Saturday, October 30, 2010

Attention Alaskan Conservatives: You Are Goddamned Cowards - Don’t Call Yourselves Americans

We went into Anchorage today.

When we came home we discovered that the Scott McAdams signs had been taken from our front yard.

Somebody with roughly size 12-14 boots ran through the snow from a truck idling on the road into my yard, ripped the sign from the frozen ground, and ran back to the truck.

Ran. Like a coward.

I posted this to my Twitter and Facebook accounts and got numerous reports of the same bullshit all over the MatSu Valley and up to Fairbanks.

This pisses me off. No really, you have no idea, no idea whatsoever, how much this pisses me off.

But you couple this nonsense to the voter intimidation and Murkowski’s write-in list chicanery at the early voting booths and my blood really starts to boil.

Then there’s this:

Sarah Palin took aim at Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski late Friday evening, after a phone call from the senator’s camp resulted in the suspension of a local conservative radio talk show host.

“Does all this sound heavy handed? It is,” wrote Palin in a Facebook post. “It is an interference with Dan Fagan’s constitutional right to free speech. It is also a shocking indictment against Lisa Murkowski. How low will she go to hold onto power? …She made it clear that if you disagree with her and encourage others to exercise their civic rights, she’ll take you off the air.”

Really? Is that right? Interference with a constitutional right to free speech? What do you call it when your goons come into my yard and take my signs? What do you call it when your thugs stomp on people’s heads? What do you call it when members of the media are handcuffed by your hired storm troopers for asking a question?

You, Sarah Palin, are disgusting travesty of a human being. You’re nothing but a fucking Nazi whore. And you Tea Party SA are the most pathetic excuses for Americans I have ever had the displeasure of running across. You dumb fuckers should just pin swastikas on your brown shirts and call it like it is.

Listen up, Palin, Miller, Teabaggers, and the rest of you conservatives assholes, because I’m only going to say this once: You keep talking about how much you like guns? You got it. You set foot on my property again, you attempt to intimidate me or mine, you attempt in any way whatsoever to interfere with my Constitutional rights and you will regret it.  I’m armed and I damned well know how to shoot. I am, in fact, an expert. A very experienced expert. This is Alaska, you set foot on my property again and I’ll ship you back to Joe Miller’s campaign headquarters in a fucking bag. Count on it.

New signs are up.

Shotgun is loaded.

Your move, Motherfuckers.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Rate This

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clip_image002clip_image002clip_image002clip_image002 Jim Wright: It’s a block of wood. As a block of wood, this block of wood met my expectations for wooden blocks. It was wood. It was a block. It was a block of wood.  This is like the surprise oral sex that you didn’t have to beg for of blocks of wood. This is the block of wood all other blocks of wood should be measured by.  I will treasure this block of wood for the rest of my life and I will certainly buy more blocks of wood from you in the future unless your competitors offer me blocks of wood at a better price, or surprise oral sex. I would have given this block of wood five stars because it is awesome, but I got a splinter.

Now my life is complete.

I’ve been asked to rate a block of wood.

Honestly, folks, what is the deal with this nonsense?

When the hell did we start having to rate everything?

I bought something from eBay a while back and for weeks afterward eBay and the seller pestered the shit out of me. Please rate me! Please rate me! Please rate your purchase! You have to rate your purchase!

You want a rating? I’ll give you a rating:

Seller was awesome. Prompt and reliable. It is extremely difficult to obtain unbaptized human child fat for use in ritualistic demon raising these days. I was reluctant to purchase online, but had no other options as local orphans have grown lean and difficult to catch. Seller was able to supply large quantities of buttery yellow baby lard at a reasonable price. Will definitely purchase from again!

Do these ratings actually matter? Will people read my review of a block of wood and say to themselves, “Hot Dog! I gotta get me some of that!”  And it’s not enough to submit of review of my purchasing “experience,” they’re after to me to tweet them up and like them on Facebook. It’s a block of wood. I make pens out of it. I ordered it from a supply house, I didn’t realize I was entering into a social compact with these people.

Where does this end?

- Charlie Sheen would like you to rate your date!

Capri Anderson: Negative Stars. Ended up naked and screaming in the hotel hall. Then had to make small talk with ex-wife and rug-rats while waiting for the cops! Did NOT get paid. WTF? Worst “date” ever. Boo. Would not date Charlie again.


- The Tea Party Express values your opinion. Please take a moment to share with us your recent public curbstomping experience by our jackbooted Storm Troopers!

Save the Whales:


Awesome! Thugs very effective. Especially liked having my head crushed against the cement. Will always treasure the sound of my skull imploding. Concussion unexpected bonus. Will definitely picket Rand Paul again.


- Customer reviews of the new TSA Full Body Scan

Requested the “pat down” (Hey, don’t judge me, a guy offers to fondle my balls in an airport, I’m all over that). Got scanned instead. This is blatant bait and switch TSA.

P.S. The pictures are a total rip off, I couldn’t even make out the naughty bits.





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Monday, October 25, 2010


Tonight my wife choose to watch a chic flick.

Here’s the tag line: A ghost tries to sabotage her former boyfriend's current relationship with a psychic.

You may imagine, if you will, my level of enthusiasm.

