miss Johanson? I'll take one in a size 3 please.

  6. No.

    Now if they were cloning Hugh Jackman or Liam Neeson or one of my cats, that would be a completely different story.

  7. Hey, it's not like I'm selling them or anything - though I'd be happy to take your money fellas (and gals too if you swing that way, money's money) You all are going to have to talk to Helmut.

    Though I am thinking about seeing if the Germans will franchise me a distributorship...

  8. Clones 'R Us... And Us And Us And Us, Inc.

    Dr. Phil

  9. I'll take a Harrison Ford please, the pre-Calista model.


  10. If you cloned Tim Allen, would he be a Home Improvement clone?

    If you clone a midget accountant and then kill him, have you taken out a small business clone?

    If you obtain genetic material from the greatest minds in history--Einstein, Darwin, etc.--and make copies with the assistance of government labs and grants for the purpose of founding a University at which these great minds will teach and perform new research, would you refer to the entire project as subsidized college clones?

    And--because I just have to ask--if somebody else digs up the body of Henry Morgan and makes a clone and then you purchase the clone secondhand, is it a used arrr clone?

    I must know.

  11. Hello Mr. Jim,

    THIS IS NOT A SPAM. I come with open arms of friendship and business of bull. Do you want to be like bull in this TROUBLING ECONOMIC TIMES? Of course you dotn!

    Let me then bent your earloben to this INCREDIBLE BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY. Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium is looking for DISTRIBUTORS and FRANCHISES in YOUR AREA! In no time at all, you too can live LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. No more banging away on kettles of stone.

    How many times you hear friend say, "Oh man, I wish I could have a piece of that" while watching favorite actress in movie? Well wish no longer because by becomeing a distributor of Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium you can get a piece of that, and help others get pieces too?

    Current bestsellers include:
    Scarlet Johansson
    Angelina Jolie
    Jessica Simpson
    and many more!

    Act now and customers can get a FREE DISCIPLINE BAT (tm) with their purchase of the Tom Cruise clone.

    Do not wait. ACT NOW for RICHNESS and FORTUNE. As a distributor for Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium you too can be a SUPPLIER OF THE STARS!!!

  12. Dear Sir Or Madam,

    It has come to our attention that you have been contacted by Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium, an inferior copycat of Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones. Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium was founded by a disgruntled former employee, Mr. Clone, who our founder, Mr. Clone, is currently litigating against in eighteen countries. Mr. Clone of Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium does not have the necessary patent rights or ownership interests in the copied genetic material of various celebrities owned by or exclusively licensed to Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones, and you should be warned that any purchase of clones from Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones would be procurement of a bootleg and potentially actionable against you by Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones under the Digital Millenium Copyright Act (DMCA).

    But why settle for a lesser product? Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones can offer you a wide selection of celebrity and historic figure clones, alongside our highly popular extinct-species line.

    In addition, Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones is pleased to offer in 2009 our new iClone!(TM) option. With iClone!(TM), Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones will send you an iClone!(TM) kit consisting of a swab, a sterile test tube, and secret-recipe nutrient/preservative fluid. Simply take a swab of epithelial cells from the inside of the mouth, put the swab and nutrient/preservative fluid into the sterile test tube, and return the kit to Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones with the included iClone!(TM) Customer Customization Questionaire. Would the perfect heir to your business empire be somebody just like you? iClone!(TM) can make it happen. Are you a third-world despot needing a half-dozen identical decoys to ward off assassination attempts, only you don't want them to be smart enough to themselves become a threat to your slippery grasp on the reins of power? iClone!(TM) is for you--simply check "Dumbification"(pat. pend.) on the Customer Customization Questionaire and enter the exact percentage of Dumbification(pat. pend.) desired, and Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones will give you a disposable you to confuse your generals and distract the CIA! iClone!(TM) will even help you restore a dead spouse, high school sweetheart, or beloved pet to life (and at any age desired through our patented "Oldification" process of accelerated apoptosis)!

    Don't settle for a second-rate imitation! Let Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones handle all of your genetic duplication needs!

    -Mr. Clone,
    Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones

    (Cloning and Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones may not be legal in the following states: AL, ID, IA, ME, MD, MS, MN, MO, NM, NY, NC, ND, OH, OK, OR, PA, RI, parts of SD, TN, TX, WY. Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones is not responsible for liability resulting from a clone going insane and trying to steal your life or for emotional distress or marital difficulties caused by confusion of family members, spouses, loved ones, pets, farm animals, or government officials. Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones will not be liable for any injuries or damages caused by comic mishaps involving mistaken identities, multiple copies being in/near the same place at the same time, or misunderstandings resulting from one clone being told something that another clone doesn't know about. Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones is not legally responsible for crimes committed by or against clones. Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones is a limited liability corporation headquartered in Wilmington, DE.)

