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Saturday, December 22, 2007

You Know You're In Alaska When...

. . .you know which leaves make good toilet paper.
. . .the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
. . .there is only one store in town, and you can buy both fine wine and dog boots there.
. . .the town buys a Zamboni before a bus.
. . .the major town fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making.
. . .you find -40F a might chilly.
. . .the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
. . .you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.
. . .you can play road hockey on ice skates.
. . .shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
. . .you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
. . .when it warms up to -35F and you go out in your shirt sleeves to wash you car.
. . .when you drive for a mile on square tires on a -65F morning before they eventually become normal.
. . .when you have to put your sun visor down at 3:00 a.m.
. . .all of your relatives refer to you as that crazy person that lives up there.
. . .your kids think that you have to get on a airplane to go on vacation.
. . .you only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
. . .you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit and you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
. . .the mosquitoes have landing lights.
. . .you have more miles on you snowblower than your car.
. . .you have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
. . .driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
. . .you think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
. . .you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
. . .at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
. . .the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
. . .your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
. . .you think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
. . .you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
. . .you take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists.
. . .you know that the term "Break Up" has more to do with the weather than personal relationships.
. . .your monthly phone bill is larger than your house payment.
. . .there is a bottle of Avon's Skin-So-Soft in your tackle box.
. . .you don't know anyone who doesn't own a 4-wheeler.
. . .you have ever taken a trip "outside" and tried to cash a traveler's check, drawn on an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you the current exchange rate in Alaska.
. . .you have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground.
. . .you have ever power washed your car by parking driver's side into the rain in the morning, and passenger side into the rain in the afternoon. (a Dutch Harbor thing)
. . .you have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot of salmon.
. . .you know a honey bucket is really a bucket, but it's not really full of honey. (If you don't know, don't ask)
. . .you know that the Rat Net is not a rodent catching device.
. . .you know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a spasmodic muscle in your neck.
. . .you travel for two days to get outside but none of your family members will travel more than two minutes to visit you.
. . .you learned to swim indoors.
. . .you leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it gets warm enough to take them down it starts getting dark enough to put them up again.
. . .your bedroom windows are covered in aluminum foil.
. . .you had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots.
. . .your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bill.
. . .you know a "white out" has to do with winter conditions not correcting fluid for typos.

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I swear every one of these things are true.

5 comments:

  1. I have some more to add, I'll see if I can find them. I know one has to do with foam on the outhouse seat. Oh, blessed blue foam, preserver of warm bums.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Avon Skin-So-Soft is also well-known among anyone that has to do fieldwork. ;)

    Also: I find it kind of ironic that while Alaska is a foreign country, Canada is really just one big U.S. state...

    ReplyDelete
  3. My my. Didn't someone get inspired last night.

    I was introduced to Skin So Soft while shooting a commercial in Maine during black fly season. I don't know if I think it only made some of them slide off of me or made all the rest stick to me. Either way, I didn't think that much of it.

    Whenever we're on location in some place that doesn't seem to have a lot of film production, the front page of the newspaper always has a picture of the most impressive looking truck...the Honeywagon.

    Snowblower stuck on the roof? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Love that image.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Each spring we place a big order for Avon Skin So Soft. We get the spray, the lotion, and the small tubes that go in our hydropacks for hiking. Avon also makes a version that comes as hand whipes, which is pet safe, and we get enough to last the summer.

    We avoid anything with DEET, plus the Avon stuff contains sun block.

    As to Alaska being a foreign country, well I am regularly asked what language we speak here, what type of money we use, do we live in igloos, is it really dark all the times and is the snow 40ft deep? I answer yes to every thing, less people who want to come to Alaska the better. :)

    And I have used a snowblower on the roof. Electric, but still.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Coloradoans encourage the impression that CO is inhospitable for the same reason. (That's the upside for every well covered blizzard we have here.) From your list, however, we've got nothin' on Alaska.

    PS - While traveling yesterday, I had to pee and the service station's pipes were frozen. I happily went behind a retaining wall and thanked the heavens it was not Alaska and only freezing (I doubt it was below 0 F, even with windchill) so that I didn't freeze my rear off. In fact, the worse part was wading through a knee deep drift to get to the retaining wall. Not prepared for that, in sneakers and jeans.

    ReplyDelete

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