Sunday, October 4, 2009

Things That Ought To Be A Hanging Offense

Die, Microsoft Die!

Is there anything more likely to make a blood vessel in my head swell and explode than the message “Program is not responding?”

No there is not.

I swear to all that is holy, it ought to be legal to kill a random stranger from a rooftop with a high powered rifle every damned time you get that message.

Program is not responding.


Thanks for stating the obvious, Microsoft. And really, thanks for nothing.

No shit the program is not responding, you dolts. I can see that it’s not responding. I can see the program has frozen for no apparent reason other than activation of the mysterious Microsoft subroutine Check_For_Unsaved_Work_If_Yes_CRASHMOTHERFUCKERCRASH! The fact that I’m pounding on the keyboard in a bloody-eyed rage tipped me off. The message is really not necessary, unless you are actually trying to induce an aneurism in my head the size of the Hindenburg fireball.

I got it.

The program is not responding. Yeah.

You want to impress me with Windows 7?

Include a phone number I can dial from my non-Windows Based phone that sends high amperage electric shocks directly to Bill Gates’ balls – also at the same time have a message pop up on his screen saying “Your Testicles Are On Fire! – JUST IN CASE YOU WONDERED WHAT THAT FUCKING PAIN WAS, BILL!”

Hey! There’s an idea, what if we made everybody who worked at Microsoft wear the special taser electrode underwear? You know, I’d be a whole lot less likely to come unhinged and embark on a multi-state homicidal rampage if I knew that every time a program ceased responding for no apparent reason whatsoever a random Microsoft employee was getting about ten thousand volts straight in the privates. Zzzzzzt!


Don’t do it. Just stop right there. Take your hands off the keyboard. Step away from the comment box.

Because there is one thing that I find more aggravating than Microsoft.

And that would be the inevitable comment recommending that I switch to penguin based operating systems or to that one with the apples.

Really, just don’t. People who offer helpful suggestions that aren’t actually helpful and in reality are just another way of saying “Bawahahahaha! Mine is better than yours. See? I told you so” should be soaked in gasoline, loaded in a large artillery piece and fired flaming into North Korea.

I’m already pissed enough. The entire pictorial of this weekend’s shop work, i.e. the birdhouses, is gone in a cloud of petulant electrons. My urge to commit violence is running about 9.6 at the moment, all I need is a target. Really think about it.

Better for all of us if I take out my ire on that guy who drives too slow in the fast lane – because, next to Bill Gates* and the troop of brain damaged baboons running Microsoft, driving too slow in the fast lane should be number one when it comes to hanging offenses.

Pictures tomorrow.


*Yes, I know Bill doesn’t actually run MS any more. I don’t care I still want to set his crotch on fire.


  1. Ah, your rant is so much more eloquent than mine. And now that you have cursed Microsoft, Bill Gates and random Microsoft employees with electrocution, I can feel so much better about going to work and dealing with weird Windows problems that encapsulate the freaky penguin-based problems I will encounter. (Yes. Not only do I suffer the slings and arrows of Microsoft misfortune, I also get to bleed out my ears with freaky Linux behavior. Such is the life of a programmer. Rah, rah, rah.)

  2. Worse, sometimes "Program not responding" isn't actually true. Sometimes the program is just taking a long time to do something and Windows doesn't know it. Just like sometimes you can remove a card from your computer and Windows will insist that the device is working properly.

    Operating system,s of all stripes have become so complex that they all suck on a regular basis. All of them.

  3. Remember the Commodore 64? Say nice thing to your windows based computer now;)

  4. Hey, I just threw out an old C64 and a VIC20.

    One thing about those old CP/M based Z80 processors - no BSOD. Ever.

  5. Vince, I gotta disagree with you. They don't all suck, or if they do, Windows sucks so exceptionally hard that nobody else is in the same league.

    I'm not recommending anyone switch to solve their problems, by-the-by. That's a useless suggestion if only because probably most of us have OS-specific apps that tie us to something. Sure, I use Linux when I'm writing or doing something serious at home. But I have Windows Vista installed on a separate bootable hard drive on the same system because I want to play some videogames, something Windows still has a corner on. (Yes, I'm familiar with WINE; are you familiar with WINE's compatability database? You are? Then why did you suggest I try running games under WINE?)

    And yeah, even native shit just stops working. Hell, you know what programs have crashed the most for me in Vista: Internet Explorer (versions 7 and 8) and MS Works (I didn't spring for Office because if I'm writing, I'm supposed to be in Linux, natch.)

    So, Jim, my sympathies to you.

    Best of the best is when a program "stops responding" in Windows and forcing it to stop crashes the desktop. Now that is some damn nice coding, Redmond. Tasering your 'nads is too good for you.

