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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

This month's interweeb meme

Steve Buccheit posted this meme on Story Bones, which he swiped from his pal Camille Alexa.

I thought you all might get a kick out of it, so I stole it.


In thirty-five questions, tell me about yourself. I'll go first:

1) Ever been in a relationship lasting over 5 years?
Yep - my wife and I have been married for 16 years, and we lived together for 6 months before that.

Other than that? No. In fact, up until I met my wife I was the poster-child for bad relationships, seriously. In order, I was involved with: an closet alcoholic (of the abusive kind), a cheating whore (really, later I found out she charged for it and eventually got pregnant, yet still claimed that she was a virgin), a raving hypochondriac (you have no idea), and a compulsive lier (of the major psychotic break kind) and yes, these were all different women. When I met my wife, I had sworn off relationships, forever. A friend kept trying to set me up with someone she knew. A blind date? Yeah, with my track record? But she kept at me and in order to get her to shut the hell up about it, I agreed, and that's how I met my wife.

2) What was one of your dreams growing up?
To live in Alaska. No, really.

3) What talent do you wish you had?
Musical ability. I am so lacking in musical ability that it defies description; I was the only Slug (Chief Petty Officer candidate) who was ordered not to sing during initiation.

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
Something Irish. Killians Irish Red Ale, ice cold, in a frosted pilsner glass. Or an Irish coffee.

5) Favorite books?
Nova, Samual Delany.
The Man Who Would Be King, Rudyard Kipling.
Ringworld, Larry Niven
The Dying of the Light, George RR Martin.
Star Hammer, Christopher B. Rowley
Farmer in the Sky (Star Scout), Robert Heinlein

6) What was the last book you read?
Second Genesis, Donald Moffitt

7) Astrology: Menace to science education or entertainment?
Menace, not to mention just plain goofy.

8) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
No. Well I've had my hide pierced a number of times, but it was strictly unintentional.

9) Worst habit?
I used to smoke, my wife made me give it up 16 years ago. Nowadays, it's probably swearing, for which, as a Navy Warrant, I was widely admired. As a civilian, it's a much less impressive habit. I'm trying to give it up, at least in everyday speech.

10) Best attribute?
Loyalty.

11) What are your favorite hobbies?
Wood turning (didn't see that coming did you?)
Reading.
Blogging.
Photography.
Hiking.
Fishing.

12) Do you have a negative or optimistic attitude?
I'm on the fence, sometimes I'm incredibly optimistic, sometimes I'm a pessimist. It has to do with the things I can control - if I control the situation, I'm optimistic. But when it comes to things like politics and the economy and etc, not so much.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
If I like you, I'll talk your ear off. If I think you're a jerk, I'll beat you up and take your lunch money (really, I'd probably just ignore you, unless you piss me off).

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Hmmm, that's hard to say. I've been in the midst of many strange and dangerous situations, but I survived them all, and learned things, and became a little wiser (maybe).

15) Best thing to ever happen to you?
Met my wife, whom I couldn't imagine life without, and had my son, whom I couldn't imagine life without. Doesn't get any better than that.

16) Tell me one weird fact about you.
I hate tomatoes, so does my wife. What are the odds that the only two people on the planet who detest that vegetable would hook up?

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
I hope you like Killians Irish Red Ale.

18) What was your first impression of me? (Since I swiped this list from Camille Alexa's site, I'll answer her).
Uh, I don't know. I read your comments on Steve Buccheit's site and you seem like an interesting and intelligent person. Plus Steve likes you, so you're ok in my book.

19) What scares you?
The cat box.

20) If you could change one thing about how you are, what would it be?
I'd probably say that I'd like to be able to suffer fools gladly, but that would be a lie.

Truthfully if I could change anything, I'd probably have myself modified to replace my increasingly arthritic skeleton with an exotic alloy combat-chassis like the terminator. Oh, and I want my forearm to turn into a phased-plasma rifle, in the 30kilowat range, or a flamethrower. Then I'll be happy to suffer the fools, oh there'll be some suffering going on, gladly.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
I'd be your conscientious crime partner.