No aliens? No boobies? No explosions? Not even a car chase?

Oh goodie (Tomorrow, she will be forced to sit through Predators and at least one Terminator movie, balance must be restored to the Force).

However, as much as it galls me to say it, the chic flick turned out to be a fairly funny and entertaining movie called Over Her Dead Body.  Nothing particularly gut busting, but it had its moments. It starts out with Eva Longoria getting crushed to death under an ice sculpture. Since I can’t stand Eva Longoria, I considered that fairly amusing.

Reason I mention it, is towards the end, the soundtrack included a cover of I Can See Clearly Now by a singer whose voice I didn’t recognize.

Now I dig I Can See Clearly Now.

I’ve always really, really liked that tune. I’ve got the original Johnny Nash album, the Jimmy Cliff hit version, and, of course, the Bob Marley. It’s just such a great, upbeat song. I defy anybody to listen to I Can See Clearly Now and come out the other end with a shitty attitude. It’s just one of those truly great songs.

Here’s Jimmy Cliff on Letterman right after Cool Runnings came out (That reminds me, Damn, I miss John Candy):

I googled the movie soundtrack and found out that the cover version I’d heard was by a guy name Eagle Eye Cherry.  That’s his real name, the actual no shit name his folks gave him. Eagle Eye Lanoo Cherry. That is my official pick for Most Awesome Bad Ass Name Of The Universe.  Turns out he’s a talented artist as well.

Unfortunately, Eagle Eye’s version of I Can See Clearly Now doesn’t seem to be available anywhere, including YouTube.

However, in the process of finding that out, I discovered that I Can See Clearly Now has got to be the single most covered song in the history of music. Everybody, and I mean every damned body, from Gladys Knight & the Pips to The Mamas and the Papas to Willie freakin’ Nelson to the Muppets has done a cover. I spent three hours listening to different versions of the song, including the most awesome Ray Charles and by the end I was in a very good mood.

Then I found this:


Now that’s cool. 

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Dear Liberals…

…please knock this kind of dumbshit off: Wonkette: Joe Miller Runs Screeching From Simple Question.

Unless you really want Miller to be Alaska’s next Senator

The Wonkette piece, for those of you who didn’t click on the link, is precisely the kind of gleeful piling on that directly lends credibility to conservative assertions of being hounded and pilloried in the “Lamestream” press. And it’s very, very likely to blow right up in liberal faces leaving them all looking like a cartoon Wiley Coyote covered in soot holding a blackened match to a charred fuse and stick of dynamite.

Miller has already dug himself a deep enough hole that even hard core Republicans are practicing their spelling of “Murkowski” like kids brushing up on their vocab before quiz day in language arts.

As I’ve repeatedly mentioned, I intend to vote for the Democrat. I’ve got his signs in my front yard. I’m certainly no fan of Lisa Murkowski, but I’d take her over Joe Miller. I disagree vehemently with Miller’s position on just about everything and I’d rather have Cannibal Hitler’s Head in a Pickle Jar than Miller’s Tea Party Bigotry and Paranoia for my senator. I’ve certainly gone out of my way to ridicule his obnoxious ass here on Stonekettle Station.

A lot of people seem to feel the same way – and the wind is blowing chill and away from Joe Miller at the moment, so much so that it appears both Scott McAdams, the democrat, and Lisa Murkowski, the write in sad sack, have a real shot at beating Miller.

But, and listen up Liberals, the one thing, the one thing, that could turn that around and damned quick is going after Miller The Veteran. Keep attacking Miller’s Army service and you’re going to turn him into a conservative martyr. Keep it up, and you’ll outrage enough folks who will then feel it is their patriotic duty to go vote for Miller just to spite you. The Wonkette article is precisely the kind of thing that Miller can point to and say, “See? Told you so.”  It’s provably nothing but hyperbole and hysteria and it hands Miller and other Tea Party candidates the ammo they need to rally those undecided progressives.

The Wonkette article, linked to above, questioned Miller’s VA disability.

Now, I’m not saying it’s wrong to question a veteran, just because he’s a veteran, but in this case the article is the same kind of poorly researched character assassinating hysteria that the low brow Tea Party itself tends to engage in. It’s nothing but rabble rousing at the gutter level – the exact kind of crap both Miller and Sarah Palin routinely engage in.

As I may have mentioned, I detest Joe Miller – but as a veteran myself, I find the Wonkette article’s obvious insinuation offensive:

A West Point graduate who served in the first Gulf War, Miller boasts of his military record in his radio and teevee ads, yet refuses to discuss the nature or the degree of his service-connected disabilities; he receives monthly tax-free payments for life as compensation. If Miller is classified as 30% or more disabled, he receives additional payments for each of his nine dependents. This Veterans Administration benefits chart shows that Miller could conceivably be bringing in over $4,000 a month, tax free, depending on his disability rating.

Um, no. Not exactly.

1) There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to question Miller’s Army service. Records indicate that he was an adequate officer. Better than adequate. And he served in Iraq during the first Gulf War. He was awarded the Bronze Star – and, you know, they don’t hand those out for nothing. He received an honorable discharge. It pissed me off when Conservatives attacked John Kerry’s service record and discredited his service and decorations. The same applies here. It’s dishonorable and disgusting, Liberals, knock it off. It’s beneath you.

