Thursday, January 3, 2008

A Truly Excellent Idea, truly

The satirical web 'newspaper' NewsBiscuit cracks me up.

Sports Cars to display drivers' penis size - now there's an interesting idea.

Did you ever try to pass a middle-aged guy in a Camero?


Ever been tooling up the highway and come upon a Camaro, or a Mach 1, or a Mustang, or some other 70's muscle car doing about 50 in the fast lane? And you swing right on cruise-control into the slow lane (grumbling under your breath about idiots that can't seem to grasp the basic left lane fast/right lane slow concept), and as you sail past you realize that the other driver is not some kid, but well into prime middle-aged crisis territory? (yeah, your age). And as you lock eyes over the rap music playing so painfully loud you can hear it through your closed window, you can see the outrage and the personal effrontery on their face?

That's right, I said effrontery - arrogant, audacious behavior that someone really isn't entitled to. You can see it on their botoxed faces, right above the chin implant and below the hair plugs - it's an expression similar to indignation. An expression that screams, "Hey! You can't pass me, I'm driving a Chevy Camaro here!" Then they slam down the gas pedal and roar away in a cloud of 4-barrel carbureted fumes, leaving you humiliated and humbled by their virile manliness.

And 20 minutes later, what do you come upon? Why the same guy, doing about 50 in the fast lane - yeah, 70's muscle cars didn't come with cruise control, and Viagra does exactly dick for long-term concentration (or so I'm told).

It would be just so much easier if we just made them put their age and the length of their, uh, muscle car on the fender.

Note: Yes, today I am deliberately ignoring the Iowa Caucus (because, really, it's like going to McDonalds at 2AM and getting a stale, cold, 6-hour old fillet-O-fish and some soggy fries - you know what you're going to get, but it's the only thing open), Huckabee's pathetic guitar playing on Leno (though I'm pretty sure I've seen him on the road in a Camaro), and Britney's lawyerly abandonment (because, apparently even the lawyers attached lamprey-like to her coke-dusted, booze-farting ass have had enough of her silly stupid shit).


  1. Now I have to find something else for "Who Cares" tomorrow, since you've taken the Britney thing. Grumble, grumble.

    And yeah, mid-life crisis with muscle cars. I, too, plan on getting a sports car for myself, because I think it will look good on me. But I won't drive 50 in the fast lane. I'll drive 50 in the slow lane. And it will have nothing to do with my penis size.

  2. Personally, I compensate for my inadequacies with a souped-up Pentium Quad-core duo with a really big hard drive...

  3. And, Janiece, there's enough Britney for everybody, Baby.

  4. I'd actually like a Cooper Mini.

    I have no idea what that says about my...

  5. Hmm, and I bought a Honda Civic Value Package...

    Nope, I'm perfectly fine with that. that engine just keeps cranking out and I get a lot of mileage out of it, and I also pass those Cameros.

    Wait, what were we talking about?

    Also, I have the Jeff Dunham "Spark of Insanity" DVD, he cracks on owning a Prius which is blue ("Sparkely... hey, I did that a little too well."). So right now I thinking in Peanut's fake Japanese voice (when thinking, "Hey, what if this show is on Comedy Central and it's sponsored by Toyota.") "Hey, he make a fun of our car...:"

  6. Well, I drive a big honking GMC crew cab Sierra - but I need it to haul wood back from the mill.

    Big truck, wood, hmmm.

    I'm not sure what that says about me.


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