  13. Dear Mr. Clone,

    I'll take two Summer Glau's and a jessica Biel. Thanks.

  14. I can kill you with my mind.

  15. If you really are Summer Glau, I'd let you.

  16. We can get clones in IL. Sweet!

    I'll take an iClone that can go to work for me please.

  17. Dear Mr. Jim,

    Do you know why Mr. Clone's Emporium of Clones has such a lenghty disclaimer at the end of their advertisement? It is because of the shoddy manufacturing practices with which they produce their inferior clones.

    Did you know that they turn to witchcraft, voodoo and other unseemly means to create their clones? Sure, you might enjoy having an iClone to take care of the things you don't want to do, but do you want your iClone to attack you? Too many times, Mr. Clone's Emporium of Clones products have lead to incidents like this.

    Do not purchase an inferior product made, in part, with supersticitous practices. Do not put yourself or others at risk.

    Mr. Clones Clone Emporium uses only the latest and greatest in cutting edge clone technology. And our clones come DRM free, unlike the iClone.

    In fact, the October 2008 issue of Consumer Reports' special report on cloning rated Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium much higher than Mr. Clones Emporium of Clones in customer satisfaction and product longevity. But you don't have to take our word for it.

    Bob Boberton is a satisfied Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium customer. This is what he had to say: "I've tried other cloning companies before, but for my money, no one makes a clone like Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium. Their clones are top of the line and come with a 100% money back garuntee. Each clone comes with a full warranty tramp stamped on the small of the back. I don't know where I'd be today without my Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium clone, and that's the God's honest truth."

    So there you have it. Don't settle for those other guys' clones. Make yours a Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium clone. And tell 'em Mr. Clone sent you!

  18. Well, we certainly don't want any inferior clones, I can tell you that.

    Personally I only buy clones that are genuine Made in Germany products utilizing authentic Nazi technology. Sure it costs more, but I'm worth it.

  19. Dear Sir Or Madam,

    It has come to our attention that our inferior, unlicensed, unauthorized imitator, Mr. Clone of Mr. Clone's Emporium, has yet again attempted to drum up business for his lackluster spin-offs by making an unwarranted reference to a single incident that occurred in Australia in 2007. Of course, what Mr. Clone leaves out of his vicious attack is (1) that this incident occurred while he, Mr. Clone himself, was Quality Control Supervisor for the line that produced the errant clone and (2) this isolated, rare, nearly-unheard-of once-or-twice-in-a-batch-of-fifty incident only occurs when unfiltered fluoridated water is used in the cloning process. Since 2007, every clone produced by Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones uses diamond-filtered, triple-distilled spring water. What does Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium use, you might ask? Ordinary tap water from the Trenton, NJ municipal system. Who do you think has the larger incidence of line zombieism now, eh? That's right! Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones has less than a one-half of one-percent incidence of zombieism occurring right off the production line, less than our nearest competitor (Clones'R'Us&Us&Us).

    We also must point out that Consumer Reports published a partial retraction of their unfairly-maligning review of our services in their most recent issue.

    And did you know that "Bob Bobertson" is none other than Robert "B.S." Bobertson, Public Relations Director for--you guessed it--Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium? That's right, he is a corporate shill, and so is Robert Bobertson(2) and Robert Bobertson(5). Regular viewers of the CBS news program 60 Minutes will, we understand, be seeing Robert "Bobby" Bobertson(3) in two weeks, discussing the tragic and public disintegration of his brother Robert Bobertson(4), a Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium product, abruptly de-evolved into a primitive nearsighted, three-toed, lemur-like primate while he was flying a passenger jet full of nuns and orphans from a refugee camp to a church in Pennsylvania willing to give them a fresh start in life, with tragic consequences for all aboard. (Nobody survived except, ironically, the former Robert Bobertson(4), who was able to leap through a broken cockpit window and snag a branch with his tail as the plane hit the treeline. You may have read about the accident in USA Today and seen the episode of Oprah featuring the nuns' family members--the other victims in the incident being orphans.)

    Which reminds us, of course: Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clone has a 100% guarantee that no "junk" DNA will spontaneously self-activate or your money back and a free replacement clone will be mailed to you!

    Don't believe the hype and lies of Mr. Clone's Clone Emporium! Ignore the rest, try the best: Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones!

    We're the originals (sort of).

    -Mr. Clone
    Mr. Clone's Emporium Of Clones

  20. I've decided to go with a DIY Clone Kit from Amazlone. Thanks.

    Now, if I can just get a sample of Scarlett...

  21. Think I'd settle for the discount Dusku, boss. Or maybe the pre-Entrapment Zeta-Jones.

    But I'm waiting for the Japanese versions--I hear they come with remote controls with "mute" and mood control options.


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