Friday, March 7, 2008

The Truth, it's out there. Way out there.

I get mail.

When I wrote the piece on Chief Warrant Officer Edwin Hill, I got a shitload of it. Mostly complimentary and flattering. Some from folks who actually knew the men I was talking about, or were at Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 and just wanted to talk about it with a fellow Navy man. I enjoyed it.

When I wrote the piece on Malcolm Nance and waterboarding, I got a bunch of it. Some complimentary, some not so much, and a lot of it was incoherent hate mail. This amused me.

When I wrote about immigration and how I responded to the xenophobic asstard of a Scoutmaster, I got mail. Again, some complimentary, some telling me that I need to wake up! This annoyed me, especially the email that was in all caps.

When I put up pictures of some of the artwork I did for my novel, I got mail from a couple of folks who wanted to put the pictures up on their own scifi sites.

I get mail from fellow wood-turners whenever I publish pictures of my bowls.

And sometimes I get something a little, um, different:

From: Ron.[something vaguely Indian/Hindu sounding]@yahoo.com
To: stonekettlestation
Subject: Your Bowls
Mr. Stonekettle (I assuem that you are a Mister, if wrong I
apologize, english is not my first language, though I have lived
here for a long time). I saw pictures of your wood (alaska birch
bowls) on flicker, and I want to tell you that I am amazed
with your skill.
Ah, fan mail - I bask in the glow, though I am disturbed by the phrase 'pictures of your wood...on Flick[e]r'
I am most taken with bowls number 42, 45, 50, the ones
that have the symbols cut in the sides. I was very
excited to see these symbols on your site. These are very
unusual and they caught my eye right away, for reasons
that I will explain in a moment.
Symbols? Oh, the filigree. Sure, OK. He finishes the paragraph with some rambling compliments and a vague reference to my 'muse.'
This leads me to the reason I am writing to you today.
I want to ask you about something you might find disturbing
and even difficult to talk about.
Uh, what now? Surely he's not going to accuse me of stealing his designs or something?
I am an independent researcher in the field of
Cryptosymbolic Analysis...
Crypto-whatis? I was a cryptologist for twenty years, I worked at the National Security Agency, the Mecca of cryptology. Most of my friends are cryptologists. I've never heard of 'Cryptosymbolic Analysis,' but, hey, I haven't heard of a lot of things. Maybe it's one of those weird and obscure areas of language semantics or something.
...specializing in...
Wait for it. Waaaaait for it.

...extraterrestrial communications.
Words, they fail me at this point. However, it does explain why I have never heard of Ron's specialty, I never worked in the ET division.
Please, hear me out!
Oh, you bet. I can't wait to see what comes next. He rambles on for a bit, then gets down to business:
I search the internet for images containing common symbols,
and then compare those symbols to known non-human symbols.
The symbols on your bowls number 45 especially caught my
eye. These are a perfect match for writings taken from a
sight in Soviet Siberia around 1962 (the exact
date is not known for certain, as of the secrecy at the
Well, at least he's using a good scientific research method. You always want to start from a known baseline. But, and here's the real question, what the hell were the ET's doing writing their alien messages on my bowls? I begin to feel uneasy. He explains that there are more than one type of alien visiting Earth and provides URL's to a couple of websites where I can learn more. Then goes on to say:
You yourself might not realize this fact, but you have been in
contact with the Greys. It is most likely that you are an
abductee, maybe you have been "taken" many times without you
even knowing it. This happens to many people. You might have
thought that you were just "making up" the symbols on your wood,
or maybe you thought you "dreamed" it, but that is not the case.
Or maybe you do know it and even welcome your visits to the
Greys (by the way the proper scientific term is "Reticulan
Zetiod" but I use the term "Grey" like most people in my field
of study.) I have seen many of these cases and I know how hard
it might be for you to accept but these symbols have been
implanted in your brain by the Greys. You may even have a
small device placed in your neck (it is microscopic and
can not be detected by our medical technology. The device
"feeds" images to your brain at the unconcious level. This
is the source of the symbols you are making.
Do not be alarmed by this.
Alarmed? No. Amused? A little. Disturbed? Oh, yes, very much so.
Many people are scared by the Greys they are powerful but
I can assure you that my research shows that they have
peaceful intentions towards us and are here to help us before
it is to late now that we have atomic power reactors and
bombs. They are very powerful and are as far above us and
we are above the ants. Could you communicate with an insect?
No. Unless you used symbols the ant could understand
at his own level of technology. That is where I come in.
Oh, good, because I was wondering where Ron came in. I was also wondering why the inmates are given access to the internet or how exactly they manage to type with the straitjacket and all. Also, I wondered about ant technology.
Many abductees are afraid to talk about their experiences
because of the negative side affects. But I want to assure
you that I understand and will listen unjudgemental if you
can bring yourself to talk about it. I would like to
discuss the symbols you are making. I believe they are a
message of peace and maybe even a gift of free energy but
I am unable to translate them without more information.
Perhaps you could send me your bowl forty five so that I
could make a translation. I can not purchase it because
unfortunately I only do this research part time but I
would be glad to give you full credit for your
contribution in my research. Also I wish to show
it to other researchers. Your other bowls forty two
and 50 would be fine too. If this is not acceptable,
I would be glad to return them to you because I understand
that you might be attracted to the symbols without even
knowing why.

