Sarah Palin on Bill O’Reilly – technically isn’t that called “Masturbation?”
I managed to find time today to watch Bill O’Reilly welcome Sarah Palin to FoxNews – and for a bunch of people who claim they don’t like porn, it was pretty much an hour of watching two crazy people teabag each other over and over.
I had kind of a Mystery Science 3000 thing going on in my head as I watched Palin speak.
Allow me to share the highlights with you:
O'REILLY: Isn't it true that no human being could lower the unemployment rate at this point? I mean, I don't like the massive spending. I think it's going to bankrupt the nation. But I…you know, I'm saying to myself, "If Sarah Palin and John McCain were in, could they bring unemployment down under 10 percent?" And I'm not sure you could.
PALIN: If the question is, “can any individual politician change the job forecast outlook?” No [but that doesn’t keep me from telling my legions of halfwit supporters that it’s still all Obama’s fault]. But what government can do is get out of the way of the private sector [For example, like how I as governor of Alaska got out of the way of Exxon. You know, by quitting. Lead by example, I always say] being able to seize opportunities to grow and to thrive and prosper [You know, prosper, like by having some sap ghostwrite my book and then making a couple of million dollars off of it] and hire more people [like the off-duty cops I hire to keep people I don’t like out of my book signings and speeches]. You do that…a politician, a policy does that by reducing taxes on the job creators [like how I campaigned for Alaskan governor by proposing a 20% tax increase on Big Oil], by getting government out of the way of the private sector [so they’ll be successful and profitable and make lots and lots of jobs, free of government interference and regulation - like Goldman-Sachs and Merrill-Lynch].
O'REILLY: Was it a lie that you thought Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11?
PALIN: You know what? [Fuck! Bring that up why don’t you, Asshole!] On that, I did talk a lot to Steve Schmidt about the history of the war and about where, perhaps, the 9/11 terrorists came from [Only I can’t remember anything that he said and I didn’t understand any of it anyway, so I spent a day reading conspiracy websites on my Blackberry] and could there have been any connection to Saddam [or space aliens].
O'REILLY: Steve Schmidt is obviously saying that you were in chaos preparing for this debate. Is that true?
PALIN: That…that’s not true [that’s impossible!]. And Steve Schmidt told us how overjoyed he was after the debate [compared to the Katie Couric interview or being doused in gasoline and lit on fire], so pleased with the way everything turned out [compared to the Katie Couric interview and being doused in gasoline and lit on fire], as he was after the convention [I hate him! Hate him! I will have my revenge in this life or the next! I…oh, shit, Bill’s asking another question, what?].
O'REILLY: Was there a time...
PALIN: ...as he was for…. [What? Concentrate, Sarahcudda, concentrate!]
O'REILLY: ...when you almost felt overwhelmed, though?
PALIN: No, I always felt pretty calm through the whole experience [because I was on Xanax up to my eyeballs].
O'REILLY: So is Schmidt lying or is somebody lying to him?
PALIN: [Duh] I think he's basing this on an anonymous source [and I’m going to find out who and then I’m going to have them doused in gasoline and lit on fire]. So all that kind of gossipy anonymous accusations, I really don't pay it any mind [like hell I don’t], because, again, Bill, I know what's important [oh yes, revenge will be sweet, yes yes my precious]. I know what the priorities are [Schmidt and his friends are on my list, right after that fucking Levi kid].
O'REILLY: Governor, the perception of you is that you're not that smart. That's what Saturday Night Live trafficked in, that's what the liberal media traffics in. You heard Chris Matthews go, "She doesn't know anything."... So I have to ask questions. Is, is that a lie? And, now, I think the proof is in the proverbial pudding, to use a cliché. You did very well against Biden in that debate, although you did call him O'Biden at one point.
PALIN: [Think, Sarah, think. Who the hell is O’Biden? Where have I heard that name before? Pope of Russia? No? Irish Sweepstakes? Can I make a moose chili joke here?] I did. But I think the analysis after the debate was a surprise that Biden had more gaffes…had, had more mistakes made [which is, of course, why I actually won the election and I’m president right now. Yes. …Oh, wait…]
O'REILLY: Couric asked you an easy question and you booted it, governor.
