Thursday, January 10, 2008

Exciting Opportunity!

Immediate Opening for 1 Clueless Jerkoff.

Responsibilities include (but are not limited to):
- Going to the 'express checkout' lane with an entire cartload of junkfood and other crap of your choice. Paying with a check, despite the sign that says 'Cash only.' - You must not have proper ID (must be able to use stupid excuses such as 'Doh! I must have forgotten my Driver's License', despite having your wallet).
- Driving slowly through the parking lot talking on your cell phone (must have own phone). When approaching someone (me) obviously waiting to cross the lane into the parking lot proper, do not stop. As you pass me, be able to ignore my look of irritation, wait for me to begin stepping into the road, then stop for no apparent reason so that I nearly walk into the side of your truck.
- Taking the maximum amount of time to exit the parking lot, so that I have time to get in my vehicle and end up behind you.
- Driving 35 in a 55 zone, holding up traffic to the maximum extent possible.

- Must be at least 50 years of age. Old enough to know better and old enough to make people wonder how you survived this long (mystery is an essential part of the Clueless Jerkoff job).
- Must be wearing a Cowboy Hat three times the size of your head - or larger.
- Must be able to simultaneously light a cigarette and dial your cell phone while behind the wheel, slowing to a near stop in the middle of the intersection on ice covered, slippery roads while ten people are attempting to turn behind you.
- Must have own truck. Truck rear bumper must have at least three stickers with bible slogans. Must have a Jesus Fish on the tailgate - larger is better.
- Must NOT know what a fucking turn signal is.


Yes, I had to run to the store for one lousy item. It should have taken two minutes, tops. Instead I ran into the king of idiots, in a white, step-sided, short bedded Ford pickup. If I'd have gotten his name I'd have posted it here - because it pissed me off just that much.


  1. If I didn't know better, I'd guess it was my MIL's current husband. The best part, is if you say anything about it, he gives you this perfect look of "What? I wasn't doing anything wrong. I didn't inconvenience anyone. You're too sensitive and critical!"

  2. People need to be more like us. Just sayin'.

  3. Jim,

    I'll be happy to oblige on each and every count except the bein' over 50 part. (You gotta wait a few years for that).

    When do I start and how much does it pay?

  4. The part that scares me a bit, is that your 14 year old girly self must have killed or otherwise disappear-afied the current Jerkoff in order to make for an opening.

    Are you trying to fill the position before someone finds the body and suspects you?

  5. Well, Nathan, I figure that anybody willing to take the job would be clueless enough to work for promises - so, you know, set your own salary.

    It simply amazes me how damned clueless people are. Fortunately they usually congregate near Wal-Mart and I can usually avoid them. Today, it was Three Bears, and that I can't avoid.

    Hi Tania - how was the trek to the hot springs?

    And Janiece, that goes without saying, though they should probably be more like you guys than me - since I'm a fairly grumpy and unpleasant person most of the time.

  6. Thanks for the welcome back.

    The hot springs were good, I'm slightly bruised, and the two-year-old niece had no incidents. Which means my MIL will not kill me. Seriously. I got a 'don't kill my granddaughter' phone call before we left town.

    Pictures and write up by the weekend!

  7. People like that drive me NUTS NUTS NUTS. We have our share of them in the Puget Sound, although we just had a law go into effect on Jan 1 making cell phone use while driving a ticketable offense.

    But you know what's really bad? When you realize you're BEING that jackass. C'mon, haven't you ever had the realization that you're driving like an idiot, 5mph under the limit, while reaching for your coffee in morning commute traffic? Or you cut someone off for a parking space without realizing it? Or any number of other stupid driving tricks.

    I'm at least willing to say I'm sorry in those circumstances though.

  8. I am never a jackass, never. Oh, wait...uh, nevermind.

  9. Hey, I went the whole day without noticing the quote of the day.

    Good one.

    Here's one for tomorrow. (and now you need to find a better one.)

    "Hi, there. This is Howard Stern, WNnnnnBC. I'm calling because your husband Kenny has been really bitchy around the station lately and we thought that maybe you should give him some more sex."

  10. Oops, I just now realized that Shawn figured it out. Damnit. Yeah, I need to fill this position before spring - when shit starts thawing out.

  11. And Jeri,

    Maybe you've got to admit to having been a jerk in your car, but I'm the manifestation of perfection. Shiny goodness and light in a human form. At the age of five, I was the one who other mother's pointed toward and growled, "Why can't you behave like him?"

    My halo gleams. Avert your eyes from its brightness.

    And, I smell like newborn baby (sometime between getting the first cleaning and the first poop).

    Behold, my loveliness.

