So, dropping by jimwrightisanasshole.com I was disappointed to see that not much is occurring there.
And then I realized that the proprietor probably doesn't have much to work with aside from a list of why Jim Wright is an jerk. He's a secretive bastard, is Jim Wright, but it seems a shame to allow such a potential internet phenomenon as jimwrightisanasshole.com go to waste. Why, done correctly it could be bigger than the Rick Roll, Demotivation Posters, or Bacon Cat itself!
And so, in the spirit of the helpfulness that I'm known for, I thought I'd give jimwrightisanasshole.com a little something to work with. However, being a jerk, I figured I'd make you people do all of the actual work - and then I'd just take the credit for it.
And then it occurred to me that not only could I make you all work, I could make you dance!
So, here it is: Announcing the first ever Stonekettle Station Jim is a Jerk Giveaway Super Sweepstakes with prizes and mileage points and a free puppy.
I know, I know, you're all excited now and saying to yourself "I gotta get me some of that!"
Well you can, and here's how it works:
Relate your favorite anecdote about Jim Wright and why he is indeed a jerk worthy of a website soley dedicated to his assholiness. Help turn jimwrightisanasshole into the Internet phenomenon it rightfully should be.
You want to, you know you do.
Time Limit: Midnight (Alaskan Time Zone) Friday, August 30, 2008
Submissions: in comments under this post or via email to email@example.com. Email submissions will be published, but if submitters wish to remain anonymous, so note in the email. Non regular commenters (and even those without bowel problems) are highly encouraged to participate - in fact, the judges may be unfairly biased in favor of first time commenters. Then again, they may not, you submits your little story, you takes your chances.
No size limit. Though the judges are drunkards and layabouts and do get bored or distracted very quickly, try to bear that in mind when submitting. Be entertaining, be funny, be snarky, be sarcastic, be subtle. Demonstrate your extensive, and completely made up, knowledge of the subject.
Extra points will be awarded for demeaning other entrants, or just blatantly stealing their ideas. Double extra bonus points will be awarded for putting a hex, the evil eye, or other such dastardly spell on the competition - in the event that any such juju is demonstrated to actually work, the sweepstakes will be terminated immediately and the person placing the curse shall be declared the winner.
No limit on submissions, write as many as you like. However, only one submission per comment or email please.
First Prize: This genuine, one of a kind, handmade, finely crafted piece of Alaskan Artwork, turned from endangered polar bear ivory and rare green sea turtle shells salvaged from an Exxon north slope oil spill, with magic properties guaranteed to increase sexual potency, end famine, and cause Dick Cheney to do a jerky little dance wearing a funky green hat and rainbow pride wife-beater T-shirt when you rub it just right. (OK, it's just White Alaskan Birch Burl, but the Dick Cheney part is absolutely true, I swear)
It's beautiful and unique and the winning of it will bring you the envy of people everywhere. Think of the fame, the glory, the pride, the smug satisfaction you'll get from owning this amazing piece of artwork. Think about making Dick do the monkey dance.
Second Prize: There is no second prize, loser, we don't reward second rate work.
Here's an example to get you started:
Back in '86, Jim Wright was crossing an unnamed Middle Eastern desert. He had stopped to tie his boot and, distracted by a shiny rock, he didn't notice when the rest of his military unit disappeared over the horizon (some say this was done with malice aforethought by the above mentioned members of the military unit, who fed up with his hogging of the government issue MRE oatmeal bars and the resulting flatulence had decided to take matters into their own hands). Alone, Jim Wright set off resolutely (some would say cluelessly or maybe even aimlessly) into the desert. After a while the heat and lack of water, not to mention the vapors from the airplane glue he had smeared on his mustache to prevent sunburn , began to take its toll. Disorientated and hallucinating, he stumbled into a dusty nomad village where much to his surprise he was confronted by a large band of surly, burly, tattooed, thuggishly cross-dressing, Nazi Biker Hoodlums who were having their dirty and perverted way with a small group of Peace Corps Nun Missionaries. Jim Wright, being a trained military man, rapidly assessed the situation and - perhaps due to the fumes wafting from his upper lip - came to a conclusion. Cocking his weapon he sprang into action, spraying bullets and swear words with equal, and random, abandon. When the smoke, dust, and blue air cleared - all of the nuns were dead. And thus did Jim Wright free the captive Bikers, who to this day owe him a debt of gratitude and free beer - or at least so it says on the commendation that he wrote himself, his logic being that he was the only government witness and thus the only reliable judge of what had actually happened that day.
And like that, and so forth and so on.
The hounds, unleash them and dance you filthy little monkeys, dance!
Note: Some restriction apply. Void where prohibited by law, custom, and Nazi biker thugs. Rules are subject to change and so is this disclaimer. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Objects may appear closer than they actually are. Do not remove tags, or electrostatic protection without proper grounding. Some genetic mutation may occur. Use only in a well ventilated space and with proper protection. Hasta Lasagna, don't get any on ya. Stay off the moors, beware the moon, have a nice day and don't say your weren't warned.
Another Note: After extensive consultation with our illustrious state Senators, the judges have decided to openly and enthusiastically accept bribery, since they feel this will just streamline the final selection process - plus they like to get stuff. Cash is king, just saying.