Monday, December 14, 2009

And A Happy Festivus To You!

Got an email and some quizzical direct twitters in response to something I said this morning.

To wit: What in pluperfect hell is “Ookymmas” and why are you wishing people a happy one?  Also, why do all of your followers seem to know about it, but I’ve never heard of it?  Also why are you so damned sexy, it’s unfair to the rest of us.

OK, I might have made that last one up.



Ookymmas, for those of you not in the know, is a new internationally recognized holiday.


Frankly, I am shocked, shocked, that you haven’t heard of it, it’s been the talk of all the media that’s fit to read. Major celebrities, politicians, talking heads, pundits, dads, cads, and small lads are all gushing on about Ookymmas.  Really, where have you been?

Very well, as a public service, I, your humble servant and Ponderous Perambulating Pananjerum of the Ookymmas Parade and Drinking Festival, hereby outline the basic precepts of Ookymmas:

First the name, Ookymmas. It is an ancient word from a lost and mystical language. The language itself is unnamed in English and defies the Google translator because it’s one of those that consist mostly of grunts, click-click noises, and glottal stops.  Ookymmas is one of only two words in this language that is pronounceable in English (the other strangely enough is “teabag”) – it’s sort of the Esperanto of holiday labels.  The word, Ookymmas, is steeped in mystery and strong voodoo magic.

OK, not really. 

It’s just a made up word that sounds really, really funny when you’re saying it in a drunken slur to the police officer who pulled you over for driving without lights, signals, or pants. 

(A note on pronunciation:  The last syllable should be pronounced maaaazzzzzzzzz! Rhymes with Taser)

And let that be your first introduction to the fun that is Okymmass, a day of unbridled consumerism, gleeful silliness, gay abandon, wily trickery, arcane humor, and booze-fueled naked-legged shenanigans.

In a radical departure from other holidays, Ookimmas is not associated with the birth, death, or zombification of any prophet or deity (or the sequel, Son of Deity: The Second Coming). Nor is it in commemoration of any president, potentate, explorer, animal, science fiction writer, disaster, attack, bank, skank, war, bore, woe, ho, smoe, or Holy Joe.  Any attempt to hijack Ookymmas by any person, religion, nation, age group, ethnic group, or fruit loop will be looked upon with extreme disfavor and such attempts will be treated with scorn, sarcasm, ridicule, and the baring of buttocks in the general direction of the offending party. Also, the offending party will be assigned duties as the designated driver and barred from the consumption of fruity alcoholic beverages and easy gratuitous sex for the duration of Ookymmass (the rest of us will be hooking up, you keep your eyes on the road, Buster, also the backseat needs a good steam cleaning).

Ookymaas doesn’t fall on any particular date, rather it may be substituted at will for any other local, state, provincial, federal, or nationally recognized holiday (up to and including Fridays), as many times a year as necessary. It’s not intended to disrespect others’ beliefs, neurosis, hypocrisy, or pet bugaboos – that’s just sort of a free bonus.   For example, whenever a fundamentalist TV evangelist looks out from his multi-billion dollar empire of glass, chrome, and blowjobs to decry the commercialization of little baby Jesus’ birthday – you should immediately declare Ookymmas! and commence some form of generally immoral activity (Drunken sex consummated in the manger display in front of your local Wal-Mart is a good place to start, just saying). 

OokymmaX and the spelling thereof: nobody cares.  Because Ookymmass is a totally made up word and isn’t associated with anybody’s God, gods, nation, relations, adulations, or ablations – nobody cares.  Whenever anyone, anywhere, expresses outrage or puffed up offense at the usage of the abbreviation “Xmas,” Christmas shall be immediately suspended and Ookymmas substituted in its place.  Period and no exceptions.

There are no symbols associated with Ookymast. No crosses, no crescents, no curly eared bunnies.  No drunken goofs in red suits who smell of vomit, bourbon, Marlboros and foodcourt burritos.  No resurrections.  No tinsel. I don’t want to see yards full of cheap inflatable snowmen, Peanuts characters, or the Virgin Mary.  Though I do personally admit a soft spot for that giant Marmaduke balloon they have in the Macy’s Day Parade (it may come in useful in a later step, bear with me).  Mistletoe is acceptable, smooching random strangers is sort of the whole point of Ookymmas to begin with – if you don’t end up with a cold sore, you’re not doing it right.

