Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Super Dooper Extra Special Tuesday. Whee!

I'm not sure, but I think it's an internet law enforced by the blogospherical police that today you have to post about politics. (Blogospherical: like the internet, only more ball shaped. Remember, Kids, you heard it here first.)

Down there in the south (that's you folks, below Canada), things are playing out along fairly predictable lines. In the lower 48, it's politics as usual.

So, to summarize:


Clinton, blah blah, get health care insurance or go to jail. When she preached universal health care as First Lady instead of being a quiet innocuous little housefrau, people hated her pantsuited cast iron guts. If she had just redecorated the Lincoln Bedroom, or maybe started some vacuous feel-good First Lady program (Just Say No to the Uninsured!) she would never have ended up in the middle of that Whitewater Scandal. Twelve years ago people blamed her for her idiot husband's Oval Office dalliances. Now, well, eight years of Bush is making the Clinton years look pretty damned fine indeed. But I've got to wonder if it's the same kind of nostalgia that makes Russians look back now on the Soviet Union with fondness.

Obama, blah blah, look at me - I'm JFK! Teddy and Maria said so! Truthfully, I have a hard time snarking on Obama because I rather like the guy. But, I've got to tell you, it cracks me right up to see the epitome of jowly Old White New England Roman Catholic Money endorsing an African American with Muslim ancestry. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I find humor in the situation.

I do find it vastly encouraging that the two primary Democratic candidates are minorities, and they both have a better than average chance of making it to the White House - more than anything it reaffirms my belief in the rightness of the fundamental principles of this country. It occurs to me though, that both may owe a debt of gratitude to George W. Bush. Seriously, if he hadn't been such a horse's ass of a President, neither Clinton nor Obama might have had a chance. I'd love to see President Clinton or President Obama personally thank him for exactly that in their acceptance speech.


McCain, blah blah, I'm a liberal conservative! (I'm too sexy for my party, too liberal for my Limbaugh, too ... sorry). The white haired frothing conservatives who hated McCain eight years ago now love the man, Rush and Ann The Man exempted of course. Eight years ago service in Vietnam meant exactly jack shit to these people. Eight years ago McCain just didn't have the dynamic charisma and charm of his opponent (warning sarcasm, don't step in it). He wasn't Christian enough. Or something. And so they went off and voted for Georgie Boy. Now suddenly, McCain is a smiling war hero who will win the hearts and minds of Iraq. Color me skeptical here.

Romney, blah blah, I'm in the house that Reagan built! Oh please. The GOP has been eaten alive by the fundie Christian dinosaur hearders. McCain may be too liberal for Rush, but Romney doesn't believe in Jeebus. If they do nominate Romney, well, I would consider that an encouraging sign for the GOP. I wouldn't vote for him, and that's got nothing to do with his religious beliefs, I just don't like his slick and smooth delivery. He's a con man, in the best used car salesman vein.

Huckabee, blah blah, I'm still in the race! Yeah, whatever Huck. Give it up, you're done now.

But, here in Alaska things have taken a more surreal turn.


: Guns, we need more guns! He's amusing from a shear determination standpoint. He's firmly convinced he will take Alaska - and he just might do it. His supporters are out in droves, braving seriously sub-zero temperatures, waving their little signs and grinning like they are on field day from high school (which, if the crowd on the 4-corners in Palmer this morning was any indication, they are). Alaskans have always marched to the beat of a different sled dog musher, and we don't much give a shit what the rest of the country wants. Ron Paul seems to resonate with Alaskans, at least more so than the others.

Wouldn't it be funny if he won? Think about it.

Obama: Holy Shit! I'm Black. I've got teh Muslim in my blood. And now I've got the Kennedy Seal Of Approval. I won't last a week! I'm outta here!

Clinton: Bill! Is that one of my 19-year feminist campaign workers under your desk? Don't try to hide it, I can smell the cigar smoke you bastard! (She suffers an apoplectic stroke, realizes she let her health insurance lapse due to pressing election issues and ends up in the Emergency Room at NY General, where she languishes on a gurney lost in the corridors, trying to keep her fanny from falling out of her little paper gown. Bill makes time with the nurses)

McCain: Ugh! (and dies of natural causes. It was just his time, past it actually).

Romney: My scalp is burning! Holy Moly! My hair jell is alive! (he survives, but is scared for life. And without Perfect Hair he's basically got nothing.)

Huckabee: Whatever.

And Paul wins the White House! He immediately brings home the troops and distributes their weapons to the general population. Armed and newly Libertarian, America is reborn! Health care? Shoot the sick! Works for horses, works for people! Yeehaw, that's how we do it in the Lone Star State! More barbecue for the rest of us! No Child Left Behind? Not if they're armed! An AK-47 and a box of RAC hollow points and who needs an education! Survival of the fittest. Illegal immigrants? Open season, Baby, and screw the limit! No taxes! None. Oh, yeah, it's going to be a great day!

What? It could happen.

