_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Friday, July 17, 2009

Christian Sex and Other Fun From the Spam Folder

Let’s start with a few letters today, shall we?

__________________________________________________________

Dear Serious Wealth Seeker:

[serious wealth seeker? Hmm, who me? I’m rarely seriously about anything these days, certainly not the seeking of wealth. I don’t need to seek it, I know where it is. But wealth and I are traveling two different paths and wealth pretends not to know me. Bastard. Now if this was addressed to Dear Serious Chocolate Chip Cookie Seeker or maybe Dear Serious Seeker of The Lost Bootleg Dire Straits Tapes you might get my attention]

Hello, my name is Lenny Curcio and thank you for visiting this website to learn about my amazing system and how you can earn over $2,000 in as little as 10 days without ever recruiting, joining any MLM's, cash gifting opp’s, matrixes, building downlines, or talking to a single person at all. I've been utilizing this system to make big bucks real fast... so be sure to read every single word on this page... It's that important!

[So, Lenny, you’re saying that somebody will give me money and I don’t have to do anything at all? And I can make big buckets of cash fast? Are you sure you’ve got the right guy? I mean I don’t even work for General Motors or Merrill Lynch]

Trust me...

[Of course I trust you, Lenny. I trust all random unknown people from the Internet who send me unsolicited get-rich-quick schemes via spam]

…after you have read and digested on what is to follow, you too will find your heart pounding and mind racing with sleepless excitement!

[Free money and high blood pressure plus insomnia too? If only an online pharmacy would send me email advertising discount drugs from Central Africa to deal with these medical problems…oh wait]

You'll (once and for all) have the peace-of-mind knowing that your life's money worries will finally be over -- just as that little voice inside of you has always believed.

[Um, Lenny? That little voice inside of me says that he believes I should kill you, dump your body in a vat of weak sulfuric acid to remove your flesh, and make an ashtray from the top of your skull. It’s getting harder and harder to ignore the voice, Lenny. Run, Lenny, run run.]

Or maybe you're just looking for a proven way to easily generate thousands weekly like we do…

[We? So, you hear voices too?]

…then you’ve come to the right place. I've seen an unusual surge in the number of people joining me in this hassle-free business recently... it seems like the worse the economy gets, the more people turn to me for help.

[They also turn to robbery, suicide, booze, palm readers, and internet porn. You’re not really in good company, Lenny, just saying]

I'm going to share with you the exact same secrets to achieving the same results we've achieved. You'll be doing the exact same things that I've been doing each and every day to generate a never-ending stream of cash-flow. And no stone will be left unturned. If you follow my simple instructions exactly, you're going to make money, lots of it... and in 10 days or less!
Go to my website now for ALL the details.

[So, I’ll be doing what you do then? I.e. living in my mom’s basement. Never getting laid. Wearing the same dirty pajamas day in and day out. Stealing identities, committing wire fraud, and playing World of Warcraft instead of having, you know, an actual life? Like that? oooh, sign me up.]

_______________________________________________________________

Unlike the above letter, in Nigeria, Wealth seeks you!

ROBERT MUELLER III

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.

[Well, this seems legit]

ATTENTION:

[uh oh. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with Lenny, that bastard]

We believe this notification meets you in a very good present state of mind and health.

[Well, my blood pressure is a tad high, Bob, and the little voice in my head is telling me to turn Lenny into an arts and crafts project, but other than that I’m good]

We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) And also With the Fedral Ministry of Finance as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.

[Holy Hell! How does the FBI do that? Those guys are everywhere! They know everything! Nobody escapes the Global Intelligence Monitoring Network! Well, except for Osama and Saddam’s WMDs and Wall Street and…]

It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay.

[And here people say the FBI is a bunch of incompetent jackasses, and yet the director still has time to read my email]

Having said all this, we will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with FEDEX SHIPPING HEAD MANAGER OF INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING DEPARTMENT REV EM

[Well, I mean if Bob Mueller III the Executive Director of the Federal Bureau of Intimidation personally vouches for it, I guess it’s OK. Right?]