2) Miller is under no obligation to discuss private medical information or his degree of disability. Period. It’s none of your business and it has no bearing whatsoever on his candidacy.  As I mentioned, I’m a disabled vet myself (one of those “30% or over” mentioned in the Wonkette article).  Exactly what my disabilities are is none of your damned business. My medical history is private. So is Miller’s. So is yours – even if you decide to run for office. Maintaining the privacy of our medical records is one of the rights we veterans fought for.

3) VA Disability does not mean what you think it means, or what Bill Scannell implied it does in the Wonkette post.  Disability is awarded for service connected medical issues. Service connected. Not necessarily combat connected. Let me repeat that, service connected.  Because what we do is very, very physical, military folks often end up with permanent medical problems as a result of their jobs.  Take me, I will share a bit with you (even though it’s none of your business), I’m hard of hearing, significantly so on the right side. It has to do with my specialty. I spent a lot of time next to things that blow up, or in headphones listening to things I can’t talk about. As a result, my hearing is damaged. Significantly damaged. A percentage of my VA disability was awarded because of that.  I have permanent and significant damage to my left shoulder, a result of boarding operation gone bad. I walk with a limp most of the time. I’m in pretty much constant pain. The American public got their pound of flesh from me, and they can damned well pay for it. Miller was a Tanker, which puts significant stress on the body. Any permanent damage incurred on active duty entitles him to VA disability. That’s the deal. That’s the deal we made with our country when we signed up. Don’t like it? Don’t think it’s fair? Think we’re getting something for nothing? You go do it for a while and see if you still feel that way. No? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

4) He’s not getting a $4000 dollar check each month. That’s complete bullshit. And Scannell damned well knows it. Look how the line is phrased, “…could conceivably be….” Nice strawman there, Bill. Here’s how it works, a portion of your income is deducted from your pre-tax pay, and returned to you tax free.  The rest of your income is taxed the same as always.  Except under very special circumstance, such as 100% disability for combat related injuries, you’re not getting any supplemental pay from the VA or anybody else. All you get, for being over 30%, is a portion of your income left untaxed.  That “$4000 a month, tax free” is a big fat red herring. Miller is not getting an extra check from the government. Reality is, if Miller’s has a very high disability rating, say like 70% or greater (unlikely, just looking at him), up to $4000 of his reportable income per month could be untaxed by the federal government.  That is very unlikely – hell, even John McCain isn’t considered that disabled. That kind of disability rating is normally awarded to those guys who, you know, are missing a couple of limbs or eyes or a chunk of their brain or worse.

5) They don’t just hand out disability.  When you leave active duty and transfer to the tender mercies of the Veteran’s Administration, you undergo a thorough screening process. First your medical records are scanned in detail. Then you get a very, very thorough physical exam from a doctor that specializes in VA disability exams – i.e. his job is to keep you from getting any VA disability whatsoever. He is not your friend. Think you can fake him out? Maybe, but he sees a dozen Vets just like you every week. Good luck.  You’re scanned, x-rayed, probed, prodded, quizzed, and palpitated. Your blood is tested nine ways from Sunday for things the average civilian can’t even spell (most civilians aren’t exposed to asbestos and explosives and toxic chemicals and experimental medicines and whatever the fuck it was soaked into the sand of Iraq that gave us all Gulf War syndrome). Every injury you ever had on active duty is examined.  Every broken bone. Every sprain. Every X-ray. Every inoculation – like those goddamn NAPP tablets they gave us in the first Gulf War, the experimental drugs, the non-FDA approved drugs, that were supposed to protect us from nerve gas, except it turns out that they caused permanent nerve damage, so sorry. Every drop zone or deployment theater is checked against known problem areas – places that are infested with malaria for example. Whether or not you were in combat.  All of that information is evaluated and then goes before a board of doctors for final disposition and determination of your disability. It takes about six months for somebody like me (whose medical record came in two volumes both thicker than the average phone book).  Again, think you can fake them out? Go ahead, give it a try – all you have to do is go serve in the military for a couple of years first. I’ll wait. Let me know how it works out for you.

6) Finally, all veterans have some kind of disability rating – unless they elect for some reason not to go through the VA process. Most are 10% or so. Maybe 20%. That rating entitles them to certain benefits, such as vocational rehabilitation. Employment search assistance. Educational benefits. A bit of medical care (but no dental). A cookie and a cup of crappy coffee in the VA lobby. These are all things that were part of our contract for signing up in the first place, this is what the American people promised us for defending their goddamned ungrateful asses. This is most likely the level of disability that Joe Miller ended up at.

Again, you’re more than welcome to spend a couple years on active duty, go to war, earn a Bronze Star, and see how it works out for you. Let me know if you think you’re getting over compensated.

When conservatives blast the “liberal” media for creating falsehoods and for having an anti-conservative bias, this kind of bullshit is precisely the thing that lends their paranoia credence.

Miller’s own words and position and documented performance as a state employee speak loudly about his unfitness to lead either Alaska or America.

Making stuff up is unnecessary, counter productive, and clouds the real issues.

