Monday, November 5, 2007

Things, they are going to change, part 5

As you know, I haven't quite decided what to do with myself now that I've retired from the Navy. With my personality type and weird useless skill set, I'm really only qualified for two jobs: writer or Ultimate Emperor of the Universe. I'm leaning towards Emperor since conquest of the universe is much easier to break into and requires a lot less effort on my part. Also I have to admit that the absolute corruption of absolute power holds a certain attraction.

As such, it is important that people understand what they're getting in their future despotic ruler, namely me. It's important that you understand what aggravates me, otherwise I've got to go through whole process of exiling people to remote and unpleasant corners of the universe every time that they piss me off - which is just more work for me. I've already got a long, long list of people who are going to be spending a dark cold winter at hard labor in the Phledbotinum mines of Pluto, i.e. people who drive too slow in the fast lane, astronomers who think Pluto is not a real planet, every single member of the WalMart Board of Directors along with that irritating bitch who keeps calling for Bob in Sporting Goods over the WalMart store-wide announcing system, Neocon Republicans, Young Earth Creationists, and everybody involved in the cancellation of Firefly.

So, let me add one more thing to the list, namely Christmas.

What is it, the 5th of November? That's like, what, three, maybe four, hundred days until Christmas? (That's in man shopping days, which as you know is different from actual physical calender days. Just go with me on this one) Already I'm seeing Xmas advertising (that's right, I said Xmas, blow it out your ass Bill Donohue, you sanctimonious jowl farm. One peep out of you and you'll be playing prison shower leapfrog on Pluto, bitch).

I don't hate Xmas, really I don't. I like presents, both the getting and the giving, and I really like Christmas cookies and massively overdone power-sucking front yard light displays. I like getting woken up early by my son on Xmas morning, who's all excited and trying not to show it. But, I just utterly goddammed hate Xmas advertising. I hate it. And I just plain detest certain Christmas carols, especially that Little Drummer Boy song (especially the excretable Joan Jett version), I'd like to stuff that drummer kid (and Joan Jett) into his big round percussion instrument and roll it into last minute LA Christmas traffic. However, if there is any Xmas song I find more annoying than Joan Jett's two-pack a day and prison-wine voice, it's that stinking Carol of the Bells piece of shit. Every single time I hear that song it's like listening to a George W Bush speech on human rights, full of halting sentence structures and mispronounced words in that ignorant ten-gallon hat and giant garbage-can lid belt buckle drawl, and I have the nearly overwhelming urge to douse a church choir in gasoline and light them on fire.

So, at the very top of the distressingly long list of things that irritate me are Christmas commercials that incorporate either of those two songs. Once I've assumed an Imperial stranglehold on absolute power, every advertising executive who produces a TV commercial that uses either of those annoyingly idiotic carols will be sent to Pluto. Their sentence will be determined as follows, five years for every time the commercial is played during prime time (prime time determined as the time I am watching TV or even thinking about watching TV). I will also be issuing an Imperial order making it illegal to begin Xmas advertising more than two calender weeks prior to December 25th, period, no exceptions. Additionally, Christmas advertising will be banned completely from children's programming.

Really, enough already. Stop it, and stop it right now. Or else. You've been warned.

Update: Oh yeah, one more thing, Dogs Barking Jingle Bells - that'll earn you a life sentence on Pluto, so don't even think about it.

Things, they are gonna change, Part 4
Things, they are gonna change, Part 3
Things, they are gonna change, Part 2
Things, they are gonna change, Part 1


  1. Drat, I've pulled all the holiday music off of my iPod, I could give you my list of hated Xmas music. I like Carol of the Bells because I had to sing it in choir, so I know all those damn "ding dong ding dong that is their song" bits. Other than that, I find it lyrically painful.

    I want holiday ads that reflect the reality of most modern families - single parents, step-families, inter-racial adoptions, gay couples, etc.

    And no bittersweet/wistfulness from the single parent on the holiday. That's a load of BS.

