Thursday, October 16, 2008

Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuumble!

I know, you all expect me to talk about the debate.


Seriously, somebody please explain to me exactly what the point of Presidential (and especially Vice Presidential) debates are?

We're what? Two or three weeks from the election? Who the heck hasn't made up their mind yet? No really, Joe the Idiot Plumber? Who is this indecisive moron anyway? Frankly, I don't care how he votes, but seriously I sure as shit wouldn't hire him to fix my pipes.

"Hmmm maybe I should go with the copper 5/8 inch? Or, I could put in PVC. No, wait, the copper. Fuck it, maybe I'll just wait until the septic tank bubbles over and then decide. Larry, pass me another brewski while I think about it! At $75 bucks an hour plus parts and labor, this is going to take some time, Baby."

If Joe the Plumber is helping you decide which candidate to vote for, you might as well be getting political commentary from Mr. Ed. Seriously, don't vote - you're just gumming things up for the rest of us.

I mean, come on, if you watched the debate and you're a Republican, McCain could have eaten a baby harp seal, live and squealing and then rolled in its blood and - and you'd still call his performance a victory.

If you watched the debate and you're a Democrat, Obama could have jumped up, donned a keffiyeh, and married Joe Biden - and you'd still call his performance a victory.

If you're a Republican, you still think that Obama is an Arab, a Terrorist, a Gay Loving Liberal who will destroy your sacred marriage and not one damned thing he said last night convinced you otherwise - in fact you probably muted the sound when he was talking because you can't stand to look at his face.

If You're a Democrat, you still think McCain is a crazed and raving old man with a bad, bad case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and one foot in the grave and not one damned thing he said last night convinced you otherwise - in fact you probably cranked up the volume just so you could laugh at his disjointed gibberish and shrill petulant whine.

If you're Joe the Plumber's Helper, you still have no damned idea how you're going to vote, but you're pretty sure Obama can't pay for his economic plan, and McCain can't pay for his education plan, and you'll probably either get drunk and vote for Mickey Mouse or just not show up at the polling station at all - and then brag for the next four years about how at least you didn't vote for the incumbent idiot.

If you're a Republican, this morning you're sure McCain won and you're madder than hell that the fucking liberal press is lying about the poll results and ACORN is stealing your vote.

If you're a Democrat, this morning you're sure Obama won and you're madder than hell that conservatives just won't admit it and you're worried that the Republicans are going to steal this election just the way they did when they lost the last time.

If you're Joe the Plumber's Crack, this morning you're irritating the piss out of everybody in the unemployment line with your insightful commentary about how both candidates had some really good points, but you still haven't figured out which one you like.

So, and again, what exactly is the point of all this? What exactly did either candidate say that we haven't all heard before? Obviously, the point of the debate isn't so that the candidates can state their positions, they've done that, over and over and over.

Nothing said last night changed my mind in any way. I thought Obama acted presidential, sane, calm, and considered. I thought McCain acted angry, arrogant, and dismissive. I thought that Obama's demeanor would be a whole lot more likely to get results when dealing with Congress or a foreign nation. I thought McCain's demeanor would get an entirely different kind of result, the same kind we've gotten for the last four years. I think Obama confronted McCain's accusations directly and in detail, despite McCain contemptuous snorting and eyebrow raising. I think McCain deftly avoided answering Obama's questions in large part, and that he used belligerent bellicosity to deflect any criticism (especially in his dismissal of Obama's accusation that GOP supporters shouted "Traitor," "Terrorist," and "Kill him!" when Obama's name was mentioned at Palin's rallies). I think Obama's ears are funny looking and that his hair resembles a yarmulke. I think McCain's eyebrows need a good weed wacking and his head looks a whole lot like Darth Vader's when Luke pulled his helmet off in Return of the Jedi.

I think they both acted like they knew what they were talking about, but I'd be surprised if either one can accomplish half the crap they both claim they'll do if elected. I think Obama acted like a man who is winning and confidently knows it, and McCain acted like a man who is losing and knows it and can't figure out why and it pisses him off.

But nothing either one said changed my intended vote, and I doubt it changed anybody else's either.

Frankly, it seems to me that we do debates because, as Americans, we like to be entertained. We're the tractor pulling, demolition derby, Jerry Springer nation. We've got short attention spans and we like our worldview to come in packages no bigger than a sound bite, and our shows to last no longer than the time it takes to consume a super-sized plate of ultimate nachos. We want laser light and flashpots, crashes, smashes, and boobs. We like the debates because it lets us see the candidates take cheap pot shots at each other, and because it's supposed to let us see them under pressure and in action.

So be it, says I.

Like I said in comments on the Whatever, put 'em in a ring and let 'em duke it out, naked, on pay per view. Their choice of weapons and fight to the death, winner takes all. Joe the Plumber will be entertained and, hell, he can even enjoy a big old plate of greasy nachos - but he doesn't get to give the thumbs-up/thumbs-down coup de grace if necessary, because the stupid bastard will keep us there all night while he makes up his mind.

