Wednesday, January 13, 2010

You’ll Go Blind – Between The Lines At The Palin/O’Reilly Lovefest

Procedural Question.

Sarah Palin on Bill O’Reilly – technically isn’t that called “Masturbation?”



I managed to find time today to watch Bill O’Reilly welcome Sarah Palin to FoxNews – and for a bunch of people who claim they don’t like porn, it was pretty much an hour of watching two crazy people teabag each other over and over.

I had kind of a Mystery Science 3000 thing going on in my head as I watched Palin speak.

Allow me to share the highlights with you:


O'REILLY: Isn't it true that no human being could lower the unemployment rate at this point? I mean, I don't like the massive spending. I think it's going to bankrupt the nation. But I…you know, I'm saying to myself, "If Sarah Palin and John McCain were in, could they bring unemployment down under 10 percent?" And I'm not sure you could.

PALIN: If the question is, “can any individual politician change the job forecast outlook?” No [but that doesn’t keep me from telling my legions of halfwit supporters that it’s still all Obama’s fault]. But what government can do is get out of the way of the private sector [For example, like how I as governor of Alaska got out of the way of Exxon. You know, by quitting. Lead by example, I always say] being able to seize opportunities to grow and to thrive and prosper [You know, prosper, like by having some sap ghostwrite my book and then making a couple of million dollars off of it] and hire more people [like the off-duty cops I hire to keep people I don’t like out of my book signings and speeches]. You do that…a politician, a policy does that by reducing taxes on the job creators [like how I campaigned for Alaskan governor by proposing a 20% tax increase on Big Oil], by getting government out of the way of the private sector [so they’ll be successful and profitable and make lots and lots of jobs, free of government interference and regulation - like Goldman-Sachs and Merrill-Lynch].


O'REILLY: Was it a lie that you thought Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11?

PALIN: You know what? [Fuck! Bring that up why don’t you, Asshole!] On that, I did talk a lot to Steve Schmidt about the history of the war and about where, perhaps, the 9/11 terrorists came from [Only I can’t remember anything that he said and I didn’t understand any of it anyway, so I spent a day reading conspiracy websites on my Blackberry] and could there have been any connection to Saddam [or space aliens].


O'REILLY: Steve Schmidt is obviously saying that you were in chaos preparing for this debate. Is that true?

PALIN: That…that’s not true [that’s impossible!]. And Steve Schmidt told us how overjoyed he was after the debate [compared to the Katie Couric interview or being doused in gasoline and lit on fire], so pleased with the way everything turned out [compared to the Katie Couric interview and being doused in gasoline and lit on fire], as he was after the convention [I hate him! Hate him! I will have my revenge in this life or the next! I…oh, shit, Bill’s asking another question, what?].

O'REILLY: Was there a time...

PALIN: ...as he was for…. [What? Concentrate, Sarahcudda, concentrate!]

O'REILLY: ...when you almost felt overwhelmed, though?

PALIN: No, I always felt pretty calm through the whole experience [because I was on Xanax up to my eyeballs].

O'REILLY: So is Schmidt lying or is somebody lying to him?

PALIN: [Duh] I think he's basing this on an anonymous source [and I’m going to find out who and then I’m going to have them doused in gasoline and lit on fire]. So all that kind of gossipy anonymous accusations, I really don't pay it any mind [like hell I don’t], because, again, Bill, I know what's important [oh yes, revenge will be sweet, yes yes my precious]. I know what the priorities are [Schmidt and his friends are on my list, right after that fucking Levi kid].


O'REILLY: Governor, the perception of you is that you're not that smart. That's what Saturday Night Live trafficked in, that's what the liberal media traffics in. You heard Chris Matthews go, "She doesn't know anything."... So I have to ask questions. Is, is that a lie? And, now, I think the proof is in the proverbial pudding, to use a cliché. You did very well against Biden in that debate, although you did call him O'Biden at one point.

PALIN: [Think, Sarah, think. Who the hell is O’Biden? Where have I heard that name before?  Pope of Russia? No? Irish Sweepstakes? Can I make a moose chili joke here?] I did. But I think the analysis after the debate was a surprise that Biden had more gaffes…had, had more mistakes made [which is, of course, why I actually won the election and I’m president right now. Yes. …Oh, wait…]

O'REILLY: Couric asked you an easy question and you booted it, governor.

PALIN: I sure did. [Ok, I’ll do the moose chili joke here then]

O'REILLY: Why did you boot it? I mean, if somebody asks what do you read? I say I read the, you know, New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post. I can reel them off in my sleep. You couldn't do it?