22) What color eyes do you have?
Greenish blue gray. My driver's license just says "green."

23) Ever been arrested? If so, what for?
Yes, twice in one day as a matter of fact. In Louisiana, the backward-ass, xenophobic, inbred, six-toed, cousin-humping, sister-loving, cross-eyed baby having, corn pone, tire-swinging, rattletrap-truck driving, confederate flag-waving, grits-eating, trailer-park dwelling, rusty car park in the yard, three refrigerators on the front porch, ignorant, illiterate, uneducated, creationist science believing, bible-waving, mosquito-invested, alligator dodging, NASCAR worshiping, redneck capital of the universe. Reason? "Ya'll ain't from aroun' heaer is ya, boy?"

24) Favorite dessert?
Chocolate fudge cake with chocolate fudge ice cream on a chocolate fudge brownie with chocolate fudge pudding filling, smothered in chocolate fudge sauce covered in shaved chocolate - with a side of chocolate fudge. If that's not available, I'll take 'The Volcano' at any Rain Forest Cafe.

25) If you won $1000 today, what would you do with it?
Fill up my gas tank, twice.

26) Tell me something you want me to know about you.
I'm left handed.

27) What's your favorite place to hang out?
My woodshop.

28) Do you believe in ghosts? Aliens?
Ghosts? No. Aliens? It depends. Out there, somewhere, sure. Visiting us here? Not so much. And if they are coming here - well, I think they're not beings I'd want to know. I mean, come on, they cross umpty dozen light years to get here, traveling at or near light speed, years in transit, requiring more energy than the White House spends deleting it's email - and when they get here they mutilate cattle and have sex with Louisiana Rednecks who can't even get laid within their own species? Yeah, I'm going to take a pass on meeting the ET's.

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
I don't have any spare time, but if I did, I'd probably spend it fantasizing about what I'd do if I had more spare time.

30) Do you swear a lot?
Fucking A.

31) Biggest pet peeve?
Deliberately stupid people. People who drive too slow in the fast lane. People who believe they were kidnapped by aliens. Creationists. Neo-con Republicans. People who don't know that Alaska is actually part of the United States. Tourists. Cell phones. Stupid tourists on cells phones. Wal-Mart. Women who carry little dogs in their purses. Guys who can't talk about anything other than sports, ever. Guys who brag about their conquests. NASCAR. Nancy Grace. The fact that my country is led by a power-mad idiot who resembles a chimp. And like that.

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Contrary.

33) Do you believe in/appreciate romance?
Oui, mon cheri

34) Most unusual place you've had sex?
Maine.

35) Do you believe in an afterlife?
No. But I sure as hell believe in this one.

43 comments:

