Saturday, June 21, 2008

Attention Nigeria:

I am happy with myself.


Just so you know:

I don't need any of my tools to be bigger, larger, longer, heftier, electrifying, monstrous, ribbed for pleasure, able to drill holes in tempered molybdenum, able to pound nails into solid oak, turned into a giant python that can squeeze an adult goat to death, capable of sustained operation for 36 hours, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound or lift a mini-van full of hot, horny and desperate soccer moms who just happen to live in my neighborhood and want to meet me. I'm not interested in living the life of a rock star, or in invading her Utah Beach with my landing craft of love, I do not want to party like a porn star.

I do not want to meet Russian babes, even if they are my true love and ready to party. I'm not interested in a fresh faced and compliant Malaysian Girl, even if she will "love me, long time." I don't want to fly to the Philippines and pick out a new wife, even if the selection is guaranteed to be virginal and to love Jesus.

I don't want to invest. In anything. Period. Really. I'm not interested in buying gold, silver, land, an island, a small country, your invention, your sister, your mother, or an oyster farm.

I'm not interested in helping you move massive amounts of cash out of your country. Not for fifty, seventy five, or even ninety percent of the take. I'm also not interested in your sob story, I don't care if your dad, mom, sister, brother, daughter, son, uncle, or pet dog was a minister of finance or transmission repair or the evil dictator himself. I don't care if he, she, or it worked for your country's oil industry. I don't care if you are a greedy bastard looking for a partner in order to fleece your country out of billions. I don't care if you're a childless devout Christian woman looking for somebody to manage your late husband's millions so you can die in peace knowing that I, a devout born again Christian, will donate your money to charity in the name of jesuschristourlordandsavior.

Nigeria, you seem to be spending in inordinate amount of effort attempting to get my attention, and I hate to see you waste your time. So, really, I hope this clears up the situation and explains why I haven't replied to any of your emails. Thanks.


Yeah, I just went through the spam folder for this week. Really, you don't want to know.


  1. Bet mine is worse.

    My address is posted as is on my site. So that gmail account gets obscene amounts of spam.

    Which is why I tend not to check it more than once a week.

    Funny thing is that about 75% of my current spam for that account is in Chinese. Or maybe Japanese. Like I can tell the difference.

  2. My former boss, for whom I still occasionally check email when he's out traveling, used to get spam in German, Italian, Russian, Chinese, and who knows what else. The first time I saw a German one I forwarded it to him (he speaks German), but then I started paying more attention...

  3. Advice to the unwary: Do not read posts like this while drinking liquids. Thank you.

  4. Vince, you just made Michael put down his computer, and move across the room to watch that skit with me.

    That's pretty impressive.


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