Monday, January 28, 2008

The Big Dubya Awards!

I know that many of you are going into withdrawal because of the writer's strike, and I understand that there is widespread anxiety with regards to the possible cancellation of certain awards shows.

Don't fear, there is still entertainment to be had. And awards!

Announcing the The Stonekettle Station State of the Union Awards!

Henceforth fondly known as the Big Dubya!

The actual award is made of genuine weapons-grade Nigerian uranium and resembles a small wizened chimp with a curled upper lip. Unfortunately, at the moment, we are unable to locate it.

Anyhoo and without further ado, let's get to the awards!

The Big Dubya Best Use of Really Big Words in a Sentence:

If we fail to pass this agreement, we will embolden the purveyors of false populism in our hemisphere.

Let's give him a big hand folks, he must have practiced that line for months - and several of those words had three syllables!

The Big Dubya Best Cover Your Ass with Weasel Words Maneuver:

First, the window dressing:
This evening, I want to speak directly to our men and women on the front lines, soldiers and sailors, airmen, Marines and Coast Guard and more. Our nation is grateful for your courage. We are proud of your accomplishments. (Not proud enough to remember the National Guard, however - they're kind of like the Professor and Mary Ann in the original Gilligan's Island theme song. Besides NG troops aren't really Soldiers, they're mostly just sons of rich families who are waiting for the war to end so they can go into politics - oh, wait, sorry, wrong war, my mistake, heh heh).

Then the Promise:
And tonight, in this hallowed chamber with the American people as our witness, we make you a solemn pledge: In the fight ahead, you will have all you need to protect our nation.

Then the triple back spin with a twist:
And I ask Congress to meet its responsibilities to these brave men and women by fully funding our troops. (Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Did you catch the 'brave men and women' perfect dismount? Even the East German judges gave that a perfect 10! Wonderful!)

And remember kids, if you don't got armor, equipment, or training - it's Congress' fault, not your Commander in Chief. Ahhh thank you, thank you very much, I'll be here until next January and don't forget to tip your waiters!

The Big Dubya Best Use of a Stock Catch Phrase Without Having A Clue As To What It Actually Means (Also know as the Yale Education Award):

we must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions and empower them to improve their lives for their futures

we must trust people with their own money and empower them to grow our economy

we must trust Americans with the responsibility of home ownership and empower them to weather turbulent times in the housing market.

we must trust students to learn ... and empower parents to demand results from our schools

we must trust patients and doctors to make medical decisions and empower them with better information and better options

we must trust American workers to compete with anyone in the world and empower them by opening up new markets overseas.

we must trust in the creative genius of American researchers and entrepreneurs and empower them to pioneer a new generation of clean energy technology

we must trust in the skill of our scientists and engineers and empower them to pursue the breakthroughs of tomorrow.

we must trust in the innovative spirit of medical researchers and empower them to discover new treatments while respecting moral boundaries

we must trust in the wisdom of our founders and empower judges who understand that the Constitution means what it says

we must trust in the good heart of the American people and empower them to serve their neighbors in need

And to make certain that we can trust those free and empowered Americans, we're gonna monitor their phone calls, data mine their emails, search their homes without a warrant, put them on secret no-fly lists, treat them like Jihadi suicide bombers in their airports, spirit them away to secret prisons in third world countries, torture them, hold secret tribunals, and piss on the Constitution. Trustworthy and Empowered people don't need no stinkin' Bill of Rights! Remember kids, if you don't got nuthin' to hide, you got nuthin' to fear - free people don't keep secrets from their Government!

The Big Dubya Best Narration of a Fictional Documentary:

We've seen jubilant Iraqis holding up ink-stained fingers and celebrating their freedom.

From the 'Mockumentary' They'll Cheer Us in the Streets of Baghdad! directed by Donald Rumsfeld and produced by the Bush Administration.

The Big Dubya Best Comedic One-Liner:

Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm. I am pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders.

Who says George doesn't have a sense of humor? Tonight, America laughs with you, Mr. President. (This will be embossed in marble above the door of the new GWB Presidential Library and Shootin' Range.)

