Tuesday, May 19, 2009

How To Fix The GOP

Republican National Chairman, Michael Steele, has a plan for fixing the Grand Old Party.

Steele gave what his press secretary called “an important speech” today at the monthly Republican Luncheon in Prince George’s County, Maryland.

Why do you care?

Because Steele will be silent no more. He will no longer go quietly into that good night. He will no longer play the lovable buffoon. He intends to retake the reins of power. Hear him roar.

The RNC captain has acknowledged his party’s failings and set forth a plan for plugging the holes, patching the leaks, refloating the hull and setting USS RNC on a course full speed ahead into the shining future of America. He intends to have traitorous Democrats officially branded as Socialists and the filthy liberals walking the plank by 2012.

And such is the strength of his conviction that he just might do it.

Most Americans, conservatives and liberals, don’t expect such leadership from Michael Steele, who of course has been the butt of jokes and suffered ridicule since he first took office as the head of the RNC. In light of today’s speech, it is apparent that this criticism is is unfair, unjust, and unfounded. Steele is a canny and intelligent leader - maybe too intelligent. People simply don’t understand him, and what they don’t understand they ridicule and crack wise about in order to hide their own shortcomings.

See Michael Steele speaks fluent Republican, and non native conservative-speakers have a difficult time understanding his accent. This is a failing on their part or maybe because of the Liberal Press, or the public schools, or the gay agenda – but not Steele’s.

So, as a public service, Stonekettle Station will translate Michael Steele’s comments into plain language so that godless atheists, handwringing liberals, crying homosexuals, American apologists, illegal aliens, socialists, communists, evilutionists, vegitarianists, and other sissy members of the Democratic Party can understand.

I know, I know, but I’ll speak slowly and use small words. If at any time you don’t understand, raise your dainty little hands and we’ll consult the special Stonekettle Station Magic Eight-Ball Jesus.

Term: Monthly Republican Luncheon in Prince George’s County.

Translation: Open bar. Hookers.

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: Ooo! You twist like a girl!

Michael Steele on the ownership of his testicles: The era of apologizing for Republican mistakes of the past is now officially over. It is done.

Translation: His holiness, Rush Limbaugh, accepted my most abject and sincere apology. I will never question him again. I abase myself and crawl on my belly – if that’s OK with you, Mr. Limbaugh, sir.

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: Ow! Stop! I’m just the middleman!

Michael Steele on lessons learned: We have turned the page, we have turned the corner. No more looking in the rearview mirror. From this point forward, we will focus all of our energies on winning the future.

Translation: We’re not changing a damned thing – if that’s OK with you, Mr. Limbaugh, Sir.

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: Ow! Ow! Ow! That’s it! You’re getting hemorrhoids!

Michael Steele on class and dignity: Republicans will continue to criticize the Democrats. But, we will do it unlike the shabby and classless way Democrats took on Bush, Republicans will take on Obama with class and dignity.

Translation: Obama is a Muslim! Obama isn’t an American! Obama hates America! Obama is an Arab! Obama’s brother lives in a shack! Obama consorts with Terrorists! Obama is a communist! Obama’s middle name is Hussein for crying out loud! Those who don’t agree should take a lesson in class and dignity from Rush – if that’s OK with you, Mr. Limbaugh…Sir.

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: I hate to tell you this, but you’re the one person on Earth I don’t love.

Michael Steele on priorities: We need to intensify our party building efforts.

Translation: We’re broke. Please, Mr. Limbaugh, Sir, could we have some money?

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: You call that pain? Try listening to Pat Robertson praying for 20 minutes!

Michael Steele on scapegoats: It's time for us to get our heads out of the clouds and out of the sand and stop moping, and lay out an agenda that looks forward to the future.

Translation: It’s all Colin Powell’s fault!

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: Ow! I’m feeling a little cross right now. Heh, heh. Cross, get it?

Michael Steele on popularity: He's young. He's cool. He's hip ... he's got all the qualities America likes in a celebrity, so of course he's going to be popular.

Translation: This is such bullshit! It’s so unfair! I can be cool! I can be hip! What? I’m sorry, sir, of course you’re still more popular than Jesus, Mr Limbaugh, Sir.

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: Aagh! Don’t make me have to rise from the dead and kick your ass!

Michael Steele demonstrates how math works: Republicans may be the minority party at the moment, but we represent the ideas and concerns of the majority of Americans.

Translation: 2+2=5, or more specifically according to Gallup this morning, Americans are (53% Democrats + 39% Republicans + 5% illegal immigrants + 20% Muslim terrorists + 15% not so good at math) = clear Republican majority. Clear. Isn’t that right, Mr. Limbaugh, Sir.

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: Ow! You can’t handle the truth!

Michael Steele proclaims his mojo: They can contemplate all they want to, but the reality is if they want a figurehead chairman you can have a figurehead chairman, but it won't be Michael Steele.

Translation: If that’s OK with you, Mr. Limbaugh, Sir.

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: You know, if you got laid more often, your wouldn’t be this sadistic!

Michael Steele on friendship: Some of them were supposedly friends that were in some cases, when I was a young state party chairman, were mentors to me and it's kind of eerie to see them standing with their knives bared.

Translation: We need to reach out to republicans who can’t be here today. When are the prison visiting hours again? Which reminds me, please, Mr Limbaugh, Sir, could I have another teabagging? I’ve been bad. So very baaaad…

Magic Eight Ball Jesus responds: You know, you’re one alter boy away from never being heterosexual again!

This concludes today’s public service announcement.

Please stay tuned to Stonekettle Station for more words of wisdom from Michael Steele and Magic Eight Ball Jesus.

Good night and drive safely.


  1. I don't think Michael Steel has actually regained custody of his testicles.

  2. No, but he knows where they are.

    Isn't that right, Mr Limbaugh?

  3. I don't think Michael Steel ever had testicles. Or brains, for that matter.

  4. Sure he did.

    When he was the teabagee.

  5. i like this new Jesus he's edgy and in your face the kids are gonna love him !

    he may even come out with a new testament, i got the perfect title "the chaste and the vengeful babylon slide"

  6. I found Michael Steele's picture next the word "putz" in the dictionary.

    Could the man be any more ineffectual? Seriously...could he?

  7. Mr. Steele is actually quite a good guy. Unfortunately, I don't think he was voted in for his leadership qualities. And now the party of the conservatives are showing their true selves in how they treat their chairman.

    You know, some things some of the Republicans are saying actually scare me. Not in the "woo woo booga booga" scaring way, but in the "You know, if their party actually listened to them, they might win again." But, then again, Sarah Palin has joined one of those "moderate Republican" groups, which just make me laugh.

    But fortunately for the country, those conservatives who hold real power in the party seem to believe that if they just talk Louder and Slower the rest of us will finally get how wonderful they are.

  8. I find it frustrating, because many of the concepts stated in the republican party definition make a lot of sense, more sense then their counterparts in the democratic party to me.. but the leadership and figureheads of the party are so out of touch and bizarre, I wonder how people who stop and analyze what is being said and the motives and concepts behind it, can agree.

  9. Great post! This is just too funny! It should be required reading for all.

    Steele and the republicans are becoming more of a joke everyday. Comedian Dick Cheney just advanced their cause even further with his speech yesterday.

  10. I'm from PG County, so I have to ask this. Is this the Monthly Republican Luncheon of PG County, or just happen to be IN PG County? Because I'm pretty sure that if it was OF PG County then it basically consisted of: Michael Steele, a bunch of dudes in Air Force uniforms from Andrews, and roughly four and a half pasty white crackers from southern PG County who are probably registered Democrats, technically.


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