  1. Remind me not to get stuck in an elevator with you. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. 1) Ever been in a relationship lasting over 5 years? Yes, my ex-wife.
    2) What was one of your dreams growing up? To be a meteorologist.
    3) What talent do you wish you had? That I could really act well.
    4) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Captain Morgan and Diet Coke.
    5) Favorite books? The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien; The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, William L. Shirer; The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress, Robert Heinlein; Old Man's War/The Ghost Brigades/The Lost Colony, John Scalzi; Everything by Cordwainer Smith
    6) What was the last book you read? The Science of Sherlock Holmes, E.J. Wagner
    7) Astrology: Menace to science education or entertainment? Stupid menace.
    8) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where. No.
    9) Worst habit? I LOVE to eat.
    10) Best attribute? Loyalty.
    11) What are your favorite hobbies? Reading, especially science and history books, writing poetry, having fun with friends.
    12) Do you have a negative or optimistic attitude? Both - depends on the amount of sleep I've had and what's going on the world.
    13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? If I knew it was you, introduce myself. If I didn't, probably ignore you unless you said something first. I'm very shy around people I don't know.
    14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? My dad informed all 8 of us that we were no longer his children. Then abandoned us. Drunk bastard (sorry).
    15) Best thing to ever happen to you? My daughter Jessica.
    16) Tell me one weird fact about you. I live with my ex-wife. Platonically.
    17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? I'd feed you if you were hungry, offer you a drink, warn you to be nice to the cats, find out what you'd like to do, and we'd do it.
    18) What was your first impression of me? I like the way he thinks. Make sure I don't get him pissed at me.
    19) What scares you? Stupid people, heights (unless in aircraft, then it doesn't bother me).
    20) If you could change one thing about how you are, what would it be? More patient.
    21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Your conscience, then probably end up being your crime partner anyway.
    22) What color eyes do you have? Green.
    23) Ever been arrested? If so, what for? Yes. Once. Let's just say that sometimes two people getting a divorce say and do things that both later regret because one and/or both are pissed at each other. Hence the divorce.
    24) Favorite dessert? Chocolate.
    25) If you won $1000 today, what would you do with it? Pay bills and share with my daughter.
    26) Tell me something you want me to know about you. I played guitar and sang in a rock and roll band.
    27) What's your favorite place to hang out? My apartment.
    28) Do you believe in ghosts? Aliens? Ghosts? Skeptical. Aliens? If you mean little green men visiting us, no. If you mean other life in the universe, yes.
    29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Read or spend time with friends/family.
    30) Do you swear a lot? I try not to, but sometimes nothing else so perfectly expresses my feelings.
    31) Biggest pet peeve? People who never let the facts get in the way of a higher "truth".
    32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
    33) Do you believe in/appreciate romance? Absolutely.
    34) Most unusual place you've had sex. In a car. On the road. With someone else driving.
    35) Do you believe in an afterlife? Yes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so not going to be taking part in this one. I will, however be most happy to crack wise about all of your answers.

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  4. Nathan, I'd be disappointed if you didn't.

    Vince, you wanted to be a weather-guesser as a kid? Heh. What do you do now? If you don't mind me asking?

    Michelle, you and I would get a long great in a elevator - I'd tell you all of my elevator falling down the shaft while everybody screams and the lights go out and then bang! stories.

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  5. OK, as long as you don't snap and kill me because I talk incessantly. :)

    So does jumping at the last minute help?

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  6. According to Mythbusters, Jumping helps not at all.

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  7. I'm so stealing this meme for my blog post tomorrow.

    Because I can't stand another day of "I like monkies."

    Hey, sue me - I'm really tired today.

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  8. Jim, I'm a computer geek - design websites; program, with Access being my speciality, repair computers, do training, etc.

    I've been a computer columnist in the past, and magazine editor, and write occasionally - have published a book, a play, and poetry. The latter has yet to make me a millionaire.

    I have a radio show on the local station Wednesday nights that's also streamed live.

    Nathan, what's the matter? Dominos hell wear you out?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Come on Eileen, well I swear (what he means)
    At this moment, you mean everything
    With you in that dress my thoughts I confess
    Verge on dirty
    Ah come on Eileen

    Oh, sorry. Wrong?

    PRINCE!!!!!!!!

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  10. ::Climbs out the hatch in the roof of the elevator::

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  11. Climbs out the hatch in the roof of the elevator and is eaten by wolves. Elevator wolves. They live on top of New York elevators, and late at night the shafts are filled with their howling. Deep in the skyscraper basements, far from the light, the bottom of the elevator wells are filled with the gnawed and bleached bones of those unwary enough to climb on to the roofs of the elevator cars...

    Vince, well that certainly explains why you fit in so well around here... So, how can I connect to your live streaming radio show?

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  12. Jim, go to www.wely.com, click on the "Listen Live" image, and follow the instructions.

    I'm on until 9 my time, taht's CST.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yes, I'm doing this while on the air. Bad DJ, no biscuit.

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  14. Smoked fish and chokecerry wine.



