Various and Sundry For the Week of April 26th

Where do they get bottled water?

You know, that so-called "pure spring water" everybody drinks nowadays.

Where does that water actually come from?

The bigger question is: has anybody checked the water for funny chemicals lately? Is it radiation? Some kind of gene-spliced Franken-virus? Psychotropic drugs? Alien nano-tech? Glenn Beck bathing in the reservoir? The machinations of cats? What? There’s got to be something in the water is what I’m saying here.

Where exactly is that spring anyway?

I'm guessing that it's got to be in Louie Gohmert's backyard.

Because, man, speaking of Louie, it's been a weird month so far, hasn't it?

 

The George W. Bush Presidential Library opened last week.

Bush. Library.

Library. Bush.

Bush. Library.

Bush Library, those are two words you don’t usually see together in the same sentence, unless they’re caveated with the phrase “book burning.” 

What?

Yes, yes, I know, former First Lady Laura Bush is a librarian, but that just makes it even weirder (seriously, you’ve got to wonder about that arrangement. I mean she had to know, right?).  

The Big Dubya says he didn’t want the George W. Bush Library to be “all about him.”  He says history will judge his presidency.  

So, so very many jokes, so, so very little bandwidth.

Stonekettle Station was there, of course, way back in 2009, long before mainstream media. For you, gentle reader, I do it for you. And for the fame and the glory and the piles of genuine American cash bucks.

And the easy gratuitous sex.

But mostly for you.

Bush says he and former VP Dick Cheney have a “cordial” relationship.  Cordial.  I don’t know, man, I’d double-check the security if I was Dubya, and I’d stay out of cornfields and away from men with shotguns and orange vests.  I mean, we saw what Dick does to his close friends.  Cordial is likely to get you a ride on the ol’ Rendition Special and waterboarded in an undisclosed former Warsaw Pact satellite nation by large lumpy men with Bulgarian accents.

Cordial, that was the same kind of relationship Cheney once had with Saddam Hussein and look how that turned out.

Wait, what I am I saying?  I’m rooting for Bush here and how in the hell did that happen? But otherwise I’d be cheering on Cheney and his black clockwork heart, and no, wait, I, uh, Goddamnit, it’s hard to know who to side with in this relationship.

Cordial.

Listen, I’m just saying, if you drop by for a visit and the GWB library staff has Bulgarian accents, I’d run like hell.

 

And as long as we’re on the subject of testy cordial relationships that are likely to end with a gun “accident” in the middle of a cornfield, you’ve got to wonder how John Boehner is getting on with his soon to be son-in-law.

Seems Lindsay Boehner is engaged to dreadlocked Jamaican-born Rastafarian Dominic Lakhan.

Lakhan was busted on pot charges in 2006 – because, well, when you’re boffing a Rasta, giant knit caps and large fragrant buds of cannabis sort of come with the territory.

Boehner, as you’ll recall, is vehemently opposed to drug use, including and especially marijuana.  Plus he’s more or less head of the same group who isn’t real big on immigrants from the islands, mon, if you know what I mean.

And next month his daughter is marrying a Rastafarian from Jamaica.  

Now it’s not like we didn’t already know about Jesus’ twisted sense of humor when it comes to the children of conservatives (speaking of Dick Cheney) but man, this takes the cake (and the chips and the cookies and the leftovers and, hey, Dad, don’t you have anything to eat around here? I got the munchies baaaad. But I digress). 

I don’t know about you, but I sense one hilarious reality TV show in the making: Thursday night on Fox, it’s Mr. Speaker Gets Baked! Tensions mount when Lindsay brings her new husband home for the holidays. Things start out with a bang [overdub sound of rhythmic squeaky bed springs from the guest room]. Watch things go from bad to worse when a certain prominent Republican mistakenly eats a plate of magic brownies right before a big House vote on immigration!  Wake the kids and set the DVR, you don’t want to miss one minute of this week’s hilarious hijinks! (special guest appearance by Honey Boo Boo, brought to you by Doritos).

 

Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter.  Says he can’t be sure there aren’t more pictures of Little Tony floating around the blogosphere.

If I was Weiner (first thing I’d do is change my name and/or my fetish. So many joke, so little bandwidth), I wouldn’t worry about it, nobody remembers the warm-up band. No seriously, see, Bill Clinton joined Twitter this week.

It’s like the ribald comedy just writes itself, isn’t it?

With all the conspiracy theories flying around lately, I’m shocked that Alex Jones isn’t openly speculating on whether or not this is all a set up paid for by late night comedians. 

Think about it, two politicians famous for not being able to keep it in their pants?

On Twitter?

Weiner and Willie?

Even Jay Leno could get a couple of laughs out of that.

Speaking of getting a rise out of conspiracy theorists, apparently one of NASA’s rovers drew a naughty picture on the surface of Mars. 

 

NASA tried to deny it, just like Tony Weiner and Bill Clinton, but they’re not fooling anybody. Every guy who has ever passed out during a college dorm party recognizes that picture – usually they discover it the next morning, drawn in permanent laundry marker on a prominent part of their anatomy, right before they have to meet their girlfriend’s parents for brunch.

I’m going to be honest here, I can’t wait to see what the Face On Mars nuts comes up with for this one (Nuts. See what I did there? Ballsy move, right? But I digress).

Face on Mars, I suppose it was only a matter of time until we had a Wang on Mars.

And as long as we’re on the subject of nutty conspiracy theories, how about New Hampshire Republican Stella Tremblay (I swear I’m not making that name up). 

Not content with just being a run of the mill loony-tunes birther or buying into every goofy debunked conspiracy theory regarding the current president, trembling Stella went after Woodrow Wilson this week (Also, Trembling Stella is up for grabs as a band name, have your people contact mine. Rates are reasonable. I take PayPal).

During a state legislative committee on Federal Relations and Veterans Affairs this week, Tremblay stood up and announced that she wanted to use the last day of Black History Month to outline the contributions of African Americans to early America – and then she launched into a wild rambling unintelligible fever dream that began with Frederick Douglass and somehow got to President Woodrow Wilson being an enthusiastic supporter of Adolf Hitler.

“Woodrow Wilson, because he was a sympathizer and he believed in the Aryan race, he believed that Hitler was correct in the races, where our Founding Fathers believed that all men were created equal. He went through all the educational material and wiped out all the, uh, all anything, that he could about the true history, about how the slaves were a really good integral part.”

Just one thing: Woodrow Wilson left office in 1921.

He died in 1924.

During Wilson’s time in office, Adolf Hitler wasn’t precisely a nobody, but he wasn’t exactly front page news outside the beer gardens of Munich either. He’d just gotten out of jail for his treasonous attempted coup against the German government, the Beer Hall Putsch, and was more or less lying low and licking his wounds.  He was elected Chancellor of Germany in 1933 – about nine years after Woodrow Wilson kicked the old Aryan bucket – and didn’t become the actual Fuhrer until the end of 1934.

But hey, if you’re already a birther with a tenuous grasp of reality, why let a little thing like actual history get in the way of good conspiracy theory, right?

After connecting Wilson to Hitler in support of Black History Month, Tremblay worked her way around to the point: her bill to force New Hampshire to recognize what she says is the “original” Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution – which she says is really about strengthening the ban on titles of nobility.

Because apparently that’s an actual problem we have here in the United States.

The rampant, widespread, unregulated, willy-nilly conferring of titles upon the peasantry.

As I’m sure you know, certain raving nutters actual historians with actual degrees in actual American history claim that a constitutional amendment covering titles of nobility was ratified by the states in the 1800s and then taken out of the Constitution by Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War and replaced with the existing “Thirteenth Amendment” – which supposedly bans slavery.

See, according to Stella Tremblay, the idea here is that since Honest Abe allegedly pulled some kind of flim-flam, the US Constitution is, in fact, void.

Which makes America not a real nation.

Which somehow means it defaults back to the previous owner.

Now, just so you don’t think she’s completely nuts, Tremblay double-checked her historical facts with David Barton. Barton writes books, on American history, so he’s like an expert – never mind that his book, The Jefferson Lies, was taken out of print because it made actual experts in US history fall onto the floor and foam at the mouth in convulsions. 

According Tremblay’s spokesman, who addressed reporters in order to make sure the liberal Lamestream media didn’t take Trembling Stella out context, the United States is no longer a country.  See, it’s now a corporation chartered in the District of Columbia – which Tremblay's proposed legislation actually notes in the text.  And because the “real” Thirteenth amendment was ratified and then illegally removed from the Constitution by President Abraham Lincoln, Lincoln's actions dissolved the United States, which means he could not have actually emancipated the slaves.

Bummer, Black People, looks like you’re all still property.  Gives kind of a different meaning to Black History Month, doesn’t it?

Tremblay’s spokesman then went on to explain how the United States is still subject to Lincoln's declaration of martial law and is now under the control of Queen Elizabeth II.

I swear to you, I am not making this up.

It’s all true.

So terribly, terribly true.

But, really, folks, how awesome is a speech that begins with the contributions of African Americans via slavery, connects an American president to Adolf Hitler through posthumous Nazification (I visualize this process kind of like how Mitt Romney’s church can just convert random dead people into Mormons), manages to raise the lurking danger of unsuspecting Americans being suddenly raised to nobility (Wait, I’m a Baron? Goddamnit, I suppose I’ll have to order new checks now), and finally ends up with a declaration that reveals surprise! slavery is, in fact, still legal and we all belong to the Queen – all during a speech supposedly in support of Black History Month.

Anybody know if NASA is taking requests?

Maybe we can get Curiosity to draw a picture of Stella Tremblay in the Martian desert?