In addendum, also be informed that we recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria And the State Finance Department, in the person of Prof. Chukwuma Soludo and Mr. Aderemi Babalola on along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim.

[Chukwuma Soludo would be a cool name for an all-girl Puerto Rican hip hop group]

They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the FEDEX SHIPPING COMPANY WHO ARE INCHARGE TO GET YOUR ATM CARD SHIPPED TO YOU.

[Well, yeah. Don’t you hate it when unscrupulous elements try to horn in on your unscrupulous Nigerian Letter scam? I know I do]

We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from OHIO Try to Cliam your fund Package from them and also told them you sent her to collect THE ATM CARD PACKAGE WHICH THE TOTAL IN IT IS $20 MILLION USD AND THIS INCLUDE INTEREST RATE UP TO DATE.

[You really can’t trust people from those big square Midwestern states]

They further informed us that we should warn our dear citizens who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to this irregularities so that they don't fall victim to this ugly circumstance.

[Nothing worse than to fall victim to an ugly circumstance - especially the next morning with a pounding hangover headache and you can’t remember her name or how she got into your bed or why she’s wearing the Mickey Mouse ears or what that really frightened looking sheep is doing in your closet wearing your underpants for a hat. But, I digress]

And should in case you are already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria…

[Well, come to think of it, I have been contacted by a couple of Nigerian widows and a long lost uncle in the Oil Ministry…]

…OR from Fedex Shipping company…

[Oh, shit! I got a package from FedEx this morning!]

…you are further advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest…

[Guess I’ll have to use UPS]

…and then contact immediately the real office of the FEDEX SHIPPING COMAPNY IN CHARGE OF YOUR ATM CARD PACKAGE AND ALL IT BACK UP DOCUMENT SO IT CAN BE SHIPPED TO YOU ONCE THEY RECEIVE YOUR MESSAGE. MY ADVICE TO YOU NOW IS TO CONTACT REV EMMANUEL JOHNSON VIA EMAIL HE IS THE MANAGER OF FEDEX INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING DEPARTMENT WITH THE INFORMATION BELOW AND HE WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO NEXT ON HOW TO GET YOUR ATM CARD PACKAGE SHIPPED TO YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS. CONTACT REV EMMANUEL THROUGH EMAIL FOR MORE INFORMATION ON HOW TO GET YOUR ATM CARD PACKAGE WHICH CONTAIN $20 MILLION USD AND THIS INCLUDE INTEREST RATE UP TO DATE.

FEDEX BUILDING COMPANY

OFFICE ADDRESS: 29 AIRPORT ROAD

VICTORIA ISLAND, LAGOS, NIGERIA

NAME: REV EMMANUEL JOHNSON

EMAIL: [REV_E’s_NIGERIAN_LETTER_SCAM.COM]

[I should probably send my bank account information and social security number too, huh? Just to be safe, is what I’m saying]

NOTE:

In your best interest, any message that doesn't come from the above official email address should not be replied to and should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will advise that you contact the FEDEX OFFICE THROUGH EMAIL immediately with the above email address and request that they attend to your payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly. Ensure you follow all their procedure as may be required by them as that will further help hasten up the whole procedures as regards to the transfer of your fund to you as designated. Also have in mind that the FEDEX INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING DEPARTMENT equally have their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms, so delay could be very dangerous. Once again, we will advise that you contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary informations which they may require from you prior to the release of your fund to you accordingly. All modalities has already been worked out even before you were contacted and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you and the FEDEX INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING DEPARTMENT. Without wasting much time, will want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.Should in case you need any more informations in regards to this notification,feel free to get back to us so that we can brief you more as we are here to guide you during and after this project has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated.Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.

[Well, that certainly sounds very official and FBI-like. (Snark aside, when I worked in military intelligence I actually saw several memos from the FBI that were pretty damned close to this in syntax and grammar. It wasn’t pretty, but it was almost as amusing)]

Best Regards remember Once you contact him keep me update.

