Sunday, November 4, 2007

Attention Wasilla, Alaska Walmart Shoppers

Update: Attention those of you surfing in from various places, especially those you from the AOL Parenting Forum:

The following is intended as humor, nothing more.

I'm am neither bitter or filled with "Seething Hate," and who I vote for in the upcoming election is my business - and not something you should try to figure out from this post.

Bottom line, folks, it's just a joking look at Wal-Mart. Please take it that way.

If you really want to know what I think about politics, Palin, and the elections - go to the main page and read down through the last two week's posts, you might be surprised, or not, but please don't decide that you've got me all figured out from one silly post about Wal-Mart. - Jim


Yes, the newly remodeled 'Super' Walmart is now open.

Big Fat Hairy Deal.

Look, 'Super' or not, it's just a Walmart. That's it. It's not anything special. It's not Disneyland, or the Taj Mahal, or one of the Seven Wonders. Repeat: It's not anything special or super or amazing. It's just a big-ass building filled with the same old poor-quality, Chinese-made crap - only more so.

You live in Alaska - Alaska is Special, it's Super, it's Amazing. Go the hell outside if you want to be impressed.

Walmart? Walmart, 'super' or not, is just the same old same old. The 'super' bathrooms are still filthy. The 'super' isles are still so packed with pallets of cheap plastic, lead painted crap that you have to be a circus contortionist to get through them (in utter disregard for fire safety laws, better hope you never have to evacuate that 'super' building in a hurry). The 'super' employees are still minimum-waged mouth-breathers, that either spend the day out back smoking or roaming the isles in packs loudly discussing how stupid management is. The 'super' stupid management still wanders the store with their radios turned up so loud that the acoustic energy could induce uranium fission. The 'super' loud announcements from the 'super' front desk never end, and are done by a woman picked especially for her shrill, 'super' annoying voice (and by the way, Bob in Sporting Goods is out back having a smoke, he's not going to pick up the phone, stop calling for him). The 'super' parking lot is still a disaster area obviously designed by some engineer who has never actually driven a car, ever, and in fact may not even know what a car looks like. At least half of the 'super' merchandise isn't in the 'super' database, and has to be looked up manually by the 'super' cashiers, which is incomprehensible considering the number of 'super' shelf stockers blocking the isle with their overloaded carts and wireless inventory control widgets.

Then there's you, the 'super' customer. Do the rest of us a big favor, would you Country Mouse? Get over it. It's just another goddammed Walmart. A couple words of advice. First, I know you're excited and you just can't wait to go blow your entire Alaskan PFD in this Temple of the Modern Age, but for your own sake put on some actual pants before leaving the house. I do not want to see your fat ass packed into a pair of food-stained sweats, or your junk peeking out of that little opening in the front of those pajama bottoms decorated in hot peppers. Seriously, I'm going to start shooting if you people don't put on some fucking pants. Second, it's not Disney Land, there's no need to bring all fifteen of your filthy snot encrusted offspring with you. And if you must bring your curtain climbers, then keep them on a leash, since you obviously can't be bothered to teach them basic manners and controlled behavior. Oh, and bring a bottle for that screaming crib ape you're ignoring, or else I'm going to stuff a rag in it's mouth while you're three isles away pawing through the bargain DVD bin like a bear in the middle of a salmon run. Third, it's not the church social. If you see people you know, wave and keep on moving. Don't stop in the isle with your three carts and fifteen kids and their three carts and their fifteen kids, and starting gushing on about 'isn't the new super-dooper double plus extra good Walmart just amazing and nifty keeno.' Get out of the way. I cannot emphasize this enough. I am an angry, short tempered, impatient man who is pathologically incapable of suffering fools gladly. Get your pajama-clad cottage-cheese ass out of my way, or I will weed you out of the gene pool - I can probably claim Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and get away with it too, so, seriously, you've been warned. And lastly, eat something before you come. I swear to all that is holy, if I have to dodge one more of you cousin-humping, six-toed, cross-eyed retards choking down a McDonald's' extra-super-double-double-sized happy meal, or loudly slurping a triple-shot-half-skim-double-decaf-mocha-lattachino, I am going to unleash the fist of death.

Get your shit, pay the lady, get out. It is that simple, really. And put on some pants.