PALIN: Well, of course I could. Of course, I could. [Please, God, I’m begging you, don’t let Bill ask me what I read. Please please please. Moose chili, moose chili]

O'REILLY: Why didn't you?
PALIN: It's ridiculous to suggest that or to say that I couldn't tell people what I read [oh, wait…]. Because by that point already it was relatively early in that multi segmented interview with Katie Couric [because I wasn’t expecting such a tough question! It’s like Couric was just piling on at that point. I mean, “What do I read?” how could anybody answer a question like that? How? It was early in the interview and I wasn’t ready! Why didn’t she ask me an easy question like about abortion or that Constitution thing?], it was quite obvious that it was going to be a bit of an annoying interview with the badgering of the questions [yes, yes, annoying badgering. I mean, personal questions? In an interview?]...I think if most normal Americans [“normal” American = sucker] were put in the same position that I was there, they'd probably look at her and have that proverbial eye roll and say are you kidding me? [correction, normal American = illiterate dolt (apparently)]

O'REILLY: If they knew.

PALIN: Are you suggesting that I don't read? [Please, God, I’m begging you…moose chili moose chili]

PALIN: You know what I thought they were going to come after me for? Getting a "D" in a college course 22 years ago. That was the big controversy in my little world. That was the skeleton in my closet. Crap. Once the media finds that out [and finds that picture of me with the keg and the “Party Naked” T-shirt]…

O'REILLY: You're a populist.

PALIN: A populist, yes. [Populist, that means “Christian” right?]

O'REILLY: Do you know what they're calling you now?

PALIN: No. [Yes, but I don’t think I can say the c-word on TV]

O'REILLY: Evita.

PALIN: Well. [Who?]

O'REILLY: Eva Peron.

PALIN: Uh-huh. [Who?]

O'REILLY: That's who they're calling you now.

PALIN: [Who? Is that like Madonna?]

PALIN: After a year of getting clobbered by the media, capitalizing on people who will make things up [you know, like that Muslim illegal alien in the White House who pals around with terrorists. Yeah, I hate people like that], there does come a time in any mama's heart and gut where they're going to say no, no, no. You're picking on my kids. You're picking on my family [everybody! Hum The Star Spangled Banner]. I'm going to set the record straight. My guttural instinct kind is kind of like a mama grizzly bear. [Did I use the word guttural correctly in a sentence? Oh yes I did!]  You’re touching my cubs [Wait, did I just call myself a grizzly sow?] you're touching my kids [and if you touch my kids, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Bill - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society?! Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!]


O'REILLY: Do you believe that you are smart enough, incisive enough, intellectual enough, to handle the most powerful job in the world?

PALIN: [Most powerful job in the world? Are they offering me Rush’s job?! Oooooo!] I believe that I am because I have common sense [It’s like a magical superpower, and as Ms Wasilla I’ll do my bestest ever to work towards World Peace]. And I have, I believe, the values that are reflective of so many other American values [such as a burning hatred of gays, illegal aliens, France, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Liberals, Democrats, Progressives, Moderates, Science, Nature, The Arts, The Environment, Those Fucking Polar Bears, Elites, The Poor, and Katie Couric]. And I believe that what Americans are seeking is not the elitism, the kind of a spinelessness that perhaps is made up for that with some kind of elite Ivy League education [You know, I don’t know why we don’t just burn down Harvard and Yale and Princeton. Dartmouth? Cornell? Seriously, folks, real Americans drop out of school in the sixth grade because real Americans have Common Sense (it’s like a magical superpower). If an American must go to college, they should go to a community college only, because otherwise they’re elites and that’s just fascist communism!]  and a fact resume that's based on anything but hard work and private sector, free enterprise principles [and only people with an actual sixth grade education could actually make sense of the incoherent babbling bullshit that’s coming out of my mouth right now]. Americans could be seeking something like that in positive change in their leadership [and by change I mean like Bush, only more so]. I'm not saying that has to be me [but then I shouldn’t have to, should I?].


No, to answer your question. 

No, I will not stop until I too am put on the official Sarah Palin Banned Blogger List.

It’s important to have realistic goals, folks.


Now, if you’ll excuse me, I feel like I need to wash my hands.


  1. Finally! Some quality TV on FOX.

  2. now Jim thats the politicly correct term, no don't be helping those terrorists, however Sir i do belive you are playing us for a bit of fools, commenting from Alaska and Missouri?


    read the first letter and check the authour i belive we have found your doplleganger

    (i don't know how to turn that link into a cool word like you guys do, but if you tell me i'll do my best to make it work next time.

