"I know the pundits, and I know what they say: The math doesn't work out," Huckabee said Saturday morning at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington. "Well, I didn't major in math; I majored in miracles. And I still believe in those, too."
I didn't major in math, I majored in miracles... Yeah, any wonder why Huckabee won in Kansas? The state is the headquarters for bugshit, raving religious lunacy. Let me tell you something, if Huckabee resonates with the iron-age conservatives of Kansas - land of faith based public education, cousin lovin' 14-year old mothers, and science denial - then I'm going to go out on a limb here and say his viewpoints are probably 180 degrees out from mine.
I can see the cabinet meetings now:
Haggerty: "President Huckabee! President Huckabee!"
The Huckster: "Yes, Bishop of Tithe and Finance?"
Haggerty: "The economy is in the crapper! The New Crusades are bleeding us dry! The math shows 10 trillion in deficit! What are we going to do? It'll take a miracle. "
The Huckster: "Hey, what luck! I majored in miracles! I'll get right on it!"
Falwell Jr: "President Huckabee!"
The Huckster:"Yes, Minister of Theology Science?
Falwell Jr: "We've sent the terrorist evilutionists to Gitmo, just as you commanded. We've been teaching the holy creationism, but for some reason we just can't make the 6000 year-old age of the Earth line up with the rest of the math!"
The Huckster: "As I may have mentioned, I didn't major in math. Send the mathamagicians to join the biologists at Gitmo. Oh, and round up all the calculators, we'll torch them at the next National Book Burning day! "
Swaggart: "Mr President!"
The Huckster: "What is it Reverend of Faith Healing and Health?"
Swaggart: "Since we banned birth control and sex education the number of children having children has quadzoopled!"
The Huckster: "Quadzoomered what now? I may have mentioned that I don't care for all those mathy words."
Swaggart: "Hey, I didn't major in math either, but we're going to need a miracle here and I figured you're the expert!"
The Huckster: "That's me, Mr. Miracles. I'll think about it. What's next?"
Schuller: "Little divine help over here too, Mr President!"
The Huckster: "How so, Potentate of Defense and Crusading?"
Schuller: "Well, we miscalculated the number of troops we needed to passi...er, liberate the Holy Land."
The Huckster: "Right, right. Got it. You need a miracle."
Schuller: "Well, more than one I'm thinking..."
The Huckster: "Crap, how many exactly?"
Schuller: "I dunno, like a couple maybe? I mean, I suck at math too, unless it involves counting donations in the collection plate..."
(the cabinet cracks up)
Graham: "Heh, heh, well, we've gotten at least one miracle. All the Democrats have moved to Canada..."