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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Oooh! Christmas Spam!

From Sanford O. Roth:

Searching for a Christmas gift for your beloved woman?

Don't doubt, she will be so excited to find
a huge one-eyed python in your trousers!

Make all ladies worship your male package!

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Dear Mr. Roth,

So good to hear from you! How is the weather in Nigeria this time of year? That pesky civil war over yet?

I'm sorry to say that your message arrived just a little too late, I've already completed my Christmas shopping for this year. Sadly, although it was the number one item on my list, I was unable to procure a large trouser python, one eyed or otherwise, at the local Wal-Mart. There were several used ones for sale in the local want adds, but I don't think my wife would be happy with a 'pre-owned' unit. However, I'm sure she will be quite happy with the car polish and power tool set that I did get for her.

As to the worship part - they already do, Sanford, they already do. In fact my Christmas package wrapping skills are the talk of the town.

Sincerely, Jim

25 comments:

  1. ooh. I want to see a one-eyed python, one with a little tiny patch over the socket where the missing eye is.

    That would be cool. Maybe it could be a pirate's familiar, like parrots are traditionally portrayed. They could go into battle together, with the trouser snake being happy to see people, and a freaky member of the boarding party.

    Heck, now I want to ask Pixelfish to draw up a snake with an eyepatch. Because that would be cool.

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  2. Well, see the problem with a pirate python is that whole peg-leg thing, not to mention the hook.

    I mean a snake with a peg leg on one end and a hook on the other is basically a cane...

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  3. I would assume another problem with a one-eyed python is that you have to practically spoon-feed it. The constrictor we had in my fifth grade classroom many years ago had a hard enough time catching mice with both eyes; I can only imagine that a python without depth perception would be even harder pressed. Although, now that I think about it, I believe that the woman I know who has a pet boa feeds it already-dead rabbits (I may be mistaken), so maybe it's not that difficult, after all.

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  4. Imagination, man. Use your imagination!

    I'm still fixating on a prehensile tentacle like thing (snake) springing forth from a pirate's pants, grabbing his opponent, and pretty much freaking the living shit out of said opponent.

    Then again, I've always wanted a usable prehensile tail, for all those occasions when a third hand would be awfully useful. Getting all my clothes custom tailored would be a pain, but still...Being able to reach any itchy spot on your back? Oh yeah.

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  5. ok, now it sounds like I'm into some sort of tentacle porn. I may have just squicked myself. Ick ick ick.

    We had a boa when I was a kid, Oscar didn't have any problems catching the mice we fed him. Maybe he was a bloodthirsty, vindictive snake?

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  6. I almost responded to this a few times, but my "step away from the keyboard" gene kicked in.

    (What's your problem with canes, BTW).

    Also, Jim's unlikely new hero?

    http://tinyurl.com/2eaf4x

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  7. Nathan, that story just made my head explode.

    *pop*

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  8. Hypocrisy from Bill Donohue and the Catholic League? Shocked, shocked I am.

    The guy is an asshole. He's so deep into his hypocrisy that he either can't hear the words coming out of his mouth - or he just doesn't care. And I suspect that the later is the true statement here. He says stupid shit like this because it gets him into the spotlight - and like most of his ilk (you know what an ilk is, right? Like a big deer...) I think that's what he really wants. Personally, I doubt that he really believes in his God, or his religion, he just uses it as a springboard to power over others. People like Bill Donohue make me wish that there really is a Christian God, and that he is everything they say he is, because if that is the case - then hypocrites like Donohue will have to answer for their bullshit one day.

    Fortunately, the vast majority of Catholics aren't like him at all, at least in my experience. Personally, I'd love to see ole' Joey Rats tell him to shut the fuck up, but it probably won't happen.

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  9. Tania, the fact that there is such a thing a tentacle porn freaks me out a little. Odd folks, those Japanese.

    And Eric has a point, a one-eyed snake would have a depth perception problem. Probably have trouble finding the target - so to speak.