I’d chip in a fiver, as long as they made it big enough to see from Earth.

In fact, I’d like to pre-order the Hubble poster, please.

 

And then there are the poison letters.

Last week, somebody sent ricin-laced letters to the president, a U.S. senator, and an 80-year old Mississippi judge.

Predictably the conspiracy nuts went apeshit. 

But eventually all the sensational leads involving space aliens, Bigfoot, the CIA, and North Korea turned out to be dead ends.  This entire thing appears to be just another tired and clichéd case in which an alleged child molester named Dusty Dutschke, a part-time taekwondo instructor and part-time lead singer in a band consisting of himself and a robot, attempted to frame a mentally disturbed Elvis impersonator who believes the federal government ruined his life to hide its involvement in a secret plot to harvest organs from corpses and sell them on the black market.

Honestly, how many times have we seen this exact scenario?

On Wednesday, authorities were at a small retail space in Tupelo which Dutschke once used as a martial arts studio. Investigators in gas masks and Hazmat suits like something out of The Andromeda Strain were observed carrying large containers full of plastic-wrapped items from the building. Once outside, other officers started spraying down the protective suits with some sort of mist in an obvious attempt at biological decontamination.

Officers at the scene wouldn't comment on what they were doing – which, you know, demonstrates an admirable degree of self control. Because frankly, at this point, I imagine the urge must be damned near overwhelming to walk out of that building, face the microphones, and announce in a solemn and sincere voice, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we just found the zombified body of Jimmy Hoffa sitting behind the controls of a flying saucer holding the trigger used to bring down the World Trade Center.  Also, Mr. Hoffa had President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate in his pocket and the plans for a hundred mile per gallon carburetor… Ur, I mean No Comment! No Comment!”

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to run down to the hardware store and pick up a water testing kit.

I’ve got well water and a massive high quality filter system, but frankly, you can never be too careful.

Especially when they really are out to get you.

Various and Sundry For The Week of March 15

 

So, New Pope.

Well, OK, he’s like five hundred years old or something, not exactly new new – but you knew what I meant.

Now, I’m not Catholic, or any religion for that matter, but apparently I’m supposed to really, really care about the new guy.  

Because it’s on every single damned news station and news paper and news feed and social media news site. 

New Pope is awesome! New Pope still has New Pope Smell! New Pope Hand Selected By God Himself! New Pope is First New World Pope! New Pope carries his own luggage! New Pope celebrates Mass (I didn’t even know the new guy was a fan of the Higgs Boson, but I suppose it sort of figures). New Pope  has no obvious resemblance to infamous Sith Lord – Catholics hopeful New Pope is a Trekkie or maybe even a Browncoat! New Pope begins first day by blessing stuff, New Pope blesses himself (don’t you go blind if you do that too much? I’m just asking. Popes are supposed to be experts on that sort of thing, you think he’d know better), New Pope blesses Old Pope, Pope blesses some random people for practice, New Pope blesses a pickle just to see if he can.  And so on. 

New Popes get to choose their Pope Name.

Popes are the only world leaders who get to do that, choose their own Superhero name. It’s a opportunity unique among the world’s big shots and not a choice to make lightly.

So, what name did this guy choose?

Francis.

Pope Francis?

It’s just me, right?

Pope: The name's Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of youse guys call me Francis, and I'll kill ya.
Random Priest [sarcastically]:  Ooooooh!
Pope: You just made the list, Buddy! [pulls a switchblade out of his cassock and flashes the blade at the offending Clergyman] And I don't like nobody touching my stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off! If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill ya. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you… homos… touch me, and I'll kill ya.
Cardinals: LIGHTEN UP, FRANCIS!

This guy was born Jorge Mario Bergoglio.  Didn’t that suggest anything? Pope Jorge (pronounced in the Spanish, Whore-Hey). Because that would be totally awesome, and besides, somebody has to be the first of his name, right?  Or how about Pope Mario – and then we could rename the Popemobile to The Mario Cart, and it would blast that old 8-bit video game music from speakers on the roof, see, and it would make that power-up bonus noise when Pope Mario blessed people and the wahahahahahahaaaaaaa sound when …  

Oh, what?

See? This is why people are leaving the Church, no sense of humor.

Heck, the guy’s last name is Bergoglio for crying out loud, he could have been Pope Coolio!

Instead, he went with Francis.

Who the hell chooses Francis?  On purpose?

I mean Francis? You figure priests and bishops and cardinals must daydream about this stuff, right? For Christ’s sake, you’d think they’d be prepared.  I mean I’m not even Catholic and I was ready if they chose me. I would have totally gone with Pope Hammerscowl Ironbar The Unforgiving, Avenging Falcon Kick of the Almighty, Destroyer of Worlds, Scourge of Sin, Knight Commander of the Velociprator Army and Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla!  I mean, shit, you’re The Pope, right? Who’s going to tell you that you can’t?  Think of how cool his business cards would be – maybe with little smity embossed lightning bolts around the edges? Huh?

Look here, Pope Hammerscowl Ironbar The Unforgiving issues a Holy Edict, and for damn sure the clergy would think twice about any Shenanigans with the altar boys, especially if there are velociraptors involved – but get a memo from some little old guy in a dress with matching hat and red pumps named Francis and where are you?

See?

My point exactly.

Nobody would be telling Ol’ Hammerscowl to “lighten up.”

At least they wouldn’t tell him twice.

 

Meanwhile, speaking of a place that could use a few velociraptors, down in Mississippi they just passed an “anti-Bloomberg Bill” that makes calorie counting and portion control illegal in local restaurants.

Yes, that’s right, the state with one of the highest densities of per capita obesity, diabetes, and diet related health problems just passed a law making it illegal for restaurants to limit portion size or to post the number of calories and fat content in their food.

The bill’s author asked:

If we give government a little more control of our personal rights, where does it stop?

I think’s it obvious that Mississippians are afraid it will stop at the Golden Coral Buffet, I’m just saying.

I glanced at the Constitution to see which inalienable right was being infringed upon if jowly Mississippians  can’t get their pudgy hands on a Big Gulp, but I couldn’t find it. Maybe they meant the Mississippi State Constitution, Article Two, Second Helpings and other God Given Freedoms: Cholesterol being paramount to Liberty, the right of the people to shove as much fat and sugar into their gravy slathered country fried pieholes as is humanly possible, while simultaneously demanding the elimination of government mandated healthcare, shall not be infringed.

Sure, New York Mayor Bloomberg’s portion size law is idiotic and unenforceable and does absolutely nothing to address the growing problem of obesity and is very likely unconstitutional to boot, but is it really something that people are actually afraid of? 

Really?

Are We The People organizing over this?  Marching on Washington?  Pillaging health food stores?  Lighting yoga instructors on fire in effigy?  Are state governments and town councils sitting around hot airless conference rooms right now, pounding down stale jelly donuts and slurping whole-milk double lattes, bending to the people’s will, crafting laws to prevent the horrifying tide of Bloombergism from sweeping across American? My God, man, what if we can’t supersize? The horror! It’ll be the end of America as we know it! That’s how it started with Hitler! Not me, man, not me! The Nazi bastards can take my Big Gulp when they pry it from my cold dead sticky bloated ham-sized fist that had to be amputated due to the diabetes! Freeeeeedom!

Half the world is starving to death and in here America we’re arguing about the right to chug a gallon of soda in one sitting and Bloomberg’s city is home to events like professional hotdog eating contests and the World’s Biggest Burger.

No wonder most of the world hates our bleeding guts.

Our fat, fat bleeding guts.

 

While Mississippians are rallying for the right of all Americans to kill themselves with food, a town in Maine is taking a more direct approach.

In Byron, Maine, town residents will vote next week on a law that, if passed, will require all households within the municipality to own a gun.

The basic argument being that it’s overreach for the federal government to require that everybody buy healthcare, but it’s not government overreach to mandate that everybody must buy a gun.  Individual mandate = communism, mandatory gun ownership = Jesus. Write that down, kids, there’ll be a test at the end of the blog post, followed by a blessing from His Smitiness, The Pope.

Can’t afford healthcare premiums, can afford a gun. 

Can’t afford healthcare, can afford a daily Big Gulp. 

The sound you hear is Ben Franklin drowning a bald eagle in a vat of ketchup.

The law, if passed, of course, would be unenforceable.  

It’s an idiotic waste of time and money and the town council knows it.

Town Head Selectman Anne Simmons-Edmund, the council member who proposed the ordinance, says:

“It was never my intention for anyone to own a gun who doesn’t want to. My purpose was to make a statement in support of the Second Amendment…”

Because that’s what laws are for, right? Not to be enforced, only to make a political statement.

What? You can’t arrest me, officer.  Well, of course I just punched the Mayor in the face. But the laws against assault aren’t supposed to be enforced, they’re more of a statement on our First Amendment right to petition the government for redress of wrongs – and that bitch totally wronged me, so I redressed her right in the nose. Boyah!

This kind if nonsense isn’t confined to Maine.  Here in Alaska, and in a dozen other states, local representatives are busy bloviating on about wasteful government spending and parasites who take a government paycheck while producing little in return – and are busy penning laws and ordinances that they know right up front are unenforceable and unconstitutional and will be struck down in court after costing taxpayers even more money. Every small town pissant Tea Party state representative, for example, is home right now crafting legislation to make enforcement of any new federal gun laws illegal in their home states.  Like you can actually do that.  For a bunch of people who claim to hate the Europeans, these patriots sure do seem to like the idea of a federal model that resembles the European Union – or the long defunct Confederacy.

