Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Happy Thoughts! Think Happy Thoughts!

It is a proven scientific fact that thinking about something often causes it to happen. Some call this quantum physics. Others simply call it "faith."
It's a proven fact, folks. A scientific fact. If you think about something - it magically comes true. Like a duck's non echoing quack, a bumblebee's ability to fly, or Rush Limbaugh's uncanny ability to levitate the Republican party, science just can't explain it. And, as I'm sure most of you know, when science can't explain something - it's called quantum physics, which is really just a fancy elitist term for faith.

For example, earlier this morning I thought about breakfast. I thought real hard about it. Now I'm eating cheese grits - coincidence? Or a manifestation of quantum manipulation of the underlying fabric of reality in order to satisfy my hunger? Exactly. Think it, be it - that's the power of positive thought, folks. Pretty hard to deny the science when you burn your mouth on it.

I wish I'd thought a little harder about the salt though, my manifestation of quantum reality is just a tad flat.

The statement above is the genuine mainstream validated science behind Faith of Britain Day.
Faith of Britain Day will help us all overcome whatever obstacles and difficulties we may face as a country, an economy and as individuals. With over 80 million people concentrating their mental energies at the same time on the same day, we will unleash an irresistible psychic force that will, quite literally, make our dreams come true.
Basically the idea here is that on March 6th at precisely 11:00AM a group of six quantum psychics (psists?psychisitists? I'm not really familiar with proper designation of practitioners of quantum arts) and faith healing scientists will attempt to focus the mass mental psychic brain emanations of 80 million happily concentrating Brits in order to create an irresistible force and, literally, make everybody's deepest desires come true.

I know, it sounds crazy, but the science behind it is irrefutable.

Allow me to explain. Bear with me here though, quantum mathematics can be a little tricky.

First, there's the day itself. March 6. See March 6th isn't any ordinary day, it's the 6th day of the 3rd month of the 9th year, or 3/6/9. Ah ha! Six and nine are multiples of three, which is about balance, which is what we strive to achieve as humans (Don't feel bad if you didn't catch this right away, that's why there are professional quantumists).

Second, there's the time. 11:00AM. Eleven is a "master number." Eleven is what scientists refer to as a "Powerful 2(1+1)," which as I'm sure you all know from freshman college physics is the duality of the inner and outer self and that which encourages us to look within for solutions. Note: if you can't figure out how to make 11 from 2(1+1), it's because there are brackets in the equation. Brackets are an indicator of quantumness. Basically, you add up the numbers by removing the plus sign and then squish the ones together and then wish real hard about what number you want the answer to be. Thinking about something makes it happen folks - that's quantum physics. Its a hard concept to wrap your brain around, even scientists have trouble with it.

Still with me? Good.

Third, electricity. The human brain uses about 25watts of electricity to operate. 25watts times 80 million Englishmen will produce two gigawatts of electricity! That's 2,000,000,000 watts of juice. Now, even if not everybody in the Empire generates the full 25watts (I've seen the Royal Family and frankly I'm not sure Charles could power up a penlight), that's still a lot of juice. That's enough to run Rod Blagojevich's hairdryer for nearly a month, or maybe even open a rift in space time.

And finally even if you can't understand the math., there is the example of history. History is rife with examples of how mass thought can literally make our dreams come true just by wishing. I'd give you some examples, but it would just be belaboring the obvious.

Now while I think there is tremendous potential for good in Faith of Britain day, I also would be remiss in my duties as the Voice of Internet Reason if I didn't offer a few words of caution.

On the morning of March 6th, the British are going to unleash a powerful force, a veritable tidal wave of psychic energy.

What if works?

What if Faith of Britain Day actually works? And all of England's problems are solved? Suddenly Great Britain is the only nation without problems in a chaotic and fractured world. With the only strong domestic economy, Britain will suddenly dominate the globe. Will they embark on conquest, the Empire reborn? Will the Colonies be forced to once again submit to the Crown? Would there be a Positive Energy Gap between East and West, with each side seeking greater populations of positive thinking people?

The British are not exactly a happy people, what if Faith of Britain Day actually does make their dreams come true? How will the English handle their new happiness? What if the English began to enjoy themselves? The consequences could be catastrophic, hell they could end up indistinguishable from Americans!

And what is it that the British dream about anyway? Well I'll tell you: if Faith of Britain Day succeeds, the French are totally buggered.


