Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Konlobos - with a "K"

I haven't paid much attention to blogging stats lately.

Last night I took a look at my stat compiler and was surprised by a few things.

First, readership is growing far beyond the UCF commenters. I'm averaging around 200 hundred unique visitors a day, and some days it's much higher than that. As usual the highest visit days are Monday and Tuesday, and the lowest is normally Friday and Saturday. The highest drawing post ever on Stonekettle Station was this one, where I reviewed the Delorme PN-20 GPS unit. That review got linked to a number of backpacking, geocaching, and GPS interest sites and pulled in over 1200 visitors the day after it was posted - and it continues to draw in one or two visitors on a daily basis. The second highest drawing post was this one, about Chief Warrant Officer Edwin Hill and his actions during the attack on Pearl Harbor. This was also my favorite post of anything I've yet written and also continues to draw in at least two visitors a day. A number of links continue to pull in visitors from various military forums regarding my posts on waterboarding, torture, and the stinking Patriotic Act.

So, that's cool.

What's less cool are some of the searches Stonekettle Station gets included in.

For a long time the phrase "Laura San Giacomo nude or naked" was the most common search to hit on my site. This amused me. I think quite highly of Ms. San Giacomo as I've mentioned here and there, I think she's a fine actor and quite attractive. However I do not now, or have ever owned nude photos of her and wouldn't post them if I did. It amuses me that people come here looking for such things.

The search phrase "Alaskan Birch Bowl" or its many derivations is also a common hit for my site, which of course would figure. And I'm good with that too, in fact I'm more than good with it.

But a review of my search stats for the last two month shows something that creeps me out more than a little bit.

It also pisses me off.

A while back I posted a snarky bit about my travails with the tech support department of one of the companies I do business with. In the comments section, in response to another commenter, I quoted the movie, The Rundown, as in "Konlobos, with a 'K.'"

Konlobos, for those of you who are not Dwayne Johnson fans and somehow missed a truly funny movie, are supposedly South American fruits that induce short term, total paralysis in anybody who consumes them. Konlobos are also supposed to be quite tasty.

"Konlobos" is the number one search item in my stat counter by a large margin, and has been for the last two months. I'm looking at fifteen hits for it this morning. Here's a couple of the search phrases:

"how long does somebody stay drugged with konlobos"
"do girls remember anything if are givin konlobos fruits"
"can you taste konlobos juice in a drink?"
"mix alcohol with konolobes"
"konlobos and diet coke dilute the effects"
"ruffies, konlobos where can i get them?"

Getting the idea here? There are more search phrases than just the ones I've listed, some are pretty dammed explicit and extremely disturbing ("does konlobos paralyze a girl no matter what i do to her?") and it's fairly obvious why these scum sucking bottom feeders are running the searches they are. These searches are coming from many places, so it's not just one sick, twisted little date rapist hiding in his mom's basement. Though there is one persistent son of a bitch in the LA area who keeps searching for "where to buy konlobos" on a weekly basis.

I titled this post Konlobos with a 'K' specifically so that anybody searching for this item finds this post. The following is addressed to these people in particular:


Attention Sick Pathetic Fucks
A couple of things,

1) You are sad, sick, pathetic little fucks. No don't look away, I'm talking to you, you cowardly shitbags. What's the matter? No self esteem? Girls were mean to you and now you're going to get even? Or is it just too much effort to be a decent human being? You must be a hell of a man if you have to drug a woman (or is it another man?) into sex. Or do you drug them so that they don't laugh when you take your clothes off?

2) Men who drug women or other men for sex are called rapists. That's you, or at least what you're contemplating. Date Rape. It's not a funny party trick. Rape. It's a hideous, heinous, revolting violation, a crime of the worst kind. And when they catch you, and they will, you'll spend the rest of your life finding out exactly what it's like to get raped, in prison, daily. And you'll deserve it, every demeaning, emasculating second of it. Over and over.

3) You are not just contemplating rape, you are contemplating (hopefully, just contemplating at this point) becoming a sexual predator. That's what it is when you research your crime beforehand, when you assemble the drugs in advance, when you go into a situation intending to drug and rape someone. A sexual predator, that's what you're thinking about becoming. Carry through on your sick little fantasy and you're liable to become familiar with some other drugs, specifically sodium thiopental, Pancuronium, and potassium chloride which are the ingredients of the lethal injection cocktail used to execute condemned assholes just like you. I'm not big on the death penalty, but I will tell you right up front that given the opportunity, I'd be perfectly happy to push the button myself, you stupid sick bastard.