[oh, I will, Bob, you can count on it]

Robert S. Mueller III

Federal Bureau of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue,

NW Washington, D.C.

20535-0001, USA

[You know it’s official when it includes the actual address of the J. Edgar Hoover Building]

_____________________________________________________________________________

- Christian Sex Instruction – How to experience Christian Sex

You know, I almost clicked on this one. I mean, seriously, don’t you want to know?

Christian Sex, Step 1: Remember, 1 Man + 1 Woman (This is very important! Don’t become confused! Use the included identification diagrams to ensure proper parts and fit).

Christian Sex, Step 2: Under no circumstance shall you enjoy it. Ever. If you enjoy it, it’s sodomy, and you’ll burn in hell forever.

Christian Sex, Step 3: There’s a reason why it’s called the “Missionary” position, know it, use it. A woman on top is like Satan on top. If it isn’t the missionary position, it’s sodomy, and you’ll burn in hell forever. Remember, Jesus, He's watching you do it and evaluating your technique.

Christian Sex, Step 4: Yell “Jesus” and “Oh God” a lot. At the end, say “Amen.” (Note, do NOT refer to you wife’s bajingo as “The Valley Of Death,” or you’ll likely be fearing some major evil – just sayin’)

Christian Sex, Step 5: Wash you hands. Check for Pregnancy. If you have sex and your wife doesn’t get pregnant, it’s sodomy, and you’ll burn in hell forever.

Christian Sex, Step 6: Repeat once per year as necessary.

Note: Remember St. Peter's Prayer and repeat it often, "Please God, cure her damned headache and let me have some sex tonight."

- Open this attachment, you Jew!

Ah, racist stereotyping as a marketing tool. Brought to you by the same people as the Christian Sex spam, no doubt.

- Give her a real immoral pleasure pounding! Your woman will be shocked by your fang's astonishing progress!

I wonder what happens if you click on the Christian Sex and the Immoral Pleasure Pounding links at the same time? Would it be like matter and anti-matter and the Internet disappears in a blinding flash of total annihilation? Or would you actually induce the End Times, Armageddon and the last battle between good and evil? More likely you’d be magically transported directly into Ted Haggard’s hotel room.

- Your man energy will return to you like a boomerang

Um, now there’s a funny mental image…

- Innovative Anti-Virals. Flush up to 15lbs of waste and toxins from you body in one sitting.

  • Flush out Excess Pounds!
  • Break Up and Remove Harmful Toxins!
  • Have More Energy! Fight Fatigue!
  • Reduce Gas & Boating, while Flattering your Tummy

Reduce Gas and Boating? Well, I guess you don’t want to be flushing out fifteen POUNDs of waste from your body while floating down the river in a canoe now would you? “Hey, thanks for inviting us along on your new boat, Bob. Frrrppppt! Whoa, sorry about that, folks, heh, heh. There’s about fourteen more pounds where that came from! Weeoh! Bean burritos always have that effect on me. Got a mop, ur, swab, Matey?”

- We provide affordable drugs from every illness

Ebola? We got it. Measles? No problem. Swine Flu? Sure!

- Turn your little sparrow into an eagle

I tried looking up a picture of an eagle’s penis on the Internet. Unfortunately all I got was another letter from the FBI saying, “We’re watching you.” However, from what I gather, the eagle, mighty though he may be, has a willie about the size of a stick match. Probably not the best analogy for man enlargement pills.

- Enlarging your male weapon means winning a war

And we were pissed about having to take the small pox and anthrax vaccinations before the Iraq invasion. Try to image the Colonel having this conversation with his troops, “Men, intelligence has determined the reason why the insurgency has gained such a foothold, it’s because you all have little dicks… Settle down, settle down. Nobody knows more about being a big dick than the Pentagon, they have a plan. The medic will be by in a couple of minutes to give you a bottle of pills. You’ll take one every day, boys, for freedom!”

- Thanks to our drugs your manhood will shine once again

"What the hell? It’s like a Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer nightlight! How many of those pills did you take? Back off, Sparky, you're not sticky that thing in me, I don't wanna get electrocuted.

