Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Promises, Promises

Jim is on vacation in the Florida Panhandle. He continues to be astounded that the armadillos, which are much like armored rats, don't simply cook in their shells like lobsters as they lumber across the 150 degree roads. Nature, it boggles the mind.

I'm going to the beach again today.

I know, I know. I promised to wrestle a shark.

And if I see one, I swear I will.

However, if I am unable to locate a shark, I promise to wrestle - barehanded and wearing nothing but a loincloth and coconut oil - a large Whataburger chocolate malted. There may be fries involved.

Yes, there is no risk so insane that I won't take it for you, gentle reader.

Afterward, just for you, I might put a piece of pecan pie into a headlock.


  1. I beg you not to photograph the event.

  2. Forget Shawn, there should be pictures of that. If only to warn the childrens away.

  3. Armadillos are stupid.

    First night I lived in Florida I'm traveling down a pitch dark side road near my house and run over what I thought was a possum with the car.

    But it sounded like the entire underneath of the car was being ripped out. The mechanic at the neighborhood garage was pretty amused, even as he picked armadillo fragments out from under the car the next day.

    Lesson learned, don't run over the armadillos.


  4. Let's get ready to ruuuuuuummmmble!

  5. Ah, Whataburger. Civilized fast food! Did you know they even offer jalapenos as hamburger dressing, in addition to mundanities such as onions and pickles. And an actual chocolate malt! Heaven.

    And do you know why the chicken really crossed the road? To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

  6. See, I told you...armidillos are stupid! They believed the chicken!


  7. I have an uncle and aunt who formerly lived in Texas, who told me armadillos were known to wreck engines because, they claimed, armadillos will normally jump straight up in the air when frightened. Whether this was true or merely the kind of crazy things Texans say (e.g. "We know for a fact that there are WMDs in Iraq..."), I cannot say.

    I can say, however, that armadillos can apparently be found in Transylvania. At least that was something I learned from Tod Browning's adaptation of Dracula starring Bela Lugosi; the Count's castle is positively crawling with them, they're like enormous, shelled rats. I suppose the Count could have called an exterminator if he hadn't planned for Mr. Renfield to box him and send him to England, where I assume Count Dracula would have rented his former residence out and would have become an absentee landlord, the unresponsive owner of a crumbling tenement infested by armadillos and bats. Unfortunately for the Count's retirement plans, once in England he was crossed by a stakeholder named VanHelsing, and so things didn't quite work out as he might have hoped.

    Anyway, armadillos.

    So, you know, regarding Jim's proposed alternative to wrestling a shark: I have to admit I feel somewhat cheated. I do, however, have a solution: Jim seems to be concerned that his "Plan A" might fail because of an inability to find a shark. As sceptical as I may be--I believe the ocean is full of sharks, actually--I am extremely confident that most aquariums feature shark exhibits! I am also confident that there are aquariums in Florida. Therefore, I would propose that if Jim can't find a shark at the beach, he proceed at once to the nearest aquarium, locate the shark tank (the Information Desk or aquarium tour guides may be helpful if Jim has any trouble reading the maps they set up all over the place, or if he somehow misses the big signs and murals they frequently set up in such buildings guiding patrons to their shark exhibits), where Jim can strip naked and jump into the shark tank in order to wrestle one of the animals swimming around therein (by which I mean one of the sharks, of course). Aside from the obvious convenience, there is the added advantage that Jim's mortal combat with the fish is likely to be well-documented, since there will be tourists with cameras and cell phones, video security systems, and possibly local media attention.

    If the shark wins, perhaps Jim can buy it a chocolate malted and fries.

    Good luck with your mortal combat, Jim! We're rooting for you!

  8. No sharks today, though I did beat a small jellyfish senseless (it was raspberry jelly flavored). Accordingly, I made good on my promise to take down a large old fashioned chocolate malted and a bucket of chicken. You'll be happy to know that I was victorious.

    Also, I beat two 12 year olds and a small skinny 10 year old at body surfing. So, you know, I am the man. Just saying. (Note, they will probably say otherwise, but these children are notorious fibbers, you should disregard their little lies).

    Also, I think I got the best sun burn by at least two shades of crimson...

  9. I'd mock you, but today's SMBC taught me that defeating dead chickens is not a foregone conclusion. Indeed, if this image was a harbinger of things to come, your skills in eating the fried flesh of our fowl enemies may be a useful post-apocalyptic talent, indeed.

    That said, I still think you should infiltrate an aquarium shark tank and fight one. Do it for the kids. No, really: there's always school groups and summer camp groups and Bible school groups and daycare groups touring those places; a naked man in a giant fishtank wrestling a shark is sure to be something they remember their entire lives. Unless they suppress it, I mean. Stupid neuroses and phobias resulting from traumatic memories sublimated into the unconscious mind. But other than that, I mean--you'll be totally famous as "That Guy Who Was Arrested For Wrestling A Shark At The Aquarium." Is that not something to live for? A memory that will stay with your son for the rest of his life.

    Just saying.

  10. When they arrest me, and you know they will, Eric, can I tell them that I was in the aquarium on the advice of counsel - then brandish your name about?

  11. Absolutely, Jim.

    But understand, I reserve the right to twirl my finger 'round my ear in the "crazy" gesture while saying, "Oh... yeah... that guy...," when the investigators come to interview me. :-D

  12. Don't forget to bill him at your normal rate while twirling your finger.

  13. Well now, everyone who's ever been to Gatorland Zoo in Kissimmee, Florida knows that gators love chicken! Whole ones.

    So if Jim had used his chicken for baiting gators instead of personal pleasure, we'd have already had the varmint rasslin part of the program completed by now. How selfish of him to not consider our needs.

    How's that sandrash & sunburn doin' Jim? You should be just about raw enough to bait sharks AND gators...

    Just sayin...(and still having major beach envy)


  14. Hm--there's a question. We all know that if a zombie bites you, you get zombie. So if a zombie chicken bites an alligator, clearly you get a zombie gator. But what happens if you eat a zombie? What happens to a gator who eats a zombie chicken, if anything?

    Because, zombie gators... I'm thinking that might be, I dunno, kind of bad or something....


Comments on this blog are moderated. Each will be reviewed before being allowed to post. This may take a while. I don't allow personal attacks, trolling, or obnoxious stupidity. If you post anonymously and hide behind an IP blocker, I'm a lot more likely to consider you a troll. Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.