There is no traditional food associated with Ookymaaz. Nobody has to get up early on Ookymmas to slaughter a ham or a flock of wild cranberries. Nobody has to make soup or defrost an ostrich.  Sleep in. Order out. Get extra and give it to those less fortunate.

No Sermons. Period.  Anybody wearing a robe and a funny hat on Ookymmaas better be headed to a toga party and/or an orgy – especially the clergy.

No nation is allowed to start a war for the duration of Ookymmass (OK, this isn’t an actual rule, but I’d like you to think about it).

No fucking caroling.  The only music associated with Ookymmaass shall be the kind you can dance to.  Anybody even thinks about teaching dogs to bark Ookymaas jingles will be fitted with a pair of headphones plugged into a iPod playing an endless loop of ABBA’s Fernando,  lashed to the aforementioned Giant Marmaduke Balloon and set adrift in the jet stream (see? Told you it would come in useful). Everybody got that?

No trite phrases.  Well, ok, you may use the phrase “don’t be a dick” if you feel it necessary (a perfectly acceptable Ookymmas response to “remember, the ancient midwinter Druid fertility rite is the reason for the season!”).  

Greetings. Whatever. Happy Ookymass! Merry Ookymmass! Live Long and Prosper! Woooo, I’m fucked up, that’s some good eggnog, Grandma! Evening, Officer, what are you doing all the way up here?!  Are all perfectly acceptable Ooky salutations.

Gift giving.  Hell yes.  But, buy yourself a gift first, just a little something. Because you deserve it. Keeping in the spirit of the holiday, I recommend pornography. It’s cheap, widely available, comes in a variety of personal flavors, and you can wear it with anything.

Stores may have Ookymmas sales any damned time they like, the more the better. Done right, Ookymass will singlehandedly kickstart the economy like a set of jumper cables clamped to Paris Hilton’s nipples.  You don’t have to buy anybody a card for Ookymass, but you know it wouldn’t kill you to make the gesture either. Just saying. Cards should be humorous and preferably ones with pictures of naked people in them and some kind of pun.

Outside of that, anything goes.

Basically Folks, Ookymmas is the Calvinball of holidays.

Have fun.


  1. (ahem)

    You forgot about the Librarian.

    Nathan made you a perfectly good Ookymaas poster, and here in your description you DON'T EVEN MENTION THE LIBRARIAN!


    Also, don't call the Librarian a monkey.

    Just saying.

    pesser = how you describe someone who's been celebrating Ookymaas.

  2. Oh, right. Sorry.

    Folks, it's perfectly acceptable to get an annoying librarian blind drunk, take advantage of them (don't forget to take pictures for YouTube), and then afterward dunk them in eggnog, roll them in cracker crumbs, and put them on a train with a one way ticket to the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

    Thanks for reminding me, Michelle.

  3. can ookiemaaaaaaaaaas be observed for the occasion of promotions and awards in the military, and if so, would the prestigeuosness of the award or rank grant certin increasing sexual favors from attractive shipmates?

  4. Sure, why the hell not?

    In fact as future Ultimate Emperor of the Universe, I decree the Order of the Ookymass, it'll be a big sparkly medal made from beer caps and those pasties the table dancers in Norfolk wear.

  5. i don't care what you say. Kreplach soup MUST be served on ookymmas. And Ukeleles really ought to be played...on Ukiemass (Hawaiian spelling).

    (WV: koidic: a really shy ...)

  6. Porn, Paris Hilton's nipples, and cards with pictures of naked people on them... Jim's trying to tell us something, people. I wish you'd all listen.

  7. Oh, hey, kreplatch soup. I haven't made that in a while.

    And I even have some chicken livers in the freezer. Woot. Thanks for reminding me, Nathan. This will be the best Ookymmas ever.

    Also, what Steve said - you should all listen to me.

