The Oval Office:
GWB: Gosh darn it! (Shakes the newspaper, sticks out bottom lip)
Dick: What is it, George? (not looking up)
GWB: I told you, I want to be called The Decider! (sticks lip out further)
Dick: Riiiight. What's up? Hillary still in the race? (glancing up) And don't pout like that, it makes you look like a monkey, little Curious George.
GWB: Curious George! I love those books. Did you ever read the one where George goes up into space? That was sooo cool! And he got a medal! (purses his lips to make a monkey face, makes circles with his thumbs and forefingers, then puts them over his eyes like a pair of simian space goggles). How about the one where George tries to do the laundry and the whole house is filled up with soap suds?! (giggles)
Dick: Uh, no.
GWB: You never read Curious George? The words are really easy and there are lots of pictures!
Dick: No, I was more of a Guns & Ammo kid. Anyway, what's the problem?
GWB: Kid? No, I read them now. They're inspirationalating. I like the man in the yellow hat. He's so smart and good at fixing problems, I wonder if he's available? He could help me the way he helps Curious George.
Dick: (sighs, puts down the TOP SECRET folder he's holding, reaches behind his chair and pulls out a large yellow pith helmet, puts it on) Look here, George. It's time I told you a secret. I'm really the man in the yellow hat. You're really Curious George. I found you in Maine, when you were a baby, and brought you home to Texas. Those books are about us.
Curious George: No way!
Dick in the yellow hat: Way.
Curious George: I knew it. I did!
Dick in the yellow hat: Yeah, wow. Look it's a secret so you can't tell anybody. Now, what's the problem? Tell me, and I'll fix it.
Curious George: Nobody likes me! See? (he throws the paper across the office. It lands at Dick's feet. It's USA today. On the front page is a picture)
Dick in the yellow hat: Oh, that. (frowns disapprovingly) Look here, George, I've told you about this before. You need to work on remembering things I teach you. Newspapers sometimes make mistakes.
Curious George: They do?
Dick in the yellow hat: Yes, just like you.
Curious George: But not you?
Dick in the yellow hat: No, of course not. Now, in this case they've obviously printed the graph upside down. See? (turns the paper over and holds it up for Curious George to see). That's so people in China will see it correctly and know how popular you are! Then they won't fuck with us.
Curious George: Ooooh!
Dick in the yellow hat: There's a good little fellow. See you're quite the popular President.
Curious George: I am! I am! (claps hands together)
Dick in the yellow hat: Good, glad we cleared that up (glances towards the folder of 'Interrogation' porn fresh from Gitmo) The man in the yellow hat needs a little quiet time with his pith helmet, George. Why don't you scamper off and play with supreme court appointments or stem cell policy for a while?
Curious George: (still looking at the graph), Uh, how come the numbers are all upside down?
Dick in the yellow hat: (sighs) Look, George, how many times do we have to go over this. You have a funny disease called dyslexia. It's because you have a little monkey brain and sometimes it mixes things up.
Curious George: Oh yeah. I rememberate now.
Dick in the yellow hat: See, this is just like the time you got all upset over the economy. You thought is was going backwards, but...
Curious George: It was really going forward! Just like when I thought people told me there were no weapons of mass demonstrations in Iraqiland! But there are some there, right? Lot's of them! (claps his hands)
Dick in the yellow hat: Right, exactly. See sometimes you get things backwards, or upside down. It's because you did cocaine and jello shooters when you were little. And that's why you have to listen to me and don't make any decisions or speeches without my approval.
Curious George: OK, I'll try to rememberate. Just so I'm clear on this - people really like me?
Dick in the yellow hat: You're as popular as President Truman.
Curious George: Wow! Truman got to vaporate funny looking people. Do you think I'll get to nukeelarate something? I think that would make me really popular, people like fireworks! How about Irania?
Dick in the yellow hat: Hey! Quit fiddling with that. I've told you before, nobody pushes the big red button unless I say so.
But is was too late, George being a curious little monkey had pushed the big red button!
Curious George: Uh Oh! (scampers under his desk)
Next: Curious George and the endless Nukelear Winter!
I really wish I could laugh at that, but it's too close to the truth.ReplyDelete
Well done, Jim.
You make me howl, except that I'm scared shitless, too.ReplyDelete
And I find the Man in the Yellow Hat to be somewhat creepy in the real Curious George books.ReplyDelete