President-elect Barack Obama will set foot inside the Oval Office for the first time Monday as he meets with President Bush to talk about the problems his incoming administration will face.
Through various unsavory means, Stonekettle Station managed to obtain the official unedited Oval Office transcripts of this historic meeting:
GWB: Who's there?
Secret Service Agent: It's me, Mr President. Obama is arriving.
GWB: Obama who?
Secret Service Agent: (sigh)President Elect Barrack Obama, sir.
GWB: Oh, heh heh, I thought you said my mama was here.
Secret Service Agent: That joke just gets funnier every time, Mr President.
GWB: Well, I'm a funny guy, everybody says so.
Secret Service Agent: You're a card, Sir. Do you want to meet him on the lawn?
GWB: Crap! This can't be happening! Are you sure it's actually him and not a, you know, terrorist? We can't be too careful. All those people look the same to me.
Secret Service Agent: Those people? You do realize that I'm actually African America, right? And that I'm armed?
GWB: I...uh...meant democrats. All democrats look the same to me.
Secret Service Agent: Of course, Sir. And it's definitely him.
GWB: How can you tell?
Secret Service Agent: From the cheering.
GWB: Ooooooh, is that what that noise is? I've never heard that before.
Secret Service Agent: You will, Sir, you will.
GWB: Really? When?
Secret Service Agent: January 20th, Sir. I guarantee it.
GWB: Well, I appreciate your loyalty, Bob.
Secret Service Agent: It's Leonard, Sir.
GWB: Can we wait here for him, Bob?
Secret Service Agent: Yes, we can ... Sir.
GWB: Better yet, go offer him a cup of coffee or something, give me a couple of minutes.
Secret Service Agent: uh...that's not really my job.
GWB: Oh for crying out loud. Fine. Then don't just stand there, get in here and give me a hand!
Secret Service Agent: Sir?
GWB: This place is a freakin' mess, help me straighten up. Quick!
Secret Service Agent: That's not really my job either, Sir.
GWB: Hey! I'm the President!
Secret Service Agent: (sotto voice) Not for much longer, bitch.
GWB: What was that?
Secret Service Agent: Nothing. (touches his ear piece) President Elect Obama is in the hall, Sir, should I let him in?
GWB: Wait! I've got some very important intelligence reports I need to secure first. Here, eat these!
Secret Service Agent: Aren't those pictures of Sarah Palin's backside?
GWB: Hey, Laura liked Palin's pantsuits! That's all. I didn't even look at them, I swear. And those are Republican duds, we can't let them fall into Democrat hands! Quick eat the pictures!
Secret Service Agent: I'm allergic to Kodak, Sir, you'll have to do it.
GWB: What about taking a bullet for me? Huh? What about that? It might be time for a couple of changes around here!
Secret Service Agent: I can believe in change, Sir.
::Sound of door opening::
Secret Service Agent: May I present President Elect Barrack Obama!
GWB: (swallowing) Mr. President Elect! Whatsssup, my brother! Gimme a fist jab up high!
Obama: Yeah, I meant, where's Dick?
GWB: Oh, I thought you were calling me a dick. Heh, heh.
Obama: Never crossed my mind, George.
GWB: Vice President Cheney is at an undisclosed location.
Obama: Hmmm, I was hoping to get a pass-down from the guy in charge.
GWB: That's me!
Obama: Riiight. Sorry.
GWB: Hey! How about a cup of coffee? Bob, get us some coffee would you?
Secret Service Agent: It's Leonard, Sir.
GWB: He's new.
Secret Service Agent: I've been here for eight years, Sir!
GWB: Such kidders, those security guys! The coffee, Bob, chop chop. Oh! Hey, do you drink coffee? I mean is it forbidden by your culture?
Obama: My ... culture?
GWB: Hey! It's OK, I'm very open minded! Admiral Akbar and all of that!
Obama: Admiral Akbar? You mean Allah Akbar?
GWB: Oh sorry, no insult to your Admiral intended.
Obama: Are you sure, Dick's not around? Really?
GWB: Oh, you can never be sure what he's up to. Don't worry, (whispering) he hears everything.
Obama: Maybe we could look at some paperwork? Starting with the Executive Orders?
GWB: You're not thinking about canceling any of those are you?
Obama: Maybe just a few.
GWB: Whoa! Slow down there, Hussein. A lot of intellectualating went into those! Don't forget, I had a mandate from the people! Let's not forget history here!
Obama: Well, I'm sure history won't forget you.
GWB: Exactly, that's what I'm sayin' is all. Hey! Come over here! Check out the desk. Cool, huh? Bet you never had a desk like this one before! This one was made by Jesus, no offense. He was a carpenter! What did your guy do? I forget.
Obama: Look, I'd like to discuss the situation in Iraq.
GWB: What's your hurry? Iraq's not going anywhere. Check out the desk. I hope you have better luck with the secret compartment than I did. That's my one regret.
Obama: Secret compartment?
GWB: Yeah, like in that movie, National Treasure! I looked, man, for like a week. Nothing, except for a box of stale cigars under one drawer, two Soviet era bugs and one Israeli, and a pair of panties with "MM" embroidered on the ass. I tried calling Nick Cage, but that liberal bastard wouldn't return my messages!
Obama: Yeah, about the economy?
GWB: You're just not getting this, are you? If we can find the secret compartment - we'll find the Templar treasure!
Obama: Um, I think you're mixing up sequels - it was the City of Gold.
GWB: Hell, that's even better!
Obama: I'm really not following you here.
GWB: That's OK, I had a hard time at first too. This President thing is hard, and I don't mean hard like Clinton. If you know what I'm sayin! Heh, heh.
Obama: I don't, really.
GWB: Look, City of Gold, we find that and the economy problem is solved man!
Obama: That's your plan?
GWB: Hell yeah!
Obama: Maybe I'll just come back in January.
GWB: Don't be trying to take credit for my plan!
Obama: Don't worry.
Secret Service Agent: See, you in four weeks, Mr President.
Obama: You too, Leonard.
:::Door opens and closes:::
GWB: Geez, that guy is dense. You ever see anything like that in this office, Bob?
Secret Service Agent: Not in two hundred and thirty years.
GWB: You said you've only been here eight years, Bob, try to keep your story straight, will you? Here, help me carry this out to the car.
Secret Service Agent: What is it?
GWB: It's a bag with all the "B" and "O" keys from all the White House computer keyboards.