I’m going to the VA this morning.
They just built a new VA medical clinic out here in the Valley and I’ve been assigned to it. This is a good thing, because it means that for routine medical stuff I don’t have to drive to Anchorage. The new clinic is five minutes from my house.
I went in there yesterday to get signed up. They told me I have to have lab work done to establish a baseline for my new provider.
Including a cholesterol test.
So, I’ve been “fasting” for the last twelve hours, but see, here’s the thing, prior to vacation I spent a month eating nothing but fat free yogurt and fruit and vegetables. However, for the last three weeks I’ve been living mostly on bacon, cheesy grits, country fried meat covered in cream gravy with a side of corn dogs and Whataburger chocolate malteds. There was a lot of French fries in there too. Plus a couple of funnel cakes and an order of fried pickles. There was a three day span where I ate nothing but steak. I did eat some squash, white, breaded and deep fried of course – and it was gooooood.
Basically, I’ve consumed the equivalent of a 55 drum of liquid Crisco over the last month.
Yeah, I can’t wait for this conversation:
Young Pretty Doctor with a total body fat of 1% (who probably runs marathons): Mr. Wright, according to our tests, you don’t in fact have any blood.
Me: I don’t? Well that’s good right?
Doctor: No. Not really. Frankly we’re somewhat baffled.
Me: Pass me another donut, would you? No, no, the one with custard filling and the chocolate frosting.
Doctor: We had trouble testing your blood samples, they keep distilling into bio-diesel in the centrifuge…
Me: Look! I’m Homer Simpson, doooonut! Mmmmmmm.
Doctor: Your arteries appear to be filled with a substance that most closely resembles two-week old McDonalds fryer grease.
Me: Ooooh, fries! With extra salt.
They really shouldn't have made me fast.