Friday, January 4, 2008

Please Make It Stop

OK, no TV today.

I'm still in pain this morning, the shoulder is better, but it hurts to turn my head. The pain in my neck caused me to wake up with a headache - which isn't surprising, since I went to bed with one.

Then I turned on the news - and it was like somebody jammed an icepick through my eye.

Somebody do me a favor - hold Britney Spears' head under water until she stops twitching. Please. Honestly, does anybody expect this empty-headed twit to live a long and happy life? Eventually she's going to commit suicide, or overdose, or drive her BMW through a Starbucks and over a cliff. It's inevitable. So, let's just get it over with, then the rest of us can get on with our business. Cold? Heartless? Yeah, that's me. I don't know what's more revolting, her drug-addled commando nihilism or the crazed mob of camera waving human diarrhea that camp out at the end of her driveway, or the fact that people the world over are actually interested in this woman's train wreck of a life.

Oh wait, as it turns out I do know what is more revolting - Huckabee's tent-revival smugness this morning, Praise JeeeZus! See, that's the problem with democracy - we have to let the idiots vote, and there's more and more idiots every day. The same people that compulsively surf the internet for pictures of Britney's nasty girl gadget are the ones who think the Huckster will make a good President - you know, because he's a preacher. Just what we need, another squinty-eyed conservative retard in the Oval Office who thinks Jesus talks to him personally.

Way to go Iowa.

Since Britney's career is basically head first in the toilet, maybe she could be Huck's running mate. Why the hell not? Look at it this way, since we've managed to turn our government into a joke anyway - let's go big. The whole world is laughing at us already, I say let's laugh with them.

Think about it - Huck and Brit. There's some real advantages here:

1) No more evil vice president who secretly runs things from behind the scenes. Britney couldn't organize a salad fight down at the Beverly Hills Taco Bell. Hell, she doesn't even get out of bed before 2PM, honestly how much damage could she do?

2) Major energy and time savings. Consolidating the frothing mobs of reporters who follow both Britney and the VP around into one group saves us all time and money. We'd get both our political and entertainment news all in one shot. Think of the savings! And truthfully American Politics and the Entertainment Industry aren't really all that different. Think about it, both generate mindless followers, heaps of money, bullshit, and crazy religious twaddle faster than an L. Ron Hubbard brain washing. Let's lump it all together and simplify the process, that's what I'm talking about.

3) Huck's a Republican Conservative, an ordained Baptist minister, the bass player in the band Capital Offense, and he used to be the Governor of Arkansas - now, you tell me, is that a recipe for a little cigar smoking in the Oval Office or what? With Britney as the VP, well, at least he won't have to go far afield - cheap nasty sex complete with VD, booze, drugs, and scandal all in one convenient package. Just saying.

4) Truthfully, when Britney shaved her head, didn't she look a lot like Dick Cheney from the ribcage up? And at the rate Britney's pounding down the booze, jowls and the spider-veined red nose aren't far away. Put a pair of glasses on her and we wouldn't even have to change the VP pictures in every government building. More savings for the tax payer.

5) He plays bass, he's got his own band. She's a singer and a dancer and has her own groupies. Do I have to spell it out? It's the perfect match, like the Brady Bunch - if Mike and Carol snorted coke off a hooker's ass with a rolled up page ripped out of the bible.

6) Seriously, Huck and Brit, really could they do any worse than the current dipshits? Really, how bad could it be, comparatively speaking? I mean we're basically faced with no good choices, mostly it's a matter of voting for the lesser of evils anyway. In fact that would make a damned good campaign slogan: Huck and Brit 2008! No Good Choices!

7) And finally, we'd at last find something for Paris Hilton to do. With Britney in the VP's office, it's inevitable that she'd see her old friend on the cabinet - Secretary of State I'm thinking. Or maybe a nice ambassadorship somewhere - say Baghdad.

Yeah, OK, I'm done here. I'll be out in the shop if you need me.


  1. Pardon me while I shed a tear for society.

    Bah, same shit different day. The only upside is that Huckabee's win was sort-of expected, in a heartland state. Obama was a bit of surprise, which says to me that Obama could be on the rise, while Huckabee may have well peaked. We'll see how things roll Tuesday, I guess.

    I'll tell you, though. That TiVo is looking like money well spent. I almost never just sit down in front of the TV any more, unless it's to watch something already recorded. Generally saves me from that kind of shit.