Honestly, if they really wanted to reduce the size of government and the average total tax burden most of the middleclass deals with, then they’d do what Business does when it’s too big and too complex and too bloated – they’d advocate for elimination of redundant functions. You want to downsize? You want to streamline? Then don’t get rid of Federal Government, instead get rid of fifty different state governments. That would be a start right there. Just eliminate an entire layer of redundancy and bullshit and bureaucracy. Blam!  We’d end up one country, with one government, with one set of laws, with one set of taxes.  Then we can start getting rid of underperforming divisions, starting with Mississippi. And do we really need two Carolinas? Two Dakotas? A Virginia and a West Virginia?  Look, I’m just saying, anywhere that the percentage of Big Gulp slurping Wal-Mart shoppers wearing pajamas pants in public exceeds a ratio of, let’s say, 1 per 10,000 then that state should be looked at for a quick fireside sale. There’s really no downside.

What? Yes, yes, I know, make sure they spell my name right on the Nobel Prize. They’ll probably have to invent like a whole new category – The Nobel Prize of Awesome!

 

Which reminds me: North Korea. A bunch of you wrote asking what I thought about North Korea’s recent threat to nuke us.

Folks, honest to God, Kim Jong Un, right? You can all start digging fallout shelters in your backyards if you want to, but have you seen this character? Talk about a guy who was voted most likely to win first place on the People Of Walmart website.  Frankly I just can’t take anybody seriously when their chubby pink ass is hanging out of a pair of pajama bottoms – or maybe that’s his head, it’s kind of difficult to tell.  

Kim Jong Un, it’s like being threatened by Crazy Smurf.  

 

Of course, I’m not exactly sure that we should be talking shit about anybody else’s government, given the silly bastards who’ve taken ours hostage.

It’s now been two weeks since Congress crossed its little pipe-cleaner arms and scrunched up its little red face and started holding its breath like a truculent child.  If I don’t get my way, I’ll just hold my breath until I die! Then you’ll see! Then you’ll be sorry!

Of course, that’s what happens when you elect twits like the freshman republican Representative from Oklahoma, Jim Bridenstine, who was apparently off throwing tea into the harbor or something on the day his high school government class explained how America works.

“Just because the Supreme Court rules on something doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s constitutional.”

Um, yeah, Dude, that sort of is what it means, that’s what we pay them for.

But Bridenstine wasn’t finished, the crux of his complaint is that Democrats have stacked the court in their favor – the Supreme Court, the one dominated by conservatives five to four, conservatives appointed by conservatives. That court. Yeah.

This is the same guy whose website says he’s a veteran of “Operation Shock and Awe in Iraq.”  Operation Shock and Awe? Hmmm, I was there and as I recall there was Operation Southern Watch, and Operation Iraqi Freedom, and Operation Enduring Freedom, but I don’t remember any “Operation Shock and Awe.”  Shock and Awe was a strategy, a form of fast moving warfare that formed the first phase of Operation Iraqi Freedom – sort of an American version of Blitzkrieg, a snappy catch phrase tailor made for the news media.  But, hey, man says he was part of Operation Shock and Awe and the Supreme Court is made up of tofu eating liberals who don’t know about the Constitution, who the heck are we to argue, right? I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.

Left and Right remain far, far apart on spending and taxes.

Paul Ryan says he can balance the budget in less than ten years – all we have to do is let old people die and turn the poor into tasty Soylent Green.

President Obama is supposed to release his budget idea next week, republicans already proactively hate it.

Guy says to me this morning, “Obama? Jesus, somebody needs to tell him ‘you can’t borrow your way out of debt!”

We were standing at the urinals.  Now, look, there are rules. Men don’t talk to men in the restroom, not while they’re doing business – maybe a brief “howsitgoin’” while washing hands, but not during the business phase of the operation.  That’s the only part of the day that’s entirely mine, I don’t want to talk to anybody while I’m emptying a supersized Mountain Dew out of Pope Hammerscowl, if you understand what I’m saying here.  The only way to irritate me more than talking to me when I’m blessing the masses is to say something stupid.

You can’t borrow your way out of debt?

Right.

Except for that part where you actually can borrow your way out of debt – and, in point of fact, borrowing is the most common way people, corporations, and countries actually get themselves out of debt.

It happens a thousand times a day.

Take a doctor for example. Or a lawyer. Or any other highly paid professional with a graduate degree – pretty likely they borrowed themselves into debt in order to get advanced schooling which they then used to get a series of backbreaking internships where they wracked up more debt while working to improve their situation which eventually led to a decent high paying job which then allowed them to pay off their debts and start making bank.

Take GM. They borrowed a shitload of money from the government, they used that money to reorganize, reinvest, and retool – and they’re turning a profit again and working their way out of debt right now. If they hadn’t borrowed their way out of debt, they’d be bankrupt and out of business and several million American workers would be on the street.

Any new business typically starts out by acquiring debt. People and organizations borrow money all of the time in order to get out of debt by creating or improving infrastructure, hiring talent, to get past a bad patch, to fund research or construction or any of a thousand other things that improve their lot.

It’s sort of the entire basis of our economy.

You can borrow your way out of debt, what you can’t do is use empty platitudes and idiotic sound bites to achieve the same.

We’re two weeks into sequestration and there’s no end in sight. The full effects haven’t been felt yet, but they’re coming.

A number of folks, like my soon to be furloughed Urinal Buddy, have suggested that we just stop paying Congress until they start doing their jobs.

Uh, no.

Sorry, but that would be unconstitutional.

See, the 27th Amendment requires us to pay them. Period. Whether or not they do their job, whether or not we like it, we have to pay them. It’s the law.  Sequestration will eventually impact just about everybody in the United States, except for the people who created it.

Congress came up with that. Cute, eh?

Which brings up an interesting idea: Turn it around.

See, I figure it’s only poetic justice, Congress wrote a law that says we have to pay them no matter what, so I think it’s only fair that they should have to work – no matter what.

Here’s my idea: we herd the whole goddamned disagreeable bunch of them into the United States Capital Building, Senators into the Senate Chamber, Representatives into the House – and then we lock the doors.

That’s right, we lock the doors, from the outside. And post guards. Big guards, with bad attitudes and tasers – federal police, the guys threatened with furlough. Those guys.

And the Congressional sons of bitches can stay in there until they’ve earned their paychecks.

No pages, no aides, no phones, no internet, no TV cameras, no catering, no breaks. One Port-O-Potty per chamber – with one roll of toilet paper each.

Good luck.

Let us know when you’ve all agreed to a budget.  Slide it under the door and if we like it, we’ll send it over to the President for signature. If he vetoes it, then that’s on him.

Sequestration, as you’ll recall, has several definitions, one of which is to “seclude or lock away.”

I suggest we do exactly that. Sequester. To Congress.

Congress thinks sequestration is such a spiffy idea?

Let them live with it.

Various and Sundry For March 1st, 2013

This morning a sinkhole opened up under a house in Florida and sucked a guy right down into the earth.

And if that’s not a metaphor for what’s going in this country today, I don’t know what is

This entire week has been a bit like being trapped in a surreal newspaper.

 

Starting with Social Issues

“Clint Eastwood joins Republicans in support of Gay Marriage.”

Clint joins Republicans in support of gay marriage?

How many things are wrong with that sentence?

Clint joins Republicans in support of gay marriage?

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

Clint Eastwood joins Republicans in gay marriage (heh, heh, sorry).

I assume Eastwood made the announcement by yelling at an empty straight-backed chair?

Queue rimshot: Ba dump bump! Hey! Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all week.

Oh what?

C’mon, Clint Eastwood, the guy who swears at furniture? The guy who backed Romney, a member of a rabidly homophobic church which spent millions supporting Prop 8 in Eastwood’s own state? The guy who’s a spokesman and mouthpiece for a political party that embraces homophobia as one of its primary planks? The guy who married Sandra Locke and let her “act” in his movies and then spent years divorcing her in public for shit’s sake? That Clint Eastwood?

That guy is weighing on gay marriage?

And you think I’m not going to make gratuitous jokes?

Riiiiight.

Too bad he couldn’t get fellow Californian and actor Arnold Schwarzenegger to back him on the conservative family values kazoo.

 

Current Events

Conversation in the break room:

(There was a copy of Air Force Times on the table, lead story: Troops To Obama, Stop Wrecking The Military! Gotta love the ‘Times, no rightwing agenda there)

Obama is killing the military! He shut down whole Navy bases! He’s been doing it secretly for years! That’s why he made up this idiotic sequester! The Army is next, he’s getting rid of them as they come home from Afghanistan.

Um, OK. Question: How do you close a base, an entire Navy base, in secret?  I’m pretty sure somebody would notice.  At least those people with daughters anyway…

What? I’m just saying, Chicks dig Sailors. It’s true, you can look it up on the internet. There are pictures.

And even if Obama really did “hate the military,” he can’t just close whatever bases he feels like. Base closures are determined by the congressional Base Re-alignment and Closure (BRAC) commission. Those re-alignments and closures are a huge, huge, deal. There are years, sometimes decades, of negotiations between the military, the federal government, and the states. There are endless public hearings and local town hall meetings. Senators, Representatives (both state and federal) get involved, so does the Governor, so does the local Chamber of Commerce, so does the Mayor, and so does every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Sally.  There’s nothing, absolutely nothing, secret about any of it.

Also, the last round of BRAC? That was under a previous administration, back in 2005. I know, I know, we’re not supposed to blame George W. Bush anymore, but there it is. 2005. Bush. BRAC. Sorry about that. 

