Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Dogs Sniff Out Underwear Bombs!

The title of this post was lifted directly from a CNN headline this morning.

Dogs sniff out underwear bombs.

Yes, yes they do.

It’s pretty much instinctual with dogs, the sniffing out of underwear bombs, they don’t need much in the way of training for that. Take my dog for example. This morning when the TV flashed Dick Cheney’s pale corpse-like visage onto my screen along with the comment, “Former VP blasts Obama on Terrorism” my dog began to bark madly. I didn’t need a dog whisperer to tell me she was shouting, “Underwear bomb! Underwear bomb!” when the big turd blossom started to speak.

Cheney was lambasting the President for what the former VP says is a poor response to the failed Christmas day terrorist attack on a Northwest Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Detroit. Cheney wants to know “why doesn’t he [Obama] want to admit we’re at war?” Cheney goes on to say that the President is trying to pretend “that we’re not at war.”

Why doesn’t Obama know we’re at war?

Why doesn’t Obama know we’re at war?

Well, it’s probably because, unlike Dick Cheney, Barack Obama has no military experience. Cheney is an expert on war, he damned well knows one when he sees one. Seriously here folks, you have to give the man his due, you don’t spend the entire Vietnam Conflict working an endless string of draft deferments and not learn something about war – and how to avoid actually serving in one yourself. Dick is also pretty good at hiding in an undisclosed hole in the ground while other people’s kids march off to die in a foreign land and he knows the proper presidential response time to an attempted act of terrorism – after all it only took his adminstration six days to return from vacation and address the nation after Richard “Shoe Bomber” Reid pulled the same half-assed stunt during Bush’s watch. So when Cheney broadsides the President for continuing his vacation and taking two days to address the nation regarding Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s attempted bombing, well, let’s just saying the man knows about underwear bombs.

Or as my dog says, “If it smell like ass, it probably is ass.”

George W. Bush has remained, for the most part, mercifully quiet. But members of his former administation are all waving torches and pitchforks. Karl Rove was on FOXNews yesterday (really, where else would he be? FOX is like the wormy safety of graveyard dirt for that bloodless parasite, he goes there to avoid sunlight), saying much the same thing as Cheney – almost like the two were cribbing off the same cheatsheet. Both conservatives acuse the White House of downplaying terrorism.

And they are not alone.

Good God Fearin’ Representive Peter Hoekstra of Michigan said, “The threat to the United States is real. I think this administration has downplayed it. They need to recognize it, identify it." Hoekstra then proceeded to recognize and identify his biggest threat - a lack of funds in his reelection warchest - and he then used the failed terrorist plot as an opportunity to get out a fundraising email to supporters.

Senator Jim DeMint, a patriot if there ever was one, said, “The president has downplayed terrorism since he took office. He doesn’t use the word anymore.” DeMint, who uses the word “terrorism” in every single sentence – sometimes twice – has a point, if liberals would only use the word more often the country would be safe. Why oh why will liberals not take the easy steps?

GOP members of Congress formed committees to sharply question how the suspected terrorist could have gotten on a plane in the first place – after all the man was black, that should have raised red flags immediately. The GOP also questioned why Obama wasn’t doing more to secure foreign airports in other countries run by people who aren’t actually American citizens. And while Cheney’s comments have drawn sharp criticism from the Left, the GOP praised him - and others like Sarah Palin - for having the courage to speak up.

You know, if only Cheney had run for President, if only President Cheney and his plucky sidekick Sarahcuda were in the White House right now, then we’d see a real proper Patriotic response to this terrorist threat:

Step 1: First, ridicule France.

Step 2: Activate a Cold War Bunker. From 3000 feet deep in the Virginia bedrock, assure the American people that you stand with us and you’re thinking of our children and how we all share the risks of terrorism equally. Wish Americans good luck and offer to pray for them. Remind them to report anybody who appears to have a suspicious crotch to the nearest secret police law enforcement agency – especially if they appear to be lighting their balls on fire. In fact, just to be safe, people should probably report the sighting of any testicle, flaming or otherwise. You just can’t be too careful.

Step 3: Blame gay marriage for the rise in Islamic extremism (flaming balls, hello, do I have to spell it out?).

Step 4: Intelligence points to the terrorist being Nigerian. AH HA! Fucking Nigeria! That’s where yellow cake uranium comes from! Somebody is going to get carpet bombed into the far side of a Planet of the Apes movie – go wake up Moses, er, I mean Charlton Heston (Yes, yes, I know he’s dead, trust me, it won’t make any difference).

Step 5: Order the TSA to ban the wearing of underwear on all international flights and require all black men to remove their testicles and place them on the belt during airport security screenings. One hour before landing, all testicles will have to be secured in the overhead storage bins.  Unusual or Oversized testicles will need to be transported in your checked baggage.

Step 6: Blame Clinton for derailing research into crotch sniffing technology.

Step 7: Sacrifice a CIA agent and invoke the sacred name of Ronald Reagan. Announce new “faith-based” anti-terrorism measures which will put a “Sky Minister” on random flights to help passengers pray in the event of a terrorist hijacking.

Step 8: Rally Americans with stimulating speeches about Patriotism (note the capital “P,” you’re either with us or against us, Pal) and the 2nd Amendment – if that doesn’t work, give them a tax rebate.

