Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Look! Up in the Sky! It’s Super Bestest American!

I swear, you just can’t make this shit up.

I promised myself I wouldn’t write another damned thing about Palin.

It’s not like the silly self involved git isn’t getting enough press already.

And then I saw this:


Yes, it’s a new children’s book by Katharine DeBrecht entitled Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country!

From the author of Help! Mom! Liberals Are Hiding Under My Bed! comes “a hilarious and entertaining way for parents to sit down with their children and teach them the origins of the new Tea Party movement and the importance of standing up for liberty and the American Dream.”

The book tells the tale of two young boys (and a rat, if the picture above is accurate - one presumes he’s a Tea Bagger) who want to set up a swing set business but are stymied by the radicals who have taken over the good old God blessed USA. Follow along with struggling young entrepreneurs Tommy and Lou (and a rat) as they fight radicals, progressives, liberals, Satan, and the Ghost of Ted Kennedy. Along the way they meet “246 czars, onerous regulations, and sky-high taxes.”

Enter Governor Sarah, defender of truth, justice, and little Red White and Blue babies (Well, only white, but hey it sounded good), who helps the boys (and a rat) stand up for freedom. Along the way, she’s attacked by fiendish journalists but manages to fend them off with her razor like wit in time to help Tommy and Lou (and a rat) beat the big meany President Obundus.

In an interview with Foxnews (seriously, who else? Right?) DeBrecht says that she’s not just trying to reach children, "I am trying to let all Americans know that these radicals are killing the American Dream, and I want to stop them from hurting people that produce products and provide jobs.”

DeBrecht then further opines, “We need to let our kids know that it is wrong to spread rumors and lies. Unfortunately, many so-called journalists have basically told children that this is permissible as long as you disagree with someone's opinions.

You know, I think she just might be onto something here. Like Ole’ PT said, there’s a sucker born every minute and they’re lining up twenty deep to kiss Palin’s teabag. I bet DeBrecht could crank out a whole series of these things. Sort of a Harry Potter meets Glenn Beck at a Birther Rally kind of deal.

It’ll be huge.

Help! Mom! Ethnic People Are Stinking Up The White House!

Tommy and Lou join a nice conservative activist organization, now calling themselves Wolfgang and Skullcrusher, they lament the good old days, when men were men and minorities were livestock. Governor Sarah explains that black people come from Africa and therefore aren’t real Americans. The book ends with a discussion of forensic techniques and how they can be ignored when it comes to birth certificates from godless heathen states like Hawaii.

Help! Mom! Queers are Making a Mockery Of My Marriage!

The boys visit some famous TV Evangelical Ministries and Governor Sarah comes along to explain the joys of abstinence only birth control and how Barney Frank makes Jesus cry.

Help! Mom! Political Correctness Is Leeching the Enjoyment Out Of My Bigotry!

Governor Sarah teaches the boys about how those darn oversensitive minorities are ruining America. Wolfgang and Skullcrusher then beat up some gay liberals who they think look like they might have called the Govna’s kid a “retard.”

Help! Mom! Fascist Gun Control Is Ruining My Constitution!

Wolfgang and Skullcrusher join the Michigan Militia and contemplate revolution, only Governor Sarah explains that it’s not really revolution if you’re shooting liberals for Jesus. Governor Sarah gives them some pointers on how to take back America for real Americans. The book ends with a dream sequence, Governor Sarah as Commander In Chief, in Wonder Woman leotard, leading Marines against abortion clinics…

Help! Mom! Lazy Shiftless Poor People Are Stealing My Healthcare!

Governor Sarah teaches the boys how healthcare is a birthright from God for congressmen and those with million dollar book deals. Though unemployed since the collapse of their Aryan Nation Swing Set Company, Wolfgang and Skullcrusher enthusiastically embrace Governor Sarah’s Don’t Get Sick Healthcare Plan. Governor Sarah teaches the boys how to help poor people by shouting “Get a job, Hippies!”

Well, hell, look at that, it turns out you can just make this shit up.


  1. I'd like to get this book as a goof but don't want to give these scumbags my money. It would make a great conversation piece at parties.

    Maybe I should steal it?

  2. No, Chris, don't steal.

    Soon there will be a government program run by radicals who will give you this book for free...

  3. Nick from the O.C.December 8, 2009 at 6:31 AM

    The thing is, it's clear that the author understands the reading level of the intended audience. Small words, big font, lots of pictures = bestseller.

    Avoiding complexity, nuance & intellectualism = bestselller.

    vicar = the little blue pill that makes your aging car's engine perform; if it runs for more than four hours call a doctor right away.

