Friday, May 15, 2009

From the Spam Folder

Let’s start with a letter, shall we?

Greetings to you from Our Lord Jesus.

Well, how about that? The Savior Himself. Howdy, Jesus, what’s shakin in zombieland?

I know this will sound like a scam to you but I was the head of the fund release department of the biggest churches built for God in France called “Église Catholique en France” In the year 1901, they started offering collection for the Sole aim of human growth, educational and Community development. In collaboration with the UN and the EU, We gave out an annual donation of US$550,000.00 each to 100 lucky recipients each year, undermining your religion.

A scam? No. Not at all. Not at all. I mean, You’re Jesus, right? Say, wasn’t “Undermining your religion” an REM song? Can you get me Michael Stipe’s autograph?

I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirm able Bank ATM cash card of US$550,000.00 United States Dollars, since that will be very easy for you to cash in your country, but I did not hear from you since that time. So after the World sole aim of human growth meeting heard in West Africa, I heard to deposited donation parcel with FedEx Courier Service in West Africa enable them deliver your parcel to you anywhere you are since both the BBC UK and The CNN World news announced the name of the name of the 100 lucky donation recipients.

Well, shit, Jesus, I did contact you. Just this morning, in fact, I hit my thumb with a hammer out the shop and shouted your name. Check your inbox, there’s probably like a dozen messages from me.

I traveled out of the country for a 4 Months Course and I will not come back till end of July 2009…

Jesus is taking a course? Can you imagine having Him in your biology class? Hey, Your Holiness, how’s about giving somebody else a chance to answer the evolution questions, huh? Thanks for wrecking the grade curve, Jackass.

…so i will not be able to check my mail because I just received a call from the FedEx Courier service in West Africa that you have not yet contacted them since for the delivery of your parcel to you. What you have to do now is to contact the FedEx Courier Service Located in West Africa as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because the more it stay in there office, the more your international shipment security fee on your parcel increases. For your information, you will need to pay for the international shipment security charge of the parcel because it has been in there office for over 2-3 months now.

Jesus uses FedEx? When you absolutely, positively need to kill every first born son in Egypt overnight, FedEx!

The only money you will send to the FedEx Courier Service in West Africa to deliver your parcel direct to your postal Address in your country is ($90.00 USD) only being international shipment security charge of the Courier Company so far. Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $90.00 USD Dollars.

Yeah, yeah, I got it. Thou salt have no other gods before me. Got it. Cripes, next he’ll be going on about my neighbor’s ass. I hate when he gets all Old Testament and shit.

I would have paid that but…

Yeah, yeah, you’re a little hard up for cash this week. (Seriously, never go drinking with Jesus. Last time he tagged along with us, the bastard took the last slice of pizza and stiffed us on the tab. Water to wine my ass, he drank a dozen Harvey Wallbangers at $4.50 apiece and spent the rest of the night face down in the shitter, parting the Red Sea so to speak, and moaning "why hast thou forsaken me?" over and over).

They said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demur rage.

Demur Rage! Me? Not me, Jesus, I swear. I’m turning the other cheek right now. Look, see?

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address; Direct telephone number; Do send it to them again to avoid any mistake on the delivery and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package online to know when it will get to your address. Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their international shipment security charge of $90.00 US Dollars for their immediate action.

Why can’t you just give them my address, Your Omnipotence? I mean you’re Jesus, right. Robes, beard, fishes, loaves, levitation, crown-o-thorns? Surely FedEx would take your word for it? I mean, fuck, Jesus, if they don’t believe you, why would they believe me?

Your in God, Jesus.

That’s it? What about the pony I asked for when I was eight? Hello? Hello?

Well,that’s just typical.


- A real man consists of manliness, stamina, endurance, and power.

And snips and snails and puppy dog tails!

- If your whole life is shit, at least you can have a decent watch on.

Say, Bob, how’s life? Shitty, thanks for reminding me. Nice watch. Up yours.

- From now you will be able to please each size queen

I, uh, think you might have me confused with somebody else.

- We will take excellent care of your body and soul

Another message from Jesus, no doubt. That guy is nothing if not persistent.

- Show your girlfriend that there can be a lot of flame your bed

Holy shit! What happened to you? Did you fall asleep while smoking again?

I think this was an ad for fire extinguishers.

- Even CEO’s consult us

Well, that certainly explains Chrysler and GM, now doesn’t it?

- Have a look here and you will feel like less of a man

You really have to wonder who clicks on a link like that, because, you know, somebody does. Who is that guy? I bet he’s wearing a fake Submariner watch.

- Women always ready to sleep with men who look rich

How do you explain Donny Trump then? The guy is rich, but he looks like a hobo on a Sterno bender – and women compete on TV to sleep with him. So do men.

- Your golden watch has a golden heart that is still beating

Well that’s just creepy. I think this was the plot of one of the Chucky movies.

- Women will be standing behind your door just to touch your submariner watch

Damnit, looks like I’ll need to get another restraining order.

- Men love skinny girls

And pie. Skinny girls and pie and I’m a happy man.

- Your hook will be the best hook of all the hooks in the world

Who’s this for? Blackbeard?

- With your big horse you can insert him even into the Statue of Liberty

The Statue of Liberty is anatomically correct? Those French, what jokers. And last time I was there, security wouldn’t even let you bring a bottle of water inside…

- Taste the sweetness of a rich looking person

Nine out of ten cannibals say they prefer Rich Bastards for their sweet smokey flavor.