Seriously, knock it off already.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Everything I need to know about Democracy I learned from the Tea Party

Boy, nothing says traditional American values like the Tea Party, does it?

You betcha, folks.

That’s why, when I think of the "c" word, the Tea Party is the very first thing that comes to mind.


The "c" Word?

Conservatives. Why? What were you thinking?

Never mind. See, these folks call themselves conservatives because they believe they are conserving America’s heritage. Liberty and justice and such like are scarce natural resources, there’s only so much democracy to go around – if we give it to everybody there won’t be enough for real Americans (you know, real Americans, wink wink. You know). That’s why they call it inalienable.  If American rights were intended for everybody the Founding Fathers would have called them Alien Rights. But they didn’t, did they?

The Tea Party wants to shake the American Etch-a-sketch, erasing the last two hundred years of  history, and return us to a simpler time when men were men, priests were not lifetime members of NAMBLA, school teachers were celibate, every American was a patriot, Latinos were amusing sidekicks, Asians did the laundry, women kept their mouths firmly shut (except when they didn’t, boom chika bow bow), children were free labor, midget hurling was an Olympic sport, and black people were livestock.

Just like God and George Washington intended (Yes, midget hurling is in the bible. And GW loved a good dwarf toss. It’s true, you can look it up).

Those were the good old days of real America and, oh, how we miss them and long for that simpler, more patriotic world.

Hell, did I say 200 years? Conservatives would, if they could, roll the clock back to biblical times when man and dinosaur frolicked together (in a strictly platonic frolicking Christian sense, of course) - that’s why their candidates look like Grog, from those Geico Caveman commercials:


America, so easy a Conservative can do it!

We can’t go back in time, of course – because gay atheist scientists are too busy evolving the stem cells of aborted baby fetuses instead of doing something useful like inventing a time machine so we can rescue Jesus – but thanks to the Tea Party, we don’t have to travel in time.

We can bring the past to us.

Here are some of those traditional old fashioned American values:

If It Ain’t White, It Ain’t Right!

Once the Tea Party takes back America, honor will not only be restored, but the economy will recover instantly because white people will no longer have to waste precious brain power trying to tell ethnic minorities apart. "I think that you're misinterpreting those commercials," Tea Party Candidate, Sharron Angle explained to a group of Latino students, after being asked point blank why all her TV commercials (you know, the ones that end in “I’m Sharron Angle and I approve this message”) talk about terrorism and the exploding threat of illegal immigration and show unsavory brown skinned Spanish speaking people doing unsavory brown skinned Spanish speaking things. "I'm not sure that those are Latinos in that commercial. What it is, is a fence, and there are people coming across that fence. I don't know that all of you are Latino. Some of you look a little more Asian to me.”

I mean, honest to God people, who the hell can keep track of all those lesser races anyway? If they’re not white, they just look all the same – don’t get all pissy with me, you know it’s true. As Sharron Angle pointed out, even Latinos can’t tell Latinos from Asians, how the hell is a real American supposed to?


Back to Canunkistan, you filthy Asian bastards!

Angle then clinched the Canadian Latino Chinese vote by telling a funny story about how she was "the first Asian legislator in the Nevada Assembly."  She used her fingers to make her eyes look squinty and pretended to be a African American Asian Jew ordering a taco in Ebonics accented pig-Latin from an Arab. Ethnic people love that shit.

Blame Canada!

Those filthy socialist Canadians let terrorists into the United States. Hell, they’ve got a whole chunk of their commie population that speaks French for Christ’s sake.  As Sharron Angle pointed out, the real terrorist threat lies to the North!  And it’s not just the terrorism, those filthy flannel clad Canadian-baconbacks have been stealing our jobs for years! 


Where da white women, eh?

Try to imagine how many of us could be employed in the recording and acting business if it wasn’t for these goddamned metric system loving socialist bastards coming down here to steal our jobs. Hollywood is practically owned by illegal Canadians!


Communism is wrong, except when it is oh so very Right!

Fortunately, when it comes to securing the boarder, Alaskan Tea Party Animal, Joe Miller, has an idea: Let’s turn America into, wait for it, waaaaaaaait for it, East Germany! Because, folks, nothing says good old Constitutional American freedom like a great big fucking wall, some machine gun nests, a mine field, and about 2000 miles of barbed wire. Now, predictably, some sissy tofu-eating liberals took exception to the Patriotic Wall of Freedom idea, pointing out that the East Germans were trying to keep other East Germans from getting the fuck out of East Germany.  While that is true in a broad sense, it was an accident. Turns out the East Germans put the wall in backwards, because they were stupid commies.  Yep.  Joe Miller recognized this right away. See, he used to be Lieutenant in the Army and was trained in the use of Claymore mines.  It’s not enough to label a mine “front” and “back,” Joe knows you actually have to put a big damned sign on the front saying “this side towards enemy” otherwise Lieutenants tend to blow themselves up.  Same thing here. As long as we label one side of the wall “Point Towards Brown People (and Canadians)” we should be OK.  Liberals again tried to shoot down Joe’s American Shield Wall of Patriotic American Liberty by saying that it would add about seventy-five bazillion trillion dollars to the deficit – but  Arizona Governor Jan Brewer silenced that argument by pointing out that we could build the whole thing, including paint and landscaping, for less than fifty bucks if we just hired a couple illegal day laborers.


