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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Mystery of Science

What would life be without a little mystery?

Who cares?

Really?

Not science, that’s for sure.

That question didn’t even make the top ten.  See, LiveScience lists what the boys in coke bottle glasses consider the top ten greatest mysteries in science.  And as I read through the list, something occurred to me – scientists really need to get out more often. 

Seriously folks, I knew the answers to all of these so-called stumpers:

- What drives evolution?

Stupidity.  Evolution is a natural process for weeding stupid people out of the gene pool.  Do you see anybody poking a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a pointy stick nowadays? No, you do not. All of those giggling idiots got recycled into the ecosystem as dinosaur crap a long, long time ago. Of course, without stupid stick poking people, eventually the T-Rexes starved to death, and we had to start all over. 

- What happens inside an earthquake?

Apparently anybody can be a scientist.  What happens inside an earthquake? Well, there’s a whole lotta shakin going on in there. Hell, even Jerry Lee Lewis knew that, and he was from Louisiana.

- Who are you? I.e. what is the nature of consciousness?

Science Dudes, seriously, how stoned are you right now?

- How did life arise on Earth

Not one of you watched the Battlestar Galactica Finale I take it?

- How does the brain work?

Beer + Boobies, mostly. Well, that’s how my brain works anyway.

- Where is the rest of the universe?

Did you look under the sofa cushions?  That’s where it was the last time.

- What causes gravity?

Pillows. Seriously, there are some mornings where the gravity is so strong, I really don’t think I have the strength to lift my head off the pillow.  The gravitational attraction of pillows is an invisible force that reaches right through other objects – for example, the couch pillows are pulling at me right now with an almost irresistible tidal attraction.  The force has already fastened both cats securely to the couch. You can’t fight gravity, folks, don’t even try.

- Is there a theory of everything?

Yes, Buttermilk. Honestly, how many times do I have to go over this?

- Does alien life exist?

Actually it’s here, right now, watching us, cleverly disguised as William Shatner’s hair.

- How did the universe begin?

If I have to explain it to you, you’ll never understand the answer.  Let’s just say that it involves Jennifer Love Hewitt, a vat of lime jelly, and a rip in space-time and let it go at that, shall we?

 

Now seriously, folks, this was the best scientists could do? This list? 

How about some tough questions? How about questions science can’t answer?

Questions like:

Who the hell buys a Honda Element on purpose? No, really.

Does anybody, anywhere, think Ben Stiller is funny – besides Ben’s mom?

What is Tofu and why would you put it in your mouth?

If you are an attractive busty blonde, is it even possible that you won’t get tapped for the TSA’s new full-body X-ray vision machine?

Why is Keith Richards not dead?

Will George R.R. Martin finish the Song of Fire and Ice before the Earth is frozen solid by the heat death of the universe?

Why are Pop Tarts so bad… and yet so very, very good?

Why can’t California drivers comprehend the basic concept of “Left Lane Fast, Right Lane Slow?”

Could Rush Limbaugh be a bigger asshole?

Why oh why doesn’t Hollywood make more movies with Kate Beckinsale in tight black vinyl and fangs?

25 comments:

  1. I'm no sure about the answers to most of those, but...

    Could Rush Limbaugh be a bigger asshole?Yes. He's actually been coasting for the last few years.

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  2. Jim, I'm glad you asked those questions. Because I, personally, have many of the answers. Yes I do. And I don't need no stinkin' blasphemous 8-ball thingy to answer my questions. So there.

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  3. Oh, and no, I won't tell you. Unless you pay me.

    New business, you know. "Answers 'R' Us."

    Except the stupid keyboard won't do a reverse backwards "R".

    No question too stupid, no fee too big.

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  4. Does anybody, anywhere, think Ben Stiller is funny – besides Ben’s mom?

    No.

    If you are an attractive busty blonde, is it even possible that you won’t get tapped for the TSA’s new full-body X-ray vision machine?

    No.

    Why is Keith Richards not dead?

    Chemical preservatives.


    Why are Pop Tarts so bad… and yet so very, very good?

    Pop tarts are icky. There is no good.


    Could Rush Limbaugh be a bigger asshole?