Go, vote your conscience. And have a fine Tuesday. I'll be in the shop, listening to Dire Straits and making sawdust.


Update: the minute I pushed the publish button, the WV results came in and Huckabee is the clear winner. Romney is second. And McCain is not even on the chart. Wow. So, what the hell do I know? Not much, apparently.


  1. Pardon me Jim while I do what I do.


    WTF? How do elections/caucuses work in West Virginia. Why do I have visions of 10 guys walking around the state asking everybody who they want. Then they all show up at the office at 2:00pm or whenever it was they finished counting, add up their totals and announce a winner. Who ever heard of election results at 3:00pm?

    And BTW. If you found something you thought was chocolate ice cream in my freezer, you should know that I'm pretty sure I didn't have any chocolate. I'm not sure what that is, but it sure as hell ain't chocolate.

  2. Re: the stuff in the freezer. It's chicken livers, guys, pay attention.

  3. *hasn't actually read this post yet - pulling a Nathan - but at least I'm sort of on topic!*

    Huh. Over on Wikinews, Alaska is shown as one of the states that's holding elections today. Are you sure yours is still a ways off?

  4. Yeah, MWT, we're doing it today. Never said otherwise, I think. The difference being that it's entirely possible that Ron Paul will win here. Which I find amusing.

  5. Hrm. I guess I must be getting confused on which UCF members are so far into the future that their votes don't matter.

  6. Huckabee as president, with Ron Paul as his Veep?

    Canada, here I come!

  7. Yeah, I hear New Zealand is nice. I might move there if things really start going downhill.

  8. In some worst case scenarios, you can count on Alaska starting to talk about secession again - but not w/ a Ron Paul victory. ;)

    The thing that irks me about Paul... ok, one of the many things, cause he's really nutty... is his rabid anti-choice stance. This is because, you know, in all his years as an obstetrician no woman ever actually needed an abortion. In his opinion.

    So I don't think he's gonna arm the women. A both-sides-armed standoff between the abortion factions would be interesting, though! "Hey, we're gonna shoot you to save your baby if you decide to walk into that clinic."


  9. Janiece,

    Toronto feels just like the good-ole U.S. of A (except for the Cuban tourism ads.)

  10. Hey Jim and Tania,

    This woman needs a postcard from Alaska to help her kid win some competition in school.


  11. Nathan, well, I'd have left her a comment, but you have to create an account. I'd have sent her an email, but she doesn't have an email address on her blog site.

    She's on her own, unless she ends up here.

  12. Yeah, I noticed that after I left you the comment. Some people just don't make it easy to do something nice for them.

  13. I'd be happy to help her kid out, but I'd expect her to make it easy for me to contact her.

    Wasn't too amused with her tag line either "making fun of academics, because it's easy."

  14. In her defense, I'm pretty sure she is and academic.

  15. Nathan, in case you missed my response on my site, just for this year, the Republicans decided they were going to get together and have a convention on Super Tuesday. At that convention, a handful of Republicans would decided who half of WV's Republican delegates would go to. The rest of the delegates will be apportioned when the rest of the state votes.

    In May.

    Mind you, this convention started at 8AM (or was it 9) which is why it was over so early. But the thing I'd like you to consider is, just who do you think can take off on a Tuesday to drive to Charleston (the state capital) to attend a convention?

    Let's just say that I have a good idea who was involved, and actively dislike several of them. (I have little to no respect for the Republican party in WV. But I'll refrain from going on about that here.)

  16. Jim, your post raised a major question in my mind as soon as I finished it, one which I'm shocked nobody else has asked:

    Which Dire Straits? I've been listening to Love Over Gold a good bit lately.

  17. Eric, all of them. Every. Damned. One. Including a bootleg live recording from a show they did in Paris in 84. And all of the Mark Knopfler solo albums, including the one cut studio session album from the Shangri La Studio.

    I have them all loaded on my ZEN and have them set to play randomly.

    Favorite Dire Straits: The Alchemy live version of Sultans of Swing, nobody has ever pulled off an ax solo like Knopfler did with that. Favorite solo Album song: What It is or maybe Silver Town Blues.

    I can listen to Knopfler's music day in and day out and never get tired of it.

  18. Very funny comment about the democrats running two minorities!


    If you are referring to Clinton being female, you are wrong about that. On any given day, there are slightly more males than females born. But by age 8, the guys have weeded themselves a bit and the gals outnumber them ever after. Women are the majority.

  19. Women are the majority.

    About 52% of the general population on average, if I remember right.

    However, women are still classed as a minority by the US Government - hence things like 'Minority Owned Business' also include women.

    Hey, I didn't make the stupid rules.

  20. Majority/minority is a dominance thing, not a numbers thing. Women are a minority because they are still at a disadvantage in a lot of places and things they want to do.

  21. Funny stuff, Jim.

    But top this.

    Where's that Oh Yeah dance?

  22. Where's that Oh Yeah dance?

    There is no way I could top that video. No way - frankly I don't have the body for it, or the musical chops, but mostly the body.


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