Thursday, June 19, 2008

You might be a terrorist if...

It's a basic precept of mathematics that you can't plot a curve from a single point. In fact, you need at least three points to plot a curve on a graph, more points are better.

By now, of course, you've already lost interest. Math, Jim? Math? You're going to talk about math?

Just hear me out for a moment, will you?

Let's start with the curve, i.e. what we know - Barrack Obama is a terrorist. Worse, he just may be the Anti-Christ who will bring on the End of Days.

We know this to be true, we can feel it, all right thinking people can. But, see, that's the problem, there are too many wrong thinking people out there. People who just can't identify a terrorist fist-jab between husband and America-hating wife when they see one. If we are to win the Global War on Terrorism we're going to need more than feelings, we're going to need a little math.

Now, since right thinking people aren't big on math, what we need is to have the math boiled down into a something that everybody can use. What we need is some kind of simple criteria we can refer to when necessary in order to identify the terrorists.

Without such defining criteria you might just walk past a terrorist on the street without even knowing it, you might hire a group of terrorists to remodel your kitchen, or you might nominate a terrorist judge to the bench, or you might even accidentally vote for one to be your president. Heaven forbid, you yourself might be a terrorist - and not even know it! Hey, people discover new things about themselves all the time, why just this morning I found three new hairs growing from my ears that I didn't even know that I had - what else don't I know about myself?

So, as a public service, I've culled extensive Conservative materials and compiled the following handy checklist. Print it out and carry it next to your heart, or better yet tape it inside the cover of your copy of Godless: The Church of Liberalism.

The Terrorist Checklist:

Terrorists are easy to identify. If somebody meets any of the following criteria, it is a distinct possibility that they have terrorist sympathies. If they meet three or more of the following criteria, they are a terrorist for certain and should be reported to the nearest Transportation Safety Administration agent, or simply pick up your phone and say the name of the terrorist clearly and distinctly and the National Security Agency Homeland Monitoring Team (Tail Gunner Joe Division) will take care of the rest.

1) They are black: Any non-Caucasian person is an immediate cause for suspicion. Terrorists come from Africa and the Middle East, and people from those countries have dark skin - except for Jesus, his skin was as white as Dick Cheney's butt checks and anybody who says otherwise hates America. Plus black people wear really big baggy shorts, that's where they hide the explosive belts.

2) They are Democrats: Democrats are Liberals. Liberals hate America. QED.

3) They have not been born again: Only Fundamentalist Christians can be Patriots. Jews, Muslims, Catholics, and Atheists hate America. Jews killed Jesus. And since Jesus founded America, it is obvious that Jews hate America. Muslims have funny sounding names and they hate Jesus too. Islam eats your brain and makes you go crazy, look what happened to Cassius Clay and Cat Stevens - they're crazy and they hate America. Catholics answer to a man in a pointy hat. The only man in a pointy hat you should listen to is the Grand Wizard, and he says that Catholics hate America. Atheists hate everybody, but especially Jesus.

4) They believe in radio carbon dating: Scientists hate America, unless they're weapons scientists - and even those you've got to keep an eye on. Scientists wear white lab coats and keep aborted fetuses in their pockets so that they can suck out the little stem cells whenever they're feeling hungry. Anybody who kills babies in order to suck out the stem cells hates America, and if they hate America they kill babies, that's why Jesus hates science, because it kills babies. That's logic.

5) English isn't their first language: Americans speak English. Period. The Indians spoke English, Jesus spoke English, John Wayne spoke English, and the Bible is written in English and anybody who doesn't speak English or speaks with one of those funny sounding accents is a terrorist.

6) They like Polar Bears: Endangered species are endangered, because they're losers. Jesus hates losers. Besides, the stupid polar bears shouldn't be living on top of our oil anyway, just like the Arabs. Arabs have oil, Arabs are Muslims, Muslims hate America, therefor polar bears hate America.

7) They listen to Rock Music: Music cannot be Patriotic unless it's Country or Western.

8) They read the Washington Post: There's a reason Rush Limbaugh doesn't work for the Post.

9) They just got married in California: God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Anybody named Steve is gay. Gay people hate America and are in league with Satan.

10) They watch the Food Network: The food network is owned by Yassir Arafat and Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray is putting the Islam into donuts in order to corrupt our police forces and create her own army in order to take over the world. Plus she's really hyper and annoying. Annoying people hate America.

11) They own a Mac: Americans use PC's. PC's were made by Bill Gates. Bill Gates is a capitalist. Capitalists are good, because when they get really big and successful we can sue them and get some money, which we can then use to fund ethanol farmers in Red States. Farmers are Americans, people who own Macs hate farmers, therefore Mac users hate America.