    Hey! Just heard my name! And the Stonekettle Station pimp. Fucking awesome! Thanks, Vince.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hey, I'm listening too, Vince. with 15 minutes before you go off the air.

    Cool.

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  16. Hey Nathan, you picked a great time to listen - Caribbean tunes, mon. We be groovin' here in the studio. Hang on, I'll gonna pimp you, too.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Yeah, pimp Nathan too!

    And great tunes, Vince, I'm having a blast.

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  18. Heyyyyyy!

    I got pimped too. How fucking cool is that?

    ReplyDelete
  19. 1) Ever been in a relationship lasting over 5 years?

    15 years is my record.


    2) What was one of your dreams growing up?

    To join the Army. Still regret not doing it.

    3) What talent do you wish you had?

    Drawing.

    4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?

    Pertsovka. Neat. Four fingers. Chilled to near-freezing. With a pickle chaser.

    5) Favorite books?
    Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien
    Any later Terry Pratchett
    Anything by H. Beam Piper
    The Road to Serfdom by Hayek
    The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov
    Moscow 2041 by Voinovich
    Principles of Polymer Chemistry by P.J Flory


    6) What was the last book you read?
    The Glory and the Fall of the Ming Dyansty by

    7) Astrology: Menace to science education or entertainment?
    Menace – it degrades people’s natural bullshit filter to even entertain the thought for more than 3 microseconds.

    8) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
    First of all I’m a Confucian. Respect the body your parents gave you. Second, I’m pretty hirsute, body hair-wise. Body hair + piercings? Ick. Third, you do know that kanji tat says “stop woman flow”, right?

    9) Worst habit?
    Cussing when I’m driving.

    10) Best attribute?
    I never forget from whence I came.

    11) What are your favorite hobbies?
    Hiking
    Fishing
    Shooting
    Kickboxing (getting’ too old for that one)
    Reading history
    Speaking foreign languages.

    12) Do you have a negative or optimistic attitude?
    I’m paid to be a bullshit filter, so I’m a realist. Occasional flights of optimism, occasional drops into cynicism.

    13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
    Hope you used deodorant today?

    14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
    Not finishing college before my father died.

    15) Best thing to ever happen to you?
    Meeting my wife and having my kids.

    16) Tell me one weird fact about you.
    I can move my eyes back and forth so fast the whole world becomes a blur. It makes some people motion sick just to watch me.

    17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
    My welcome mat reads: “You’d better have a warrant.”

    18) What was your first impression of me? (Since I swiped this list from Camille Alexa's site, I'll answer her).
    After reading one of your weirder posts on the ‘e’ looking at your profile and thinking “Navy, it figures”.

    19) What scares you?
    Senility.

    20) If you could change one thing about how you are, what would it be?
    More discipline.

    21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
    Conscience.

    22) What color eyes do you have?
    Blue-gray.

    23) Ever been arrested? If so, what for?
    Never in the US. I’ve been detained twice by identified KGB, and once I was given an offer I could not refuse to translate for the Moscow police and personages who did not identify themselves, but whom I assume were KGB.

    24) Favorite dessert?
    Red velvet cake.

    25) If you won $1000 today, what would you do with it?
    By my wife a new camera.

    26) Tell me something you want me to know about you.
    I actually was a competent scientist before joining the Dark Side. I’m a bit defensive about that, actually.

    27) What's your favorite place to hang out?
    The back yard.

    28) Do you believe in ghosts? Aliens?
    I once saw something I thought was a ghost. But I’m a scientist, so I have extreme doubts. Aliens? I believe in extra-terrestrial life, but I don’t believe we’ve been visited.

    29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
    Play with the kids.

    30) Do you swear a lot?
    Too damn much.

    31) Biggest pet peeve?
    16 years later and I’m still cheesed about college students with entitlement complexes. Yes, I was a TA. Yes, if you bugged me about your grade all semester, I sought out your final to grade with an especially loaded red pen. What, you thought Professor Big Shot graded all those finals himself? HAH.

