Friday, January 29, 2010

The State of the Union

Got half a dozen emails this morning asking for my opinion on Obama’s State of the Union Address.

I missed it.

Or rather I missed it live, though I did watch excerpts of it later on the net and I read the transcripts.

It irritates the piss out of me that I missed it. 

I was at a middle school honors band concert.  I don’t mind  going to school band concerts – I usually enjoy them a great deal, and last night’s was especially good – but I do mind that educators (of all people) would schedule a kids’ band concert in the middle of the President’s address to the nation. And I especially mind that it was during what is arguably one of the most important State of the Union addresses in a long time.  One of the down sides of living just outside of Palinville in the reddest part of the reddest red state is that it never occurred to the local school district or the band teachers or the majority of parents that an Alaskan living in the Valley should be even remotely interested in watching “that liberal fascist traitor” speak to the nation. 


You can damned well bet if it was Palin up there giving a speech the whole state would have ground to a halt, hanging on her every word, cheering and crying red white and blue tears of joy.  Hell, maybe they should have broadcast the SOTU address in the Lost timeslot after all  - since nobody would schedule a band concert on that night either.

Yes, I am more than a little irked. Can you tell? 

Me? I would have assigned the kids to watch the President’s speech and write a report as homework - no matter who the president is – because I think we should be teaching our kids to be informed citizens.  But hey, you know, that’s just me.  It’s probably better that the Palin Teabaggers and the other hysterical dipshits get their view of the President’s position through the filter of Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and FoxNews, rather, than, you know, listening to the President’s actual words and discussing it in class.  Conservatives piss and moan and wave their hands about “political correctness” right up until it’s a topic they don’t want to talk about – then they piss and moan and wave their hands about how the fascists are trying to put ideas in their kid’s heads.  Think I’m exaggerating?  This is the same batch of jackasses who raised pluperfect hell over the president’s address to America’s schoolchildren last year, afraid that when Obama exhorted kids to stay in school and study hard he was really subliminally infecting them with the disease of politically correct atheist social fascism and the kids would all end up gay liberal pussies or red commies as a result.  Kids actually had to have permission slips to watch the President of the United States speak on TV during school hours.  This is the same batch of retards who bemoan “political correctness” because they aren’t allowed to refer to black people as property in public anymore – but are deathly afraid that the African America liberal president is going to say something that offends them.

Yes, that noise you hear is me banging my head on the desk.


Moving on. Woozily and with a ringing headache, but moving on. 


So, the State of the Union Address, let’s see if I can sum things up:


The President: Things are bad, but they’re getting better. 

The Democratic Response: Things are bad, you promised us bunnies that fly and fart sunshine and rainbows and you haven’t delivered and we’re so disillusioned, we knew we should have voted for Hillary! 

The Republican Response: Things are bad and getting worse, and Oh God! Oh God! We’re all gonna die!  Terrorists!

The Independent Response: Things are bad, but they can be better – if the price is right! Please contact Joe Leiberman, bring your checkbook and knee pads and remember Joe reserves the right to go back on his word at anytime.  Checks are not refundable.


The President: We inherited a mess from the last administration, it takes time to fix it.

The Democratic Response:  Stop blaming George W. Bush, it’s Joe Lieberman’s fault, plus you promised us rainbow farting flying bunnies and you haven’t delivered!

The Republican Response:  Stop blaming George W. Bush – everybody knows it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault!

The Independent Response: For the right prices, I’ll make it whoever’s fault you want.

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! USA! USA!


The President: We’ve got a lot of problems and we need to work together to fix them.

The Democratic Response:  Work together? How can we possibly work together when we no longer have a supermajority, oh woe, woe, is us. If you’re not going to give us the bunnies, we’ll just go eat our young.  Again. 

The Republican Response:  Sure we’ll work together, just not with you, or liberals, or democrats, or progressives, or moderate conservatives, or party traitors, or Blue Dog democrats, or yellow dog liberals, or cat owners, or hairy legged women, or gays, or any of them queers, or abortionists, scientists, environmentalists, the Fed, the Poor, France, people who don’t love Jesusastheirpersonalloadandsaviorforeverandeveramen, elites, smart guys, illegal aliens, or Joe fucking Lieberman. Kiss our asses, just wait ‘till 2012!

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA!

Palin: Well clearly what the President, and what I mean is that he doesn’t understand, I’m saying, what the problem is, is well, besides just regular people being hoodwinked by the liberal media elites is that…well, that’s to say common sense solutions!


The President: No more spending.

The Democratic Response: Right! Well, except for environmental issues that create jobs in blue states…

The Republican Response: Right! Well, except for military hardware and weapons systems that create jobs in red states…

The Independent Response: Right! Well, except for on me! Me! Me!

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA!

Palin: The brave George Jefferson, who was a patriotic foundling father of our Great Nation, had common sense…


The President: Jobs are good, we should get us some of that.

The Democratic Response: Only if they’re union jobs. With bunnies!

The Republican Response: Wait, that’s our idea!

The Independent Response: I’ve got a job! I don’t see what the problem is.

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA! Palin would have given us jobs already! Common Sense!

Palin: Buy my book! Mama needs a couple more million so I can be just like all of you brave common sense patriots whom I sympathize with so much in this time of crisis that our great nation is going through because McCain’s people wouldn’t let me tell you the common sense I’ve just got bottled up inside me waiting to get out so we can all work towards world peace.