  8. Ookimmas is not associated with the birth, death, or zombification of any prophet or deity (or the sequel, Son of Deity: The Second Coming).


    Ookymmas is too about the zombification of a prophet or deity! It commemorates the time zombie-Buddha tried to eat Moses' brains on the roots of Yggdrasil. Zombie-Buddha and Moses were then shot by Confucius, the former because he was a zombie (duh) and the latter because once you've been bitten by a zombie you're infected by the zombie virus and will become a zombie yourself. After Confucius shot the man who'd stood as Best Man at his wedding and was like a brother to him, Jesus threw a Molotov cocktail at the corpses and dragged Confucius into his pickup truck, which was being driven by Amaterasu at the time.

    I thought everybody knew that. It's the whole meaning of Ookymaas.

    I guess we're going to have to do the animated special after all. I always feel so flat after I've been a cartoon, but if that's what we all have to do to remind ourselves of the Ookymaas miracle (Confucius only had one shotgun shell, and yet he shot twice), then I'll just have to get drawn out.

  9. OOmmmmBraiinnssssssmmmmmmmmm

    Motings- something you don't get for Ookiemnas, unless of course, you can trade them for booze and/or sex.

  10. I fucking hate zombies.

    ettyin = What you be doin' to the Ookymaas cookies

  11. Well, Michelle, that would be you and Confucius both.

    "stoliste": an enthusiast for a particular brand of Russian vodka.

  12. Christmas has pretty much bit the last couple years, so from now on, I'm celebrating Ookiemass traditions. Which include Star Trek ornaments. That DON'T hang from trees.

    shalvion = Ointment made from the zombiefied body of Sheva.

  13. As long as there can be cookies I'm happy. And pie.

    And copious quantities of alcohol. And hey, while we're at it: can we celebrate by dropping the entire governmental IT staff off a cliff, or at least the ones responsible for implementing the really fucking stupid rules that have cost me many hours of my life?

    We'd need a big cliff.

    I'll bring the cookies.

  14. What an amazing coincidence, Phiala, Ookymaas is a very pie, cookie and booze-heavy holiday.

    * * *

    "SLYCON": an annual convention for clever people; SLYCON 2010 is scheduled to be held at the Schenectady Hilton, April 2nd-4th, 2010, featuring a variety of guests including this years guest-of-honor, security consultant Frank Abagnale, Jr., whose life was made the subject of the Stephen Spielberg film Catch Me If You Can, starring Tom Hanks and Leonardo DiCaprio. Reserved spots are limited, but if you can't talk your way onto the convention guest-of-honor list or convince the folks at the Schenectady Hilton to bump a reservation in order to give you a fully comped room, maybe you shouldn't be attending SLYCON, so don't feel rushed to book your attendance or anything.

  15. Eric, you left out the sacramental dropping-of-people-from-cliffs.

    I'm sure that wasn't intentional.


  16. Phiala,

    Can we include the CA State Legislature in that sacrament? The zombies would gather, looking for brains, and starve.

    gratab- a really, really expensive bar bill.

  17. Phiala: my bad, I apologize for omitting the cliff dropping. Ceremonial defenestration is also permitted if no cliffs are handy.

    * * *


    No, seriously, that's the CAPTCHA I got. I kid you not.

  18. The actual Ookymmas sacrament is the dropping of Librarians from cliffs. Just saying. Thought the CA legislature will do in a pinch. Also, Joe Lieberman. Twice.


    No, seriously, that's the CAPTCHA I got. I kid you not.

    Well, Yeah. Look where you are.

  19. Jim, I'm pretty sure that's backwards: the Librarian drops you from a cliff. I'd prefer to skip that one, if it's all the same to the rest of you.

    Ceremonial defenestration? I can see the allure... although the mental image of a pile of bodies at the bottom of a large cliff does retain that certain appeal.

  20. Love the calvinball reference. I haven't seen one of those in ages, and it's a shame.


Comments on this blog are moderated. Each will be reviewed before being allowed to post. This may take a while. I don't allow personal attacks, trolling, or obnoxious stupidity. If you post anonymously and hide behind an IP blocker, I'm a lot more likely to consider you a troll. Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.