Friday, March 13, 2009

From the Spam Folder

This week’s batch of creative spam.


Well, see, except this is also apparently Dr. Gretchen West, Dr. Barry Gorur (in drag I’m guessing), Dr. Rosaline Kidd, Dr. Goldie Moore, Dr. Donna Claude, and about fifteen other “Doctors” of various names. Clones I’m guessing. Seriously, if you’re going to include a random name with a picture of a skanky ho, you probably shouldn’t be sending it multiple times with multiple names to the same address, Dumbass. Also, I did not visit your website and I don’t need my life changed, I like it just the way it is. Skank free. Thanks.

Be like a 16-year old in bed! Inexperienced? Clumsy? Over enthusiastic? Not having a clue as to what you’re doing? Hair trigger? Not particularly discriminating? Not really sure how all the parts fit together? Drunk? Reeking of Clearasil Zit Cream? Afraid your folks are going to catch you? Alone?

Men will see your power in every public shower! Aren’t there laws against this sort of thing?

Give her 3-hour rodeo! Ever hear the one about rodeo sex? See when you’re making love to your wife, you slap her on the ass really hard and say “That’s how my girlfriend likes it!” …Then you try to stay on for eight seconds, Yeehah!

Give her animal desire! Uh, uh, uh, you know I’m not even going to touch this one. And you keep your girlfriend away from my dog, I’m warning you. He bites.

You can forge the perfect male thing yourself like a professional blacksmith. 2500 degree cherry red furnace, molten metal glowing white hot, giant iron mallet, sparks flying, big sweaty guy with bulging biceps and forearms like Popeye in a pair of assless chaps … you with your male thing on the anvil…

Now you don’t have to get bigger shoes to trick women around you. Does this work? Really? Because I’ve got a set of size 12 Knee High Baffin Boots out in the shop…

Even if you are ugly women will still want to sleep with you. And if you’re not ugly you’ll have to beat the bitches off with a stick!

We’ll hamper your confidence! I don’t think “hamper” means what you think it means.

Women will stare at your bulge with their mouth open! Oh, they already do, they already do.

How to eliminate all your yacht or boat expense NOW! Sink that son of a bitch and collect the insurance! Run drugs from Columbia to Miami for South American drug lords! Smuggle in Illegals from China! Seriously nothing chaps my ass like those pesky yacht expenses.

Win the manhood fight every time! Pole vaulting? Sword fighting like gladiators? Jousting, naked on horseback? Wrestling? That must be what they meant about public showers.

Deeper into her entrails! Entrails? What am I, Hannibal the cannibal Lector? Jesus Christ.

Now you can poke your big impressing tool into everybody’s business! Hey, it’ll be just like an Italian subway! Poke poke. Chicks dig that. This is especially effective if you're a teacher and it's tenure review day in front of the school board...

Authentic Fake University Diplomas. I can picture the interview now: and here’s my credentials. They look fake. Oh, they are, absolutely authentic fakes. Excellent. So about this job here at the art museum? Yeah, you’ll be certifying all our incoming forgeries as authentic. Cool, right up my alley.

Hey, it’s Friday, what were you expecting?

Enjoy your weekend, and try not to stick your big impressive tool where it don’t belong, eh?


  1. My spam has been especially boring lately, but yesterday I got a hit based on a search for "I'm pregnant by my father-in-law".

    What? That's not good?

  2. Well, best search hit yet today is

    "How to stop smelly dishrag?"

    I dunno, put it in the dishwasher once in a while? Just stabbing in the dark here.

  3. But yeah, yours is definitely better, Nathan. Really, you keep it.

  4. My spam filter must be keeping all the good stuff.
    Deeper into her entrails? REALLY? Must be a "special" lady.

  5. You keep your thing off my anvil!

    Dr. Phil

  6. And here I keep getting the "Christian Dating Service" spam.

  7. Lucky... I get the 'Christian Lending' ones. And all the ones where I can practice my Russian banking, economist, or information tech schooling - really, I was getting rusty.

    Is being hampered with confidence like suffering from ample self-esteem?

  8. I've seen an uptick in spam lately. It's still going to the junkmail folder, but there's more of it landing there than used to. Methinks the spammers have stumbled across some new filter-evasion technique, the bastards.

    "How to stop smelly dishrag?"

    The mental image I instantly get is of somebody cowering on the floor in the corner of a darkened kitchen, using a mop or broom to try to push away a sodden, lumpy (and of course, smelly) dishrag that tries to slither towards them, making Grrrr, grrrr noises as it tries to reach its prey.

    Yeah, that's how my mind works. You all already knew that, though, right?

  9. My most recent spam announced that I had won The Mobil Petroleum Lottery:

    Mobil Centre,
    SE1 18NA London,
    United Kingdom.

    Attention: Lucky Winner


    The Mobil Petroleum Lottery Company - London wishes to congratulate you on your success as one of our Ten ( 10 ) Star Oil Lottery Prize Winner in this Years 2009 Lottery that was conducted over the internet with our automated e-mail selecting machine.

    You have been declared a Lucky Winner of £500,000.00 (Five Hundred Thousand Pound Sterling)

    As part of the information requested, they want to know if I've aged and if I'm having sex. Or something like that.

  10. Today's spam includes:


    Seriously, I'm going to look at Pharmacy spam from "Loserton"? And anyways, my spam counts have jumped up from a factor of 3-4 in the last week. Grrr.

    Dr. Phil

  11. Sunday spam highlight...

    Don't get ripped off my fakes anymore

    I'm assuming it might be "by fakes", but "my fakes" is more amusing -- and I won't get ripped off by deleting your fakes straight away. Glad to oblige.

    Dr. Phil

  12. My spam counts are way up, both at home and at work. Lately though, there's also been the "business arrangement" emails which are very much like Nigerian 401s, but they want to sell me something. Bulk. Like oil. Really?

    I can see the pharmacy viagra things (did you know that Pfizer pays the company that won the generic business to not make generic viagra, like a few hundred million a year, given that the pills still retail for $12 or so, I know where they're getting that money), but oil? A few crate loads of cheap plastic crap? Who goes in for these things?

    And wait, not only have I won the Spanish Lottery, but the Italian and Swiss one as well. I'm RICH!

  13. I am continually astonished how the stuff actually works.

    Couple weeks ago I received a question from my father-in-law about if the "$12,000 in government grants in 30 days" email he received was real.

    Fortunately with 10 minutes of research I was able to show him that the site mentioned was fake (there were several other ones exactly the same with the same picture but different names) - however, sadly many people are real victims of this kind of thing even today.

  14. Spam counts coming through from an organization I belong to have jumped in the last couple of weeks as well AND google spam filter is not catching all of them either.

    Some were even in Russian. HUH?

    I'll find some juicy ones for the list when I get home tonight. Then I've got to forward a couple to the webmaster for our group to see if he can tighten the filters on his end.


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