I’ve finally discovered a way to monetize Stonekettle Station.
At last, the reason I got into blogging in the first place will be realized.
Step 4: Profit. Oh yes. At long last!
See, recently, a number of professional writers, such as John Scalzi and Josh Olsen, have published articles on why they will not read your screenplay, manuscript, or unpublished pile of paper that purports to be a novel.
This appears to be a very sensitive topic for a rather large number of folks on both sides of the issue. I don’t want to resort to hyperbole, but I don’t think it is an exaggeration to say that healthcare reform pales in comparison. The term “fistful of auk vomit” was even bandied about on Scalzi’s Whatever by a certain famous writer and curmudgeon. The phrase “Donkey Balls” was also invoked. Truly, this topic brings out the worst in people.
Scalzi, Olsen, and the famous curmudgeon have taken some serious heat over their refusal to read the scribblings of random strangers. They’ve been called variously selfish dicks, pretentious dicks, whiny dicks, and dickish dicks. Yet, they remain steadfast in their refusal, the dicks.
I know opportunity when I see it.
If the world’s leading writers won’t give you the time of day, don’t despair, Little Trooper. I, a world renown blogger, raconteur, artist, world traveler, and professional military officer will read your manuscript and give you the constructive feedback you so rightly deserve. Hell, the opinion of a retired US Navy Chief Warrant Officer is easily worth that of your wife, two neighbors, John Scalzi’s Fluffy Cat, and the sour demented ghost of James Tiptree Jr. combined.
Simply fill out the following form and submit your masterpiece to Stonekettle Station.
Fame, glory, riches, and chicks for free are sure to follow.
Title of your award winning novel/manuscript/screenplay__________________________________
Total number of pages________ Total number of pages you actually expect me to read_______________
What is the original plot of your original manuscript?
___ In the end it turns out to be Adam and Eve (Surprise!)
___ People are food!
___ Raccoons Discover Fire!
___ The Internet Discovers Fire!
Type of critique you’d like:
___ Honest (No, really, be honest, OK not really)
___ Honest (Just kidding, lie to me)
___ Please blow smoke up my ass until my colon is like beef jerky
___ I’ll write it, you just sign it
Author you’d like to be compared to:
___ Robert Heinlein
___ Ayn Rand
___ Dr Seuss
___ Doctor Spock
Book you’d like me to mention in the review:
___ Starship Troopers
___ What To Expect When You’re Expecting
___ Mein Kampf
Award you’d like me to say you’re a shoe-in for:
___ Tasty Pudding
Music I should listen to while
slogging through your steaming pile of auk vomit reading the brilliant pearls of your toil:
___ Dire Straits, Money For Nothing, Chicks For Free
___ Gorillaz, Fire Coming Out of the Monkey’s Head
___ Offspring, She’s Got Issues
___ William Shatner, Rocket Man
Phrase you prefer to use in public in reference to my review:
___ Jim is steeped in Jackassery
___ Jim is chock full of dickishness
___ Jim sucks Donkey Balls
___ You Lie!
Boon you’d like to ask of me:
___ Use my in with John Scalzi to shop your manuscript to Stargate Universe producers
___ Introduce you to Sarah Palin
___ Tell you amusing stories about my cats
___ Gratuitous Sex
How you expect to compensate me for my efforts:
___ Brief mention on your crappy website
___ You’ll sue me, claiming I stole your original Adam and Eve Are Robots idea
___ Scream incoherent hatred and spread lies about my manhood on the Internet
___ Gratuitous Sex
Please staple your manuscript to the back of this form. Enclose a money order for $100 (no checks. I don’t take checks from writers, sorry. You understand). Mail flat in a large legal sized envelop (this is very important, folded manuscripts jam my paper shredder, this pisses me off). Allow 4-6 years for processing (i.e. for me to steal your idea, write it better, and sell it to Hollywood for obscene gobs of moola, who will turn it into a B-list thriller staring Demi Moore’s silicon augmented rack. Yowza).
* Note: I make absolutely no bones about fairness or impartiality. Better bribes get you better reviews. Bribes also get your competition adverse reviews. I am in no way opposed to a bidding war, just sayin’ - as long as you’re sending money, I’m willing to entertain you. As Randy Quaid, the drunk pilot in Independence Day said, keep ‘em coming, keep ‘em coming.