New feature: Ask Stonekettle Station.
I’ve been running the “Search Phrase” bit for a while now.
I mostly do it because it amuses me. But daily I see search phrases that I know the internet just doesn’t have a good answer for. So, as public service I’m going to make answering those queries a formal part of the information services provided by Stonekettle Station. There are a lot of questions out there that Google just can’t answer, but I can.
I will use my vast knowledge, experience, and contacts in the shadowy underbelly of the Intelligence world to bridge those gaps. On each Friday I will provide answers to the most pressing of the world’s queries.
At least one of the answers will be “Your mom.”
Feel free to use me as a Wikipedia reference.
Think of me like an Ann Landers, only more profane and without the 1950’s bouffant hairdo.
You’re Welcome, Internet People.
Query: Do I have to jerk off?
SS: Technically, no. But eventually you’ll explode. Also, you become a danger to those around you, especially farm animals. It’s your life, think about it. There are easier ways to commit suicide.
Query: Is Tom Selleck Gay?
SS: Don’t you wish, Sugarshorts. Tom Selleck is so manly that gay guys go straight just looking at him. Then they get a job in construction, green breaking wild horses, or punching other men in the face for money.
Query: What are some fun things to put up my ass?
SS: A Volkswagan, they’re fun, sporty, and shaped like light bulbs. Rush Limbaugh, he's neither fun nor sporty but he is shaped like a lightbulb and he's used to having his head up his own ass. A live moray eel. A cocked bear trap. Uranus.
Query: things in ass
SS: Is that a question?
Query: stuff in ass
SS: Enough with the ass questions already. Sheesh. No more ass questions.
Query: Pictures of things in ass
SS: Your MOM.
(I warned you, didn’t I?)
Query: How do you spelt siram wrap? [sic]
SS: Tee eye en eff oh eye ell. You can also make hats out of it.
Query: what is a funny reason that a moose would hurt a kid?
SS: Well, there are just so many funny reasons why a moose would go postal on a child. So very many. Come closer, I’ll show you, closer…
Query: clam chowder human embryo
SS: Speaking of a funny reason to have a moose kick your ass…
Thanks for asking folks. Good night and drive safely. Watch out for moose on the road and Tom Selleck in your backseat and remember to check your chowder for unidentified bits.