Statement of Written Counseling, Federal Employee, General Incident for the Record
(Note: May be used in employment termination proceedings).
Dear Federal Employee:
George W. Bush, President, United States of America,
As a citizen of the United States, henceforth to be referred to as Your Employer, it has come to my attention that your job performance is unsatisfactory in a number of areas. You have received numerous verbal counseling statements from management, henceforth to be referred to as My Elected Representatives. Since this verbal counseling appears to have been ineffective in correcting the situation, I am forced to take a direct hand in the matter.
After careful review of your employment record, I have come to the conclusion that the distressingly large number of well documented and numerous failings in your recent job performance stem from a single common misperception on your part. The purpose of this written counseling statement is to correct that misperception. Failure to adhere to the directions contained in this review may result in disciplinary action or even early termination of your employment.
I understand that this may be an uncomfortable situation for you, but as your employer I must place the needs of the corporation, henceforth referred to as The United States of America or The Country, ahead of your personal feelings. As such, I feel that it is best to state things bluntly:
You are not a king.
You are also not: a dictator, an emperor, Caesar, the Tsar, El Supremo, Leona Hemsley, or other such autocratic ruler.
I know this will come as something of a shock to you, and I'm sorry to be the one to have to point it out.
As your employer, I am sensitive to your special needs. I want you to know that I can understand how you might have arrived at this misconception given your tragic personal background of wealth and privilege and your abused childhood as a pampered and protected son of power. I understand and sympathize with the fact that you were brutalized in an elite educational system which instilled in you a sense of superiority and divine destiny, without requiring actual work, emphasis on results, or critical thinking. And lastly I can also understand how your current position in our organization surrounded as it is by ass-kissing toadies, fools and jesters, fops, pseudo patriotic nationalists, yes-men, creationists, tea-leaf readers, fortune tellers, the haunting Ghost of Ronald Reagan, and other such courtly accoutrements - henceforth to be referred to as the Republican Party and Neo-Conservatives et al - might reinforce this misperception. However, The Country has done everything in its power to make allowances for the above noted handicaps in full compliance with the Americans With Disabilities Act. And while we are sensitive to the special needs of each of our employees, and try to make reasonable accommodations in accordance with the law, your continuing arrogant and autocratic attitude has created a hostile work environment for your fellow employees. I have received numerous complains, from both within and from outside our organization, and have myself personally witnessed a number of incidents that gravely concern me.
Each of us have our crosses to bear, but you must overcome your difficult upbringing and accept personal responsibility for your situation. Failure to do so will result in disciplinary action, and may result in legal action following termination of your contract.
You may feel that this statement of counseling is unfair. You will be given a chance to make a statement at the end of this document if you so desire. However, before you do so please take the following into account:
1) You were hired for your current position over other qualified applicants, based on your previous employment record in the Texas Division of our organization. You were required to complete a background check, urinalysis, and oath of office prior to employment. If examination of those criteria uncovers incorrect or undisclosed disqualifying information, The Country at its discretion may chose to pursue legal action against you. Your statement, should you choose to make one, may be used against you in such a case.
2) All employees are required to be fully cognizant of the rules and guidelines contained in our employee handbook, henceforth referred to as The Constitution. These rules and guidelines are in place for a good reason and directly provide for a safe, effective, and protected working environment for all employees within our organization. These guidelines have provided for the growth and prosperity of The Country for over two centuries, and your repeated disregard for the rules has demonstratively damaged the reputation and standing of our organization. Willful failure to comply with these guidelines is grounds for dismissal as clearly stated in the guidelines themselves. The organizational rules contained within The Constitution clearly outline the responsibilities of your current position and your obligations to the organization. It is clear that you are not as familiar with our organizational guidelines as you should be. For example your Veto threat for the recent GI Bill overwhelmingly approved by our Board of Directors shows that you do not understand your position within our organization.
3) Your employee record shows a repeated disrespect for your fellow employees and the well being of The Country. As noted, we are willing to make allowances for the differently-abled and the mentally challenged, however your record clearly shows that you regard your personal handicaps as a divine right to do as you please without regard for our organizational rules or the needs of your fellow employees. This is an unacceptable attitude and you have been repeatedly counseled regarding this situation.
You are required to correct the issues noted above. Failure to do so will result in scorn, sarcasm, public ridicule, and the pointing out of your many inadequacies as a both a man and as a carbon based life-form.
You may avoid the awkward situation described in the previous paragraph, at least in some regards, in one of two ways.
1) Change your attitude and take immediate responsibility for your actions and the failings of your Division. Comply fully with the rules specified in The Constitution and demonstrate detailed knowledge of such. Show respect for the needs and concerns of your fellow employees and the goals of our organization as specified by Management. Quietly complete your contract without fucking up anything else.
2) Take immediate advantage of our organization's early retirement option and generous severance package (Note: this offer requires that Federal Employee Richard "Dick" Cheney retires at the same time. This is a package deal, non refundable, non returnable. Green stamps and parking validation not included.)
Counselor: Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station, Citizen and Shareholder
Counselee: George W. Bush, President, (make your mark here):___
(Counselee Statement may be attached to back if desired, use number #2 [black] standard issue government crayon. Help with big words is available upon request to the Human Resources Division):
(1) Employee's Permanent Record
(2-420,000,000) Concerned Citizens
(420,000,001) Federal Employee's Local, Shop Steward, White House