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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Your Spam Will Be Graded

I’ve been mostly offline for two weeks now.

You may or may not have noticed.

My houseguests are now gone.  I spent yesterday catching up on a number of things.  Today, it’s raining and cold and I’m up early.  So, I’ve been spending my morning trying to catch up online. Holy Carp, folks, I can’t believe the amount of lint that’s built up in the Internet’s belly button in just two weeks.

Especially the spam folder.

Here’s an interesting marketing strategy:

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Ah, yes, the powerful allure of buying illicit man medicine from the Blue Screen Of Death!  Buy Viagra from this online site and most of the time it works as advertized … but every once in a while, for no reason at all, your plumbing just locks up and no matter what you do nothing works until you perform a full reboot. “Uh, excuse me a minute, would you, Honey? I think I just had a driver conflict… Damn it! I knew I should have gone with Snow Leopard!”

Stop Woody’s softening!

Wasn’t this the central theme of Toy Story V? Woody’s Midlife Crisis. Buzz gets arrested for mail fraud when he tries to buy black market Viagra from Stinky Pete to help out his friend, Woody, who’s having trouble staying in the saddle with Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl. Hilarious hi-jinks follow.

Take your chance to show off in a bikini

Um, I’m fairly sure I’d get arrested for that. Or propositioned…it is Sunday morning in the ultra conservative MatSu Valley after all. Excuse me, Reverend, does my ass look fat in this thong?  Alternatively, I could wear a bikini to Wal-Mart and end up on that People Of Wal-Mart website. Again.

Be her brutal cave explorer!

Sounds good. Just give me a minute to grab my flashlight and climbing equipment…

Our Watch will look great even on any loser

That’s right, Loser. You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. You can’t get a girl and your one ear is bigger than the other. Buy our stuff.

If you had a gold fish, you would ask for a bigger instrument

When was it exactly that gold fish started granting wishes? Do all gold fish grant wishes, or is it just those weird orange and white speckled ones with the droopy tails?  Frankly, if I had a magic wish granting gold fish I’d be asking for more than a tuba (Tuba, the bigger instrument, try to keep up). For starters, I’d wish for the damned thing to clean its own bowl.  Also, you’d have to wonder what happens when the cats go fishing for the magic gold fish, there’s got to be a YouTube video in that, just saying.

Being hung like a horse is more than possible

What if you really were “hung like a horse?”  No, really, picture it.  I grew up around horses, dude, seriously have you ever seen a stallion’s Johnson? Especially when he’s, uh, excited? I think you’d have some serious trouble with that.  Also, how come it’s only men that wish to be horse like?  Why don’t they ever say, “Ladies, you too can be plumbed like a filly!” Just give me a minute to grab my flashlight and climbing equipment…

You too can be bigger in the pants!

I am bigger in the pants. Two inches around the waist since retirement and my cholesterol is way up. I really don’t need a pill to help with this, I’m doing just fine on my own with pie and ice cream, thanks.

Your pole will be promoted!

Promoted to what? General?  Will I have to salute it and call it sir? Will it lord its promotion over my other organs? 

Kidney: Hey, did you see that you know who got promoted?

Lungs: Yeah, I saw. What a suck up.

Elbow: It’ll probably go to his head.

Colon: That guy is a total dick.

If your old watch is killing you, get a new one

If your old watch is killing you, maybe you should consider getting one that isn’t made out of radioactive plutonium. Just sayin’

Acia Diet, lose weight in the privacy of your own home.

Don’t you hate those people who lose weight in public? Always leaving gobs of fat on the bus seats and doorknobs? I hate that. Why can’t they lose weight at home?

Acai Elite burns your fat with the speed of light!

Um, I don’t think so. See according to Einstein’s theory of special relativity, objects gain mass as they approach the speed of light. You start taking Acai Elite and your fat could become infinite in mass, then you’d implode and become a black hole, swallowing all objects in your vicinity, distorting the very fabric of space time. There’s really no up side to that.

Every woman will keep your great size in memory

Woman 1: Remember that fat bastard in the bikini at Wal-Mart?  The size of that guy!

Woman 2: He was hung like a horse!

Woman 3: He had a great watch, didn’t he?

Woman 4: I sure wish he was my brutal cave explorer…

 

 

Whoosh! and the spam folder is clear again.


Previous commentary on my spam folder is here.

5 comments:

  1. "Your Spam Will Be Graded" sounds like it'd make a great book title. I do admit there's something familiar about it though.

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  2. At least they didn't tell you your watch could be hung like a horse.

    Hung like a horse. Damnit, now I thinking of Blazing Saddles again.

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  3. Perhaps it's just me, but I can never hear the phrase "hung like a horse" without thinking, "they're gonna need a stronger rope and a sturdier gallows."

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