Canadians are overrunning Arizona! Why won’t Obama listen?

Equal Rights means not exercising yours!

Speaking of Latinos, what about the ones that are here legally? Hell, you know some of those people consider themselves Americans? Can you imagine? Now it’s true that we need someone to make the tacos and clean out Jan Brewer’s gutters, but to let them think they’re as good as real Americans? The Founding Fathers wouldn’t have put up with that nonsense.  That’s why the Tea Party-Naked Ministry of Propaganda put out a Spanish language ad on Nevada TV urging Latinos "Don't vote this November."

How do you say “Uncle Tom” in Spanish again?

Don’t vote, amigos! Let the Conservatives win! That’ll teach ‘em!


Talk to the Hand!

The Constitution clearly says that if you ask a candidate a question he doesn’t want to answer, you’re clinically “irrational.”  Under Sharia Tea Party Law, large unidentified men in black suits then have the right to slam you into a wall and handcuff you.  Only a freedom hating liberal commie socialist fascist would try to point out that those large unidentified men in black suits were actually active duty US Army soldiers.  God Bless America.  Federal troops interfering with the electoral process on state and city property? Booyah! That’s the kind of East German power to the people and state’s rights Thomas Jefferson was talking about, right there. Joe Miller was stationed in Germany, he knows freedom when he sees it.

image Sieg Heil, Bitches!

Besides, the Constitution clearly says that when a Tea Party Anointed invokes state’s rights, it’s time to just nod and move on.

image I have invoked states rights,

therefore your argument is invalid!


Hate Somebody!

It’s the American way, folks. All great political movements hate somebody. Hitler had the Jews. Mussolini had, well, the Jews. Stalin, more Jews. Ahmadinejad? You guessed it, the Micronesians. What? I’m kidding, of course it’s the Jews!  Unfortunately, Jew hating has been done to death (er, sorry).  Conservatives need something else. I know, how about Gays? Yah! They’re liberals anyway, and beside they fight like girls! It’s important though, not to take Conservative comments “out of context.”  Remember, we don’t hate gays for ourselves, but rather we hate gays for the children. For the children, people.

image Oh Baby! Check out those little Speedos!


The Tea Party, there’s really no crazy so crazy that you can’t find a bunch of crazy following it.

So remember, folks, this November, vote Tea Party.

For America.

Because it's important to keep hate and pessimism alive at all costs.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Me: “Not interested, thanks”

Her: “Don’t you want to support the war?”

Me: “I gave at the office.”

Her: “If you’re anti-war, you’re anti-American.”

Me: “I beg your pardon? Who are you talking to?”

Her: “We think it’s unpatriotic for an American to be anti-war in this day and age. Un-American.”

Me: “Unpatriotic?”

Her: “We don’t understand why liberals even want to live here if you hate this country so much…”

Me: “Stop. You know what, Lady? How’s about you and your Tea party pals shove it right up your wrinkly gray ass. You’re so enthusiastic about killing people for Jesus? You go do it.”


Being against war is unpatriotic?

Being anti-war is Un-American?

Only the filthy hated commie liberals are against war?

Despite the fact that these Tea party asshats  are significantly outnumbered by the rest of us, it’s their country and the rest of us should just pack up and leave? How’s that supposed to work?

Here’s a question for you, what kind of person is pro-war?

No, seriously, what kind of psychopath thinks war is a good idea? And when exactly did enthusiasm for war, war, become a criteria for patriotism or being an American?

According to the TEA Party biddy above who told me I wasn’t much of an American, there is no difference between supporting the troops and supporting the war.  If you’re not pro-war, you don’t support the troops. If you want to end the war, you don’t support the troops. If you question the United State’s reasons for going to war, into this war in particular, you’re not a “patriot” and shouldn’t even be allowed to call yourself an American.

When did peace become unpatriotic?

As most of you probably know, I’ve been to war myself. I spent almost all of my adult life in the uniform of the United States. I believe that war is sometimes a necessary evil.  I believe that the military option is sometimes the only option – when all else has failed. I do not believe that war should be a first option or even the second. I do not believe that war should be waged preemptively. I do not believe that you can bomb an enemy into democracy. I do not believe that war is diplomacy by other means, I believe that it is a failure of diplomacy and an abject failure of civilization.  War has been my profession for more than twenty years, I did it because it was my sworn duty to do so and because it was what I was good at. I’ve lost more comrades in arms than I can remember along the way and seen some pretty terrible things.

To have some feeble old bitch tell me that I’m not American enough is pretty goddamned galling.

