Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Mind of a Child

All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.

Well, at least according to Michael Schwartz that is.

Who the hell is Mike Schwartz? Glad you asked, Mike is chief of staff to Senator Tom Coburn (R-Ok). He was talking about pornography at a session called "The New Masculinity,” at the conservative Value Voters Summit in Washington D.C. this weekend.

Mike Swartz is from Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plain). Okies know a thing or two about porn – or at least that’s what the statistics say about good God fearing Midwesterners anyway. They like their porn.

Swartz said:

Pornography is a blight. It is a disaster. It is one of those silent diseases in our society that we haven’t been able to overcome very well. Now, I may be getting politically incorrect here. And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…

Um, say what? This isn’t going to get creepy is it? (We are talking about an ultra conservative republican after all)

But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it.”

Well, sure, nobody wants to fall into the gayness. That stuff is a bitch to get off your shoes (though, as Carol notes in the comments, your shoes will become fabulous).

Schwartz then talked about a friend of his “who had been into the homosexual lifestyle for a long time,” a guy named Jim Johnson (What Swartz was doing befriending a gay Johnson I don’t know. But I can imagine). Anyway, Johnson was a friend who found Jesus, became cured of his “mental disorder,” went straight, and turned an old hotel into a hospice for gay men dying of AIDS.

“One of the things he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark… he said ‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.

Now, think about that.

And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants! You know, that’s a good comment, it’s a good point, and it’s a good thing to teach young people.”

Yep, if a guy looks at pictures of naked women, he’ll turn gay.

And apparently any kid can tell you that.


I hear you making that bawuh? sound you make when you’re confused, but for me, suddenly, Flash! the light dawns.

I understand.

I do.

I mean this certainly explains a few things, doesn’t it?

See, according to Swartz, all porn is gay porn, which makes you gay, and gay is bad because if you tell an eleven year old boy that porn will make him want to move to Fire Island and open a cake decorating business you’ll find that’s the last thing he wants.

And, that, my friends, is a good thing to teach young people.

Can I get an amen?

If a boy looks at pictures of naked women he’ll turn gay. Now, seriously, how do you argue with astounding cognitive ability like that? You can’t, really.

Now I hear you still making that buwah? sound and I know what you’re thinking.

But hang on a minute.  As it turns out, if you follow Swartz’s statement to its logical conclusion, why, it makes perfect sense! It explains everything.

See, 11-year old boys don’t like teh gaii. Conservatives don’t like gays.

11-year old boys generally don’t much like girls either.  Really, go ask one, see what an 11-year old boy has to say about the opposite sex. To an 11-year old boy girls are icky and stupid and nothing but trouble. Girls are like slugs, they probably serve some purpose, but it’s hard to figure out what that could be.

Which pretty much sums up Conservatives’ opinion of women, now doesn’t it?

11-year old boys don’t much like broccoli.

Remember George H. W. Bush? Remember his opinion of broccoli? Coincidence? I used to think so, but after Swartz’s comment I’m seeing the situation in a different light.

11-year old boys like to play army.

You see where this one is going? Guns, Hummers, Iraq. Right. No need to spell it out then.

11-year old boys hate school and think it’s stupid. 11 year old boys have been known to twist a dog’s tail and pull the wings off of flies. 11 year old boys often have hygiene issues and messy closets and a not very well developed sense of right and wrong. They are often childish and selfish and have trouble understanding the consequences of their own actions.

You see it now too, don’t you? The punch line?

Oh, yes, you do.

The GOP platform is based on the logic of an eleven old year old boy.

No, seriously, the Republican Party has based its entire platform on the logic of eleven year old boys.

Holy hell! It finally makes sense!


  1. mmmyes. And that's why we spent eight years behaving exactly like a scared little boy trying to prove to the world that he's bigger and badder than everyone else, and is strongest by standing alone.

  2. "Guns, Hummers, Iraq."

    I'm sorry, you've got a "Gay Thing" in the middle of that testosterone Oreo. Just saying.

    And here we are making the Porn=Gay equation. So, obviously, hummers must also be gay, as it leads to a distinctly internal feeling/direction.

    I guess the whole, "You'll go blind" or "You'll get hairy palms" arguments just aren't working anymore. Not it'll be "You'll go gay."

  3. that should be, "Now it'll be 'You'll go gay.'"

  4. Oh. Right. I do believe you've got it.

    When I saw the article originally, I was incapable of getting past "buwah?". You're a better man that I am. Or, well, you know what I mean.

  5. "Don't Do It! You'll Go Gay!"

    I bet I could make fortune selling that bumper sticker at the next GOP rally.

  6. Jim, I think you've nailed (heheheh) the GOP mindset. Though sometimes I think 11 year old are more mature than the average neocon.

    Well, sure, nobody wants to fall into the gayness. That stuff is a bitch to get off your shoes.

    But your shoes will become fabulous.

    Looking at porn will turn you gay, huh? My ex-boyfriend must be the gayest man on earth.

  7. But your shoes will become fabulous.

    Goddamnit, Carol. I just spit coffee through my nose. And it fucking hurts.

  8. Makes you wonder about going to strip clubs or having affairs -- it can't just be pictures of naked women make you gay. So all those politicos and businessmen ogling all those naked women? Yup. Gay.

    They're going to have to change the name to the Gay Old Party...

    Dr. Phil

  9. Well, you know, Doc, I wonder if it's limited to oogling just naked women.

    Maybe watching a cute girl go past on the sidewalk can make you gay.

    From now on, every time I see a guy look at a woman, I'm going to say, "Whoa, Duuuude, that's so gay!"

  10. I'm sorry about that, Jim. Better than soda, though. I hate carbonation through the nose. It's like snorting fiberglass. Or so I've been told...

  11. Inward, huh?

    Homo does not equal auto.

    You keep using that prefix. I don't think it means what you think it means. :D

  12. Homo does not equal auto.

    No, Homo = scary result of too much porn.

    Try to pay attention, JTS. ;)

  13. I can't believe I had a hard drive full of gay at home. No, I'm not going to delete it or anything. It's just news to me, 's'all.


  14. =heh= This actually made me laugh out loud, for real, before I finished my first cup of coffee this morning.

    Thank you. :) The link is going up on my Facebook stream now.

  15. Eric, certain members of our community have already pointed out that your sofa is chock full o'gay. :D

  16. OK, so I'll go gay. I STILL like looking at naked women.

    If that's the price, I guess I'll just have to pay it.

  17. Aha! I see where they're going now! It's all about stopping socialism! No, really!

    Looking at porn (even straight porn) makes you gay.

    Being gay makes you support gay marriage.

    Gay marriage is a prerequisite for establishing socialism.

    Ergo, looking at porn makes you a socialist, and is therefore un-American because the Constitution explicitly says NO FUCKING WAY ARE WE SOCIALISTS, GO TO RUSSIA AND START A REVOLUTION IN 129 YEARS YOU STINKING PINKOS!

    ::gasp:: "Pinkos"?!? I finally got that! It's not really a reference to being "kinda red" at all, it's a reference to pink being the gayest color in the atheist spectrum (notice that there's no pink in God's rainbow that he made for Noah to show his covenant that he wouldn't kill everybody in a flood next time, though maybe a fire or smothering the Earth in pandas would be okay).





  18. See? Eric totally gets this.



Comments on this blog are moderated. Each will be reviewed before being allowed to post. This may take a while. I don't allow personal attacks, trolling, or obnoxious stupidity. If you post anonymously and hide behind an IP blocker, I'm a lot more likely to consider you a troll. Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.