What would life be without a little mystery?
Not science, that’s for sure.
That question didn’t even make the top ten. See, LiveScience lists what the boys in coke bottle glasses consider the top ten greatest mysteries in science. And as I read through the list, something occurred to me – scientists really need to get out more often.
Seriously folks, I knew the answers to all of these so-called stumpers:
- What drives evolution?
Stupidity. Evolution is a natural process for weeding stupid people out of the gene pool. Do you see anybody poking a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a pointy stick nowadays? No, you do not. All of those giggling idiots got recycled into the ecosystem as dinosaur crap a long, long time ago. Of course, without stupid stick poking people, eventually the T-Rexes starved to death, and we had to start all over.
- What happens inside an earthquake?
Apparently anybody can be a scientist. What happens inside an earthquake? Well, there’s a whole lotta shakin going on in there. Hell, even Jerry Lee Lewis knew that, and he was from Louisiana.
- Who are you? I.e. what is the nature of consciousness?
Science Dudes, seriously, how stoned are you right now?
- How did life arise on Earth
Not one of you watched the Battlestar Galactica Finale I take it?
- How does the brain work?
Beer + Boobies, mostly. Well, that’s how my brain works anyway.
- Where is the rest of the universe?
Did you look under the sofa cushions? That’s where it was the last time.
- What causes gravity?
Pillows. Seriously, there are some mornings where the gravity is so strong, I really don’t think I have the strength to lift my head off the pillow. The gravitational attraction of pillows is an invisible force that reaches right through other objects – for example, the couch pillows are pulling at me right now with an almost irresistible tidal attraction. The force has already fastened both cats securely to the couch. You can’t fight gravity, folks, don’t even try.
- Is there a theory of everything?
Yes, Buttermilk. Honestly, how many times do I have to go over this?
- Does alien life exist?
Actually it’s here, right now, watching us, cleverly disguised as William Shatner’s hair.
- How did the universe begin?
If I have to explain it to you, you’ll never understand the answer. Let’s just say that it involves Jennifer Love Hewitt, a vat of lime jelly, and a rip in space-time and let it go at that, shall we?
Now seriously, folks, this was the best scientists could do? This list?
How about some tough questions? How about questions science can’t answer?
Who the hell buys a Honda Element on purpose? No, really.
Does anybody, anywhere, think Ben Stiller is funny – besides Ben’s mom?
What is Tofu and why would you put it in your mouth?
If you are an attractive busty blonde, is it even possible that you won’t get tapped for the TSA’s new full-body X-ray vision machine?
Why is Keith Richards not dead?
Will George R.R. Martin finish the Song of Fire and Ice before the Earth is frozen solid by the heat death of the universe?
Why are Pop Tarts so bad… and yet so very, very good?
Why can’t California drivers comprehend the basic concept of “Left Lane Fast, Right Lane Slow?”
Could Rush Limbaugh be a bigger asshole?
Why oh why doesn’t Hollywood make more movies with Kate Beckinsale in tight black vinyl and fangs?