Also, if Obama really does hate the military, he probably ought to tell the First Lady to knock off all that support she’s been drumming up for military families.

Also: the Sequester has nothing whatsoever to do with base closures. Nothing. Also, Obama didn’t invent it. Though maybe if the Sequestration did require the closure of ten percent of our bases and a reduction in military force, we’d see some action on the budget by Congress, not to mention an actual reduction in the deficit. Just a thought. 

 

Speaking of Headlines

From comments under various news articles about Sequestration’s effect on the military:

No one has mentioned this but I bet it takes a huge hit. The VA Hospitals and care. All these soldiers coming home with PTSD will have no help unless they can fund it theirselves......

No one has mentioned it because those VA programs are specifically exempted from Sequestration.

Of course, that’s only been mentioned repeatedly by Congress, The President, Mainstream Media, the Budget Control Act, and about ten thousand other places, no wonder you missed it.  Maybe if we could get them to mention it on Honey Boo Boo…

I wonder if any of the military bands are having cuts? It would seem odd if the blue angels are limiting shows, the same should be done for all military bands, and any other wasteful spending within military. Or course this should be across the board with all govt agencies. The politicians should start with their pay(cut 25%) and staff(layoff 50%). Next, layoff supreme court Justices(and their staff) for half the year. So they only get to half of the cases, most cases have been on the books for at least 5 years or longer..

Cut the band?

Now why didn’t that occur to anybody in the military? 

Oh maaaan, damn it. We could have kept the stealth fighters and deployed an extra carrier to the Gulf, if only we’d gotten rid of a couple of flutes and a trombone player. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Yeah.

Look, not only will Sequestration affect military bands, those units were on the chopping block long before Sequestration. All of the Armed Services have been consolidating support functions for years now, as directed by the Commander in Chief.

Also: the amount of money spent by the military on bands is miniscule. Literally an infinitesimal drop in the federal bucket. You want to make an actual difference you need to look at weapons programs, ship building, base maintenance and support, long term medical and retirement programs, and the war – you know, the things Congress and the voters won’t let anybody touch. Also all those military contracts that are specifically exempted from Sequestration. Because they provide jobs and money to the States and the defense industry. Plus, hey, cool military hardware. We’re number one! We’re number one!

Also, you know you live in the Information Age, right?  You really don’t have to wonder. Google, it’s the key to the universe. And while you’re at it, look up the Constitution – I’m pretty sure you can’t just “Layoff” the Supreme Court. However, just to slap at the nits, Legislative and Judicial Branch staff will be furloughed by the Sequestration.

Even the Romans were smart enough not to go to war unless that country was worth looting. We go to war and the only thing looted is our own treasury!

Oh, hey, pillaging, now there’s an idea! Let’s invade other countries and loot them. Sure. Sacking foreign cities as a revenue stream? Brilliant. Let’s start with Canada! Come back with your shield, boys, or on it! I can see the wagon trains coming home now, loaded with maple syrup and flannel for the Treasury. Next? Iceland! They don’t even have a military.

They want to cut 85 billion from the U.S. Budget, but were going to GIVE 60 billion to the Syrian Rebels to aid their efforts. Every American should be FUMING MAD! CUT THE FOREIGN AID AND LET THEM KILL EACH OTHER OFF if that is what they want to do.

$60 Billion?

You sure that’s billion and not million?

Billion, million, same same. What’s a couple of zeros when you’re trying to make a point, right?

Right. So, let’s do it. Let’s go right ahead and cut foreign aid. Let’s start with Israel, let Iran kill ‘em if they want to. Israel doesn’t even have oil, so who cares, right? Maybe when they invent a car that runs on magic Jesus rays from the Holy Land I’ll be concerned. Speaking of which, let Iran get nukes, let the Muslim Bro-hood take over the Middle East, and, really, screw South Korea. C’mon conservatives! Who’s with me? Hello? Anybody?

I refuse to let the left somehow equate cutting a blotted bureaucracy with cutting benefits - please Rachel Maddow, tell me what the average fed employee needs o be paid $130k a year with benefits for life? Limit - not cut - their annual wage increases to 5% rather than 7% and put the difference back into benefits..

Average federal pay is $130K a year? Benefits for life?

Boy, I’ll bet this will be great news to the GS-6 who works in the office next to mine.

It’ll sure make his twenty days of unpaid furlough a whole lot easier to swallow.

 

There’s Always Religion

Joey Rats turned in his little red shoes.

So far, the world seems to be humming along fine without a Pope.

At least the Vatican figured out what to call him, Pope Emeritus. Boy, good thing they got that resolved. Whew, close one. Now if they could just put the same effort into turning the child molesters in their midst over to the police…

 

Sports and Weather

Overheard yesterday in line at the Fred Meyer Starbucks in Palmer:

Woman #1: I guess they let that Bladerunner guy out of jail. Did you hear about that?
Woman #2: He’s that football player who killed his girlfriend?
Woman #1: Right. He shot her though the bathroom door, while she was talking to the police. The cops heard the whole thing, they played the 911 call on TV. It was horrible she was screaming and begging for her life and the guy kept shooting. He shot her like a dozen times or something! Steroids, you know.
Woman #2: And they let him out?
Woman #1: Can you believe it? Just let him go.
Woman #2: Good Lord. Just goes to show you how the liberals have destroyed the American justice system!
Woman #1: Well, it’s California, what do you expect?
Woman #2: Fruits and flakes! Those people are such morons…

It was then, right then, that a searing pain went through my head.

The “Bladerunner guy” is South African Oscar Pistorius. 

On 14 February, 2013 he shot and killed his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, at his home in Pretoria, South Africa. He was subsequently arrested and charged with murder in South Africa by the Pretoria (that’s in South Africa) Police Department. He was granted bail on 19 February by Pretoria (in South Africa) Chief Magistrate Desmond Nair because he wasn’t deemed a flight risk. He surrendered his South African passport and must remain in South Africa until his trial. You might have heard about it, it happened in South Africa, it’s been the lead story on every news feed for three weeks now – eclipsing even the Sequestration.

Also, Pistorius has been charged with pre-meditated murder and will be tried (in South Africa) on those charges in June. He wasn’t “just let go.” Even in South Africa, murder is kind of a no no. California too, for that matter.

Also, Pistorius shot Steenkamp three times, not a dozen. He fired four rounds through the bathroom door, three hit Steenkamp and killed her.  Granted it probably doesn’t matter to Steenkamp at this point, but still.

Also, there was no 911 call with Steenkamp “screaming” or “begging for her life.” Steenkamp wasn’t on the phone with Pretoria Police. Unless the 911 tape is from California… On a side note, I thought it pretty cool that this random white woman in line at the Palmer Alaska Starbuck’s apparently spoke enough Afrikaans to know what Steenkamp was saying on a supposed 911 call that she apparently heard herself. But I digress.

Also, Pistorius the Bladerunner is an South African Olympic sprinter. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t moonlight for the NFL.

But hey, why let any of that undermine your basic premise, right? Damn those Liberal ‘Roid Ragin’ South African Kalifornian Blade Running Football Players for destroying the American Justice System, damn them.

 

Science and Technology

SpaceX launched their third mission (the second commercial supply run) to the International Space Station this morning. I watched the launch in realtime High Def via the Internet – which brought back childhood memories from forty years ago watching crappy time-delayed broadcast TV of Apollo 10 launching for circumluna orbit on my parent’s tiny little black and white set.

Being seven years old at the time, and a child of the Space Age, it was pretty damned exciting.

SpaceX’s Dragon is having some thruster problems in orbit. Hopefully they’ll get it all sorted out soon and be able to finish the mission.

Meanwhile, Billionaire space enthusiast Dennis Tito, the world’s first space tourist, announced plans this week to build and launch a manned Mars flyby mission in 2018. Tito wants to send two people on a five hundred day mission around Mars and back, they won’t land.  The mission is similar in concept to the aforementioned Apollo 10 mission, just a whole lot longer.

The two Mars-O-nauts are to be a married couple.

A married couple.

Cooped up in a tiny capsule for a year and half.

Five hundred days of:

You’re going the wrong way!
Fer the love O Christ, Woman, will you let me drive?
Look where the moon is now! We’re going the wrong way I’m telling you!
I know what I’m doing.
We’re going to be late.
I know a short cut through the asteroid belt.
We’ll miss Mars. Just like when we were supposed to go to my mom’s for Christmas.
If you’d gotten out of the damned bathroom before launch…
I had to put on my makeup, asshole.
Let me see the map.
No. You keep your eyes on space, I’ll read the map.
You can’t even find your car in mall parking lot!
Shut. Up.
I’m just saying.
That was one time. One time!
Will you just give me the map? You’re holding it upside down!
Pull over at that satellite, ask for directions…
Don’t be stupid.
Did. You. Just. Call. Me. “Stupid?”

Experts give the mission one chance in three of succeeding – and declared that if the mission does fail, it’ll totally be the man’s fault. 

Dennis Tito apparently isn’t married.

 

And Finally, The Crossword Puzzle

This morning my President looked out from my computer screen and declared that the nation’s problems can’t be fixed by using the ol’ “Jedi Mind Meld.”

Jedi Mind Meld?

Jedi Mind Meld?!

Jesus pointy eared Christ, Barack, you can’t mix Star Trek and Star Wars. Are you insane?

It’s unconstitutional! It’s un-American! It’s socialism! Nazis! It’s like mixing oil and water, The NRA and Tofu, matter and anti-matter, Tupac and Biggie, Republicans and Democrats, Libertarians and … anybody else.

Dude, I love ya, but DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS!

Because that would be bad.