  4. I'm growing tired of the whole political sham of "Okay, now we've painted the other side as doing this (which they really aren't) we can roll out our program which they'll try to lambaste, but we can say we're doing the same thing they did." (In this case, youth indoctrination)

  5. wow

    sorry, I can't think of anything better at the moment.

    you are in good form today!

  6. Why do people still call her Governor Palin? Shouldn't she have lost that title when we quit! Also that book.. wow, is all I can say, and they say liberals are trying to brainwash kids ha.

  7. Well, it is traditional to use one's last title, but that assumes you intend to be in a polite society.

    Dr. Phil

    bultri -- a tricale form of bulgar wheat (just make sure you hide it from the tribbles... and Klingons)

  8. Okay, I give up: who's the guy in drag in the illustration?

  9. Also, what's wrong with his eye?

  10. ...and what are those things in his purse?

    ...and do they come with batteries?

  11. Is that a lipstick speedloader?

    Oh, man - just surreal.
    What's with the redheaded stepchildren?

    ::looks around for Rod Serling::

    captcha word: stool

  12. "Hey, look at the lady with the sex toys!" cried Sleepy The Possum.

    "Oh. My. God," Brandon said. "That's not a lady, Sleepy," he said.

    "She's not?" Sleepy said. Sleepy was confused.

    "That is a man wearing a dress and heels, Sleepy," Brandon said.

    "It is?" Sleepy said.

    "Yes. Ladies don't have stubble," Brandon explained.

    "What about your grandmother?" Sleepy asked.

    "Grandmother Smith has a moustache and we are never supposed to talk about that," Brandon said. "Remember when Dad said we should buy Grandmother Smith a Norelco for Christmas?" he added.

    "That was the Thanksgiving we had to eat off of paper plates!" Sleepy said.

    "Well I think she's dreamy," Tom said. He counted the items in her purse. "One, two, three, four, five," Tom said. "Well, I have one mouth and she could also put one--"

    "Tom!" Brandon interrupted, "That would be a felony and it would make Jesus cry!"

    "You're no fun," Tom said.

    Sleepy jumped up and down. 'I'm fun! I'm fun!" Sleepy shouted. Sleepy loved to play games with the boys.

    "That is also a felony," Brandon said.

  13. Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!
    Help! Mom! Hollywood's in My Hamper
    Help! Mom! The 9th Circuits Nabbed the Nativity

    Real books the same author has written.

    You can't fool all the people all of the time, but if you can fool enough of them you can make a good living.

  14. And yes, I know "Circuits" is supposed to be "Circuit's" as in "Circuit has", but the title doesn't have the apostrophe there.

    And depending where you look on the site and store, sometimes you'll see exclamation points, and sometimes you won't.

    Oh, and the story on DeBrecht on Fox News? Seems that she's "been a frequent guest contributor on Fox News discussing conservative family values, appearing on shows such as The O’Reilly Factor, Fox & Friends, Fox News Live and The Live Desk."

  15. Vince, please tell me you made that shit up. Please.

    Are those books published by Family Research Council?

    craniec = A huge fan of Denny Cranisms

  16. No, unfortunately, Vince did not make those book titles up.

  17. Nick from the O.C.December 8, 2009 at 7:24 PM

    From the author's sample page --

    But then something strange happened. A very smart-looking radical appeared on TV. “Now is the time for hope and change.” Marxus Obundus looked left and right, back and forth. How amazing he was! People swooned, TV reporters fell in love, and drive-thrus were more pleasant! So many people came from miles to hear his voice, they decided to construct a temple in which for him to speak.
    “I’ll never have to work again!” a citizen at the temple gleamed “He’ll pay for my gas, my house and my cheeseburgers! I can sit and watch Dr. Phrill all day!”
    “The tingle up my leg just confirms he is a savior!” a TV host proclaimed.
    Columnists Kathleen Snarker and Peggy Nowsham girlishly dusted off their diaries, giggling with glee.

    Need I add that Marxus has dark skin in the accompanying illustration?

    Also, about that sentence construction? "... in which for him to speak." No. Just end the sentence with a preposition. Seriously.

    readn = what we are doin now

  18. Okay, clearly it's time to go buy half-a-dozen copies of 'Heather Has Two Mommies' and donate them to local libraries.


    clocke- What I'm ignoring while hanging out here.

  19. Does it bother anyone else that two of the characters on the cover aren't even looking at the Palindrone?

    Either the artist has no sense of perspective, or there's something really really neat happening just off to the left of the frame.

  20. ahhh well the Marines would storm abortion clinics if everyone has abortions how can we have lots of fresh babies to eat?


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