The President: I don’t think corporations and Saudi Arabia should be able to legally buy themselves a Congressman.

The Democratic Response: Bunnies, we want bunnies!

The Republican Response: Whoa! He’s talking about a significant fraction of our income!

The Independent Response: Already there!

Justice Alito: Wait. What did that motherfucker just say?

Senator Leahy: Ha ha, Owned! SCOTUS Bitches!

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA!

Palin: I can see Saudi Arabia from my house…


I think that about does it.

See you next year.


  1. I lost it at "George Jefferson" - congratulations.

    I did listen - still enjoying the novelty of having a President I can hear without wanting to smash things. There were some entertaining (to me) digs at prior administrations, but by and large I thought it was a practical speech, and so of course hated by everyone.

    The only thing that scared me was the prospect of a three-year Federal budget freeze on non-essential programs (not that I see that actually happening). I work at a government research lab doing something important but not sexy, and we're already badly underfunded. But really, who cares about farmers who aren't Monsanto or ADM?

  2. ::stands silently at parade rest daring anyone to bad mouth the president::

    but seriously regardless of any personal feelings, when President Obama called out the supreme court i got a little motivated that was some steel balled stuff

    Mentivi= how a agy man expresses frustration

  3. I didn't listen either but then I'm Canadian. Your commentary sums up what I got from the news though. Except WAY more succinctly making it WAY funnier.

    Does living near Palinville make it easier to channel her?

  4. Cass, yes, actually. It's sort of an involuntary things - like a gag reflex...

  5. Just don't add the funky bumpit hairdo, Jim, please...

    George Jefferson hihihihi Foundling father ::piglaugh::

    Seriously - though I only caught the last 10 minutes or so the overall feeling was that we’ve got a lot of problems and we need to work together to fix them.

    But it also sounded like, 'OK - we tried the bipartisan thing, now we're going to DO the things we've been trying to do cause you guys are just holding us up.'

    I'll grab it off YouTube soon as I get the chance to see the whole thing...

    unworie - 'things are getting better, you can unworie now'

  6. George Jefferson, snerk!

    And yeah, finally we have a president who can string words together and make coherent sentences.

    What got me, and it's probably not in the transcripts, was the chuckling the president did. He was enjoying himself up there. Extra points for the chuckling.

    tednetr - what happened to Ted Turner

  7. We're movin' on up...to the East Side...Sorry, channeling George Jefferson there for a sec


    Yep. The president, ruler firmly in hand, slapped the hands that needed slapping and when that wasn't enough, spanked the rest. IN both parties. In EVERY branch of government. Got SCOTUS AND the Joint Chiefs in one blow. Thought the JC's were all going to explode when he got to them, the picture was priceless! Ah, the benefits of a captive audience and required attendance.

    Got his points across and had a good time doing it too. Way to go!

    stylhet: What Palin does to get those Bump-its into her hair...

  8. I found it good. He mentioned Nuclear Power, well lets start building! Instead of that coal mine, Alaska should get Nu-cu-lar power.

    Also I'm come to a realization, there are A LOT of people who I think hate Obama and call him a terrorist Muslim, because he is black, some people still hate the black man.

  9. Jim Wright for President!!!


    blega = a beluga whale in a blah mood.

  10. ...Jesusastheirpersonalloadandsaviorforeverandeveramen.

    I don't know if that's a typo in there or if you meant to use an 'a' instead of an 'r', but...


  11. Well, I'm a Scotsman living in Canada and I was still impressed. Although I think the whole "working together" thing might have been a little optimistic.

    bulefich - the dead things that wash up on the shore of Lake Michigan sometimes.

  12. Well Jeez, Jim, how would the school admins know that President Obama would give a speech on a night in January? You'd think that the man was going all googly on us and reading the Constitution or sumpthin'.

    Dr. Phil

    disiong -- the dizzying and discouraging array of nonsense which will accompany Decision 2010 election coverage.

  13. In Jr. High, I would have considered my band concert a lot more important than some boring speech by a bald guy my father worshiped.

  14. you were in high school when john adams was president, wow, was betsy ross the looker they say she was

    cybolr= the new nickname for Wii bowling

  15. I think Jarhead Journalist wins the Snappy Sarcastic Comeback championship today.

    Well played, Marine. ;)

  16. I think it's funny that you have 3 times as many comments on the Mac and cheese/zombies post than you do on this post.


    gries = really greasy fries

  17. Doc, I'm sure that says something about us, but I'd rather not speculate as to what. ;)

  18. Because mac & cheese is about taste and childhood treats? And the GOP Death Panels By Neglect Health Care Plan, Inc., is on the face of it, stupid?

    Do I win a prize for stating the obvious?

    Dr. Phil

    lesslu - if they made a remake of The Fifth Element without orange haired girl. (grin)

  19. you do Doc your prize is a promotion to captian, obviously

    and thank you Sir, i don't know how they come to me but they manage to get through the Ooh-Rahs high and tights and air force chicks

    monst= the abbreviation in texting for monsterly huge giganormuns pen.

    all you didrty thinker out there shame on you

  20. dingdingding -- Dr. Phil FTW.

    monsa = a group of Mensa members.


  21. My DI claimed to have pulled KP at the Last Supper.

  22. Finally took a look at your blog after seeing it mentioned on a CityData forum. Couldn't agree with you more. I live in Kenai so may bump into you some time.

  23. I'm easy to spot, Anon, I'm the guy in the hat ;)


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