    32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
    Tired. I have 2 kids under 6.

    33) Do you believe in/appreciate romance?
    Let me repeat. I have 2 kids under 6.

    34) Most unusual place you've had sex?
    The statute of limitations is not up on that one.

    35) Do you believe in an afterlife?
    Yes. But as Harper Lee said, some people

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  20. got cut off:

    As Harper Lee said: some people are so worried about the next life that they don't bother to learn how to live in this one.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jim and Natahn - glad you had fun listening. I'll be putting up links to your blogs and a few others, like Janiece's and Tania, when the page for tonight's show is put on Music Outfitter's site (www.musicoutfitters.com, look for the link to the "Off the Beaten Track" page - it has links pages for each show). I'll get that up "approximately was soon as I get around to it", which means in the next couple of days. And yes, I know I'm a week behind.

    John, what a cool welcome mat. I must find one. And I like the Harper Lee quote.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oops. Uh, that would be Nathan.

    ReplyDelete
  23. John, isn't it strange how ignorant people can be about other cultures, yet pretend otherwise. And that's a great site!

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  24. Vince:

    Try this or this.

    Now I'm thinking about getting the one that says "Butter my butt and call me a biscuit, look who's here".

    ReplyDelete
  25. John, yeah, the "Stop Woman Flow" site confirms something I've suspected for a long time - and that's just funny as all hell to me.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thanks, Vince!

    However, I prefer to be pandered rather than pimped. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I hadn't been to Tian's site in a while. This is pretty effing hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I may have to steal the concept of elevator wolves.

    I suppose it wouldn't be useful if I answered the questions but lied pathologically, would it?

    9) Worst habit? Bringing gruesome death to my enemies before they have made peace with their deity, with the unfortunate result that I am constantly plagued by a horde of mewling, dismembered ghosts bent on a revenge they will forever be denied.

    14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? This lottery check is much smaller than I expected.

    16) Tell me one weird fact about you. Although I did not actually invent the internet (contrary to what it says in Kitty Kelley's unauthorized biography, "American Legend"), I was the first person to upload pornography onto Arpanet in 1969, two full years before I was born. Although the image was rather unimpressive (the 80px x 60px 2-bit color render looked like a tiny rectangle full of polka dots, frankly) and took three hours to download, I had 2,231,567 hits on the first day alone.

    ...I could go on, but why?

    :-)

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  29. I could go on, but why?

    You could go on because you're being funny as hell, please continue.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Yes, Eric, please continue!

    Our Dancing Monkey Anne C. is too busy earning a living this week to entertain us, so we need to seek the funny elsewhere.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I stole it from Janiece! Heehee!

    34) Most unusual place you've had sex?
    Maine.
    ????
    I am from Maine...do extrapolate! Inquiring minds! Double dog dare you!

    ReplyDelete
  32. 34) Most unusual place you've had sex?
    Maine.


    Allow me to elaborate, Becca.

    We lived in the small town of Millbridge, in lobster fishing country, north of Ellsworth. This is the exact quote I was greeted with one morning soon after arriving there: "Mornin' der Chummie! Great da' for crabbin', eh?!" And it got much stranger after that.

    Anywhere in Maine is unusual.



    But it's a great place, and we thoroughly enjoyed living there.

    ReplyDelete
  33. You are truly incorrigible!
    :-)

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  34. I am definitely going to take that as a compliment.

    ReplyDelete
  35. No problem, Steve, I meant to flag a link to this post from your site - but I was distracted by the shiny bits of foil and pieces of string.

    ReplyDelete
  36. These are too hilarious! And here I was thinking I couldn't answer some of these, gruesome inlaws and all, and then I saw Eric's approach. Of course, I don't think any mere rip-off artist like me could be quite as funny as his...

    ReplyDelete
  37. Awright, Jim and Janiece, there's 33 more answers up at Giant Midgets now. I suspect you're masochists.

    ReplyDelete

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