It seems I run into these people far too often of late. Maybe I just notice them more. Maybe it’s my demeanor or the fact that I can’t just walk past these assholes without wanting to slap their little Ben Franklin hats off their pointy heads. Or perhaps it’s where I live, the bastion and birthplace of Sarah Palin’s Fuck Yeah America Conservatism. These people not only think war is the answer, they think war is the only answer. Might makes right. Kill them all and let God sort it out. Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. Be nice to America, or we’ll have our B-52’s drop some freedom on your country. They think in sound bites and those pithy phrases you find on bumper stickers. They carry guns and drive Hummers and they just can’t wait to declare war, war on drugs, war on the poor, war on terrorism, war on liberals, war on illegals, war on science, war on Islam, war on this and war on that.  To them, war is what General Jesus would do, war is awesome, war is all fireworks and drums and stars and stripes forever. The funny thing is that the biggest most outspoken of these pro-war chickenhawks never seems to have served in actual war themselves.  Not one of the band of American patriots who took us into the current conflict ever served in combat – Bush hid out in the National Guard and did his patriotic duty in the bars and frat houses of the Gulf Coast, the great patriotic warhawk himself, Dick Cheney, spent considerable effort to avoid putting his own ass on the line and the only enemy he ever faced with a gun in his hands was an 80 year old lawyer in a Texas cornfield.

Oddly though, one of the few conservatives with actual and extensive combat experience, John McCain, is commonly referred to as too liberal for conservatives.  They don’t like Colin Powell or Eric Shinseki either.

One of the most fervent pro-war ultra-conservatives I ever met, a local Scoutmaster, once spent an entire hour explaining to me why he couldn’t serve in Vietnam back when the country called him to war (needy wife, poor old mom, the farm, flat feet, bad ear, poor eyesight, college, etc, etc, but he would have served, boy he would have. If he could have. Sure, you bet), but that was different from  the un-American liberal cowards who refused to fight.

They love to wave the flag, these patriots, and they love to sing the Star Spangled Banner and send other people’s kids off to fight and die with parades and fireworks. They love those little yellow ribbon magnets. They love to hear the body counts on the evening news, twenty Taliban killed, fifty terrorists dead in a firefight, American troops victorious again!  God Bless America! They turn their eyes away though, when those flag draped metal boxes come back. Somehow you never see those on the news, do you?  One thousand one hundred and twenty eight US military men and women died in Afghanistan this year, four more today, how many of those did you see come home on TV? Why is it that they never broadcast images of the VA waiting rooms full of the maimed, the torn and sundered, the burned and scarred and blinded?  These patriots love their little bake sales and their little letter writing campaigns and their little tea parties, it makes their little red white and blue hearts sing to see the bombs and the missiles and the sleek fighter planes.  They’ll happily spend their hard earned dollars on a “Piss On Obama” bumper sticker for the back of their giant gas swilling Lincolns, but somehow can’t afford even a dime more in taxes to fund the VA or provide for all those returning soldiers.  Walk it off. Suck it up. Quit whining they tell us.  Our generation didn’t get a parade either – except, of course, they did. Fuck you. Be a man, keep it to yourself.  They can write a thousand enraged letters to their conservative representatives, demanding lower taxes and more jobs and smaller government and more war and Obama’s head on a pike, but somehow the Greatest Generation and the Not So Great Generation and the Fuck You I Got Mine Generation that followed can’t seem to get themselves worked up over inadequate equipment, unfunded VA facilities, eroding veteran’s benefits, lack of mental health and medical support for returning combat forces, and so on. Suck it up. Walk it off. We didn’t get a parade. Fuck you. Here, buy a yellow ribbon, support our troops and don’t forget to support the war!

They’re pro-life, these patriots, oh God are they pro-life.  They tell me that you can’t be both a Christian and pro-choice, oh no sirree.  Life is sacred. God given. Well, sacred as long as it’s in the womb of a liberal. They see the bulge of that belly and they’re all misty eyed and teary with compassion for that unborn American baby. They have to save those babies, for Jesus. This, this is why we go to war, to save the children! Then they go home and turn on the news and sneer with contempt at Iraqi and Afghan children, shattered and orphaned, maimed and scarred. Bastards had it coming for being born to terrorists. When the missiles fall they feel nothing but pride for our technological superiority, when the missiles fall on the wrong target – on innocents, on children, on friendly forces – well that’s just too bad. Shit happens. America can do no wrong, and when we apologize for our mistake these patriots feel nothing but the hot embarrassment of shame – not for innocent life lost, not for innocent life they claim to revere, not for innocent life they claim is given by their God, no they feel ashamed because patriotism means never, ever, having to say you’re sorry. And they just can’t seem to understand why damned near everybody in the world hates our fucking guts, even our friends and allies.

How they love war and war stories. How they love to talk about beating the Nazis and the Japs and Gooks and the VC – well, the ones that weren’t actually there anyway. Those that were, those that landed on the beaches of France, or spent that terrible winter in the black forests of the Ardennes, or at the Chosin Reservoir, or Tet and the Hanoi Hilton, or stood among the burning tanks on the Highway of Death, they don’t talk about it much.  But these patriots never stop to wonder why.

Oh how these patriots love the troops and respect us veterans – until they discover that some of us don’t live up to their myth of America, then suddenly we can just get out, move to a different country, fuck off and die.  Sarah Palin, when she was the Mayor of Wasilla, shook my hand and looked at the medals hanging on my Dress Blues and called me a real American hero – try to guess what she and her supporters think of me today. I voted for Obama and I still believe, I’m the enemy and un-American, yes I am.