12) They don't have a yellow ribbon magnet on their car: Actions and personal records mean nothing. Service and duty are just words. What matters are patriotic symbols. Real Americans wear a genuine American Flag pin made in Chinese sweatshops owned by Kathy Lee Gifford. The America Flag Pin is to terrorists like pork chops are to a Muslim, they can't touch them or they'll burst into flames. If somebody isn't wearing an American Flag pin then they probably hate pork chops too. Jesus loves pork chops. If you hate pork chops then you hate Jesus, and if you hate Jesus you hate America.

13) They engage in Fist Jabbing.

Now, any right thinking person can see that the criteria contained in this list has been compiled from officially verified Pentagon Intelligence Reports and Fox News Broadcasts and only people who hate America would argue with the logic behind it. So that makes it good enough for government use, as we used to say in the intelligence field.

Let's run Mr. Obama through the list, shall we?

Given: Fist Jabber.

1) Black, check, or black enough anyway, married to a black woman. Double check.

2) Democrat, check.

3) Muslim, check (His middle name is Hussein for crying out loud and he doesn't even deny it!).

Well, hell, we can just stop right there. That's four points and we have a curve, indisputable proof that Barrack Obama is a terrorist. For the love of God, People, wake up.

See, that's why math is so important.

I'll be upstairs, clipping my ear hair if you need me.


  1. Nathan runs the checklist:

    1. My skin is kind of olive-hued, so CHECK.

    2. Registered Democrat: Check

    3. Born only once into a Jew family: CHECK

    4. Belief in Carbon Dating. Don't know how the hell they do it but CHECK

    5.English, Yay!

    6. Polar Bears are adorable (at a distance especially the ones in the Coke Christmas commercials) CHECK

    7. Rock Music: Check

    8. Not so much on the Post.

    9.Not married anywhere.

    10. No cable, no Food Network.

    11. I love my fucking mac. Fuck you! CHECK.

    12. No yellow ribbons CHECK

    13. Fist jabs are actually pretty dorky.

    I am 62% terrorist. And, yeah how the fuck did I get hair on my ears. That's just annoying as hell.

  2. I think I'm a terrorist...

    Who knew?

  3. 1. Dark skin color: I'm painfully pale. I almost glow in fact. So I'm safe there.
    2. Registered Democrat: Check.
    3. Born again: Hell no. Once was enough.
    4. Carbon Dating: Is Awesome. Want me to explain it to you Nathan?
    5. Speak English: Better than your average redneck
    6. Love polar bears: Check
    7. Love rock music: Check
    8. Read WaPo: Sometimes.
    9. Married in West (by God) Virginia. By a Catholic priest. How does that fit?
    10. Don't watch cable. But enjoy watching them make food when I'm using the machines at the gym.
    11. Mac. Eh. Whatever.
    12. Yellow ribbons: Nope. In fact, the only unique thing about my car is we have a Barney foot hanging from the rear view mirror.
    13. Fist jab: No way. That's just one more opportunity for me to injure myself.
    14. Hair in my ears: NO! Thank goodness.

    I get a score of 61.5385%

    Do I win? What's the prize?!

  4. My skin is kind of olive-hued

    Jesus Christ in bronzed baby shoes, Man. This single criteria alone condemns you! Black olives, they come from California, and they are commonly distributed in Queen size. Ahhhh! Terrorist! Somebody call the TSA! It's "Nathan the Jackal!"

  5. The prize, Michelle with two ells, if that is your real name, is America! For our Children.

    (Hey, look who forgot to take his medicine this morning, erk! twitch! Gak!)

  6. (did anyone else immediately go over to look at Shawn's blog just now?)

  7. yes, I checked and he did.

    So, it's all good.

  8. mwt,

    I didn't check, but that was because I checked at 8:30 this morning.

    But I don't WANT your children! I don't want ANY children!

  9. 1. I'm white.
    2. I'm independent. I think that counts for 1/2 point.
    3. I'm born again. And Catholic. Or was Catholic. Or am kinda Catholic.
    4. Radio carbon dating, check.
    5. English is first language. Speak a little German, a little Spanish, and a little Japanese as well. Hmmm... not sure how I score this. But I have a feeling German and Japanese counts against me.
    6. I like polar bears like Nathan does.
    7. Listen to rock music. LOVE rock music. But I listen to other types of music as well.
    8. Don't read the Washington Post. But then again, I don't live in Washington.
    9. Never got married in California. Does Minnesota count? And wasn't married by a Catholic priest the first time. But I was the second time. Does THAT count?
    10. Don't watch the Food Network. It makes me hungry.
    11. I own numerous PCs. But Steve Job IS a capitalist.
    12. No yellow ribbon. I do have am American Flag pin that I sometimes wear, but I also have served in the Armed Forces, and contribute to real live helpful charities for our troops. And it pisses me off to do so, because I think it wouldn't be necessary if our jackass CinC was doing his fucking job!

