…after I take over as Ultimate Emperor of the Universe is to impose ironclad dictatorial rule.
I’ll try to be fair.
I’ll try to listen to the people.
Really, I will – even though most of the people are idiots.
I’ll use my unlimited power to make the world a better place. I’ll feed the hungry, clothe the destitute, shelter the poor, drive technology to unimagined heights, make the streets safe and the trains run on time, repair the environment, heal the Earth, stabilize the economy, impose universal peace, inspire the masses, and basically usher in a golden age of prosperity and free premium cable for everybody.
I’ll give everybody a plate of brownies and a free puppy.
I promise not to abuse my power, mostly.
But frankly there are a couple of areas where I intend to rule by fiat. I’m going to issue some imperial decrees and it’s going to be my way or the phlebotinum mines of Pluto. The following items are not negotiable, anybody who doesn’t comply is going to find themselves pursuing a new and exciting career as nutrients in the farming sector (the Empire will be big on recycling).
Imperial Decree #1: All cancelled TV series - no matter how many episodes were actually broadcast - will be required to dismount on a two hour wrap-up movie where all questions and mysteries posed during the series are answered. Followed by a one hour question and answer period. Supplemented by a detailed webpage where the writers will be available in real-time chat to answer my questions regarding their intentions.
Notice I’m not telling networks that they can’t cancel a show. I’m not telling networks what shows to broadcast – with the exception of the Imperial Firefly Channel which will be broadcasting a newly revived series with an unlimited budget and the original cast in HD, commercial free, courtesy of your magnanimous Ultimate Emperor of the Universe, you’re welcome – I’m just saying that if you’re going to cancel a great show for no reason whatsoever other than you’re an asshole rating-hound TV executive who thinks that recycled thinly disguised Star Trek plots are edgy and original (i.e. the Rogue Captain, the Professor, the Alien, The Ethnic Guy, and The Babe with Big Tits), well, then you’re either going to provide some answers or you’re going to be spending the rest of your short life at manual labor in hard vacuum on Pluto – right next to the Auto Industry Executives and Donald Rumsfeld.
Frankly, it might be a whole lot easier not to cancel shows I like. Just saying.
Imperial Decree #2: All food products will come in resealable packages. Period. Under no circumstances will food come in a package that has to be cut open with a pair of scissors and then put in another container in order to be stored in the refrigerator.
For fuck’s sake, how long have zippered plastic bags and disposable lidded plastic containers been on the market? Fifteen, twenty years now? What do they cost to make? A fraction of a penny? Is there any damned reason whatsoever why my Kraft American Cheese Slices come in an industrial strength, shrink-wrapped, heat sealed plastic envelope that has to be destroyed in order to open it? The Imperial Prince, he likes America Cheese Slices, he’s twelve – do you have any idea how much effort it is to get a twelve-year old boy to close the refrigerator door let alone have to get a ziplock out of the drawer and put the cheese in it? The next day he’s bitching that the slices are all dried out and nasty and then I’ve got to listen to that shit and that makes me irritable – which is a bad thing in an Emperor with unlimited power. Really think about it. The stuff is already in a plastic bag, put a fucking zipper on it.
And as long as I’m at it, is there some reason why potato chip bags aren’t resealable? Can’t close the bag, got to eat them all or they’ll go stale, nation full of fat asses – coincidence? Probably not.
Imperial Decree #3: Computer Error Messages will actually provide a detailed explanation in layman’s terms specifying the exact nature of the error, detailed instructions on how to fix it, and a phone number you can call to get a free hug by an ample bosomed grandmotherly woman who smells of lilacs. Any software programmer who codes an error message that contains an index numeric code, memory address, or hexadecimal in any form will be immediately deported to Pluto via the most unpleasant and dangerous means available. The CEO of any company whose software produces an error message that reads in full or in part either “Contact Your Network Administrator” or “You Don’t Have Permission to Perform the Requested Operation” will be thrown into a pit with wild starving dogs and ripped to shreds before cheering crowds.
Seriously, here folks, we’re on what? The fourth or fifth generation of the personal computer, and the third decade since since computer systems became umbiquous enough that we hardly notice them – and yet I’m still getting error messages that say things like “Error 180003 at F00031:C1783D, Contact your network administrator immediately.” Fuck you, I am the network administrator and I have no damned idea what the hell that means. Just say it in plain English! Why the hell do I have to look it up? I’m more than half tempted to preemptively pack everybody at Microsoft into unheated cargo containers and ship them out beyond Neptune orbit just as an example to everybody else.
Oh, and while we’re at it – the “Was this article helpful?” question at the bottom of every software Knowledge Base article? Pit. Wild Dogs. Think about it.
Imperial Decree #4: Under no circumstance will spoken disclaimers on TV or Radio commercials be allowed to exceed the speed of a normal conversation. Period. Also the person speaking the disclaimer is required to breath and use normal conversational breaks between sentences.
Yes, this will cost product manufacturers more to advertise their products, because the standard disclaimer will take a minimum of five minutes to read on the air. Tough shit. Make a product that doesn’t require a disclaimer or suck it up.
Also, all TV infomercial printed disclaimers will be printed in 24 point type across the middle of the screen in flashing red letters. You will no longer be allowed to print in little tiny unreadable letters at the bottom of the screen “This weight loss product is complete crap. Herbal supplements don’t make you smarter, reduce your cholesterol, or increase the size of your willie. We’re ripping you off. If you buy our product you are a complete fucking tool. Thank you.” And in fact, all herbal supplements will be required to use that exact disclaimer.
Imperial Decree #5: All webpages will be required to load completely, once, and then be done. Period. Ahhhh, you know, to hell with it, I’m just going to fire everybody at USA Today on-line into deep space. Problem solved. Nevermind.
Imperial Decree #6: Small, Medium, Large. Got it?
Not Medium, Large, and Biggie Size. Not SuperSize. Not Jumbo. Not Tall, Grande, and Bellismo. Not Venti. No cutsey shit. No obscure foreign words.
Small. Medium. Large. Those are the acceptable sizes. Know them. Love them. Use them. I don’t want to have this conversation again.
There are a lot of things on the old imperial agenda, but those are the important ones.
Thank you for your attention, loyal subjects of the Empire.
I’ll entertain suggestions from the crowd for additional decrees now.