The Big Dubya Takin' Charge Award (also known as 'The Decider'):

Tomorrow I will issue an executive order that directs federal agencies to ignore any future earmark that is not voted on by Congress. If these items are truly worth funding, Congress should debate them in the open and hold a public vote.

Unless it's earmarks for the Texas oil industry. Yeehaw!

The Big Dubya Helpin' Out the Little Guy Award:

My administration brought together the Hope Now alliance, which is helping many struggling homeowners avoid foreclosure. And Congress can help even more. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to reform Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and allow state housing agencies to issue tax-free bonds to help homeowners refinance their mortgages. It's been a difficult time for many American families and, by taking these steps, we can help more of them keep their homes.

In the mean time, I ask members of Congress to donate all the boxes from their kitchen appliance renovations to the newly homeless. With foreclosures up 75% over last year, refrigerator boxes from the Senate alone should just about cover it, leaving House boxes as a surplus reserve for next year!

The Big Dubya for Delusion in Edumacation:

Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results.

Indeed, indeed.
The Big Dubya Dim Bulb Award:

Let us increase the use of renewable power and emissions -(pause) - free nuclear power

As long as it's free! And you gotta love those renewable emissions!

(yeah, I know he meant to say 'emission-free nukely-ear power' but this is how it came out, which on the face of it is a whole lot funnier.)

The Big Dubya Scientificimucation Achievemnet Award:

Last year, Congress passed legislation supporting the American Competitiveness Initiative, but never followed through with the funding. This funding is essential to keeping our scientific edge. So I ask Congress to double federal support for critical basic research in the physical sciences and ensure America remains the most dynamic nation on earth.

Because, America can NOT afford to lose it's edge in the fields of faith-based Creation Science and herbal healing alternative medicine. If we don't edumacate our children now, who will man the Creation Museums of the future? God bless you, Mr President, only you are keeping the evil stem-cell powered clone armies at bay, only you, sir.

The Big Dubya Rio Grande Labor Award:

we also need to acknowledge that we will never fully secure our border until we create a lawful way for foreign workers to come here and support our economy.

...and clear brush on my ranch for 50 Genuine American Bucks a month, that's what? Like a bizillion pesos. Grassyass, Amigo!

The Big Dubya Freedom and Liberty Award:

In this war on terror, there is one thing we and our enemies agree on. In the long run, men and women who are free to determine their own destinies will reject terror and refuse to live in tyranny.

For example, Osama Bin Laden, he's free...

The Big Dubya Don't Bother With the Fine Print Award:

When we met last year our troop levels in Iraq were on the rise. Today, because of the progress just described, we are implementing a policy of return on success, and the surge forces we sent to Iraq are beginning to come home.

...which will give them a full extra month to prepare for their redeployment to Pakistan. And remember, kids, if you don't return, it's because you weren't successful, nobody likes a loser.

And last, The Big Dubya Bullshittin' My Skinny White Ass Off Award:

...we must trust in the wisdom of our founders and empower judges who understand that the Constitution means what it says.

Except for that part about separation of powers and that stupid Bill of Rights thing, what in the hell were the founders thinking with that nonsence, eh? They must have been smoking a little Mount Vernon hemp that day. Bunch of revolutionary hippies in power frock coats and wigs, like the Psychedelic Beatles meet Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Fear not, America, we've fixed it. Move along, nothing to see here - and that's an order.

Honorable Mention, The Big Dubya Riddin' Shotgun Award goes to Dick Cheney.
Honorable Mention, The Big Dubya Limp Dishrag Award goes to Nancy Pelosi.

What a great show, thanks for coming, folks. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Remember, use courier ten point fonts in your emails to streamline the NSA datamining and text parsing process, smile when Countrywide comes knocking because a positive attitude makes for a positive foreclose experience, and be sure to tip your TSA agent. God Bless America and good night.


  1. Hee! Glad to see you're back in fabulous form, Jim.

  2. Jim,

    How is it that you managed to keep your head from exploding all those years you had to refrain from commenting on our Commander in Chief?