4) Konlobos is a fictional fruit. A movie prop, nothing more. It doesn't exist and never has. The fruit shown in the movie is a Hand Pear, dressed up in Hollywood makeup. But, please, don't believe me - keep looking for it.

5) You better hope you never cross my path. Really, you better hope that above all things.


It's going to be a while before I take a look at my stats again, I've got enough things that piss me off without that.


  1. Jim, if they do ever cross your path, I would be most happy to hold your coat while you "deal" with them.

    Then I'll point and laugh.

    Then I'll finish the job.

    Because, really, Warrants shouldn't get to have all the fun. Bogarting the pervs is most unbecoming.

  2. I never heard of that fruit. I guess I didn't see, or maybe didn't remember that post. But I love your reaction. "Come here, you sick little fucks! Let me tell you a thing or two."

    It's going to be hard to get this SEG off my face for the rest of today!

  3. You know, I watched the movie and enjoyed it in a summer popcorn flick kind of way. I'm a DJ fan - as are many 40-something women. ;)

    You know, I didn't really even remember the Konlobos thing. And even if I had, I wouldn't have 1) tried to attempt to spell it, or 2) tried to look it up on the Internet.

    How stupid can some people be?

    Jim, I think that these folks need to have their search engine shoved where the sun doesn't shine. Sideways.

  4. You see why the most offensvie topic I address is Tsou Dofu?

    There are some sick, sick puppies out there.

  5. You should see some of the search phrases that hit on my site containing the word "Jerkoff."

    I probably should have named the "Jerkoff of the week" posts something else.

    Best one so far (best as in scary when you think it through)? "Trucker Driver Jerkoff while driving."

    Yeah, I'm staying as far from the big rigs on the highway as possible.

  6. Do you think it's possible to find video of that?

    ::ducking and hiding::

  7. Jeri, you're welcome to try that search, the phrase was:

    "Trucker Jerkoff technique while driving"

    There is, apparently, a technique.

    Have fun, and, please, don't share. Really.

  8. I was just trying to conjure up images in people's brains, just to be snarky. Like most, I'm actually a little afraid of the idea, in theory and in practice. ;)

    I think if any big rig truckers in my vicinity get bored I'd much prefer they listened to audio books or something. No functional literacy required. :D

  9. I think I could've lived without knowing that there are techniques to truckers jerking off...

  10. You're not the only one.

    Though, I did read about a commercial airline pilot once... uh, nevermind.

  11. Sorry Jim,

    I can totally understand your aversion to sick fucks, I've been too busy to respond.

    Something is WRONG on the internet!

  12. Yes, Nathan I know. You gave me a serious laugh. I just commented over on Polybloggymousness.

    Today, the internet is just full of wrongness

  13. Plus, Nathan didn't get the joke over at my place.

    Ha! Ha! Ha!

  14. Michelle,

    It was MATH! I don't get jokes in MATH!

  15. I had a friend that drove a truck for a while, and I never heard of any jerking off techniques. There was one time we were talking and he had to hang up and call me back cause he had to...fill a bottle with some lemonade...*ahem* while he was driving.

  16. Jim, I always thought that teh interweb was one of the greatest innovations of the 20th Century, until I started to hear about crap like this. It just makes it easier for the scum of the earth to congregate and compare notes and "best practices." I guess there's a downside to all technology.

    1. Yes it is.....and that is sad. And l must say give them hell Jim .....bunch of sickos

  17. Nathan doesn't know pi! Nathan doesn't know pi!

  18. Hey, if having a technique will keep a trucker from wrecking... I'd prioritize it like this (best-to-worst):

    1) Please don't jerk off while driving a truck;

    2) Okay, if you have to do that, please use the proper "technique", thanks;

    3) Omigod you're doing that wrong and now we're all going to die.

    ...as I think it's plain to see, proper jerk off technique for truckers is a lesser evil by far. So please, please, please--as a public service, please encourage your trucker friends to jerk off properly if they have to jerk off at all.

  19. Hmmm, I was wondering when the lawyer was going to weigh in on this subject.

    [Courtroom somewhere in North Carolina]
    Prosecutor: Your Honor, it is our intention to show that the defendant directly endangered the public by willful and negligent use of improper technique while operating his tractor/trailer rig on the public highway. By removing his right hand from the wheel, he...
    Public Defender: Objection! Objection, your honor!
    Judge: On what grounds?
    Public Defender: My client is being discriminated against. The state's case is based entirely on bigotry and bias!
    Judge: How's that again?
    Public Defender: So called "proper technique", your honor, is biased against my client.
    Judge: Beg pardon?
    Public Defender: My client is left handed!

