Don't fear, there is still entertainment to be had. And awards!
Announcing the The Stonekettle Station State of the Union Awards!
Henceforth fondly known as the Big Dubya!
The actual award is made of genuine weapons-grade Nigerian uranium and resembles a small wizened chimp with a curled upper lip. Unfortunately, at the moment, we are unable to locate it.
Anyhoo and without further ado, let's get to the awards!
The Big Dubya Best Use of Really Big Words in a Sentence:
If we fail to pass this agreement, we will embolden the purveyors of false populism in our hemisphere.
Let's give him a big hand folks, he must have practiced that line for months - and several of those words had three syllables!
The Big Dubya Best Cover Your Ass with Weasel Words Maneuver:
First, the window dressing:
This evening, I want to speak directly to our men and women on the front lines, soldiers and sailors, airmen, Marines and Coast Guard and more. Our nation is grateful for your courage. We are proud of your accomplishments. (Not proud enough to remember the National Guard, however - they're kind of like the Professor and Mary Ann in the original Gilligan's Island theme song. Besides NG troops aren't really Soldiers, they're mostly just sons of rich families who are waiting for the war to end so they can go into politics - oh, wait, sorry, wrong war, my mistake, heh heh).
Then the Promise:
And tonight, in this hallowed chamber with the American people as our witness, we make you a solemn pledge: In the fight ahead, you will have all you need to protect our nation.
Then the triple back spin with a twist:
And I ask Congress to meet its responsibilities to these brave men and women by fully funding our troops. (Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Did you catch the 'brave men and women' perfect dismount? Even the East German judges gave that a perfect 10! Wonderful!)
The Big Dubya Best Use of a Stock Catch Phrase Without Having A Clue As To What It Actually Means (Also know as the Yale Education Award):
we must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions and empower them to improve their lives for their futures
we must trust people with their own money and empower them to grow our economy
we must trust Americans with the responsibility of home ownership and empower them to weather turbulent times in the housing market.
we must trust students to learn ... and empower parents to demand results from our schools
we must trust patients and doctors to make medical decisions and empower them with better information and better options
we must trust American workers to compete with anyone in the world and empower them by opening up new markets overseas.
we must trust in the creative genius of American researchers and entrepreneurs and empower them to pioneer a new generation of clean energy technology
we must trust in the skill of our scientists and engineers and empower them to pursue the breakthroughs of tomorrow.
we must trust in the innovative spirit of medical researchers and empower them to discover new treatments while respecting moral boundaries
we must trust in the wisdom of our founders and empower judges who understand that the Constitution means what it says
we must trust in the good heart of the American people and empower them to serve their neighbors in need
And to make certain that we can trust those free and empowered Americans, we're gonna monitor their phone calls, data mine their emails, search their homes without a warrant, put them on secret no-fly lists, treat them like Jihadi suicide bombers in their airports, spirit them away to secret prisons in third world countries, torture them, hold secret tribunals, and piss on the Constitution. Trustworthy and Empowered people don't need no stinkin' Bill of Rights! Remember kids, if you don't got nuthin' to hide, you got nuthin' to fear - free people don't keep secrets from their Government!
The Big Dubya Best Narration of a Fictional Documentary:
We've seen jubilant Iraqis holding up ink-stained fingers and celebrating their freedom.
From the 'Mockumentary' They'll Cheer Us in the Streets of Baghdad! directed by Donald Rumsfeld and produced by the Bush Administration.
The Big Dubya Best Comedic One-Liner:
Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm. I am pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders.
Who says George doesn't have a sense of humor? Tonight, America laughs with you, Mr. President. (This will be embossed in marble above the door of the new GWB Presidential Library and Shootin' Range.)
The Big Dubya Takin' Charge Award (also known as 'The Decider'):
Tomorrow I will issue an executive order that directs federal agencies to ignore any future earmark that is not voted on by Congress. If these items are truly worth funding, Congress should debate them in the open and hold a public vote.
Unless it's earmarks for the Texas oil industry. Yeehaw!
The Big Dubya Helpin' Out the Little Guy Award:
My administration brought together the Hope Now alliance, which is helping many struggling homeowners avoid foreclosure. And Congress can help even more. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to reform Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and allow state housing agencies to issue tax-free bonds to help homeowners refinance their mortgages. It's been a difficult time for many American families and, by taking these steps, we can help more of them keep their homes.In the mean time, I ask members of Congress to donate all the boxes from their kitchen appliance renovations to the newly homeless. With foreclosures up 75% over last year, refrigerator boxes from the Senate alone should just about cover it, leaving House boxes as a surplus reserve for next year!
The Big Dubya for Delusion in Edumacation:
Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results.
The Big Dubya Dim Bulb Award:
Let us increase the use of renewable power and emissions -(pause) - free nuclear power
As long as it's free! And you gotta love those renewable emissions!
(yeah, I know he meant to say 'emission-free nukely-ear power' but this is how it came out, which on the face of it is a whole lot funnier.)
The Big Dubya Scientificimucation Achievemnet Award:
Last year, Congress passed legislation supporting the American Competitiveness Initiative, but never followed through with the funding. This funding is essential to keeping our scientific edge. So I ask Congress to double federal support for critical basic research in the physical sciences and ensure America remains the most dynamic nation on earth.
Because, America can NOT afford to lose it's edge in the fields of faith-based Creation Science and herbal healing alternative medicine. If we don't edumacate our children now, who will man the Creation Museums of the future? God bless you, Mr President, only you are keeping the evil stem-cell powered clone armies at bay, only you, sir.
The Big Dubya Rio Grande Labor Award:
we also need to acknowledge that we will never fully secure our border until we create a lawful way for foreign workers to come here and support our economy.
...and clear brush on my ranch for 50 Genuine American Bucks a month, that's what? Like a bizillion pesos. Grassyass, Amigo!
The Big Dubya Freedom and Liberty Award:
In this war on terror, there is one thing we and our enemies agree on. In the long run, men and women who are free to determine their own destinies will reject terror and refuse to live in tyranny.
For example, Osama Bin Laden, he's free...
The Big Dubya Don't Bother With the Fine Print Award:
When we met last year our troop levels in Iraq were on the rise. Today, because of the progress just described, we are implementing a policy of return on success, and the surge forces we sent to Iraq are beginning to come home.
...which will give them a full extra month to prepare for their redeployment to Pakistan. And remember, kids, if you don't return, it's because you weren't successful, nobody likes a loser.
And last, The Big Dubya Bullshittin' My Skinny White Ass Off Award:
...we must trust in the wisdom of our founders and empower judges who understand that the Constitution means what it says.
Except for that part about separation of powers and that stupid Bill of Rights thing, what in the hell were the founders thinking with that nonsence, eh? They must have been smoking a little Mount Vernon hemp that day. Bunch of revolutionary hippies in power frock coats and wigs, like the Psychedelic Beatles meet Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Fear not, America, we've fixed it. Move along, nothing to see here - and that's an order.
Honorable Mention, The Big Dubya Riddin' Shotgun Award goes to Dick Cheney.
Honorable Mention, The Big Dubya Limp Dishrag Award goes to Nancy Pelosi.
What a great show, thanks for coming, folks. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Remember, use courier ten point fonts in your emails to streamline the NSA datamining and text parsing process, smile when Countrywide comes knocking because a positive attitude makes for a positive foreclose experience, and be sure to tip your TSA agent. God Bless America and good night.