That could cause a sinkhole to open and kill us all.

Really. It’s totally true. You can look it up on the internet.

Apartness

“God is giving a plan I think to me that is not really a plan … the problem is that I think the plan that the Lord would have us follow is hard for people to understand. Because of my track record with you who have been here for a long time, because of my track record with you, I beg of you to help me get this message out and I beg of you to pray for clarity on my part.” Glenn Beck, “The Glenn Beck Program” April 20, 2010

 

First he told us that if we didn’t like it, we could just get out.

When it turned out that we weren’t moving to sissy Canadaland, he declared that he and his pals were going to take back “their” country.

He even held a big rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and proclaimed the restoration of America – in his image. 

Of course, it didn’t exactly pan out that way.

So now, rather than admit his assholery, rather than agree to live with the rest of us and stop acting the fool, Glenn Beck has announced plans to crawl into his own belly button.

 

Beck proposes to "go Galt" in the style of Atlas Shrugged.

 

Welcome to Independence, USA.

Independence, USA. It's a serious little community of stern faced libertarians, white picket fences, and a tidy little town square. A place where endless electricity falls like magic snow from the sky and the citizens walk about with pistols on their hip. Here in this Randian paradise there is no law, no government, no taxes, no crime, each man is a sovereign island unto himself, unfettered by the sucking socialist burden of civilization.

Think EPCOT Center crossed with Leave It To Beaver...

...if the Community of Tomorrow was built by Jim Jones instead of Walt Disney, and The Beav was the chain smoking bastard offspring of Ayn Rand and BoBo The Drooling Monkey Boy.

Glenn Beck announced earlier this week that he intends to found himself a new town, Independence, USA.  You’ve heard of a City-State? Think Bunker-State and you’ll be in the right ballpark, Independence will be part planned community, part theme park, part Colonial Williamsburg gets ass raped by the Creation Museum. Beck claims that it will be a community built on the “principles of the free market” where families can find “happiness, inspiration, courage, and hope.” According to Beck’s website, The Blaze:

Glenn believes that he can bring the heart and the spirit of Walt’s early Disneyland ideas into reality.

That rumbling sound you hear is Walt Disney’s frozen head spinning in its vat of liquid nitrogen deep in the secret vaults below Tomorrowland.

Beck goes on to say:

Independence, USA wouldn’t be about rides and merchandise, but would be about community and freedom…

So, it is like Disneyland after all, but without any of the fun stuff.

It’s not about rides and merchandise.

It’s about the principles of the free market – because Disney isn’t a giant free market money making machine designed to transmute little princess dreams into ingots of warm yellow capitalism.

It’s not about the merchandise. It’s not about the money.

This from a guy who has spent his entire career reducing the founding concepts of America down to little more than simpleminded marketing gimmicks that are the philosophical equivalent of mouse ears.  Right. I give Independence, USA two weeks before Dittoheads in giant cartoon Tom Jefferson suits are hawking Glenn Beck Fudge Bars from carts on the corners for $4.95 a pop.

Apparently, Beck drew inspiration for his own personal town from Galt’s Gulch (AKA “Atlantis” or “Mulligan’s Valley”), the mystical place high in the Colorado Rockies where John Galt leads all the striking Makers in Ayn Rand’s libertarian masturbation fantasy, Atlas Shrugged.

Visits to Beckville will be controlled via a main entrance, implying that, similar to Galt’s walled fortress-like Gulch, or Disneyland, access to the town will be limited to those who can pay. The Blaze reports that residency will be strictly controlled and based on an immigration process similar to Ellis Island, because, according to Glenn Beck “that’s how most Americans came to the country.”

Most Americans came to the United States via Ellis Island.

Most Americans.

I assume that means main street, Independence, USA, will likely demonstrate a marked lack of black, brown, yellow, or red faces, maybe Beck should call it Western European Boulevard – or Tea Party Avenue. But I digress.

I hope those libertarians all have fun with the Ellis Island style delousing and background checks.

Beck hasn’t said if he plans to mask the town from overhead surveillance via vision warping heat rays ala John Galt. However, The Blaze has announced that Independence, USA will have its own power supply – one can only assume that since Beck left Fox News he finally had enough free time to invent John Galt’s Electrostatic Motor which perpetually sucks magic juju beans electricity from the sky.

The centerpiece of Glenntopia will be the marketplace,

The Marketplace would be a place where craftsmen and artisans could open and run real small businesses and stores. The owners and tradesmen could hold apprenticeships and teach young people the skills and entrepreneurial spirit that has been lost in today’s entitlement state.

That’s right kids, put aside that entitlement mentality. That lazy taker attitude that’s had your generation filling the ranks of our volunteer military for the last ten years and fighting our wars on two fronts. Yes, you, you lazy, good for nothing worthless pieces of crap. That’s you, the shit generation, the taker generation. God, you suck, you all suck so bad. You think that just because you’ve been shedding your blood for this country for more than a decade now that your worthless shitty generation is somehow entitled to a piece of the American Dream. Who do you think you are? The Greatest Generation? Takers, that’s you. But, hey, it doesn’t have to be that way. No sirree. Step right up and learn a real American trade by apprenticing to one of our Tea Party Job Creators (Note: Apprentices don’t actually get paid in money, but they do get a nice warm feeling of patriotism). College? You don’t need no college, those places are full communists and socialist and stinky liberals anyway. We’ve got lots of old fashioned apprenticeship choices here in Glenntopia Marketplace! How about blacksmithing or maybe barrel coopering? We’ve got TEA Party sign making too, and you don’t even have to know how to spell!

I don’t suppose this is the place to tell Glenn Beck that out here in the real world, trade unions typically provide on the job training, apprenticeships, and professional certification for jobs that actually have some utility outside of renaissance fairs and flea markets.  And given the general bent of these people, I’d suspect that the Glentopian Marketplace will be less a showpiece of Austrian School Economics and more the kind of place where you stone gays and uppity women to death for defying God.

There would also be an Media Center, where Glenn’s production company would film television, movies, documentaries, and more. Glenn hoped to include scripted television that would challenge viewers without resorting to a loss of human decency. He also said it would be a place where aspiring journalists would learn how to be great reporters.

The Glenn Beck Media Center where they make Glenn Beck TV and Glenn Beck movies and Glenn Beck documentaries. And more. So very much more.

Without resorting to a loss of human decency.

A place where aspiring journalists learn to be great reporters.

Learn human decency and great reporting. From Glenn Beck himself.

It’s like the jokes just write themselves, isn’t it?

Across the lake, there would be a church modeled after The Alamo which would act as a multi-denominational mission center.

A church.

In a cult-like closed community of paranoid religious extremists.

Modeled on the Alamo.

Listen, word of advice: When the Feds show up in tanks and Glenn Koresh (Jesus, five letters. Glenn, five letters. It’s really just a matter of time, isn’t it?), when Jesus Beck commands you all to grab your kids and your guns and make your last stand in Temple Alamo? Yeah. You might want to think that one through, Davy Crockett. I’m just saying.

Also, anybody else catch that “multi-denominational” bit?

Multi-denominational.

I think that means they’ll have both country and western music playing on the Alamo sound system.

The town will also have a working ranch where visitors can learn how to farm and work the land.

Not to be pedantic or anything, but you work the land on a farm, you raise animals on a ranch. But hell, they’re worshipping in an multi-denominational evangelical church built by a born again Mormon modeled on a fort made from an old Roman Catholic Spanish mission, farm, ranch, tomato, potatoe, fuck it never mind.

Visitors can learn to work the land… and by “work the land [wink wink]” we mean fill out farm subsidy paperwork. I understand that they’ll be calling it the Bachmann Spread.

According to Beck, Independence, USA will grow all its own food and be completely self sufficient. Wasn’t that a major selling point on the Jonestown brochures as well? But I digress.

Independence would also be home to a Research and Development center where people would come to learn, innovate, educate, and create.

I look forward to the fruits of this institution.  What marvelous wonders will spring from applied creation science? New, more detailed conspiracy theories? A deeper understanding of Birtherism and 911 Truthiness? Will there be treatises on advanced Global Climate Change Denial? Survival tips for avoiding liquidation in FEMA Death Camps of Death? Refined quantum chalkboard theory? New cures for Teh Gayz? Guidelines for Ebay gold trading techniques? Nazi identification technology? Cheap domestic production techniques for New World Order tin foil hats on an industrial scale? A revolutionary new theory of Jesus Economics built on a foundation powered by the magical Ayn Rand Bullshit Generator?

Before you send your kids to college, you come to us. And you spend a week with us. We're gonna tell them exactly, we will show them the truth, we will tell them what they're going to try to do, and we will deprogram them every summer, if you care.

That would be great. I can spend forty grand a year making sure my kid gets a solid foundation in science, math, history, and cognitive skills – and then I can send him to Never Never Land, where Glenn can teach him how man and dinosaur frolicked together in sinless vegetarian joy six thousand years ago until it was ruined by Hitler.  I’m sure that will be very helpful, because the world doesn’t have enough homeless street preachers who reek of cat piss and bath salts and who spend their days in the park shouting at Satan. I wonder if the Becktopia Marketplace will have an apprenticeship program for that.

There would be a theme park for people to recharge and have fun with their families.

A theme park?

I gotta tell you, this place sound a lot less like Disney World to me, and a lot more like Westworld.

And yes, that sounds like fun … right up until the Robo Glennslinger goes berserk and starts slaughtering people, then it’ll be hilarious.

And finally,

People would also have the option to live in Independence, with a residential area where people of different incomes could all come together and be neighbors.