  20. So, if there's a technique, that must mean there's a rating system somewhere. I wonder if they use the old IOC Ice Skating Rules, or the new IOC Ice Skating Points System? Are there professionals and sponsorships available or is everybody keeping their amateur status in case it is made an Olympic Sport? And how soon will ITT Tech offer a degree for it?

    As a writer of Science Fiction you always have to work the technology all the way through, you know.

    And, I just want to say, it's a sick world where people need to look up jerkoff techniques on the internet. Seems like basic technology to me. The user interface is pretty straight forward and intuitive. Hell, millions of people have figured it out without using the internet. Just how dumb do you have to be to do a search on it?

  21. I'm a week late, but you've inspired me to sell "konlobos" on eBay. I could rebrand pears, and not even be fraud. I doubt they trademarked konlobos...

    I'll be RICH I tell you, RICH...

  22. Did you know you're the #1 hit on Google after IMDB for that word?

    You poor bastard.

  23. Yeah, actually I did know that.

    Also, I'm not quite sure why the Wikipedia would link to this post as a 'reference,' but then again that's the wikipedia for you.

  24. well i was gonna let you know that your on wiki as a reference to rundown but i guess you already found that out. But other than that i was wondering how you check for search hits on your website and if its something any owner of a small domain could do.


  25. Khalatdo

    Thanks for the thought, I appreciate it.

    At to the stats thing. I use a variety of statistic collectors, from Google Analytics to Sitemeter.

    Probably for you the best would be StatCounter, which I like in particular. There's a free version you can use to decide if you like it and if it gives you the information you need - I used the paid version and like I said I prefer this tool above almost all others.

    Hope that answers your questions.

  26. ok..buddy i was just now watchin the rundown
    and i juss saw the part with the konlobos
    and i juss searched them up to see if they actually
    so u need to calm the fuck down

  27. Yeah, I saw what you were searching for, I can understand your embarrassment at getting caught.

  28. Hi man. Crazy stuff that about the wanna be pervs. I guess their run out of ideas since their porn site password expired. But... how in hell did you become the target of such searches in the first place?
    Well, you already know that you was "wikified" for some reason, so I do not need to tell you that; but if you want I can remove the link and post some other reference in its place. If someone complain there (very unlikely) I can just point to this comment.
    BTW, nice blog. And very educative too - I just found out in that image (now my wallpaper) that Vodka come from potatoes :-)!

  29. dude , I live in Brazil and i'm in need of some cash ... how about a company to export konlobos ? can we make some profit out of it ? we could mix some LSD or something alike just to create a buzz ... and became world famous drug dealers ! so what you tell me ? are you in or out ?

  30. Andre: You caught me a day late. Just yesterday I got an offer from a Nigerian prince.

  31. seriously not everyone looking for konlobos is a sexual deviant or pervert. some may just wanna get complete wasted and or shit face. though you may speak from expeirence, and for that i am sorry, and guys youi dont have to rape there are plenty of willing partners out there. too bad out government does not support public castration of all them raping peices of shit out ther.

  32. Well...I'm a huge fan of this movie and as this fruit seemed too crazy to exist, I was looking for some onfo, and I got here...2 years after your post.
    Konlobos apart...I really loved your speech about those little bastards. It's unbelievable the search terms you can find, it's sad to see sick people like this.
    As a woman, I'd rather been shot than raped...it's a nightmare just to think about it.
    I'm glad to see a man defending women's right to choose and standing up to those kind of behaviour.
    A big hug from Portugal!

  33. Hi Jim,

    Thanks for explaining the fruit is fiction. I'm quite relieved as I never noticed the green version -hand pears-fruit at the grocery stores till I watched The Rundown movie. I googled it, found your blog and laughed so hard at all of the blog comments my eyes teared up. And yes, thank you for standing up against those pervs out there and being direct about it! Thanks! And after you and Janice are done putting those pervs in their place, come down to South Padre Island and I'll treat you to a nice authentic Mexican shrimp cocktail and sketch ya a nice drawing for ur blog. :)

  34. Wow, it's really disturbing that there are that many sick perverted freaks out there.... I myself just wanted to know if its real or not as I just watched that scene in the movie about 2min ago. I'm rather glad to actually know what it is (curiosity is now sated) and glad to know it's not real so sick perverted freaks can't use it.


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