    Yes. He could be Bill O'Reiley.


    Why oh why doesn’t Hollywood make more movies with Kate Beckinsale in tight black vinyl and fangs?

    Because you didn't shell out enough for the action figures.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Blasphemous 8-ball thingy does not approve of your attitude, Vince.

    Michelle, true, but I bought the blow up doll, what the hell do they want?

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  6. Oh, alright. One free answer, just as a teaser.

    "What is Tofu and why would you put it in your mouth?"

    Tofu is a fermented mixture of cardboard toilet paper roles just before your run out of toilet paper and cereal box tops. You would put it in your mouth because there was a gun pointed at your head.

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  7. Tofu is a fermented mixture of cardboard toilet paper roles just before your run out of toilet paper and cereal box tops. You would put it in your mouth because there was a gun pointed at your head.

    I knew it!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well, since you aksed...

    Q- Who the hell buys a Honda Element on purpose?
    A- dunno...did see one this morning while waiting for the bus. I see if I can flag it down next time and ask.

    Q- Does anybody, anywhere, think Ben Stiller is funny – besides Ben’s mom?
    A- Absolutely freaken NOT!

    Q- What is Tofu and why would you put it in your mouth?
    A- You really don't want to know.

    Q- If you are an attractive busty blonde, is it even possible that you won’t get tapped for the TSA’s new full-body X-ray vision machine?
    A- I suspect most women with large tracts of land will get selected. Talk about profiling...

    Q- Why is Keith Richards not dead?
    A- Formaldahyde, he's already embalmed...actually, cheap wines used to have formaldahyde on the ingredient list. think Boone's Farm.

    Q- Will George R.R. Martin finish the Song of Fire and Ice before the Earth is frozen solid by the heat death of the universe?
    A- He's already frozen, beat the earth by millions of years.

    Q- Why are Pop Tarts so bad… and yet so very, very good?
    A- Preservatives. Similar to the Keith Richards effect above.

    Q- Why can’t California drivers comprehend the basic concept of “Left Lane Fast, Right Lane Slow?”
    A- Lack of preservatives

    Q- Could Rush Limbaugh be a bigger asshole?
    A- Do we really want that answer?

    Q- Why oh why doesn’t Hollywood make more movies with Kate Beckinsale in tight black vinyl and fangs?
    A- Hell, they didn't even use her in this last one that just went to DVD last week. Not right without her.

    Any more questions? No...good, I'll be over in the corner swilling cheap wine and scarfing pop-tarts.

    Disclaimer:
    No science was harmed in the answering of these questions.

    WendyB_09

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wait, I thought the T-Rexes ate coconuts. Damn. Gotta change those books again.Why are Pop Tarts so bad… and yet so very, very good?

    Because the universe loves us and what's us to be happy. Fat and happy. Fat, undernourished and happy.

    Why can’t California drivers comprehend the basic concept of “Left Lane Fast, Right Lane Slow?”

    Dearth of cougars. Just saying.

    Could Rush Limbaugh be a bigger asshole?

    Yes. They make shoe stretchers too.

    Why oh why doesn’t Hollywood make more movies with Kate Beckinsale in tight black vinyl and fangs?

    It's a union contract thing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Q. Who the hell buys a Honda Element on purpose? No, really.

    A. People who lost bets.

    Q. Does anybody, anywhere, think Ben Stiller is funny – besides Ben’s mom?

    A. You can find assholes who believe anything. Otherwise the Creation Museum would shut down..

    Q. What is Tofu and why would you put it in your mouth?

    A. Don't be hating on the fermented soy beans. You just haven't had the good stuff yet. Come to New York and let Nathan and I introduce you to the good stuff.

    Q. If you are an attractive busty blonde, is it even possible that you won’t get tapped for the TSA’s new full-body X-ray vision machine?

    A. Yes, if the TSA guy is gay.

    Q. Why is Keith Richards not dead?

    A. What makes you think he isn't?

    Q. Will George R.R. Martin finish the Song of Fire and Ice before the Earth is frozen solid by the heat death of the universe?