Oh yes, how these patriots love us combat veterans. Three purple hearts, Bronze Star, Silver Star, and you’d better not speak ill of our heroes, you liberal bastards – unless, of course, the guy who received those decorations was a democrat, you know, like say John Kerry. He’s only a hero if he supported the war in Vietnam. It never occurs to them to wonder why he didn’t, even though he did his duty there far above and beyond anything these patriots could imagine.

How about Major Richard Winters?  The man who led Easy Company of the US Army’s 2nd Battalion, 506th PIR, 101st Airborne from the beaches of D-Day to Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest. A man whose brilliant leadership and raw courage at Normandy saved countless Allied lives and opened the way off that murderous beachhead – tactics that are still taught to this very day at West Point. Two Bronze Stars, the Purple Heart, and a Distinguished Service Cross – and there is a movement afoot right now to see him awarded the Medal of Honor before he dies.  He was the principle subject of Stephen Ambrose’s Band of Brothers.  He came home from war and choose never to return. When recalled to active duty for Korea, he offered to train troops but refused combat himself – and indeed went to Washington and pulled strings to get out of it. He was quite adamantly anti-war. Is he a coward? Is he un-American? Is he no patriot?  He’s 92 years old now, and in poor health, but were I you, I’d be damned careful telling this man to his face that he should move to a different county because he’s not American enough to suit the fucking TEA Party.

I’ll ask the question again: what kind of person is pro-war?

And do we really want those people in charge?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Me Thinks Joe Doth Protest Too Much

I’m certainly no genius when it comes to math.

But, you know, I can do basic arithmetic. You give me a #2 pencil, some data points, and a nice piece of graph paper and I can plot a curve. That’s what I’m saying here.

Meet Joe Miller, rightwing Senatorial candidate from Alaska.

A couple of data points:

Joe wants to end farm subsidies … yet he himself applied for and received such benefits.

Joe wants to get rid of unemployment insurance, he says it’s unconstitutional … and yet he fired his own wife (after he hired her illegally) instead having her resign. Firing her allowed the woman to collect unemployment benefits. Resigning didn’t.

Joe talks about integrity … see previous paragraph.

Joe wants open government … but claims “Attorney Client Privilege” when asked about his own work for the government here in Alaska.

Joe condemns Barack Obama for not releasing personal records … but refuses to release his own records or answer any more personal questions from the “Lamestream” media.

Joe is pro-life … and pro death-penalty. What's that called, retroactive abortion?

Joe condemns the Alaskan Dispatch and other bloggers for twisting his words and claims we create falsehoods about his position … yet he blatantly and deliberately and provably lied about Senator Lisa Murkowski’s vote on the Healthcare bill. When called out on it during a live TV debate by Murkowski herself, shrugged and continues to do it. It's not hypocrisy if you're doing it for Jesus, just sayin'.

Joe talks about Alaska for Alaskans … and takes significant support in both money and campaign assistance from the out of state TEA Party Express.

Joe thinks the scientific evidence for global climate change is “dubious at best” … but the pseudo-science behind creationism and other religious mythos is totally credible and should be taught in school.

Joe wants to end federally funded programs like Denali Kid Care here in Alaska … now that his brood is no longer enrolled in the program.

Joe wants to end federal funding for education, and indeed he wants to eliminate the Department of Education altogether because he says it’s unconstitutional … and seems to forget that taxpayers paid not only for his West Point education but then loaned him a whole bushel of money for his Yale law degree - money which he still hasn’t paid back by the way, despite his substantial income. (Oddly, on a related note, Joe still hasn't answered my and other veterans' question: i.e. if the Dept of Education isn't constitutional since it wasn't mentioned in the Constitution, what about the Department of Veteran's Affairs? The Department of Energy? What about the Department of Homeland Security? Hello?)

Joe believes in “equal justice under the law” … except for certain folks who shouldn’t be allowed to serve openly in the military or get married or adopt children or teach or, well, you know, but other than that people should be equal. Well, maybe except for those bastards who don’t believe in the correct Jesus.

Joe rails against the arrogance of Washington … but wants to rescind the 17th Amendment because he thinks voters are too stupid to be allowed to choose their own Senators, that you see should be reserved for totally humble lawyers and men of the people who went to West Point and Yale. See, Joe wants government “closer to the people” and according to Joe the way to do that is to empower government to decide who gets to be government. No contradiction there. Not at all. These are not the droids you’re looking for.  You can go about your business. Move along. Move along.

Joe thinks Medicaid is unconstitutional … now that he no longer needs it to support his eight children. Except maybe he didn’t actually need the assistance his family got, but that’s totally different from those welfare parasites who just keep having babies they can’t afford. Yes sir, it is. Totally different.

Joe wants to eliminate big government (and the federal employees that go with it) … yet oddly fails to mention that the vast majority of his own employment has been state and federal jobs and that he is actively and aggressively seeking another government job right now.

Now we draw the curve:

Joe hates gay people, saying homosexuality is “a sin and therefore immoral” …


No, I’m not insinuating anything. Nothing at all. Certainly not. And I have no idea where you got that idea. I never even implied that he has a shirtless Mr. Sulu poster on his garage wall, that was totally your idea. I’m appalled that you would even think it, yes I am.

Even if Joe Miller is an ultra-conservative republican…

Stop that.

And an ultra-religious Christian…

I said stop that.

