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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

But, what about the zombies?



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Gorillas? Large Sharks? an Elephant?

I'm confident that I could fend off a mildly irritated declawed house cat, but a giant prehistoric reptilian carnivore?

21 comments:

  1. Yeah yeah yeah...

    Jim does it all again.

    ;)

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  2. Well, I think the fact that I said I was an expert with gun and knife tilted things in my favor.

    But seriously, an elephant?

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  3. Maybe that's where climbing trees and running really fast combine well with shooting things?

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  4. Well, I don't run particularly fast these days, most of my left side from shoulder to foot is a mess. But, you know, if I was being pursued by something big intent on eating me, I'm pretty sure I could manage an Olympic caliber sprint.

    Tree climbing I can do, like a friggin' monkey.

    But I think I got the high score for weapons proficiency, which would figure, given my background.

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  5. Without divulging my scores, let's just say I'm not the most dangerous game. In fact, I'm a total waste of your time, Zaroff, so fuck off and go pick on someone else!

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  6. Also, note to self: don't go hunting with Jim, since he clearly can outrun me and the bear....

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  7. he clearly can outrun me and the bear

    I don't have to outrun the bear, Eric, only you ;)

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  8. But see, that's where Mr. Bear has to ask himself a question: Big Mac or Lean Cuisine? If he wants to pig out, sure, I'm tender and well-marbled. But I may just take him out with me if he's not watching his cholesterol. On the other hand, if he's one of these athletic bears who's been trying to slim down for the ladies, he might just keep on running past me (not too difficult, obviously), to go for something a little healthier.

    (Yes, I know they say that bears don't eat people. They would. They're scared of what the bears will do to them if they let the public know the hideous truth: that bears came to this planet because human flesh is a rare delicacy on the ursine homeworld. But the bears aren't stupid--although there was a push to harvest us all at once, the bears remember what over-hunting did on the world we call "Mars" and so they made a horrifying deal with our rulers. Take so many a year, leave the rest alone to breed, and don't do anything substantive about pollution--they like the "smoked" flavoring and slow-roasting helps us retain our juices. It's all in my book, that I wrote and researched myself, "The Ursa Conspiracy," which if you buy it now I'll print up a copy at Kinko's and even include a free blueprint for a hat you can make yourself out of aluminum foil to repel the bears' telepathy rays, which will make you invisible to their radar.)

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  9. Did I mention the ursine homeworld is called Bearth and orbits Merak? I might have left that out. Beary, beary important fact. Erm.

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  10. "Yes, I know they say that bears don't eat people."

    They say that about sharks, too.

    As my wife points out, the average bear or shark does not prefer people. But in every population you have the stupid, the lazy, and the psychotic.

    How do you konw the bear you are dealing with is not a nutcase?

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  11. I'd actually say that the (wild) bear population probably has a better mental health profile than the (wild) human population.

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  12. And the wild bear population makes good chili, the wild human population on the other just tastes gamey.

    what?

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  13. Really? I would have expected a heavy chemical aftertaste, all things considered.

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  14. Sorry to have to disagree, Michelle, but based on some of the films I've seen, bears have unhealthy relationships with small children, friends whose behavior can only be explained by serious cocaine habits or mental illness, and suffer from some kind of eating disorder that inevitably leads to self-destructive behaviors (OCD? Selective eating disorder? And is the observed obesity a direct consequence of the disorder or an indirect consequence of diabetes triggered by the eating disorder?).

    In any case, bears are pretty messed up.

    ---

    Jim: bear chilli? I didn't think the stuffing would be edible. But if it is, I'll bet it's all that honey that sweetens it up....

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  15. Unfortunately Eric, I do not think that your example qualifies as a wild bear.

    And everyone knows that tame animals, whether in a zoo or laboratory setting, are far more likely to suffer from mental illness.

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  16. You've obviously never seen him dance.

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  17. ...

    (and here I was expecting a discussion about zombies...)

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  18. Well, I feel like a zombie today, or at least what I imagine zombies feel like when they have a headache.

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  19. Zombies with headaches have it worse, Jim: whenever a zombie with a headache moans, "Braaaaaaaaains," and reaches for the Advil, everybody around him screams and runs away. Poor, poor misunderstood zombies. At least you'll get sympathy from your friends; the zombie gets nothing but grief.

    (Sorry you're still suffering.)

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  20. Heh, the stated topic in one of my chat channels says "You cannot be both pro-life and anti-zombie."
    No idea what the context of that assertion was, but it's an interesting thing to ponder anyhow. ;)

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  21. Well, I cheated a bit on my answers but I did pretty well on the results. Not as well as Mary-Jim-Sue, but ok. ;)

    Climbing trees. Heh.

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