    I'm too lazy to do the math, but apparently I'm part terrorist. And since I won't do the math, that should count as extra credit. 'Cause real Americans don't do math.

    So I'll second Michelle with two ells - Do I win? What's the prize?!

  10. Oh no, Vince, you're a terrorist through and through - you're wearing a turban in your avatar pictures. Plus, your avatar has a beard. Beard and Turban = terrorist.

    As to winning, I believe the prize is that all of us UCF terrorists have won a special place on the "No-Flies" list.

  11. 1): I’m olive-y like Nathan. So is my daughter, but the husband is quite pink. Does that count for or against me?
    2) Democrat. ‘Nuff said.
    3) Like the rest of the crowd so far, I’ve been born once, and don’t intend to do it again (does reincarnation count?) I’m a Jew. Jew-y, Jew Jew.
    4) I totally dig radio-carbon dating
    5) I am a “monoglot” -- I function nicely in English and am completely lost with anything else (double points for me!)
    6) I like polar bears from far away.
    7) Sorry, I like “twinkly-shit” music – classical or New Age (gasp!).
    8) I live in Bethesda MD and read the WaPo every day.
    9) I got married in NJ, but my brother and his partner may be getting married CA – strike 57 against me.
    10) Rachael Ray annoys the daylights out of me, and I can't cook for beans, but I like the Food Network.
    11) I was a Mac-head until I met my husband and converted to the Dark Side. I still miss my Mac.
    12) I hate the yellow ribbons and flag pins and pork chops too.
    13) Never once fist-jabbed.

    76.923% Well, la-dee-dah. I’m in good company.


  12. Hmmm. It'd be easier if I just say which ones I don't do: read the Washington Post, married in CA, fist jabs. I also don't have cable at the moment but did watch Food Network when I had it, so we'll call that a yes. Which means: 76.9% terrorist for me, too.

  13. Incidentally, if we go by Jim's earlier definition of a Real American ("the only real Americans are Straight, Conservative, devout Christian White People who speak English as their Native Language"): I'm actually none of the above. I'm the perfect anti-American! Woot woot! :D

  14. Great, just great, I'm surrounded by terrorists! I'll never be allowed on an airplane again.

    (Of course I probably made the no-fly list as soon as I made that crack (heh) comparing Jesus to Dick Cheney's lily white ass. Yeah, I'm going straight to hell, probably via Gitmo)

  15. For a naturalized American, I am actually a lot more American than most of you guys, it turns out. I am only 53% terrorist. If only I get that yellow-ribbon, I might evade detection altogether...

  16. Ilya, I read your comment before I was fully awake and for some reason I processed your first statement as "...a pasteurized American..." which gave me a chuckle.

  17. Oh no, Vince, you're a terrorist through and through - you're wearing a turban in your avatar pictures. Plus, your avatar has a beard. Beard and Turban = terrorist.

    Oh my. I hadn't thought about that. 'Cause my avatar is actually me. Except I don't normally wear a shiny turban. It's from a play I was in. May have to track it down and wear it more often.

    And I'm down with being on the "No-Flies" list, 'cause I'm in great company!

  18. You know, it occurs to me just how much I like you people.

    What do we have here? Ex-military, non-military, liberal, Liberal, conservative, and undeclared. Multi-ethnic, variable religious, male, female, gay, straight, and unspecified. American, Canadian, and other. Geeks, freaks, and a lawyer. And you're all fun, funny, interesting and intelligent people.

    Not exactly earth shaking, I know, but I just felt like saying it. Thanks for coming around, I really look forward to your comments every day. You bunch of fucking terrorists, you make good company.

  19. Okay, so now that I've been outed (and I think you made up 10, but guilty), can I enact all those ideas I get when the neo-cons start talking about what terrorism is and then I think back at the screen/radio, "That's not terrorism, now *this* would be... (insert plans for how to strike fear where it needs to be instilled and bring about the revolution)."

    Really, Osama is a punter who doesn't understand modern politics and governance.

  20. "That's not terrorism, now *this* would be... (insert plans for how to strike fear where it needs to be instilled and bring about the revolution)."

    Yeah, that's my exact problem. As a former military tactics expert, I tend to examine terrorist actions - and figure how I could have done it better.

    But, you're right, we've turned Bin Ladin into the bogyman, but he's really nothing but a pissant.


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