    Now go read Janiece's thread where we all talk about how honest and genuine we are with our online pals. :-)

  12. Nathan, I was avoiding that particular flick, because I fucking hate Howard Stern, but I'll see what I can do.

  13. Actually, I couldn't stand him either when I started the movie, but I found out two things working with the guy...

    1. Its totally schtick

    and 2. the guy is an absolute professional. When we were making that movie, he was doing his radio show from 6am to 10am and then coming to the studio to put in a 10 hour day. He was also sick as a dog for about 2 weeks of the shoot and never delayed production.

    And I can't find where Shawn posted the answer.

  14. Uh, actually I think everybody but you and I are ignoring the quotes thing.

    Shawn actually posted this: The part that scares me a bit, is that your 14 year old girly self must have killed or otherwise disappear-afied the current Jerkoff in order to make for an opening. What I meant was that he figured out the reason for the job opening - and the reason I need to fill it before spring.

  15. I'll send you some silver polish for that halo, Nathan. :) And as a metalsmith, I can help you straighten it out if it gets a bit dinged.

    Jim, it's amazing what is revealed when the snow melts. There are numerous Alaskan murder mysteries written around that. However, you would never snowbank someone just because of their driving, would you?

    I find myself having to tell my hub not to check his crackberry at red lights or in traffic jams. Idjit. I pry it away from his convulsing fingers and tell him I'll drive if he wants to check messages. "Oh, no, no, that's fine."

  16. Jim, it's amazing what is revealed when the snow melts.

    Dog poop. Mainly dog poop.

  17. Sounds like the ASI Index is increasing an Alaska.

    I have a "quality of life" indicator called the ASI Index. The lower it is, the better life is. It stands for "Assholes per Square Inch." In Alaska, even more so than in Texas, it's a very, very small number, due to the sheer quantity of square inches. Something like .0000000000371. Even though it's small, you can still see the fluctuations and use it to judge the quality of life.

    In Boston, my current location, sometimes it approaches 1. If it ever gets above 1, you better watch out, because it means the assholes are starting to be stacked on top of one other.

  18. ASI, I'll have to remember that. Usually people here in Alaska are either fairly decent, or they stay out of your way for the most part. May have something to do with the fact that many of us are armed. I'd agree with you, Tom, the highest ASI index I've encountered was in Massachusetts - just something about a group of people that keep electing Ted Kennedy.

  19. Uh, actually I think everybody but you and I are ignoring the quotes thing.

    Quotes thing? What quotes thing? ;)

  20. Anne,

    He's been changing the quote at the top of the blog every day for the last few days and he's waiting for someone to tell him what they all have in common.

    If you scan the last few days comments, you can catch up.

    Or maybe when he drags his ass out of bed, Jim will post a recap for you.

  21. Please, people. There will be no bodies after the thaw.

    We all know Jim grinds them up for sausage in his so-called "shop."

  22. We all know Jim grinds them up for sausage in his so-called "shop."

    Well, that's the backup plan. Usually I just push 'em through the woodchipper and put the resulting lunchmeat out for the bears.

    Anne, what Nathan said. I change the movie quote on top of the homepage on a regular basis. Usually I select the quote based on how I'm feeling that day, but for the last week or so I've been including quotes from movies that all have something in common. Now, frankly I didn't expect anybody to notice, because it primarily amuses only me - however, Nathan did figure it out, which figures actually, him being in the movie business and all.

    The quotes have been from the following movies:
    Crocodile Dundee II
    The Jerky Boys
    Rodger Dodger
    The Art of War
    and Stuart Little

    Today I'll probably put up something from Milk Money.

    This isn't a contest or anything - I was just doing it to amuse myself, and to see if one person in particular would notice.

  23. Glad I'm not the only one suffering what from I'm calling "Amateur Week." Seriously, where did all these people come from. I could go on about what work was like this week, but unless you have design experience it would require too much explanation (one was having two points go right to the edge of the printed piece, but without setting up bleed, and it was a scan placed into a PDF, supposed to be two color - not anymore). Ugh. Where did all the competent people go?

  24. Where did all the competent people go?

    Well, they're not hiding in the White House, that's for sure and for certain.

  25. [sigh]
    You people take me way too literally (Note the winky face at the end...)

    I was doing exactly what Jim speculated we were doing which was ignoring the puzzle. I put a few minutes of work into it (looked on imdb) and decided that maybe I should get back to work. I'm sure there were others who didn't know, so no effort wasted.

  26. Well, see Anne, now you can't ignore it. It'll eat at you and eat at you. There will be no peace until you figure it out. Oh you'll think you're ignoring the puzzle, and then bang you'll be wide awake at 2AM and you'll wonder what, what could it be? And sleep will not come...


  27. Hee! I'll admit, I was just looking at the Milk Money quote wondering if I should take another crack at it.
    Must. Resist. Temptation!


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