Who wants to be a Senator

Why do you hate America? Why?

With a beard

Now you stop that! Stop that right now!

Look, I’m just saying that if you give me some graph paper I can tell the difference between a curve and straight line.

That’s all.

Note for those who don’t read this blog on a regular basis: Tongue firmly in cheek here, even if Joe’s face rug does set my Gaydar to flashing in rainbow colors.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Blue Diamond

The setting sun was brilliant yesterday evening.

The angled light rays illuminated the Chugach range in blinding white, and with the leaves now off the trees I could see the Knik Glacier from my back porch.


I don’t know about you, but it looks damned cold to me.

A couple weeks back a bunch of folks were stranded up there on the glacier when their sightseeing plane crashed. All survived the crash, but they were stranded near the center of the glacier with no way off the ice. A National Guard snow rescue team skied 20 hours through whiteout conditions to reach the crash site, bringing food and survival equipment.  A day later, the Alaska Air National Guard sent in a helicopter to pull everybody out. Unfortunately, due to the conditions on the ice, the rescue helicopter also crashed, again no one was badly hurt. But the second crash left both the erstwhile rescuers and the original victims stranded for a couple of days until the winds and storm conditions abated enough for another rescue attempt.

During the event, the foliage was too dense for us to see anything from here, even with the telescope.

Eventually all were safely rescued

Sunday, October 10, 2010

From the Spam Folder


I realized that I hadn’t flushed the spam folder in quite some time.

Quite some time.

Honestly, who writes this shit? Worse, who actually clicks on spam links? Somebody must, or there wouldn’t be spam in the first place. Who are those people?

And why are they still outside of institutions?

Hi there, my name is Melissa and I'm a 31 year old married woman. Before I start, I want to tell you that married women like me are not sluts, we love our husbands, but you only live once and we have needs and want to be satisfied everywhere, and by everywhere I mean everywhere.

Slut: an adulteress, hussy, loose woman.  Whoa, good thing Melissa isn’t one of those. Note: about the time I typed “slut” into the Google, my friend Shawn Powers called me on Skype from his church – I swear, I was just looking up the definition of slut, I didn’t even glance at the pictures. No really. OK, I’m going to hell.

Turn your polish sausage into Megatron

I think the author might be mixing a few metaphors here.


Impress your colleagues with bling-bling

You mean my colleagues Queen Environmental Specialist  and MC Civil Engineer Guy?


Awake your amorous spirit

Wasn’t this a very special episode of Ghost Whisperer? I once heard a guy say Jennifer Love Hewitt could get a rise out of a dead man, but I thought that was just hyperbole.


She dreams every night of a big man

Marlon Brando? Orson Wells? Paul Bunyan? Megatron the Polish Sausage Man?


These Russian Women DO NOT play games

That’s too bad, we were looking for a forth for Naked Twister…


The Pill That Will Make your device 9 inches long really fast!

Why the hell would I want a pill that would make me smaller?


Show Miley Cyrus your new organ…

…and then Miley will show you her new stun gun, when you wake up you can meet Billy Ray and his friends. That will be fun.


Never look back, size increase is permanent

Isn’t that what they tell the new fish, in the prison shower?


Most ladies will call you the biggest tool in town



High-class boner pills online

Nothing say high-class like the word “boner.”


TRY, IT IS PLEASANT TO YOU I couldn't bear my period cramps when I didn't knew about this amazing premenstrual medication!



Someone's wife wants to date you

Is her name Melissa?


Become her drillosaur!

This Halloween, I’m totally going as the drillosaurus! Trick or Treat, Baby! What do you say we make each other extinct before the giant comet kills us all? Say, could you help a thunder lizard out? See with these tiny little arms I can’t reach my…


Long, wide and strong device isn’t a dream anymore, Make women stare at your pants on the streets. If you don’t want to feel yourself a loser, order enlargement pills.

Ha! I spilled coffee in my lap last week and women were staring at my pants all day – for free. Who’s the loser now, Jackass?

Ah, Spam, an endless source of amusement. Previous Adventures with Spam here

Friday, October 8, 2010

New Kitchen

We're redoing our kitchen.

I think my parent's first house cost less. Hell, I think their second house cost less.

The new fridge is being delivered today.

The new stove should be here in a couple weeks, in order to get what we wanted we had to order it special. Apparently it's made and shipped somewhere far, far from Alaska.

We still haven't decided on the dishwasher, the new range hood, or the new microwave. But I suspect we'll figure that out this weekend.  Cabinets and counter tops are next, and the new hardwood floor last.

I spent the morning cleaning out the old fridge and packing everything into coolers. I've got the old unit unplugged and unhooked from the water supply. I've got the doors removed from their hinges so the delivery crew can get the old unit out and the new one in without banging into things.

Cats are locked in the basement.

I'm ready. Come on delivery guys.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I’m Voting Republican because…


This would be funny, if it weren’t so frighteningly true.


Oh, hell, it’s funny anyway.

h/t to Les over at Stupid Evil Bastard



Note: About the lack of posting, I’m up against a bunch of deadlines at the moment. Something has got to give, so sorry, that’s you.  There will be some kind of post tomorrow. Probably something funny, since I’m a bit sick of politics.