  1. Jim, I find I'm shocked - shocked - that you would actually patronize a Wal-Mart, Super or not. They're just so evil.

    *slumps off to go see "Across the Universe," heaving a big, disappointed sigh*

  2. Well, see, Janiece. Once Walmart moved in, everybody else went out of business, so I don't have a hell of a lot of options. They're supposedly putting a Target into Wasilla - but that'll be at least a year. I do like Target better than Walmart, mostly just because the isles are so much wider. Kmarts no longer exist in Alaska (which I hated anyway). And the local Fred Meyers isn't any better than Walmart - and more expensive.

    I can not even begin to tell you how much I utterly and absolutely detest Walmart, but like I said for some things I have no other options, unless I want to drive 60 miles into Anchorage.

    What chaps my ass, and continues to utterly amaze me, are the people who think it's something special - because it now has the work "super" above the door. They actually plan their weekends around going to check out the new 'Super' Walmart. They were wandering though the place yesterday with their mouthes hanging open, as if it was the Sistine Chapel. It's a fucking warehouse, get over it!

  3. Amen, brother!

    However, my cottage cheese textured ass and inner thighs are feeling a bit slighted and insulted.

    When WalMart came to Squarebanks you would have thought it was the second coming or something.

    We have a little box store strip over along the Johansen, or as my friend Wendy likes to call that part of town "Anchorage Jr."

  4. Tania, no insult intended, unless you were that 400lb guy in the carhart shirt covered in food stains and the pajama bottoms I was trying to get around this morning. Somehow I doubt that was you though :)

  5. Yeah, Target's a much better option. At least they're a decent corporate citizen.

    I have many retail choices, so I can afford to be choosey. And I am.

    *goes off to make "down with Wal-Mart" signs*

  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  7. S.J. Simon, I don't put up with starfuckery or comment spam. You want to participate in the topic at hand, fine. Behave yourself, or else I'll banish your ass to Pluto.

    You've been warned.

  8. Hey, are we going to get to see a similar commentary on the new Sportsman's Warehouse that just opened in Wasilla?

  9. Well, see I actually know a couple of folks working there. So, maybe I'll be a little more polite about it.

    Haven't been up there yet, either. But I've got to go to Lowes today, and that's right next door, so maybe I'll swing by.

  10. The one up here has a bevy of sweet young things working in it. Now it is possible that they know something about hunting and fishing and such, so far my success has not been good.

    But the girls are awful cute and try very hard to help.

  11. Well, you know, basic marketing - if you can't go for the knowledgeable, go for the cute (cleavage and hot pants help too) especially if you're selling primarily to men. I would think that most female customers would find that strategy irritating. I know I do, not that I have any thing against cute (or cleavage and hot pants) it's just that when I'm looking for something I need, I want the sales help to be more knowledgeable about it than I am - or I want them to leave me alone. Also it irritates me when retailers blatantly try to manipulate men through sexy marketing - and men are in the majority stupid enough to fall for it.

  12. Just testing something here, disregard

  13. You do know that Target is a French owned company and that Walmart is American owned.

  14. You do know that Target is a French owned company and that Walmart is American owned.

    Yeah? So?

    Walmart treats it's employees like crap. It's American employees. And we're not even talking about the way it treats it's suppliers.

    No company that evil deserves ,y money--or anyone else's.

  15. Anon,

    You can save the self-righteous knee-jerk empty bullshit patriotism for somebody else.

    If you're going to make snarky comments here, try to get your facts straight, will you? Otherwise you're just pissing me off.

    Target is an American company, founded in America in 1902 by George Dayton as Dayton's Dry Goods. The company is Headquartered in Minneapolis, Minnesota - that's in America, just in case you are as ignorant of geography as you are of this subject. Target is owned and Operated by Americans, its CEO is an American. It's board of directors are Americans. Its employees are American. And the people who drive the trucks to deliver the products to Target's loading docks are American.

    The false rumor of a French owned Target came from Oprah Winfrey's mispronunciation of the name during a broadcast of her show, and has no basis in fact at all. Ten minutes with a search engine would have told you that, Dumbass. If you're going to be lazy and fucking stupid, do it somewhere else, like, oh say Wal-Mart.

  16. This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time! Unless you're a comedian w/fantastic timing, it's really hard to get me to laugh to the point of tears from just print! I realize this is an old post, but I came across it bc I was searching the internet to see when (or if) Alaska got a Super WalMart. I used to live in AK for a few years and my husband was shocked when I told him they didn't have one until recently. This needs to go back in circulation bc it's funny (and unfortunately true)regarding WalMart in general, regardless of its location


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