People of all different incomes could live together and be nei … SWEET ANGRY MONKEY GOD, IT’S LIBERAL HELL! Just like Hitler!

And who exactly will your neighbors be?

Commenters on The Blaze, Yahoo News, and Salon should give you a pretty good idea:

It is all possible, our ancestors did it over 200 years ago..

Yeah, and some of their descendants haven’t advanced since then.  Seriously, you want to live like your ancestors did two centuries back, that’s on you. I like indoor plumbing, social safety nets, and cable TV.

Beck preaches self-reliance. When a devastating weather disaster hits me I will overcome then help my neighbors. That’s why we stock pile food, water, gold, and guns. You have to be a fool to believe that government will help you after Katrina and the last hurricane. Believe/rely in yourself that’s all Beck teaches..

You’d have to be a fool to believe that government will help you after a disaster? Yeah, especially when conservative extremists (i.e. the people who listen to Glenn Beck) in congress are doing everything they can to delay federal assistance. 

Why would u need taxes [in Independence, USA]? Pay electric bill, water bill, and phone bill. FD will be volunteer[sic]. No democraps so no need in police. Only thing will be mandatory is military service and it will be funded by donations

See, if there are no democrats, there won’t be any crime. Because conservatives don’t commit crimes. That’s why there are no republicans in prison.  Want me to pull the thread on that one for you? Or can you get to the racist underpinning on your own? 

Also, Independence will have its own military. Funded by donations.  Military service will be mandatory.

I suspect YouTube videos of the Glenntopia Conscript Militia in their donated equipment engaging the US Army during the five minute Battle of the Alamo will be regular inclusions in the Darwin awards and world’s biggest idiot compilations for decades to come. It’ll probably be right after that video of Saddam Hussein daring George Bush to invade.

Beck wants to go back to the Leave it to Beaver days and I for one would love to see it, but I don't think it can be done.... Would love to see it though! Blacks and or the ACLU will try to screw it up as soon as it starts!.

Well, at least they’re not racists. And really, why wouldn’t people of color want a do-over of the 1950s?

If Beck’s dream fails, it’ll be the ACLU’s fault, mark my words.

Read the book atlas shrugged if you want to be informed. […] I am all for it. Plus the "society" Galt created had a financial system but was built on the premise of no Looters (Democrats), or Moochers (people on the system) only producers. Obama believes the following: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need" So the point is best put by the words of Ayn Rand and galt " I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." That is how I will live my life and I refuse to work for the benefit of another unless I choose too. I believe in charity, of MY CHOOSING, it is not the place of the Government to take from me and give to whatever they believe in. i have my beliefs and it is not the beliefs of Obama or anyone else for that matter. So you have all voted for what you are now getting. "reap what you sow". You are now doing that. Give Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Reid, Feinstein, etc. your guns. You have now given up. Live free in your utopia. Give 100% of your money to them as well, they know better than you do how to spend it. besides, you will be getting your health care, benefits, etc. from the government. So what do you need "Producers" for. Oh yeah, you cannot pay for all of this "Freedom" without the producers in the world. Hence the motto of the book. What would happen if the "producers" left and stopped being robbed at the barrel of a Government Gun. Don't believe the increase in "Revenue" obama likes to call it is not at the gun, then try not to pay your property taxes. Then a Sheriff will come to your house with a GUN and evict you. Even though you supposedly OWN your property. Well we do not anymore. Welcome to the United Socialist States of America cir. 1939. FDR new deal has made his socialist (communist) dream come true..

I think we’ve found the perfect guy to chair the Economics Department at Beck University.

And a history professor:

The Pilgrims did't take anyone else's land. Look it up- they waited for the folks who had cleared the area of Plymouth to show up only to learn they had all died of disease. The last man of that tribe had been abroad when the epidemic hit so he survived and lived with a neighboring people group. He welcomed the Pilgrims and helped them out. If you wanna talk about koolaid drinkers, those of you regurgitating the self-loathing lies of the left are the real cultists. Don't you ever question the contempt-filled litany of white guilt that was drummed into your skulls at college? Try it- the truth will set you free…[sic]

The truth, it will set you free. There’s a very funny de-motivational poster in there somewhere.

An isolated walled garrison town, created and controlled by Glenn Beck. 

Populated by people who think just like Glenn Beck. 

Designed to produce more people who see the world just like Glenn Beck!

Walt Disney my ass.

Independence, USA sounds like something dreamed up by Stephen King; it’s not EPCOT, it’s The Stepford Wives meets Children Of The Corn.

 

 

Two years ago, Glenn Beck stood on the Washington Mall in the shadow of Abraham Lincoln and told us that we, people like you and me, we weren’t Americans. That we didn’t belong.

Five decades ago this year, Martin Luther King stood upon those self same steps.  Dr. King looked out upon our nation and spoke in a voice that still brings me to tears and he told us all that he had a dream.  That dream, well, that dream was about more than just race, it was about people, Americans, coming together – instead of hiding in isolation, nursing their festering ignorance and bigotry and hatred. 

Dr. King’s dream was about building a nation, not tearing one apart and squatting in the ruins. 

It seems that some folks never got the message.

Glenn Beck wants to create his own retreat far from us?

I say fine.

Brick him in and let him rot in his apartheid.

 

---

Hat Tip to Vernor Vinge and his short story “Apartness” for the title and the last line of this essay.

Your Hate Warms My Flinty Black Heart

This blog is the most stupid bias blog I have ever read. Stuff like this is ruin facebook. You stupid socialist libs are all the same. There is nothing more bias than a lib. Pathetic. The so-called author of this hitler marx propaganda is probably a black women who OBVIOUSLY hates “whitey.” Which is just stuipid big time because they pay for her everything. They were NEVER SLAVES dumbazz. Whenever you hear them talking about getting even for salvry you know its a another libby welfare moocher afraid shes have to start working for her own hair extensions! You’re the stupid. Can't even speak right like normal people. You're probably illiterate too. You idiots think because your great messiah hussein got himself reelected from buying the vote that the whole country thinks like you socialist idiots do. The idiot author has no idea what the majority of AMERICANS really believe and never will clueless just like the stupid idiot barry hussein.

I admit it.

I expected it.

I knew I’d get hate mail when I wrote the previous piece.

The title, It’s The Racism, Stupid, pretty much guaranteed it.

I’ve been doing this for a while, I can usually tell which posts will get the haters fired up, and this time I knew I’d pull in more of them than a Hank Williams Jr. concert at a tractor pull. So I kept an eagle eye on the blog comments and kept the Troll Hammer ready to pound the bastards into jam when they inevitably appeared.

And, of course, inevitably they did, because there is nothing more predictable than the tired repetitious hatred of bigots.

Some advice to other bloggers, if you really – and I mean really – want to drive a hater right off the deep end, just delete their remarks without comment.  Don’t argue, don’t attempt to reason with them, don’t allow them a platform. Just erase their remarks and don’t acknowledge their existence. Then block their IP address so they can’t comment in the future.

Trust me on this, hilarity will ensue.

As always, when denied the ability to spew their bilious frothy bilge here, they resort to email – because, By Jebus! They have First Amendment rights and they’re going to tell me what they think of me and they will not be denied!

As I said, oh so predictable, right to the bitter end.

Now, before somebody points it out, yes, you are correct, there is a certain degree of perverse irony in the fact that I delete their comments … and then write a post wherein I deliberately publish the same comments that I just deleted, along with the hate mail that I also usually just delete.

But, hey, that’s me, I’m nothing if not perversely ironic. If I ever give up the blogging gig and become a super hero, that will be my super hero moniker, Perverse Irony Man. But then my arch nemesis will probably shorten it to Pervy Ironman … which come to think of it does have a certain cachet and would fit on the spandex better. But I digress.

Speaking of ironic, how about that comment up above? Posted anonymously (but of course) late yesterday afternoon?

Isn’t that precious?

I tell you, I savor every word of that comment.

Every word.

I might have to have that comment framed and bronzed for posterity.

Can’t even speak right like normal people! I’m probably illiterate too! And I’m probably a black woman who hates whitey!

Hot damn, you know it’s going to be a good day when you get a comment like that one on a post about bigotry. I feel like that kid in Animal House when the naked cheerleader comes flying through the window and lands on his bed, “Thank you, God!”

I don’t understand people like Jim Wright. How can you be this insane? What happened to you that makes you hate God so much? Really I would like to know. Why should republicans have to change? They’re right! America is based on majority rule. We’re the majority and we represent traditional American values (i.e. God!) that made this country great. When did fiscal responsibility, freedom, morals and less government become bad things? And killing your baby is good?! I just don’t understand you. It’s not bigotry to hate homosexualism and their immoral agenda because that is a sin. Murder is a sin isn’t it? And it’s against the law, so why isn’t homosexualism? You can’t answer that, can you? I read the comments from people who cheered your “logic” but they are as blind as you are. I will pray for you all. God said to hate sin, that is the true word of God. God is not a bigot!

Well, you’re right about one thing, I have no answer to your stunning logic.

I do have a question however, isn’t a hate a sin too? Or is that just for Catholics? By your beliefs, shouldn’t we outlaw hate too?

I have another question, since you’re going to pray for us all, what if nothing happens? What if I keep right on doing what I’m doing and my readers keep right doing what they’re doing and your unsolicited praying has no effect whatsoever?  Whose fault is it? Yours for not praying convincingly enough? Or God’s, for not listening to your incessant jabber?

What?

Look, You brought it up.  Frankly, your religion makes my head hurt.  And since you gave me a headache, the least you can do is explain yourself.

