Monday, March 16, 2009

Don’t Complain To Me About How Bad Things Are, If…

… we’re standing in line at Wal-Mart and you’ve got a high-def LCD large screen TV in your cart, because it would be silly to spend your tax return on bills.

… you’re driving a brand new $50,000 Lincoln Navigator with gold trim and custom rims that gets 9 miles per gallon. And you buy a new one, every two years, because otherwise people you don’t actually know but you pass on the street might think you’re totally lame or something.

… you buy a $7.00 coffee at Starbucks, every day. Sometimes twice.

… you’ve got a shopping cart full of frozen pizzas, a dozen boxes of Pop Tarts, cases of soda, and a load of nutritionally-zero expensive name brand prepared foods, because you don’t like to cook.

… you’re surfing the internet on a $500 cell phone and a $110 per month service charge, because your twitter feeds are important, damn it.

… you’re spending $120 a piece for hockey tickets, because it’s hockey. The Wings are playing, Dude. Besides you all chipped in on the limo…

… you spent $500 this month on online poker, but hey, you’re gonna hit it big real soon now. Real soon.

… you just bought the latest $50 edition of Grand Theft Auto, and a new Xbox360 to play it on, because you just totally had to have it.

… you eat out more often than not, because, as you mentioned somewhere above, you don’t like to cook.

… you quit your job, because your boss was being like a total dick. Because really, screw him, you don’t need to put up with that kind of shit.

… you’re taking a two week vacation on a tropical island this year, because you’re just soooo sick of winter and you need to recharge those batteries.

… your 10-year old goes to school in a $120 pair of “pre-faded, pre-stressed” designer jeans with holes in the knees, because her self esteem depends on it.

… you’re getting a big bonus this year, and you expected it.

… you regularly send money to a TV evangelist, because God thinks it's more important to fight gay marriage in California than for your kids to have decent winter clothes.

… you just bought $2000 worth of guns and ammunition, before the liberals take them all away, because, Dude, liberals. Yikes.

And finally, don’t talk to me about the economy if…

… you have no idea why everything is going to shit, but you’re absolutely certain it must be the fault of [insert scapegoat of choice: Obama, The Jews, The Muslims, The Godless Atheists Who Are Ruining Our Schools, The Liberals, The Media, The Liberal Media, Illegal Aliens, The Poor, The Socialists, The Chinese, The Japanese, The British, The Cowardly French, The Goddamned Mexicans, Martians, NAFTA, Time Traveling Reptiles, Inter-dimensional seven foot tall intelligent Insects, or a secret cabal of Masons called the Illuminati] and you’re pretty sure Sarah Palin would have fixed everything by now if only Tina Fey and the Democrats hadn’t stolen the election*. Really, just shut the hell up. Thanks.


* Note: Why yes, I did overhear two Valley dwelling, mouth breathing dipshits in the Wal-Mart bathroom this weekend, expounding loudly on how Sarah would have had the economy fixed by now if that goddamnitliberalobama hadn’t stolen, stolen damn it, the election. Stolen. Damn it.

You don’t think I could make this shit up, do you?


  1. Ah, Wal-Mart. Is there no blog-fodder you can't provide?

    It almost makes me want to go there to get some fresh ideas.


  2. Jim goes to Wal-Mart so we don't have to.

    (And so help me, I'm glad I don't have to. Besides. The best deals are at thrift stores!)

  3. You goddam pansy-assed, pinko, commie, Inter-dimensional seven foot tall intelligent Insect lover you!

    (Sorry. It had to be said.)

  4. I'd rather eat lint than go to Wal Mart.

    Luckily, I don't have to do either.

  5. Well, you're missing out on blog posting material, Michelle. Just sayin'.

    And as I've mentioned, I don't get a lot of options for some things.

  6. Jim, I work at a university, in West Virginia.

    Trust me, I'm surrounded by material. It's just that most of it gets shortened to Twitter length. :)

  7. I wish you were making this shit up, but, unfortunately, I don't think you are!

  8. Really, Jerry, I'm not - and I could have made this list a lot longer.

  9. Just about the time you figure the first fifty days of the Obama administration has gone better than you imagined it might, you listen to local talk radio -- and they just HATE Obama. And Hilary. And, and, and... all of THEM.

    Dr. Phil

  10. Well, I'll say that so far, the first 50 days of the Obama administration have been a hell of a lot better than the last 500 days of the Bush administration.

    Just sayin.

    Of course, according to Deadeye Dick Cheney, we're all doomed because of Obama. But that is tomorrow's post.

  11. I never get such good stories when I go into Walmart. I try to make exposure minimal, though, so I rarely spend more than 30 minutes in one if at all possible.

  12. Yeah, Jim, how come all I get are the 500 lb people taking up all the motorized shopping carts when a cane-using vet wearing a 101st Airborne ballcap with a Goddamn Bastogne pin is walking around the store?

    Watching the dude who could jump up in the air and get stuck drive past the paratrooper with the bad hip walking in the bread aisle was probably the most surreal and / or disgusting thing I've seen at Wal-Mart.

  13. John, just so you know, there's a distinct possibility that he would have turned down a cart.

    My grandmother refuses to use such things--she wants the exercise, little as it may be. And tends to make comments like, "I'm not that bad off yet" when offered.

  14. Jim, that tops my WTF moment, which was listening to a guy who spent 30+ years as a government researcher and retired on a pension bitch about "too much government spending."

    I decided suggesting that we start by cutting his pension would be impolite.

  15. Was watching the Newshour with Jim Lehrer last night, they had Reps. Barney Frank and Scott Garrett talking about the AIG mess. Mr. Garrett kept on saying about how Geitner gave AIG all this money and didn't ask anything for it so it was on on Geitner's and this administration's head. Which, then, Barney Frank being Barney Frank, gently corrected the record reminding Garrett that it was Paulson who gave all the money without getting oversite or conditions. Which then Mr. Garrett completely ignored in his next comments continuing to blame Geitner.

    That was the first time I think I shouted, "Just smack him, Barney. Just smack him," at the TV.

    Yeah, it's all the liberal's fault. The conservatives smell like roses and sunshine.

  16. I get all the stoopidity I need from MARTA - the local public transportation system.

    The nearest Wal-Mart to me is accessible by MARTA, but it's an extra bus ride on a route that has been adjusted one too many times to make it easy or convienient for me. I get to the Wal-Mart near my parents home 3 states away more than the one a few miles from my house!

    So I stick with two very easy to access Targets, two nearby grocery stores, with an occasional foray to Borders, Michael's or a quilt shop. You know, neccessities like books & craft materials!

    Between Target and MARTA, I get all the comment fodder I could ever need.



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