Please reply to this email as soon as you can. I understand
if you are "gone" for a few days.
There was more, but I'm guessing you've got the idea now. Unfortunately for Ron, I think I sold #45 to Tom. I don't know if he'd be willing to part with it, even for 'research' purposes. However, I'll say this - if the filigree does contain the secret to free energy, I should probably have charged him more for it.

Also, I'd love to know what Ron does for a living full time, since Cryptowhateverthefuckitwas doesn't seem to pay the bills. However, I don't want to know bad enough to reply - though I did briefly play with the idea of sending him images of my 'symbols' and asking for a 'translation.' But, you know, that just seemed cruel - in a taunting the retard sort of way.

I'm guessing that he didn't trace my Flickr account back to this site (though it wouldn't be hard, all he'd have to do is run a google search on 'Stonekettle Station). It seems fairly obvious that he hasn't been around this site - yet. The email came via my Flickr account - not the account I have listed here. Let's hope it stays that way, shall we?

Yeah, mail, I get it. Sometimes it makes me laugh. Sometimes it scares the shit out of me.


  1. Thank the Grey overbugs that he made no mention of anal probes. You know, the ones that always seem to go along with alien abductions.

    Dang, you totally win the Weird Ass Email, Received award for this quarter. Congratulations. I think.

  2. But maybe they're sexy aliens! Like Dax and 7 of 9!

    That might be nice, yes?

  3. Technically 7 of 9 isn't an alien, but an alien abductee. But T'Pol is an alien! Or, if you want to go classic on us, the green Orion slave girls might suit your fancy.

  4. This comes at a most opportune time. March 20th is The Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day. Are you prepared?

    Should we understand if you're "gone" that day?

  5. And that, my friend, is the answer to the question: "Why is John the Sceintist" anonymous on the 'Net?"

  6. that's ok, John, I have your email address. I forwarded it to Ron. Have fun and you're welcome.


  7. Uhm. Yeah, that was weird. :)

  8. That made my day. Like, when the Greys drop a lollipop and we all gather around licking it...

  9. Yeah, but I admit I sort of want to know what he thinks the bowl says...

  10. This clears up so much.

    I always thought CT's were a weird bunch, and now I know why! You're all alien abductees, expressing the thoughts of the Greys for our edification.

    I'll be shipping your bowls back forthwith so that you might get the translation from Ron. I'll include Beastly's, as well, since you never know where the secret to free, unlimited energy might be hiding. Feel free to keep them, since I want the secret homing device I'm sure is implanted in them to lead to you and not me.

