Friday, May 1, 2009

This Week’s Search Phrase

New feature: Ask Stonekettle Station.

I’ve been running the “Search Phrase” bit for a while now.

I mostly do it because it amuses me. But daily I see search phrases that I know the internet just doesn’t have a good answer for. So, as public service I’m going to make answering those queries a formal part of the information services provided by Stonekettle Station. There are a lot of questions out there that Google just can’t answer, but I can.

I will use my vast knowledge, experience, and contacts in the shadowy underbelly of the Intelligence world to bridge those gaps. On each Friday I will provide answers to the most pressing of the world’s queries.

At least one of the answers will be “Your mom.”

Feel free to use me as a Wikipedia reference.

Think of me like an Ann Landers, only more profane and without the 1950’s bouffant hairdo.

You’re Welcome, Internet People.

________________________Today’s Answers__________________________________

Query: Do I have to jerk off?

SS: Technically, no. But eventually you’ll explode. Also, you become a danger to those around you, especially farm animals. It’s your life, think about it. There are easier ways to commit suicide.

Query: Is Tom Selleck Gay?

SS: Don’t you wish, Sugarshorts. Tom Selleck is so manly that gay guys go straight just looking at him. Then they get a job in construction, green breaking wild horses, or punching other men in the face for money.

Query: What are some fun things to put up my ass?

SS: A Volkswagan, they’re fun, sporty, and shaped like light bulbs. Rush Limbaugh, he's neither fun nor sporty but he is shaped like a lightbulb and he's used to having his head up his own ass. A live moray eel. A cocked bear trap. Uranus.

Query: things in ass

SS: Is that a question?

Query: stuff in ass

SS: Enough with the ass questions already. Sheesh. No more ass questions.

Query: Pictures of things in ass

SS: Your MOM.

(I warned you, didn’t I?)

Query: How do you spelt siram wrap? [sic]

SS: Tee eye en eff oh eye ell. You can also make hats out of it.

Query: what is a funny reason that a moose would hurt a kid?

SS: Well, there are just so many funny reasons why a moose would go postal on a child. So very many. Come closer, I’ll show you, closer…

Query: clam chowder human embryo

SS: Speaking of a funny reason to have a moose kick your ass…


Thanks for asking folks. Good night and drive safely. Watch out for moose on the road and Tom Selleck in your backseat and remember to check your chowder for unidentified bits.


  1. Not for nothing, but I'm pretty sure this post is going to fill you quota for 'interesting' search results.

    Please accept my advance congratulation.

  2. Ahh, you've stumbled onto my nefarious plan, Nathan.

    Ohh shit, I said "nefarious." That'll bring in the conspiracy nuts.

    Ohh double shit, I said "conspiracy."

    and "nuts."

    I'm screwed.

    Oh, crap I can't stop.

  3. So tell me, Jim - what's the REAL RISK of turning up the LARGE HADRON COLLIDER? And what are the scientists trying to HIDE? Won't we all be DESTROYED by BLACK HOLES?

    Who's really in charge of the CONSPIRACY?


    You're welcome.

  4. Thanks, Janiece, that ought to take care of next week's Ask Stonekettle Station.

    Really, thanks for helping out.

  5. Not entirely sure that comments are indexed at the same level as post content because it requires an additional webcrawling step. Vince could probably answer that more authoritatively.

    Still, just in case, when are you going to write again about hot girl-on-girl action, as well as do-it-yourself Viagra alternatives?

  6. In much blog software, comments are often given the attribute of "noindex" so search engines won't be gamed by spammers.

    Some blogs anyway. And in some blog software, if you're a conscientious owner, you can turn off the no-index options. (Sometimes if a spammer is complimentary, I'll leave the comment and just delete all links. Because it amuses me.)

  7. That last one sounds like they were looking for you specifically. (Like they remembered two posts you did, but nothing else.) Weird.

  8. Anne, maybe. I didn't make that connection, but now that you mention it, it could be.

    Definitely a weird combination of words in a search phrase though - I wonder what flags it tripped over at NSA?


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