- If watering your instrument doesn’t help it become bigger we know what will help

Fertilizer and new potting soil?

- Add turbines to your meat jet

I, uh, what now?

- Attack you lady harder

Because I don’t have enough restraining orders against me already, right?

- With a big stick you’ll be the king of the beach

Until you run into the Warlord of the Beach, he’s the one with the gun. “You brought a stick to a gun fight? Bawahahahaha! Bang! Who’s the king now, biotch? Here, rub some lotion on my back.”

- Wang Won’t Be Unready!

According to IMDB, this one stars Jackie Chan as Wang.

- Lost your libido and stamina? We would help you look for it!

It’s not under the sofa cushions, maybe you left it in the car?

About this mailing:
You are receiving this e-mail because you subscribed to MSN Featured Offers Microsoft respects your privacy. If you do not wish to receive this MSN Featured Offers e-mail, please click the "Unsubscribe" link below. This will not unsubscribe you from e-mail communications.

__________________________________________________________

More From the Spam Folder here, and Your Spam Will Be Graded.

13 comments:

  1. THE ATM CARD PACKAGE WHICH THE TOTAL IN IT IS $20 MILLION USD AND THIS INCLUDE INTEREST RATE UP TO DATE.

    You know, my ATM card with my Credit Union has a daily limit. Looks like the FBI got the Feds to relax those rules for Nigerians.

    Those FBI dudes - is there nothing they can't do with their turbine-enhanced meat-jets?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Christian Sex, Step 1: Remember, 1 Man + 1 Woman (This is very important! Don’t become confused! Use the included identification diagrams to ensure proper parts and fit).

    Um, right-o, the diagrams have a big X over teh naughty bits so, as a God fearing Christian, U will not be offended by the sight of the human body.

    Step 2: Under no circumstance shall you enjoy it. Ever. If you enjoy it, it’s sodomy, and you’ll burn in hell forever.

    Um, geez, all this time I thought sodomy was the opposite of the missionary position. Wait, where's your X?

    You know the rules, the parts have to fit.

    We don't need no stinkin' rules!!

    Oh, the hell with the rules. I just want to get laid!!!

    Why don't we get drunk and screw? And yes, since you asked -
    I'm going straight to hell, just like my momma said I would!!

    WendyB_09

    ReplyDelete
  3. All in favor of voting Wendy "most popular" say Aye.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why, thank you Jim.

    Not bad for a nights's work when you can quote spammage, Jimmy Buffett and Drivin' & Cryin' in the same response and get voted Miss Popularity!!

    WooHoo!! Barkeep, shots all around!

    WendyB_09

    Both songs, btw, are on my ipod and played regularly...

    ReplyDelete
  5. At the moment I'm listening to Big Head Todd and the Monsters. Seemed appropriate.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Just remember, if it lasts more than four hours it's a timing problem, not a medical one...

    WHAT???

    WendyB_09

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's supposed to last less than four hours? Are you sure?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jim,

    Ohio isn't a square state. It's kinda saggy in the middle (both top and bottom).

    Ohio's new state motto: The Flaccid State!

    ReplyDelete
  9. There's a cure for the flaccid state, Nathan, at least according to the email I get.

    ReplyDelete
  10. In NY we pronouce Ohio iowa

    ReplyDelete
  11. Steve and I probably resent that comment about the Midwest, but we're too cool to get hyper about fictional Buckeyes.

    Cassie, from the Midwest Swing State, which considering the rest of this post, takes on a whole new meaning

    ReplyDelete
  12. Just be glad you're not from Texas, Cassie ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. "You really can’t trust people from those big square Midwestern states"

    Hey now. Me and Cassie don't want to get all soybean and corn crazy at you.

    ReplyDelete

Comments on this blog are moderated. Each will be reviewed before being allowed to post. This may take a while. I don't allow personal attacks, trolling, or obnoxious stupidity. If you post anonymously and hide behind an IP blocker, I'm a lot more likely to consider you a troll. Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.