    BTW, I'm not sure if it was the same sentence you noted, but somewhere during the speech, GF turned to me and said, "How many months do you think he's been rehearsing that line?"

  3. I am so glad I managed to avoid the SOTU last night, though I will read the transcript tonight. With Jim's suggested beverage, Pepto-Bismol, at hand.

  4. I had to grin at the word "embolden" last night. Is that a word? Do we really want articulation-challenged Dubya adding words to our lexicon?

    Great, hilarious analysis.

    I wrote about it too... but more generally about what the SOTU is not, rather than an analysis of what it was. LOL

  5. Well, I gotta tell you embolden the purveyors of false populism in our hemisphere is gonna stick with me for a while.

    Nathan, it wasn't easy, the Clinton years weren't any picnic either - even if he did sign my commission and two commendations. But, you take an oath, and either you keep your word or you don't. Believe me, when I was on active duty, I made damned sure I supported the CinC, no matter who he was, fully, especially in front of my men - because I gave my word to do so.

    But, now you know why I retired.

  6. Jim Jim Jim;
    You mislead all with the fully support comment. OK in action and in word in uniform yep that was the line to toe but as we both know and I will include Janiece in this, there were times in our own private living rooms when the tirades could peel the paint, kill the plants and send the pet of choice into a howling or mewling frenzie. It's the free thought and ability to express our views that kept us in even during the Clinton years of inaction and hand wringing. OK the Bush years were wrought with poor action but action none the less. I stand with those we served, still communicate with a number of them and am still discouraged by the misuse of their talents as they augment the Army and National Guard in garrison instead of working in their trained field. OK not all of them but a heck of a lot of them are there for something they are not trained for and all 2.5 weeks of marching and firing a weapon do not a Soldier from a Sailor make. Today I got another email from yet another underqualified person going off to Afghanistan to track truck movements and so that is the basis of my comment. I know there are SEALs, former support element types and some pretty heavy hittin MA, CB and GMs going too and I salute their bravery and committment, but run of the mill CT is not prepared for time on the ground kickin in doors and rounding up terrorists. Again I would think it may be time to pull out of Germany and Japan (it's been long enough and the Cold War is over) and maybe set some sort of timeline to get the hell out of Iraq and Afghanistan too. I'm just sayin!

  7. Beastly,

    Well, yeah, you are correct, Sir. Amongst ourselves we spoke what we felt, but I know you and I know you did the same as me, Senior Chief, because I saw you do it. In front of our people, we did what we had to do, always.

    And you are correct, I've raised hell for four years now, about sending aircraft mechanics and computer techs to drive truck convoys through the Sunni Triangle, and kick in doors, and man fire bases north of Kandahar (but the Army isn't stretched thin, oh, no sir), I was a hell of a lot better prepared for the shit I ended up in, but I shouldn't have doing it either. I notice he didn't mention any of the that last night.

  8. I purposely tuned of the radio so I didn't have to listen to the SOTU. About six years I lost the ability to laugh about the situation, and now just hearing his voice makes me start twitching.

    In fact, I read and was amused by the first several of your comments, then started to hear his voice and had to move on. So I was only able to appreciate part of your humor.

    But I liked what I read until my head started to explode.

    I think TNH put it best: I resent the way this administration makes me feel like a nutbar conspiracy theorist.

  9. Yeah, trust and empower.

    But they're just words, so we can distrust everyone, and take power away from everyone but my guys.

    Just words.

  10. Michelle, it's not just you. I loved the way the WaPo put "probably" in their coverage. Check out this from Wonkette

  11. The other irony in "trust the people" is that it's coming from a Commander in Chief who's proven that he's untrustworthy. In my opinion, that reduces the value of the word trust, coming from his mouth, to zip.

    Tania... LOL on the probably.

  12. Jim, I know that this 2 1/2 years after you blogged this but I have only recently become a believer... or more accurately, a reader! As a recently retired Army Warrant Officer, I agree that 2 1/2 weeks does not a soldier a sailor make but I do salute the Sea Service for standing up and manning the lines for us! Unlike the other service who now makes their personnel deploy for a WHOLE 6 months...


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