Also, I don’t think you understand what the word “bigot” actually means. But that’s not particularly surprising, given that you appear to have an astounding inability to comprehend a wide ranging variety of subjects.  Perhaps you should pray that Jesus will return in time to help you pull your head out of your ass, it seems like it might be a two person job. Maybe if you pray really extra good, he’ll bring the Jaws-Of-Life, because I think you’re going to need hydraulic help.

What crap. Typical liberal thinking. You think we don’t see what your doing with these kind of crap??? Conservatives need to stick to there guns and not fall for your smoke oil fake “change” crap. it’s a trick by liberals to destroy the Grand old party of Lincoln. WELL WERE NOT FALLING FOR IT!!!

Oh hell, he’s on to our plan to make Republicans stop acting like assholes.

You know what? Good for you. Way to stick to your guns. And your racism, and your homophobia, and your sexism, and the rest of your bigotry. Tell you what, why don’t you give me a call in ten years, tell me how that worked out for you and Mr. Lincoln.

Oh Jim Jim Jim Obama doesn’t have a mandate!! Why do you keep saying that he has a mandate?! Lies! Lies! Lies! There is no mandate. You poor liberals just can’t help yourself from lying can you? Liberalism really is a mental illness, isn’t it? When are you going to learn?

Probably about the time you actually start reading what I actually wrote.

Mandate? Let’s see, I used the word mandate exactly, hmmm, carry the one, round to the nearest whole number, divide by Jesus … OK, that’s odd. It looks like mandate was used exactly zero times.

Zero.

Man, I can’t believe I wrote a whole post about mandates and totally forgot to use the word mandate. It’s like I didn’t even write a post about mandates at all.

Well, that’s awkward awkward awkward.

Please. It’s racism stupid?  You call people stupid but it’s ok to say whites are bigots? I’m not a racist! Racism is voting by COLOR. Whites are the very least racist because whites come from all over the world in America and get married and insimilate. Have you ever heard of the “melting pot?” Irish and ggerman and Italians and Englishmen all came together in Ellis island and shared their culture and left behind their origins. Blacks don’t do that. They didn’t even come from Ellis Island like regular people did. African American? What is that? Latinos? Mexican American, what is that? Why can’t they just call themsevles American? They even want special made up holidays. Quanza? What is that? You con’t see that with Cubans they come to America and are grateful and try to fit in and don’t call themselves “Cuban-American.” They say they are American period. That’s racism stupid. Black people need to start taking responsiblty for themselves until then they shouldn’t be allowed to vote because they elect people based on COLOR like Obama.

I. Well. Um.  Wait, what the fuck did you just say?

That’s just, wow.

I’m not rendered speechless very damned often, but seriously, wow. 

“Insimilate.” Is that what the space aliens did to your mom?

I read this comment when it was posted to my blog about 4AM this morning. And no, I don’t usually check the comments at 4AM.  But as I mentioned above I was fully expecting haters so when I woke up at 4AM, instead of rolling over and going back to sleep to dream about the glorious UN led invasion of Texas, I glanced at my phone instead and there it was. I was about half awake and I had to read this idiotic comment about three times before I was sure of what it was saying. And then I still had to go down to the den and read it again on my main computer.

Boy, good thing the guy wasn’t a racist, eh? Because then he’d really be a douchebag.

So I’m a bigot am I? Well you libs haven’t even seen hate yet. Wait till I meet you in a dark alley some night motherfucker. I’ll only need one bullet.

I believe you.

I do.

Make sure you put the muzzle all the way to the back of your mouth, since you’ve only got the one bullet you wouldn’t want to miss.

Get this Romney won independents and all of the white vote. Ok. Obumer got the blacks and the latinos and of course all of the gays voted for him because he’s one of theirs. OK. And you say republicans are the ones with the problem? And whose stupid? OK. Whatever.

So, just to clarify:

If white people vote for a white guy, it’s only because he best represents their lives which, as you know, includes $200 million in the bank and a car elevator in the garage of their vacation homes.

If black people vote for a black guy (who also just happens to be half white), it’s because they’re all about the skin color. 

That about sum it up?

O’nomo wouldn’t have won if Sandy hadn’t happened and that’s a fact. If that fat lard ass RINO in New Jersey hadn’t sucked O’nomo’s dick on TV Romney would won in a landslide. We should have let them drown but now O’nomo will spend our tax dollars on the stupid traitors. Might as well, these last four have basically been Jersey Shore anyway. Hope you’re happy when O’nomo finally finishes off this great nation.

You know things have really changed when the liberals are hailing Chris Christie as fair and balanced and conservatives are the ones making the fat jokes.

There’s more, but I think that’s enough for one night.

 

And you people were worried that conservatives don’t read Stonekettle Station.

You guys are so funny.

Scream and Shout!

When in danger, when in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout
                        - Naval adage

 

Chuck Norris isn't scared of anybody.

Anybody.

Well, OK, almost anybody.

There appears to be one exception.

There is one person that just plain frightens the jujitsu out of old Chuck.

What could possibly terrify Chuck Norris?

After all he’s a tough dude. A force of nature is Chuck Norris, right?

Chuck Norris is the guy who has a grizzly bear rug in his living room, the bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door, he’s the reason Waldo is in hiding, he created the giraffe by kicking a horse in the chin, he can make fire by rubbing two ice cubes together, and he can cut through a hot knife with a stick of butter.

Death once had a near-Chuck experience.

You know what they say, “Behind Chuck Norris' beard is another fist.”

But what you may not know is that behind Chuck's chin hammer, and right under that road-killed Pomeranian we're all supposed to believe is his actual manly Kung Fu hair, is a paranoid full-frontal bug-eyed, booger-eating, batshit-crazy wackaloon.

And that wackaloon is scared shitless.

What scares Chuck Norris? 

Who turns Chuck’s sinewy bowels to water and makes his muscular lower lip tremble and causes him to lay awake at night clutching the sheet over his head in the dark peeking out at the closet door?

I’ll give you a hint.

He’s tall and black and lives in the White House.

Back in January, Norris wrote an OpEd in World Net Daily (because really, where else, right?) in which he proclaimed "civilization is on the brink."

Oh noes!

Not the brink!

What will we do? What will we do?

Civilization is on the brink! The Brink!

If only there was a bearded hero to save us! Somebody who could karate chop the National Debit and roundhouse kick social issues back into the Stone Age with the other Neanderthals – all the while glaring ferociously and growling simpleminded patriotic platitudes. If only there was a guy like that. Why he’d kill the Taliban and introduce the Muslims to God personally. He’d scare gays straight and perform traditional marriages himself. He’d kick the sick right out of people so they wouldn’t even need healthcare, socialized or otherwise. He’d stop gang violence with a single raised hairy eyebrow and kill Nazi Communists with just a stern look. Yeah, if only there was a guy like that.

Despite eight months of sustained economic growth since his dire warning, this last Labor Day weekend Chuck Norris doubled down.  He and his wife, Gena, released a YouTube video:

 

Apparently if Barack Obama wins reelection, it will will usher in a “thousand years of darkness.”

A thousand years of darkness. 

A thousand years.

Of darkness.

Ten centuries. Of darkness.

A whole millennium. Of inky black darkness.

If Mitt Romney doesn’t win, folks, it’s one thousand years of darkness.

I suppose I should probably pick up a couple packs of extra flashlight batteries on the way home from the voting booth, just in case.

It never ceases to amaze me how folks like Chuck Norris and the rest of these good God fearing patriots, people who loudly claim to be better Americans than all the rest of us combined and then some, how these people seem to have so little faith in the United States. So little faith in the democracy they profess to love above all else.  Norris and the rest of the conservative talking heads, hell, the whole goddamned Republican party, seem to think that the men who designed this country, who wrote the Constitution and formed the Union, those folks whom they revere as god-like, infallible, without flaw or weakness and who they quote endlessly … were somehow so damned stupid and short sighted that they designed a system that could be destroyed by a single man in an afternoon. 

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why these people are so gung ho to defend a system that they demonstrate so little faith in.

Of course, even they – crazy as they are – know that our system of government prevents any single ordinary human being from destroying the United States. Or taking over. That’s why people like Chuck Norris, a man supposedly not scared by any ordinary man, can’t let Barack Obama be ordinary. Obama has to be the Anti-Christ, Satan, the Devil, a robot alien reptile in a rubber human suit, a slinking communist, a scheming Muslim, a Kenyan, the Magic Negro.  He can’t just be a guy they disagree with, he has to be bigger than that.

Because if he’s not, how then do you scare everybody else into voting against him?

The video appears to have been shot in the Norris home gym.  I have to wonder if every room in the Norris Mansion flies the American flag, or just in the Dojo.

I also wonder if the rank odor of unwashed jock straps combined with too much discount toupee glue, not to mention repeated blows to the frontal lobes, hasn’t left Chuck a bit addlepated.

If you can’t bring yourself to actually watch the video, the Norrises (Norrisi?) spend about two minutes quoting Edmund Burke and Ronald Reagan out of context and basically manage to come across looking like exactly what they are – a pair of frightened prototypical TEA Party loons who’ve spent far too much time in a low oxygen environment killing brain cells with copious amounts of conservative talk radio.

Chuck Norris isn't scared of anybody.

Except for Barack Obama.

"Our great country and freedom are under attack. We are at a tipping point and quite possibly our country as we know it could be lost forever if we don't change the course our country is headed."

Could possibly maybe sort of. There’s that biblical certainty Evangelicals are so well known for right there. Oh yes, I’m frightened now.

Mrs. Chin-Fist chimed in with a dire warning of her own:

"We will preserve for our children this last best hope for man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into one thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children's children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done."