    Yes, I did have many Hallmark Moment holidays at the grandparent's house, but even so... a bunch of my cousins are technically step-cousins.

    Or, the quiet, intimate holiday at home with a couple without kids or extended family, having a wonderful time.

  2. Jeez, Jim, what a grump you are, although I sympathize with the irritation on the advertising front. Christmas is a secular holiday for me, so there's no smarmy Bill Donahue "keeping Christ in Christmas" objections - I just dislike advertising.

    I like "Carol of the Bells" for the same reason Tania does - it's just incredibly fun to sing in a choir.

    As The Emperor of the Universe's Fleet Commander, though, I would like to request the following Christmas Carols be added to the "banned" list, upon pain of mutilation by the Fleet Marines:

    "Jingle Bells." Especially as sung by those annoying, probably rabid, dogs.

    "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Induces homicide in otherwise stable personalities.

    "Silent Night." The night should remain silent.

    "Oh, Christmas Tree." Makes me want to burn the Christmas Tree to the ground. With extreme prejudice.

    Thanks for your consideration of my suggestions. And lighten up...it's the holidays.


  3. Hey, look you two, I like Christmas carols. At Christmas, which is in DECEMBER not the first week of November.

    But there have to be some standards, otherwise the world will just disintegrate into chaos, and I think we've had just about enough of that already thank you very much.

    1) Christmas albums should come from Bing Crosby, not some heron addled washed up 70's rock star and her band of trick babies.

    2) Christmas music must never be used over and over in advertising jingles. Really.

    And I stand by my loathing of Carol of the Bells, probably because unlike you two I have no, repeat no, musical ability at all.

  4. And Janiece, by no musical ability at all I mean I was the only Slug ordered NOT to sing during Chief's initiation. Master Chief Terry Scott gave me that order personally. Really, it's that bad.

  5. I'm one of those annoying humans who keep Christmas music in my playlist rotation all year round. Because I like it. Especially TSO, who we see every year when they come to town.

    At my initiation, I was also ordered not to sing, but for the opposite reason from you. There was nothing embarrassing or humiliating about it, and I had the annoying habit of keeping the rest of the slugs in key. With harmony during "Anchors Aweigh."

    Don't worry about your lack of musical skillz, Jim - there should be at least one thing you're bad at.

    Equiring minds want to know...what was your costume?

  6. "The Professor" from Gilligan's Island complete with coconut radio. I can see a picture of it on my den wall from where I'm sitting right now.

    And I was neither shy or embarrassed while 'singing' Anchor Aweigh - which is why the Master Chief ordered me to never sing again, ever, under penalty of death. The entire mess had tears in their eyes after my rendition, tears of pain. Bastards.

  7. An OE-82? I assume you were required to maintain proper orientation no matter what the pitch and roll.

    Chiefs, nothing if not sadistically creative. Man, I miss them.

  8. Hate to break it to ya, Jim, but Xmas is more correct than Christmas. X (chi) being the shorthand for Christ (well, XR, but before and after that fad, X was used). And putting the Christ back in Xmas is silly, it being actually St. Steven's Day. And whatever happened to Easter being the major holiday and Xmas being a very minor religious celebration. Ah well.

    I'm also a sucker for Carol of the Bells, because I played it in a handbell choir. Playing that low G one handed will sure separate the men from the boys (one handed because I had to play other bells, I didn't say it was a big choir). Plus, we didn't have those sissy US bells, we had the real Westminster UK, all brass suckers. Ring out your Xmas, you betcha.

    But, yeah. We could stop the ads from before Thanskgiving (after all, Black Friday). And not put up the Xmas Trees until the week before. And do not, do not, do not play your damn cheesy Musak Meria Carry (sp?) Xmal Carols at me, I've got my own.

    I should send you one of my Xmas Remix Albums.

  9. Lahahaha, I'm not listening to you guys. Carol of the Bells is the devil's music. lahahahaha!

    Steve, yeah I'm familiar with the origins of 'X'mas and xtians (or xians depending). What I find funny is that Bill Donohue, the world's bestest Christian, is not.


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