  2. Jim, you totally missed the boat on why Britney for VP is a good idea. There's this new tradition you may have heard about called stashing the VP in "an undisclosed location". Win/Win. Excellent!

  3. Going with the idea that this combo could choose some real winners for their cabinet we could just save some time by clearing the decks at the LA and DC rehab centers and get that preacher who was unaware that he was paying a homosexual prostitute for "services". It could work. The government would be so ass backward and filled with controversy that the rest of us could just go about living normal lives.

  4. Hey guys, instead of having heads of state meet at Camp David, they can shift to Crossroads Antingua!

    I'm thinking Lindsay Lohan for the the head of the EPA...

  5. David makes a interesting point - I was a bit surprised by Obama's showing in Iowa of all places. Then I thought about it a bit - it's the lesser of evils thing, I think. I think it's a good indicator of how much the conservatives (including Midwestern Liberals) just flat out hate Hillary Clinton. McCain's distant position does give me some hope though.

    And yeah, TiVo. I actually have a HD DVR cable box, free from the Cable company (OK not free, but I didn't have to actually buy it, and when it inevitably craps out, they replace it - which is a massive improvement over the last two DVRs that I bought and lasted just long enough for the warranty to expire. DVR rocks, HD DVR rocks more.)

    And Nathan, how did I miss that? Undisclosed location - perfect. Maybe we should appoint OJ to a government position too.

  6. Paris Hilton, head of travel office, just saying.

  7. Is is still a political assassination if no one misses the victim and the body is never found?

    Jim, I like your political dream team. Evil, and possibly genius.

    It gives me this vision of Britney getting religion and aging into a Tammy Faye-like ghoul.

    I could nominate many folks for appointment to positions of maximum uselessness and stashing in an undisclosed location.

    Maybe we could make a reality TV show about it - "Camp Guantanamo Bay". Because, really, what better place for Paris and Britney then in a cell next to a really pissed off Islamic political prisoner who's been deprived of his Geneva convention rights, but whose religion doesn't allow him to see or talk to women?

  8. Actually now that I think of it: Paris Hilton for head of the GAO. I mean, the GAO is a freakin' joke anyway. And who would be better at wasting the taxpayer's money than ole Paris?

    OJ as Secretary of Defense. He used to play pro ball - I mean he's got to know something about defense right? And he's an expert on getting rid of people and coming up smelling like a rose. Perfect.

    Hell, this could really work. Fill the government with a bunch of clowns - just dispense with the pretense all together, then like Beastly said, the rest of us can just get on with our lives.

  9. Look everybody, Steve checked in while his Bot was at a meeting.

    Lindsay Lohan for Secretary of the Interior. Liza Minelli for head of A.T.F.

  10. Huckabee's victory might not be such a bad thing if it ultimately leads to Huckabee and Romney neutralizing each other--as much as I'm disappointed by McCain's recent pandering to the far right, I could deal with a "McCain is the last man standing scenario." He certainly strikes me as the most tolerable candidate on the Republicans' side (damning with faint praise, obviously).

    For what it's worth, Vice-President Spears is more likely to be "fired" as a client by her attorneys than she is to fire at her attorneys. While I realize some folks will see this as a step backwards, I personally consider it an improvement--if only because of my own sympathies for my professional colleagues.

    And I'm happy with Obama's win: he's my second pick after Kucinich (and Kucinich's best shot involves all the other candidates going to a zoo and being mauled by a tiger, so I'll be settling no matter who I support). And I'm even happier that Clinton finished third: I used to love her, but she's broken my heart too many times since becoming a Senator for my support to be anything more than tepid.

    Not that it really matters: the Republicans have persuaded me to vote as if I were a yellow-dog Democrat this year. (Congratulations guys, you finally made a persuasive case!)

  11. I vote for the Reality T.V. Show to be called "Guantanamo Bay Watch," starring all the skanky cabinet members who can't seem to find their panties before they leave the house. It can chronicle all the new and exciting ways the cabinet is saving the world, one person at a time.

    O.J. can take Hasselhoff's old role, and all the trollops can fill in as necessary.

    I think we have a winner.

  12. the Republicans have persuaded me to vote as if I were a yellow-dog Democrat this year.

    Yellow Dog Democrat, me too. I would indeed vote for a yellow dog before I'd vote another Neocon.


Comments on this blog are moderated. Each will be reviewed before being allowed to post. This may take a while. I don't allow personal attacks, trolling, or obnoxious stupidity. If you post anonymously and hide behind an IP blocker, I'm a lot more likely to consider you a troll. Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.