She was paraphrasing Ronald Reagan’s iconic speech, A Time for Choosing, in which he endorsed Barry Goldwater for president in 1964.  Back then Reagan was just another has-been actor with artificially enhanced hair, sort of like somebody else we could name. Just as a point of order, in that speech Reagan warned that we were about to take the last step into a thousand years of inky black darkness, not the first.  Now, far be it from me to question paranoid conservative mental acuity, but if America took the last step in 1964 I’m not quite sure how we take the first step in 2012 – but then creationism math has never been my strong suite.

"You and I have a rendezvous with destiny,” Reagan assured Goldwater. 

Turns out Reagan was wrong. Wrong about the darkness. Wrong about the rendezvous. Wrong about destiny.

And Reagan didn't win the election for Barry Goldwater either, despite warning everybody that the world would literally end if they didn’t vote Republican. 

It didn’t work for Reagan, but, hell, maybe Chuck Norris can scare Americans into voting Republican this time around.

Say, did anybody else notice that conservatives were once sweet on the name Barry? No? Just me then. Right.

So anyway, as I was sa… wait, what?

Hold the hell on here. Just hold on. Back the Kung Pow Chicken up. Say that again, Gena. Willard Romney is the last best hope for man on earth?

Romney is mankind’s only hope? Mitt Romney?

Mankind’s only hope is nicknamed Mitt?

OK, she didn’t actually say “Mitt Romney” but unless Wookie Jesus is in the running, who the hell else could she possibly mean?

Mitt Romney is the last best hope for man?

You’re kidding me, right? You’re married to Chuck Fucking Norris, and Mitt Romney is your last best hope?

It’s Mitt Romney in IMAX 3D! The Last Best Hope For Mankind On Earth. Dant dant Daaaah! Costarring Chuck Chin-Fist Norris and Seamus the Wonder Mutt. They did all that they could. For America! For the children. For the children’s children. And the children’s children’s children. And some other kids. And Wall Street. In theaters this November! Dant Dant Daaaaaaaah! Also, Kung Fu.

Gena Norris also warns that America has a "rendezvous with destiny.”

Destiny again.

Really? A thousand years of soul destroying darkness isn’t enough?

It isn’t enough that the savior’s name is Mittens?

No, we have to rendezvous with destiny too? And really what’s that destiny going to be? Oceans rise! Mountains burn! And a giant comet streaks towards earth! It’s the size of Rush Limbaugh, Mr. President! Only Walker, Texas Ranger and a plucky band of out of work oil rig workers who didn’t graduate high school but are really, really good at boozing and making wisecracks, can save the day! Also, Wookie Jesus. And Nazis – because, really, there are always Nazis, right?

They could probably get Hank Williams Jr. to do the soundtrack.

“We’ve got a Muslim for a President who hates cowboys, hates cowgirls, hates fishing, hates farming, loves gays, and we hate him!”

That was Hank last Sunday at the Texas Stockyard Music Festival.  He’s said stuff like this before, this time he added in gay farmers. Needless to say, Hank was cheered by the crowd – it was Texas after all.  Last year he got himself into some hot water by comparing President Obama to Hitler – because, really, Obama wanted to give everybody affordable healthcare, Hitler gassed six million Jews and blew up Europe. The similarity is striking, right?

President Obama, of course, isn’t actually a Muslim, and he isn’t actually Adolf Hitler – but then Hank Williams Jr. isn’t actually a cowboy either so I suppose it all works out in the end.  Personally, at this point I think Hank and Ted Nugent should probably get gay-married, but I understand that’s not legal in Texas.

Yet.

Methinks, somebody, and I’m not saying who, has watched about one too many Kung Fu movies.

 

They say that Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits.

He might want to stop waiting and take a nap because people who don’t sleep go psychotic.

And frankly, at this point? It looks like Clint Eastwood might be the sanest guy in the room.

A Certain Point Of View

Warning: The following article contains excessive sarcasm, it should only be consumed with large amounts of strong whiskey.

---

The latest words of wisdom from Word Salad Sally:

Well, what we can gleam from this is an understanding of why we are all on the road that we are on and it's based on what went into his thinking being surrounded by radicals he is bringing us back Sean to days that you can harken back to days before the Civil War when unfortunately too many Americans mistakenly believed that not all men were created equal. And it was the Civil War that began the codification of the truth here in America yes we are equal and we all have equal opportunities not based on the color of your skin. You have equal opportunities to work hard and to succeed and to embrace the opportunities god given opportunities to develop resources and work extremely hard and as I say to succeed. Now it has taken all these years for many Americans to understand that that gravity that mistake took place before the Civil War and why the Civil War had to really start changing America. What Barack Obama seems to want to do is go back to before those days when we were in different classes based on income based on color of skin.

I know, I know.

You want to say it, don’t you?

You want to use that word, don’t you?

Sure, you do, you’re liberals. I see you reaching for the c-word.

Don’t do it.

No, just don’t do it.  I’ve already spent the last week playing Whack-a-Mole with the Limbaugh defenders, I don’t need you calling Sarah Palin names on here on Stonekettle Station.  I think we can all agree that she’s been oppressed enough. 

Besides, she’s right you know.

Sure.

I think we’ve already established that Sarah Palin is an expert on both Barack Obama and American history. And now it turns out that she’s as much an expert on the Antebellum South as she is on the American Revolution.

When Sarah Palin talks about American history, well, Sir, it really makes you think. Doesn’t it?

What Barack Obama seems to want to do is go back to before those days when we were in different classes based on income based on color of skin.

Sure, that’s exactly what Obama wants to do.  It’s so obvious when Professor Palin points it out, isn’t it?

And seriously, what black person wouldn’t?

What black person wouldn’t want to go back to the days of pre-Civil War America?

No wonder all black people support Barak Obama and his vision of Socialist Amerika.  They’re all in it together, you know.  Black people are all socialists at heart anyway. Sure they are. 

Of course they want to go back. Of course they do. The Antebellum South was a paradise for black people.

No really.

Think about it.

Think about it the way somebody much smarter than you obviously has.

What?  Oh, now you want to call me the c-word, do you? 

Your problem is that you’re looking at the past through the liberal colored (heh heh, see what I did there? I slipped in the word colored) glasses of the elitist media. You’ve been fed a pack of socialist lies by the communist feminazis of the public school system!

But, you’re not looking at this correctly.

No, really, this is about you, this isn’t about Sarah Palin. 

Remember in the second Star Wars movie where the radical domestic terrorist, Luke Skywalker, was wandering through that South Carolina swamp talking to the ghost of Old Bill Ayers? Sure and Old Bill says, “See, everything I told you was true … from a certain point of view.”  And Luke is all “WTF, Obi? A certain point of view?”  And everybody in the audience is like “Yeah, WTF? That wizard is just a crazy old man!” 

But then it turns out that Luke was just another robe wearing hippy Marxist who wanted to destroy the country in order to impose some kind of socialist totalitarianism?

It’s exactly like that.

Sarah Palin is the Obi Wan Kenobi of American politics.  Everybody thinks she’s crazy (oops, looks like I used the c-word after all. Oh well), but it’s because you’re not looking at history from the right angle.

Let’s review the facts unvarnished by the liberal lies, shall we?

Back before the Civil War:

Black people were taken care by White People from cradle to grave.  It’s true!

White People had to spend money taking care of black people. Sure. White People had to pay for black people’s food. White People paid for black people’s clothes. White People had to give black people free housing.  You talk about forced redistribution of wealth! That’s totally a fact and you can’t argue with facts.

But wait there’s more. 

White People had to pay for black people’s transportation and immigration. I know, I know, outrageous! White People had to actually pay for black people to come to America from Africa by cruise ships. No, really, what do you call it when black people didn’t even have to work for their passage, they just laid around below decks talking and hanging out with other black people – and White People had do do all the crewing and sailing and work? White People literally had to pay for the black invasion of America!

Back in those days before the Civil War, White People even had to pay for black people’s healthcare!  Black people were so socialist that they totally depended on the oppressed White People class to take care of their every healthcare need. Seriously, look it up – there weren’t any black people even working in healthcare in those days, not one single black doctor.  Black people didn’t even go to school! White People had to be the doctors and the scientists and the engineers! White People had to build America and black people just came along for the ride!

In fact, black people were so lazy, so socialist, that they even made White People decide which career fields black children would pursue.  It’s true, they just expected White People to take care of their little black children, actually pawning them off on other White People households and shit.  White People had to provide all the jobs for black people. Affirmative action was run amok back in those days, a White Person couldn’t even get a job in agriculture or textile manufacturing because black people totally dominated the workforce. 

White People had to serve in the military and defend the country which kept black people safe. 

White People had to run the government and all the businesses and keep capitalism going and black people just benefitted without having to do anything.

Black people didn’t even pay taxes. 

Look, you want to know how extreme the black socialism was before the Civil War set things straight?

You want to know how far the liberal black agenda had gone? 

Dig this: Black people didn’t even own any property. Hello, sounds like just like the communist Soviet Union, doesn’t it?

Back then, before the Civil War, black people had made White People totally their bitches.

…and it was the Civil War that began the codification of the truth here in America yes we are equal and we all have equal opportunities not based on the color of your skin.

Thankfully, the Civil War finally ended the black enslavement of White People.

Oh yes, only now, at the end, do you understand.

And you thought Sarah Palin was crazy, didn’t you?

Do you finally see it now?

 

Back in the days before the Civil War, America was a socialist paradise for Negroes!

No wonder Obama wants to go back to that time.