  1. Never mind the buggery. The Brits are stealing from one of their own - Neil Gaiman and The Dream of a 1,000 Cats

  2. I thought Dreams Came True only in Disney Land!

    I don't want to wake up every morning to God Save The Queen! Too many extra words. I will concentrate on that date and time to thwart Britain's attempt at Quantum All-around Goodness.

  3. Governance via The Secret.

    Britain = Doomed.

  4. Well, see that's sort of what I'm afraid of - what if people don't think happy thoughts from 11:00 to 11:02 on March 6th?

    What if the psychics pick up the emanations of British Emos?

  5. I'll be filing suit in Ulan Bator to stop this travesty. It is plain to see (from watching every second episode of Quantum Leap in reverse order) that the safety issues of this experiment have not been considered properly. A person I met once on the internet (I can't find his address right now, but I read what he wrote and it was clear to all who had the openness to see what he was talking about), said that experiments of this nature have a 12.37825% chance of creating multiple black holes which will eat the Earth and then eat each other and then spit out the Earth in a really, really, really, really, scary place for the Earth to be.

    If this occurs, it is a fact that facts as we know them will cease to be. Please join my crusade to prevent this highly dangerous and irresponsible behavior on the part of European, Brit, Limey Judo-signtists.

    -Dr. Horace A. Snifferbot, PhD, LLC, Ltd., .edu, DVM.

    Thank Yew!

  6. DRAT! Tania stole what I was going to say.

  7. I'd say if people were paying to do this, that's one thing, but I don't think it's so terribly bad to encourage the English people to think about something nice for a short while. Sure, they might not have the Psychic Sonic Boom or whatever, but they might be nice to their fellow human beings for a moment or two. In my opinion, free and having even minuscule positive effects is a plus in this increasingly expensive and negative world.

    (my two cents)

  8. And BWAH! to Anonymous - well done! :D

  9. Jim - the correct title is "Quantum Mechanics".

    I know because I are one. :p

  10. Jim - the correct title is "Quantum Mechanics".

    Well, sure John, if you wish it that way.

  11. Great, does this mean I have to learn how to spell a bunch of words with a "u" and misspell "ass" and refer to elevators as "lifts" and call erasers "rubbers" without snickering?

    Quite a bloody load of bollocks that shite will be, i'nnit?

  12. Damn, I'm a French living in England, will I be twice as buggered or will I escape because I've learned some British manners ?
    What's your scientific take on my situation ? :D

  13. Well, Lysambre, I think depends entirely on if you're thinking happy thoughts or not ;)

    French living in England? How the hell do you put up with the food?

  14. Jim, you should check into this and find out if these multiple black holes mentioned by Anonymous are in addition to, or coinsiding with, the multiple black holes being created by the LHC?

    Is this an example of when physics realms collide?

    Enquiring minds want to know!


  15. This whole thing sounds damn dangerous to me. Also, isn't March 6 Michaelangelo's birthday (the Renaissance guy, not the turtle)? Wasn't the interweb supposed to be destroyed by a virus on March 6 a few years ago? Too many coincidences for me. Thank god I still have my Y2K stash of vittles and ammo.

  16. Anonymous did an excellent job. I particularly liked the ".edu" in the trailing initials. (sn*rt!)

    As far as this being explained by quantum physics, the quantum psychics people are filled with and motivated by a Physics quantity we like to call "epic FAIL". Just sayin'.

    Dr. Phil

  17. Hmmm, I wonder if on March 7th we will be able to see the 911 calls drop to zero, gas prices to hit zero and unemployment go to 100% while all bank accounts hit "rich" - should be interesting.

    Of course this worked so well the last time, when a faith group prayed for gas prices to go down... http://skeptico.blogs.com/skeptico/2008/08/rocky-twyman-prayer-gas-prices.html

    but maybe it just takes a while, you know, the quantum effect has to channel all of that positive energy and raise the collective consciousness in a carefully controlled way, too much too fast could destroy civilization!

  18. Actually, if we're all supposed to end up happy and rich, I'm buying a whole pile o' lottery tickets on 03/06/09...

    Ya can't win if ya don't play! ;D


  19. I don't really, put up with the food that is.

    It's one of the rare thing I still miss after five years, but well, given a choice between good food and living in a place where I feel safe, I had to choose the safe place.

    Give me a place where the food is as good as in France and the people are as respectful and polite as in the UK, and I'll have found my paradise !

    PS : only 5 days left, I'm thinking happy thoughts, happy thoughts (you know, just in case it takes time for my thoughts to reach th psychics and all)

  20. Keep thinking happy thoughts, Lysambre


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