  6. Serpentine, serpentine, if you run in a straight line he will be able to fire the death ray right at you. Stay low, don't bother to peer over the lip of the bunker, just wait for the dust to settle from all the killing then go about your business. You can always prod him later if you want to see him spin again.

  7. Right! No penguin or fruit based OSes! This is written on a fish based OS that is just awesome and never hangs. OpenBSD rules!!!!

    Of course there's only about six applications that run on in.

    Vince: You remove cards from a running system? Stonkettle readers are brave.

  8. "I still want to set his crotch on fire" is probably the blog line of the month. Kudos!

    And my sympathy on the computer problems and the munchy OS. :(

  9. Coffee->splat->> monitor & keyboard!
    2 @ one blow! Damn, and I know better.

    Yeah, if I see that little witch pitching happy words with majic ponies for MS again, I may very well lose my TV. Barf.

    Actually feel your pain today. Was in the middle of composing a stellar cover letter for a job I REALLY WANT when my system decided not to respond for a bit. I was NOT happy. ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!

  10. I disagree about the utility of the message. It's annoying, however, I find it far worse when Mac Mail crashes, and I am forced to guess whether it's taking a long time to talk to the server or the program has crashed. It's a 50/50 change with the Exchange server.

    Now the window that tells me a program has stopped responding AFTER I've gone into the Task Manager to stop the program--that needs a good smack.

  11. Program Not Responding.

    Choose End Now.

    Program Not Responding.

    Hitting the X won't kill it.

    Ctrl-Alt-Del to bring up Task Manager.

    Takes forever to start up, because Program Not Responding is taking up all the machine cycles.

    How the fuck can a program that isn't doing anything be DOING SOMETHING ALL THE TIME?

    Find errant program.

    Press End Task.

    Task seems to have spawned several instances of itself. Serially go around selecting and End Tasking each one. Sometimes more than once.

    Finally get Whack-A-Mole option to work. Moles whacked.

    If this was Firefox going nuts, restart Firefox.

    Firefox ended abnormally. Do you want to Restore Previous?


    I'm sorry. If there's a Program Not Responding, then a call to Task Manager should be a top privilege call and its commands should be attended to post haste. Savvy?

    Dr. Phil

  12. And I've been steadily ragging on that Stupid Windows 7 For Toddlers set of ads.

    Lamest Windows campaign ever.

    Dr. Phil

  13. my personal favorite is "Contact your network administrator" who the fuck does this computer think I am?

    Wendy, put down the coffee first.

  14. "Operating system,s of all stripes have become so complex that they all suck on a regular basis. All of them."

    Vince: that's crazy. _All_ of them do not suck.

    I like IRIX and OS X very much. (And before that, I liked BeOS the bestest.)

    All OSes have their problems. It's just that some have more problems than others...

    "One thing about those old CP/M based Z80 processors - no BSOD. Ever."

    Basic could, though.

  15. The privilege of ranting profanely against Micro$oft/Bill Gates/Windoze/Vista/BSOD is part of what you're paying for, when you spend all that money for their software. And then keep forking out yet more money for ever new versions of it that are only just barely backward-compatible with the stuff you just bought a few months ago.

    Seriously, I'm sure it's in the licensing agreement. Look it up.

    *tongue planted firmly in cheek*

  16. Ahem. I've been using Windows 7 for several weeks now. I skipped Vista and went directly from Xp to 7.

    Shoot me, not a single problem. I do a lot of crazy heavy computing at home. Lots of weird crazy things, often enough parallel to each other.

    Not a damn problem. Maybe I should make Microsoft pay me money.

  17. Every OS Sucks:

  18. At the risk of getting stomped on by one and all...I love my Mac.

    (And my office only has 2 windows. They don't speed up or slow down anything. But I actually saw a pair of cardinals in the middle of Manhattan today!)

  19. As many churches as there are in Manhattan, I'm surprised you only saw two cardinals...

  20. Of course, one has to remember that Windows is only a "temporary" operating system. It has a half-life of maybe nine months after which the rate of decay accelerates beyond the comprehension of the average user. I re-install from an image once a year, patch, test and create a new image. Takes an hour or so but it saves a lot of heartache for me and presumably some ballache for MS programmers and executives.

  21. I think MikeB is on to something...

  22. MikeB: Wow. I had no idea it was that bad.

    I've only used images for backups (or, less rarely, setting up a renderfarm).

  23. The problem with Mike B's method is the Office package that came with my computer only allows two installations. Then you have to go buy a real one.

    Never had this kind of problem with various flavors of Unix (not the penguined one) or the OS for the HP Engineering Workstation.

  24. nstc: really? That sucks. Reinstalling from a disk image should be just like a jolly reset button. A colossal UNDO. Command-Z, only with an entire disk.

    (I hate office software anyway. All office software. Everywhere. Powerpoint is the worst, maybe even as bad as Publisher or Word. But still.)


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