  3. He doesn't know the difference between a cloth accessory used for skin care and a food product made from chickpeas; she doesn't know how to read a map. It's a match made in heaven.

    Todd better watch out, is all I'm saying.

  4. must...
    from making...

    rowel - what JK did to the YA market

  5. Jarhead,

    It's the HTML "A" command, here's an example of how to do it.

    It's a major pain to do from a phone though. Just saying.

  6. Jarhead, I followed that link - that's the Mirror Universe Jim Wright, you can tell because he has a little goatee...

  7. And an evil laugh. Don't forget the evil laugh.

  8. Goddammit, Jim. I'll be trying to wash that image out of my brain ALL DAY, you bastard.

    --Rens, over here dipping my brain in bleach.

  9. Damn you, Jim. That's an image that I JUST DON'T WANT in my brain.


  10. My guttural instinct kind is kind of like a mama grizzly bear.

    Does this mean we get to kick Sarah Palin in the balls!

  11. Now there's a great reboot idea for MST3K. Of course, Fox would never grant you the rights to do such a thing, but it's still a great idea.

  12. ...but it's still a great idea.

    Well, technically, I think you'd have to call it There's No Mystery Creation Science Theater 6,000 (Or Maybe 10,000)...

  13. It's at times like this that I remember why I cancelled my cable TV service. What will they come up with next? Bring on the dancing goats, that what I say!

    stivolos - nah, I got nothing...

  14. stivolos - Greek dancing goats. Duh.

  15. Ick.

    But more importantly, my word is porin. Which is I believe a direct input of naughty pictures to the brain.

  16. I think I might have porin.

    Is it treatable?

    God, I hope not.

  17. Abbrev. post, full post. Abbrev. comments, full comments. Bust a fuckin' gutteral laughing!

    Great, Jim!

    sumbedr = What people are than Sarah Palin.

    Oh wait. That would be mostbedr.

  18. The MST3K Palin comment about college and the Common Sense superpower reminded me of my grandmother, who passed away years ago age 98, after raising two boys and a girl. Only the girl (my mom) went to college, and she had to put herself through because her parents (my grandparents) refused to support her, claiming they didn't believe college was good for anybody.

    When I went to college, my grandmother didn't approve. Nothing in the intervening years had changed her belief that college was where lazy, spoiled kids went to get out of doing honest, blue-collar, work. Had I dropped out of school in sixth grade and gotten a job as a logger or ditch-digger (or whatever work was available for a sixth-grader), nothing would have made her happier.

    anlent = antidote to withdrawal symptoms one suffers during the Lenten period

  19. oh Jim i should have learned by now, i read this at work and began laughing so hard my CO is sending me to the wizard

    Eives = a medical condition sontracted from giving birth to grizzly bears

  20. Wash your hands??? Geez Jim, I think I need a shower and a brain-bleach after that. Slimey.

    I knew there was a reason I hadn't gotten cable...

    oh, and MikeB - here in Georgia we have a Lottery commercial with a fire-breathing goat. Will that do?

  21. Wendy, you should always wash your hands after touching politicians and pundits, you never know where they've been - plus they lick their own butts.

  22. Okay, the iced tea is coming out my nose over here. Can we be 'Banned Blogger Readers? And will there be T-shirts?

    persil- What Sarah will go on when the Xanax doesn't work any more.

  23. Isn't porin pr0n starring Palin? :D

    micalimp - What you do when someone drops a chunk of silicate rock on your foot.

  24. So, I happened to catch part of "The Daily Show," where Jon Stewart showed a clip of the "Palin/O'Reilly Lovefest," and it left me wondering: did O'Reilly basically admit that Fox News was now Sarah's PR agency? That whenever and wherever her good name was maligned, she'd be able to instantly refute the lies (truth)? So does that mean that that, as a potential candidate for 2012, she'd have a free media outlet that other candidates would have to pay for? Not that I believed in Fox's "fair and balanced," crap, well, ever, but did they basically abandon any pretense that they're a news organization?

    On the other hand, it makes feel good that old white Republicans won't have to wear out their video footage of Sarah from the campaign trail. Each night now, she'll be dressed in a shiny new outfit for their viewing "enjoyment."

    Time to buy stock in hand lotion and paper towels.

    "Comoc" -- what you and a partner do when you watch Sarah Palin.

  25. Mmm need more, I doubt you are banned yet. I love Sarah Palin, she can make me laugh no matter what is going on.


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