- Free Penis Trial!

You come here often? How’d you like take my little friend out for a test drive? It’s free!

- Your member will grow as big as an oak

Unfortunately the rest of your package will shrink to the size of acorns. Remember, read the fine print.

- Your big proud friend in the pants will overshadow the Empire State Building

Bad lighting. Lousy dialog. Amateur camera work. Bunch of unknown actors. I knew it, Cloverfield was a porno

- She will want you right in the public bathroom of your choice

Dude. Public bathroom? There isn’t enough Lysol in the world. Hell I don’t even touch the soap dispenser. No. Just…no.

- Penis Enlargement now right at your door step!

That’s bound to get you talked about at the next Homeowner’s Association meeting. I mean they threatened to sue when your petunias had more than the approved number of petals, I suspect they’re not going to be real gung ho over this.

- Today you’ll revel in the ancient secret! Use it carefully!

Remember that Saturday morning TV show, Shazam! You know, young Billy and his “mentor” drive around the country in a Winnebago, avoiding the law and hiding out in crappy campgrounds. Every once in a while, Billy yells Shazam! and turns into “Captain Marvel,” a buff hunk in red spandex. Hey, I’m not implying anything here, but I found that show a little creepy.

- Viagra! It’s the place where all your dreams come true!

As I recall, that phrase usually follows “Neverland Ranch.”

- Will do it for money

I know girls who’ll do it for pudding.

- Women will jump in your bed like crazy rabbits!

How convenient because see…

- You’ll Perform like a real strong lion in bed.

It’s like we were made for each other. Pass the ketchup.

- Prince Charles Proves Gayness!

I’m not surprised. I mean, you ever see that guy swing a polo mallet?

- How customers are like lab rats!

Oops! Looks like an internal Microsoft memo escaped into the world. Pretend like you didn’t see this.


Whoosh! and the Spam folder is clear once again.

Previous Spam Folder Fodder: Part 1 and Part 2


  1. How come I never get cool spam like this?

    Actually, I never get any spam. Comcast has excellent spam filters.

    And I didn't know there was a country called "West Africa."

  2. I didn't know there was a country called "West Africa."

    Well obviously there is, Janiece, there's a FedEx office there. Duh.

  3. I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.
    I was robbed by tyuuuu men.

    (Oh, and Daddy was the one with all those first-born Egyptians.)

  4. Oh, and Daddy was the one with all those first-born Egyptians.Well, sure. OK. But isn't it all one and the same?

    Spare me my life!
    Spare me my life!
    Spare me my life!

  5. Jim I thank you whenever i read your blogg i either feel enlightened or i laugh till i cry it is one of the things i look forward to most in my day.

  6. I just got one with the title "Become Ultrasound" which I thought would be a way-cool superpower.

  7. Stonekettle Station, it makes Marines cry - that's going to be my new tag line.

    Welcome aboard, Jarhead, I've seen you lurking around for a while now. I figured you for a sniper, hiding up there in the brush. Waiting. Waiting. Moving closer and closer. Silent. Deadly. Hidden.

    But, you just had to go and comment, didn't you?

    Men, we're screwed. You all know what this means right? He's here for the women. Chicks dig the leathernecks, we don't stand a chance.

    Damn Marines.


  8. Chicks dig the leathernecks

    And money.

    And pudding.

  9. You know how the sex pills spam messages keep trying to imply the message they want to give without actually saying it, to try and defeat the spam filters?

    I got on the other day whose subject line was "I've run out of euphemisms".

  10. Honestly in spamertizing, Stephen?

  11. Wow, to have the manhood and confidence to use the public restroom of my choice -- that opens just a whole new class of women...

    I laughed out loud. Repeatedly.

    All this spam. So little originality. And zero logic.

    Dr. Phil

  12. "What about the pony I asked for when I was eight? "

    That's Santa Claus, Jim. Please get your supernatural spirit beings than bring presents to good boys and girls straight.

    And that reminds me, why is Jesus using FedEx when he's got a handy dandy delivery guy with 364 days of the year free. And he can do the whole damn world in one night. FedEx's got nothing on him

  13. ::pokes head in::

    Did someone say there was a Marine in the house?


  14. Why do i suddenly feel like a seven course meal at an Eithiopian convention. ;)
    It's a pleasure t be aboard and i don't know why but i feel the need to inform you of my status as a golden shellback.

  15. Golden Shellback? Excellent.

    I actually still have my GS card in my wallet.

    Senior Chief Janiece, be nice, don't hurt him yet.

  16. I was going to warn him about Janiece, but you got there first.


  17. Pardon me for being a member of the Great Uninitiated, but Golden Shellback sounds a lot like one of those things that'd get you kicked out for the whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" thing.

    You guys are fucking weird.

  18. Natahn, Shellback is a what you call a sailor who's crossed the equator.

    A Golden Shellback is one who's crossed the equator at the international dateline.

    Those who have never crossed the equator at sea are called wogs.

    Shellback initiation (wog day, crossing the line day) is a rite of passage for a sailor (or a Marine), it's usually an all day event that involves all kinds of things, such as crawling around the ship's maindeck on your hands and knees, sliding through a week's worth of leftover slop from the galley, singing, and getting blasted with a fire hose. In the old days it could be pretty brutal, and of course all old sailors bemoan that today's Navy is too politically correct and blah blah blah, but the ceremony today is a hell of a lot of fun, a welcome break from the routine, and a mark of pride for sailors everywhere.


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