Now that would be a debate worth watching.


  1. Hmm... considering that the main reason I watched it was for socializing with other people watching it, so we could all be entertained as a group ... I should probably just not say anything here. >.>

  2. Great analysis. I think you are right on about the republican vs Democrat points of view. Very well presented.

    This is one of the better debate analyzes I have read.

    I must admit that one (not the only) of the reasons I watched the debate was to see a McCain meltdown. He came close a couple of time.

  3. There is something good you can say about Joe The Plumber, actually, though it probably doesn't change anything: when you watch the original video clip of Joe trying to play "gotcha" with Obama at a public Q&A, and Obama hitting him with a five minute comprehensive answer that's intelligent, thorough and respectful (regardless of whether the plan itself is any good), it's a good moment if you're an Obama supporter (not sure if it's a persuasive moment for an undecided, but it has potential).

    There's a link at [self-pimp]Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets in the "Hey Joe" post[/self pimp]. :-D

  4. Jerry, welcome aboard.

    MWT, well yeah, chatting with the UCF during such events is the highlight of my day. I just wish that they didn't occur in the middle of dinner time for those of us in Alaska.

  5. Eric, yeah, I read your post before I started my own, you bastard, you took my idea. Again O.o

    And I meant to put a link in the post to yours and forgot. I'll go do that now.

  6. The problem Jim is that by the time you're done with dinner, I'm turning into a pumpkin. :)

  7. A liquored up pumpkin, if last night's chat room conversation was any indication - of course that goes for the rest of you too, mostly. :)

    That's what I like about MWT, he's a gamer, he never sleeps. Ever. (well, maybe at work)

  8. I thought Obama acted presidential, sane, calm, and considered. I thought McCain acted angry, arrogant, and dismissive.

    Funny, I thought Obama's derisive snorts when McCain made a point that Obama didn't like were arrogant and obnoxious. On CNN, the camera shot of McCain's profile always included Obama's smirking face.

    I liked this debate the best - FINALLY, we got some details on these insane mortgage bail-out plans. A pox on both their houses - oh wait, they're going to buy mine, right? unless I'm a responsible woman and make my payments on time, then they're just going to take all my money to buy out all those who don't.

    But I'm not bitter.


  9. It's ok, Cassie, you're in good company, none of us are bitter either. ;)

    I'd classify Obama's expression as more of an amused disbelieving grin, rather than a smirk, but then I was watching CBS (because that's broadcast in HD on my local cable box) and might have had a different camera angle.

    They both could have worked on a little mutual respect in my opinion - though I do think Obama came off a bit better in that regard. But I guess that's my point, neither one did or said anything that surprised me.

  10. ONE drink! I had ONE DRINK!

    That's tipsy, not liquored up.

    (attempts to look dignified)

  11. Crap. You guys had a party, and I wasn't invited? I would've even watched it, if I could've hung with you guys... My debate experience was hearing my husband (in the other room) berating McCain and agreeing with Obama. And if any of you actually knew my husband you would faint dead away right this minute.

    Natalie -- Bastard Stepchild of the UCF. Or something.

  12. All I had was one caffeine-free Coke. And at least I wasn't sniffing the cat's butt. o.O Anyway, pass the nachos...

    Neurondoc - if there were any more debates you would be welcome to join us.
    The Back Fence
    is open to anyone who wants to be associated with us (for some bizarre reason). ;)

  13. Oh, Jim -- that would be one enormous yarmulke. And yes, I agree that his ears stick out.

    MWT -- I like meeting people online. That's how I met my husband. My parents were convinced for the first few months that he had to be an axe murderer. And that was before they even saw his tattoos. :-)


  14. One drink? One? Whohoo, my kind of girl, a cheap date. bawahahaha.

    ::ducks preemptively before the wife smacks him:::

    It's funny, Natalie, a lot of military folks (who are predominately conservative, go figure) are agreeing with Obama this time around - and more would if he'd clarify his position on Iraq as not "just pulling out."

    We fight because they send us, that doesn't mean we agree with the war - but it's our duty to follow the orders of the president, and considering the very, very few numbers of conscientious objectors in uniform this time around, I'd say that the current volunteer military takes its oath very seriously indeed. However, we're now committed, and we don't want to see our efforts go for nothing, and a number of military folks are afraid that's what will happen if Obama takes the White House - I don't think so, but he hasn't been clear enough for a lot of military people. On the other hand, we want it to be over, soon.

  15. I'm betting Obama's not being more specific on Iraq because he knows he can't please both the "get out now" and the "gradual stand down" folks. If he wins, he'll most likely listen to his military advisors rather than Joe Plumber, who knows diddly squat about military action.

    By the way, ran across this interesting Texas joke about Palin and thought you'd find it an interesting analogy.

  16. I suspect you are correct, Anne, but it's costing him support in the military at the moment. However, should he say he'll listen to his SecDef, that'll cost him votes on the extreme liberal side. Catch-22.

    And I saw the post turtle joke somewhere the other day, Stumble maybe. Funny.


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