PALIN: I sure did. [Ok, I’ll do the moose chili joke here then]
O'REILLY: Why did you boot it? I mean, if somebody asks what do you read? I say I read the, you know, New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post. I can reel them off in my sleep. You couldn't do it?
PALIN: Well, of course I could. Of course, I could. [Please, God, I’m begging you, don’t let Bill ask me what I read. Please please please. Moose chili, moose chili]
O'REILLY: Why didn't you?
PALIN: It's ridiculous to suggest that or to say that I couldn't tell people what I read [oh, wait…]. Because by that point already it was relatively early in that multi segmented interview with Katie Couric [because I wasn’t expecting such a tough question! It’s like Couric was just piling on at that point. I mean, “What do I read?” how could anybody answer a question like that? How? It was early in the interview and I wasn’t ready! Why didn’t she ask me an easy question like about abortion or that Constitution thing?], it was quite obvious that it was going to be a bit of an annoying interview with the badgering of the questions [yes, yes, annoying badgering. I mean, personal questions? In an interview?]...I think if most normal Americans [“normal” American = sucker] were put in the same position that I was there, they'd probably look at her and have that proverbial eye roll and say are you kidding me? [correction, normal American = illiterate dolt (apparently)]
O'REILLY: If they knew.
PALIN: Are you suggesting that I don't read? [Please, God, I’m begging you…moose chili moose chili]
PALIN: You know what I thought they were going to come after me for? Getting a "D" in a college course 22 years ago. That was the big controversy in my little world. That was the skeleton in my closet. Crap. Once the media finds that out [and finds that picture of me with the keg and the “Party Naked” T-shirt]…
O'REILLY: You're a populist.
PALIN: A populist, yes. [Populist, that means “Christian” right?]
O'REILLY: Do you know what they're calling you now?
PALIN: No. [Yes, but I don’t think I can say the c-word on TV]
PALIN: Well. [Who?]
O'REILLY: Eva Peron.
PALIN: Uh-huh. [Who?]
O'REILLY: That's who they're calling you now.
PALIN: [Who? Is that like Madonna?]
PALIN: After a year of getting clobbered by the media, capitalizing on people who will make things up [you know, like that Muslim illegal alien in the White House who pals around with terrorists. Yeah, I hate people like that], there does come a time in any mama's heart and gut where they're going to say no, no, no. You're picking on my kids. You're picking on my family [everybody! Hum The Star Spangled Banner]. I'm going to set the record straight. My guttural instinct kind is kind of like a mama grizzly bear. [Did I use the word guttural correctly in a sentence? Oh yes I did!] You’re touching my cubs [Wait, did I just call myself a grizzly sow?] you're touching my kids [and if you touch my kids, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Bill - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society?! Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!]
O'REILLY: Do you believe that you are smart enough, incisive enough, intellectual enough, to handle the most powerful job in the world?
PALIN: [Most powerful job in the world? Are they offering me Rush’s job?! Oooooo!] I believe that I am because I have common sense [It’s like a magical superpower, and as Ms Wasilla I’ll do my bestest ever to work towards World Peace]. And I have, I believe, the values that are reflective of so many other American values [such as a burning hatred of gays, illegal aliens, France, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Liberals, Democrats, Progressives, Moderates, Science, Nature, The Arts, The Environment, Those Fucking Polar Bears, Elites, The Poor, and Katie Couric]. And I believe that what Americans are seeking is not the elitism, the kind of a spinelessness that perhaps is made up for that with some kind of elite Ivy League education [You know, I don’t know why we don’t just burn down Harvard and Yale and Princeton. Dartmouth? Cornell? Seriously, folks, real Americans drop out of school in the sixth grade because real Americans have Common Sense (it’s like a magical superpower). If an American must go to college, they should go to a community college only, because otherwise they’re elites and that’s just fascist communism!] and a fact resume that's based on anything but hard work and private sector, free enterprise principles [and only people with an actual sixth grade education could actually make sense of the incoherent babbling bullshit that’s coming out of my mouth right now]. Americans could be seeking something like that in positive change in their leadership [and by change I mean like Bush, only more so]. I'm not saying that has to be me [but then I shouldn’t have to, should I?].
No, to answer your question.
No, I will not stop until I too am put on the official Sarah Palin Banned Blogger List.
It’s important to have realistic goals, folks.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I feel like I need to wash my hands.