    I, for one, welcome our new Grey Overlords and their woodworking servants.

  11. Oh, and appropriate quote for today, too.

    I have no intention of quiting drinking, even for an alien invasion. Just sayin'.

  12. Yeah, I got this last night, strangely enough while watching ID4 and thought of the of the quote right away.

  13. Your 'new friend's' email is a total hoot!

    What if he translates the symbols on your bowl and they amount to a declaration of war? Or a proposal of marriage? Or an alien dirty joke?

    Whatever they are, you definitely need to keep them around for when the aliens do land in the Mat-Su valley.

  14. See, I knew that all the talk of the government having implanted microchips in us was just otherworldly-induced paranoia to hide the truth. Because the truth is out there. Hiding. Like John. And with good reason.

    Well, my Cap'n Alphabet cereal has just sent me a message that it's time to resume my Schwartz training with Commanderette Zircon. Might even get a little beaming in.

    People of Earth: Later.

  15. Damn Ron Cracked the Code! Though he maaaaayyyyy believe it is a free and sustainable energy it really is the "Grey's" Paving the way for Emperor of the Universe to take his seat before the coming of the "blues" or heaven forbid the "purples" get their candidate on the soap box. They must have recognized your potential and abducted you for preparation. All Hail Emporer "I'm assuming it's Mr." Stonekettle. Can I have your woodshop when you are abducted?

  16. Jim, you're missing a golden opportunity here. Two words: Whitley Streiber.

    I mean, you could parlay this not merely into a set of very pricey bowls, but also bestsellers, movie adaptations, TV spinoffs, lucrative speaking tours, action figures, oven mitts, collectible plates, trading cards, embroidered doilies, comic books, you name it.

    Bowls Of The Gods
    Runes Of The Bowl Gods
    Return Of The Bowl Gods
    Turning: One Family's Story Of Terror And Salvation From Space
    The Bowl Gods Speak
    Bowl Movements: What The Travels Of The Bowl Gods Can Tell You About Life, Love, Family And A Successful Marriage

    ...the lesson is endless. And, per Mr. Streiber, you can have it both ways. That is, you can be coy about whether "your" experiences with these "wise messages from space" that have turned up in your wood carving are actually "real" experiences, "science fiction" fantasies or "what is real and what isn't real is in the heart of the reader and I refuse to make arbitrary distinctions between so-called 'truth' that interfere with the readers' ability to find meaning in my works."

    You're sitting on a gold mine, my friend. Embrace the crazy. Tell everyone you've been hypnotized and you now remember what the greys have done to you and your family and how it's manifested in your art. Okay, you're a little bit late to fully enjoy the alien-abduction craze of the '90s, but there's still some milk in that teat. You might even trigger a resurgence in this time of doubt, when people look elsewhere for meaning in this chaotic world.

    Or go ahead and have some integrity, if that's really what you want instead of being so filthy rich you can wipe your ass with ten dollar bills. Miss this chance of a lifetime. Whatever.

  17. "the lesson is endless"? Even I don't know what that sentence was supposed to mean. My brain was still on "what the bowl gods teach us." Meh. Whatever. Some day I'll learn to proof before I publish.

  18. This is Ron. I can drip the acting, now that I have succeeded in setting up my ruse to get the real original bowl with the symbols of messaging.

    I can not believe that you fall over for my cover story about an old geeky person from Texas who is living in Massachussets and has multiple cats! My friends said no one would ever beleved something as strange as that, but I thought strangenesses in the cover story would distract you from the need to send me the real original bowl with the symbols of messaging. Ha ha ha.

    Since you choose not to believe my e-mail, I have no obligations to yours to share in any of the prophets from my decodeing of the symbols of messaging. If you had believed my e-mail I would have been obliged to cut in you for the half of prophets.

    Within a lot of 60 days, you will see evidence of what your mind was trying to show you, but that you disregarded because of your inability to open yourself to the understandings of the symbols.

    You and you're friends will have a different tune at that time.

    Sincerely, Ron.


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