And there it is, finally.
Huckabee has finally come to understand something - God is not going to part the political sea and just let him and his horde of baboon-assed supporters stroll into the Promised Land. There isn't going to be any divine intervention for the man who majored in miracles - turns out he should have studied math after all.
I guess God thinks Huckabee and his friends are as big of assholes as I do.
Anybody else would have figured this out, say about seven months ago - when God stopped returning his phone calls.
Pearly Gates switchboard: "Hello! You've reached Heaven. All of our angelic operators are busy at the moment with other penitents, but your call is important to Him. Please stay on the line, and one of the Host will be with you before the End Times!"
Huck: "Oh, come on!"
Pearly Gates switchboard: "Please continue to hold. If this is an emergency, press 'star' now, and your call will be redirected."
Huck: "Hell yeah this is an emergency. McCain's got a 50 point lead on me."
Pearly Gates switchboard: "Please listen carefully: press '1' to Smite the Sinners, press '2' for Divine Intervention, press '3' if you're having trouble with Pharaohs or other Middle Eastern rulers or if you require assistance with biblical plagues, press '4' to donate to the Creation Science fund, Press '5' for the Tigers to win the World Series, or Press '0' to speak to an Archangel."
Huck: "Tigers win the...? Oh, yeah, like that's gonna happen, get thou behind me, Satan. OK, zero for the operator."
St. Peter: "Hi, thanks for holding. This is Pete, how can I help you?"
Huck: "I thought I was supposed to get an Archangel."
St. Peter: "Sorry, they had a 8AM tee time today with Obama, so I'm filling in. What can I do for you?"
Huck: "Look I need to speak to the big guy."
St. Peter: "He's, uh, out of the office at the moment."
Huck: "Don't give me the runaround! I know he's there. He's everywhere. He's omnipotent!"
St. Peter: "He's potent all right. He's been buying Viagra in bulk from Canada."
St. Peter: "Sorry, that's a little inside joke."
Huck: "Look, you gonna let me talk to him or what?"
St. Peter: "Sorry, he's flooding Bangladesh at the moment. Leave a message, I'll have him call you back."
Huck: "I have been leaving messages, nobody returns my calls!"
St. Peter: "Yeah, you'd think somebody would get a clue by now, wouldn't you? Mote, eye, and all that."
St. Peter: "Nothing. Did you want to leave a message?"
Huck: "Well, what about the Holy Ghost? Is he around?"
St. Peter: "Hmmm, nope. Sorry."
Huck: "Look I'm desperate here! I'll take the kid, is he available?"
St. Peter: "Sorry, Jesus is out of the office at the moment."
Huck: "Where's he at?"
St. Peter: "He's at a Gay Pride parade in San Fransisco this morning. Then he'll probably get a sourdough bread bowl of chowder - loaves and fishes you know. After that, who knows? His schedule is kind of open ended."
Huck: "Well, hell!"
St. Peter: "That I can do, please wait while I connect your call..."
What kills me here is the pundits talking about Huckabee as McCain's running mate. They seem to think that McCain is going to need Huck to pull in the Evangelical vote, since McCain is just a little too liberal for conservative Christians. Hah, you kidding me? Seriously?
Let's just take a look at the alternatives, shall we? We've got a white woman, who sets the conservatives to quaking in their Sunday shoes. They get cold sweats just thinking about Hillary Clinton in the White House. Poor people might get some health care, for crying out loud. And for damned sure we'll all burn in the fires of eternal damnation if we start taking orders from a woman. Or, we've got a black man, which is bad enough, but worse he's a Muslim! OK, he's not really, but he's been around Muslims and conservatives know that Jesus be hating the Islam and Obama's got the stink all over himself. They'd vote for Cannibal Hitler's Head in Jar in order to keep him out of the White House. Then there's Nader, who'll take away our pickup trucks and replace them them with pig-fart 'lectric cars, and replace our BarBEEque with toferky or something equally ungodly. Yeah, get the shotgun, Ma, we're going to Warshington!
You know what will happen if McCain doesn't tap Huck for VP? Nothing. That's what. Not a goddamned thing. Evangelicals will line up to vote for Johnny Boy because he's all they've got left. And they'll do it with an angry little frowns, clutching their bibles tightly, smug in their self-righteous conviction that at least they're keeping a woman and a Muslim and tree-hugging hippy out of the White House.
McCain doesn't need Huckabee - and I'm thinking God doesn't either.