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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Ask Stonekettle Station

(Swear to God, this is the actual search phrase)

“What is the meaning of a dead burning moose?”

You have offended the Alaskan Mafia.

Be wary of men in parkas and bunny boots and avoid Sarah Palin at all costs. Do not eat canned salmon or bald eagle meat. Watch out for grizzly bears.  Enter the witness protection program immediately or move to some place really hot, like Iraq.

Good luck.

15 comments:

  1. It means that fucking squirrel is next?

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  2. Moose and squirrel, moose and squirrel, it always comes down to moose and squirrel.

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  3. OK. What is the meaning of a LIVE burning moose?

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  4. Whaaa??

    Maybe they should enter the witless protection program...

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  5. nzforme, I don't know about live burning moose, but I once saw a burning walrus.

    Falling from the sky.

    In pieces of flaming blubber.

    Damnest thing ever.

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  6. High explosive ordinance can have that effect.

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  7. nzforme, if you see a live burning moose, freeze. Back away slowly. Try to stifle the nightmare of fear that's crawling like a spider up your throat--The Hellmoose smells fear, feeds on terror, gorges itself on fright. When you're out of its line of sight, run. Crossing running water can--

    I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't keep on with this. I'm lying to you.

    There's no escaping The Hellmoose. Once you've seen it, you're doomed. There is no hope. I'm sorry. I'll light a candle for your poor damned soul.

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  8. Anyone that finds a moose to be "hot", dead or alive, is not someone I want to hang around.

    Just sayin.

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  9. It depends.

    Does the moose have a head? Did you awaken to find the moose head in bed with you? If both of the above are true, Jim is correct and you have been tagged by the Alaskan Mafia.

    If however, you are outside, and the burning moose is surrounded by a circle of live (non-burning) moose, then what you are seeing is the annual moose sacrifice. This is actually a rarely seen event, and you should consider yourself lucky.

    Every year the moose have a lottery. For a year, the selected moose is king over all the land, treated like royalty, and in commend of the land and all the creatures therein.

    At the end of that year, however, the king moose is placed upon the sacrificial alter, and burned. (Moose use a combination of kindling and lightening rods to achieve this.) If the moose was a good ruler, his heart is cut out prior to the sacrifice. If he was not a good rule, he is burned alive.

    Then the ruler for the next year is selected, and the cycle continues.

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  10. Maybe it's not really a dead moose.
    Maybe it's a zombie moose being burnt to crispy destruction!

    which reminds me...there is a Zombie Parade here through Oakland Cemetary on Sunday. What?

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  11. Following up on what Michelle was saying, losing the Moose lottery can actually be considered very traumatic.

    There's some evidence that the yearling that bashed it's own (nonexistent) antlers into its own head at Jim's kid's school a while ago was distraught over not even qualifying for the ballot.

    Moosicide. D'oh!

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  12. Is a dead frozen moose a moosicle?

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  13. Only if it has a stick up it's.....

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  14. The Wicker Moose is one of the most terrifying movies I've ever seen. I had nightmares for weeks, weeks, I tells you.

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