    Nathan, I tend to flinch around canes. See my grandfather walked with a cane, a hooked hickory one. When we were young kids, my brother and I, and behaving badly, Grandpa would give us a thump across the backside with it. Since he wasn't all that fast in his old age, it was fairly easy to dodge his grasp - until he developed the habit of reversing the cane and hooking your ankle with it. Then you'd get reeled in and thumped twice as hard for trying to get away. Lesson, behave, seriously. Grandpa raised five kids during the depression, he wasn't putting up with any shit from us.

    Plus, with my current batch of injuries (knees and left foot, I limp about half the time now), it is likely that sometime in the future I'll have to use one. I'm already practicing my kid hooking skills.

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  10. Jim you've got to install one of the "most recently commented on" banners down the side of you blog. I almost missed "kid hooking skills".

    That would have been a shame.

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  11. I've seen that, but have no idea where it's coming from. It's not in the standard set of Blogger.com things you can add, at least as far as I can tell, and I looked pretty hard for one. It might be a third-party script or something. Or a paid subscription feature.

    In the meantime, it's possible to subscribe to replies on individual blog posts by hitting the " Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)" button at the bottom, and set up a feed. Or just memorize the comment count and/or obsessively check back multiple times a day like I'm doing. ;)

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  12. Hrm. How about if someone besides you posted something?

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  13. Geez, sorreee. I was out in the shop. You know I do have to attend to the money making stuff once in a while - I'm retired, but I still have to do something that makes some kind of income...

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  14. Hmmmm, Nathan, like MWT said that's not a pre-defined blogger widget.

    On the other hand, blogger supports the full HTML/JAVA code package. I've added a number of things that are non standard - I'll see what I can do. Could be interesting - also could take down the whole blogspot/google system, which, come to think of it, might be interesting too - in a car crash sort of way

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  15. Or I suppose we could just nicely ask An Eric how he's doing it and hopefully he'll just tell us. ;)

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  16. Go poke in the code! It's fun! You'll like it! All the other rats are doing it!

    I would guess there is almost certainly a widget for comments, since, like, everyone has 'em.

    But I can only tell you how to do it for WordPress and probably MovableType, without ever having prodded the back end of blogger.

    Well, you could probably go look at someone else's code and see how they did it, then steal their code and re ppropriate it for your own.

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  17. Tentacle porn? Laurell K Hamilton wrote a bit of it in a bestselling Merry Gentry novel. (I use the word novel very loosely.) I regret that I am able to share this information with you.

    Note to self: DON'T buy another Laurell K Hamilton book, even if it's cheap and in paperback and sounds like it might possibly contain actual plot elements.

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  18. Go poke in the code! It's fun! You'll like it! All the other rats are doing it!

    Fun, Michelle? I suspect you and I have very different ideas of fun. I don't much care for HTML/JAVA coding, C++ now, or better yet Pascal OOPS, I enjoy, but HTML? Well, better that than Fortran, but not by much.

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  19. Jeri, I've never read LKH, not my thing, though I understand she has a pretty big following, many of whom have become somewhat disgruntled as of late.

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  20. Yeah, I'd say. My husband (with the CS degree) does all the hardcore programming around here. I do the HTML/CSS/PHP stuff.

    So betwixt the two of us we have a far range of the spectrum covered.

    But I really do love web design.

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  21. Michelle, My degree is in CS and I have 20 years plus experience in the field of Information Warfare (basically making the other guy's information systems and data do what you want it to do). Years ago I was certified in a number of mainline languages, Pascal, Fortran, C, LISP, and I did a lot of coding. Never really enjoyed it much though.

    I'm familiar with Java, but I've never had formal training in it - and web design leaves me lukewarm. I do love database programming, I've done some extensive programming for Sybase and Access.

    Nowadays, I don't do much programming though, and what little I do is usually in Visual Basic.

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