    A. I hate to answer a question with a question, but why does anyone care?

    Q. Why are Pop Tarts so bad… and yet so very, very good?

    A. Because people can be programmed to prefer crappy food over good food if you feed it to them early enough in life. Which is why my 6 year old has never set foot in a fast food restaurant yet.

    Q. Why can’t California drivers comprehend the basic concept of “Left Lane Fast, Right Lane Slow?”

    A. I've got really, bad news for you. It's not just California, it's all of the Northeast all the way down to DC. But the answer is: "stupidity, inconsideration, inattention and bloody-mindedness". I keep telling you, when I retire and don't give a shit anymore, this dipshittery is going to stop. I'm buying a fucking dump truck with a snowplow blade and by God, people are going to MOVE over to that right lane.

    Q. Could Rush Limbaugh be a bigger asshole?

    A. There's ALWAYS room for improvement. In either direction.

    Q. Why oh why doesn’t Hollywood make more movies with Kate Beckinsale in tight black vinyl and fangs?

    A. Another question for an answer: Who's Kate Beckinsdale? (I don't get out much anymore).

    ReplyDelete
  11. Why aren't there more movies with Dwayne Johnson in tight vinyl, shirtless, with or without fangs?

    And Keith Richards is dead. He's been subsisting on the blood of young groupies for decades.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I almost forgot I know the answer to this one:

    Q. Who the hell buys a Honda Element on purpose? No, really.

    My Dad's barber. He's really into antiques, and says the Element is the prefect size for bringing home antique furniture to refurbish.

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  13. I have an additional question.

    Q: What could have scared trees so much that it made petrified wood?

    ReplyDelete
  14. See?

    Nathan gets it.

    How come science never asks the really important questions?

    ReplyDelete
  15. "How come science never asks the really important questions?"

    We leave that to religion. :D

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  16. Keith Richards is still alive because his presence in the band is necessary in order for Mick Jagger to appear healthy.

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  17. When did Jagger start looking healthy?

    Speaking of which, I believe it's a Stones kind of day.

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  18. Perhaps I should have said healthIER.

    And every day is a Stones day.

    :D

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  19. What kind of evil thing was Dick Cheney doing as a young lad that his face got stuck in that position?

    How come there's never been a Grand Unification Conference between bakers and hot dog makers to decide How Many Of Each Should Be In A Package?

    Why does the fastest form of commercial transportation, air travel, depend on the speed in which human beings can shuffle along a sticky, diseased floor at the LAX screening lines?

    Speaking of sticky floors, what exactly IS the chemical composition of the material on the carpets of a twenty-year-old movie theatre?

    Why hasn't the world discovered that plastic surgeons are wrong and ugly isn't a surface phenomenon?

    How do they shrink people to fit into a television set? I do NOT believe the crap that Willy Wonka was trying to sell me -- I am NOT naive.

    Why in the world would someone develop a crappy system whereby if someone tries to Chat at me in Facebook, the Facebook Chat window which isn't visible until I go back to the Facebook tab, won't let me type in my important comment to Stonekettle Station? Who would program a cursor hijacking system?

    Yup -- there's a lot of scientific questions out there.

    Dr. Phil

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  20. William Shatner's hair is not a "clever disguise."

    That said, it's probably a terrestrial lifeform, not an ET. Most likely a variety of marmoset.

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  21. Hey, it's one-armed Eric!

    Give him a round of applause folks, it only took him two hours to type that comment!

    What?

    Too soon?

    Hope you're feeling better, Eric and that the cast comes off sooner rather than later.

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  22. "How come science never asks the really important questions?"

    There aren't any grants in that. Glad I could help.

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  23. Eric-
    Shatner's hair is a tribble he stole while making "The Trouble with Tribbles" episode...

    you're welcome.

    WendyB_09

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  24. How come there's never been a Grand Unification Conference between bakers and hot dog makers to decide How Many Of Each Should Be In A Package?.

    There was one. And their evil plan to make you buy more of each is working, isn't it? ;)

    Except on people like me who don't use hot dog buns at all, but just want the hot dogs so we can slice them up to put into our ramen (and thusly get our RDA of preservatives).

    ReplyDelete

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