Step 9: Ensure that no Faith-based program anti-terrorism funds are used for abortion.

Step 10: Invade Iceland.

Don’t worry about that last step, the war will be over in a month. Guaranteed.

And the Icelanders will cheer us in the streets of Reykjavik.


  1. But if it's all about flaming balls, and I bow to your expertise on that matter, then why do they need to pat down women too?

  2. Well, they're in an airport. Republicans like to pat down people in airports.

    ...Oh, wait, that really doesn't answer your question either, does it?

  3. Since Repubs seem to like patting down male undercover police officers in airports, I'd have to say Phiala's question remains unanswered.


    I'm hoping that a liberal saying "TERRORISM!" three times has made the country safer. As opposed to being like the legend of "Bloody Mary," where saying it three times has just caused Terrorism to materialize out of a mirror or something.

    Which reminds me: why do Republicans keep talking about terrorism like it's a person, place or thing, i.e. something you can declare war on. As opposed to an abstraction, a means to an end. And have they not noticed how well all our other wars on abstractions are doing? We've been at war with drugs since, what, the Nixon administration? Can we not just invade drugs and install a favorable regime in drugs, already? Yeah.

    PUNGL: the unsuccessful follow-up to the party game JENGA, in which players attempt to knock down a small wooden tower with the strength of their farts; withdrawn from shelves in 2003 after a small child's eye was put out while playing, a decision made easier by the game's sporadic-at-very-best sales after Toys'R'Us refused to even carry it.

  4. Jim

    You were not supposed to publish the double secret Republican plan.


    huchalo -What the bridges are on the Huch Parkway, lo, to keep buses with Nigerians off the parkways. Anti-terrorism plan of Robert Moses.

  5. The ten-step republican plan. You are too funny...and, man, do you hit close to the truth!

  6. Well, hell, they put the TSA screener training manual on the internet, I figured what could it hurt to post the GOP war plan?


  7. Step 6: Blame Clinton for derailing research into crotch sniffing technology.

    I CRY BULLSHIT! This is exactly what he and Monica Lewinsky were doing, but since it was a Top Secret Defense Project, he couldn't reveal it during the impeachment process -- National Security, doncha know?

  8. Nice one Nathan! Oh hi King of Suck!

  9. I think that this is something like my third comment on this blog, so you may not have been able to detect it yet, but I am a complete ass hole.
    There are 3 or 4 people that know me that read this blog, can I get a witness?

    When I travel and they make me take off my shoes at the security checkpoint I do this big schtick about wearing clean socks, "thank Xenu that I listened to my mother and am wearing clean socks", etc, you get the picture.

    If I am with my kids they try to pretend like we are not together, the TSA guys/gals smile politely, and one or two of my fellow passengers will smile, the rest want to throttle me. What ever. Don't like it? Tough. Tell TSA to cut the charade.

    But now, NOW they are fucked. Are you kidding me? I am pretty sure that I can decline the automatic body scan, and when I do, they are going to have to check me manually, and as a good American, I will not be wearing underwear. I mean just to make it easy for them, you know "full access". Hell, if you don't let them do a manual check without underwear, then the terrorists have won.

    Oh, its going to be UGLY, I cant WAIT to fly again!!!

  10. you may not have been able to detect it yet, but I am a complete ass hole.

    No, I picked up on that right away.

    You're gonna fit right in around here.

    Welcome to Liberty Hall, you can spit on the mat and call the cat a bastard...but by Xenu, put on some clean underwear.

  11. ok, but on the plane ride over I am going commando...

  12. Eric, you can't invade drugs until after we invade poverty. Please get your priorities straight you silly liberal.

    uldanex = the secret code word TSA will use when PaulC arrives at the TSA checkpoint in all his commando glory. "ULDANEX! ULDANEX!"

  13. Republican theme song concerning the Obama administration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtMV44yoXZ0

    rapsynth - device to automatically generate rap lyrics

  14. I just can't wait to see what happens when the first terrorist takes a page from the drug mules and hides the bomb up their rectum. Cavity Searches for Everybody!

    uncel - 1) your drunk uncle, 2) the opposite of compartmentalization

  15. And Steve, I'll be praying for a misfire on that weapon...

    Dr. Phil

    dister = Oh PERFECT: a disaster without the ass. Usage: The bomber hid the bomb in his rectum, but when it fizzled, it was a just a dister for him. (snicker)

  16. Does anyone know if the bomb this guy had on his dick was even powerful enough to blow up a plane, I have not been able to find that information anywhere?

    Also I don't think it is possible to stop all terrorism, cavity searches, full body scans, they will still get through.

  17. Well the explosive was fairly powerful, and fairly unstable. It's a military grade explosive called Pentaerythritol tetranitrate (PETN). Supposedly he had 80-100grams of the stuff which, depending on a relatively large number of factors, could cause a fairly large explosion. Large enough to breach the pressure hull of the plane and likely cause a catastrophic structural failure.

    However, the PETN was reportedly in power form, making is much less powerful than if it were in a plastic form such as semtex. It's also difficult to detonate without an electrical initiator, Abdulmutallab reportedly tried to use some kind acid or chemical to set off the explosive. Additionally he apparently tried to detonate as the descended on approach to Detroit, the lower pressure differential would reduce the likelihood of catastrophic hull failure.


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