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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Manly Bloggin' Thursday

In the comments below the previous post, Random Michelle asked me to post "more kitty pictures." Then she tried to guilt me into it by claiming to feel "sick."

Gah.

Sorry, no. This is a manly blog where we talk about manly, manly things. Kitties are fluffy and cute and girly and definitely not at all manly.

No kitten pictures.

(Note: Rescuing a freezing kitten from the ferocious wilderness of my back porch is manly, which is why I posted about it. And I posted one kitten picture purely as a manly public service in order to return the kitten in question to it's child, again a manly superhero sort of thing to do. I was not, in fact, posting gratuitous pictures of kittens in order to increase my chick appeal. I'm quite manly, thank you, without resorting to such girly-boy tactics).

In order to prove this blog's manliness, today I will take you on a manly tour of my manly wood shop. Put on your man pants, and prepare to get dusty, sweaty, and gassy in a manly pull my finger way.

First a picture of one of my manly 4x4 ATV's, which I use in a manly fashion to harvest big burly logs from the deep and dangerous Alaskan wilderness. A powerful manly machine that could outrun a Formula 1 race car and pull a fully loaded 747 up a cliff without shifting out of 4th gear or spilling the drink cart. Note the manly gun rack on the front.

shop 22

Next we'll look at the manly planer, a horrifyingly powerful machine, designed gnaw through literally yards of rough cut lumber. It could kill a lesser man in seconds and turn him into a pile of quivering pate. Seriously, this tool is only for the use of manly man, there is nothing fluffy or cute about it, as you can clearly see:

shop 23

After processing in the planer, I move the lumber (lumber is more manly sounding than 'board') in a sweaty and gruntingly manly fashion to the tablesaw. Many men have lost their lives to this ravening beast which can slice through yard thick chrome steel in seconds. Note that this machine is equipped with the deadly stacked Dado blade, a truly manly device designed to remove human limbs. Never, ever, allow children or pets near this machine. Ever. Just sayin'

shop 19

After cutting lumber to rough size on the manly tablesaw, I often stop and scratch, maybe even burp out loud in a manly fashion. Then I cut the lumber into more manageable sizes (not that I can't manage whole trees mind you, but some of the machines simply aren't up to the task despite their fearsome power and brutal capacity). I do that on the manly Dewalt chopsaw, a guillotine like device with huge spinning blades and no safety guards of any kind. A true test of manly strength and dexterity. Note the HUGE plastic jar of manly dog treats on the left hand side of the picture.

shop 15

Next, depending on the manliness of the job, I might cut pieces on the manly industrial Powermatic 77 scroll saw. This huge cast iron behemoth can lop off a fist full of fingers in seconds, girls get sterile just looking at it:

shop 17

I might have to bore manly holes into a piece and for that I use the manly Jet Drill Press, a powerful boring machine capable of drilling clean through the earth and killing everybody in China should it ever come unleashed from its stand. Note the giant manly quill handles and powerful manly red switch on the front:

Shop 3

Sometimes I have to stop and swear in a manly fashion, before cutting mortises in the Delta mortising machine, a cunningly cruel tool used to cut manly square holes in wooden stiles. Note the large red manly pipe wrenches hanging on the manly tool board above the manly work bench, I've used these to kill Kodiak Brown Bears in a single swipe to the head, that's why they're red, to hide the blood:

shop 4

Of course, the real manly work is done on the lathe, a powerful and temperamental machine capable of turning an entire Honduran mahogany tree trunk:

shop 16

In true manly man fashion, I built a mobile manly lathe chisel stand from the salvaged hull of an old Soviet nuclear submarine, it's only slightly radioactive and real manly men don't worry about a little fallout anyway. Radiation is good for manly men, puts manly hair on your manly chest.

shop 10

Once I've finished with the lathe, I might do some manly power carving on the downdraft table. Note the large assortment of manly razor sharp carving bits, these are placed in the manly Foredom carving tool, which is powered by an monster 8-cylinder Buick motor:

shop 9

Vacuum is supplied to the various machines by a huge manly cyclonic dust collection system that I built myself, or rather by forced orphan labor working diligently under my manly lash:

shop 6

And finally, a sample of my manly efforts, drying in the manly finishing cabinet. These bowls were coated in the tears of bitter and sorrowful women applied with brushes made from the hair of my vanquished enemies:

shop 8

And there you have it, a manly tour of the manly Stonekettle Station Woodshop.

We do many manly things here at Stonekettle Station, but what we don't do is cater to the pitiful cries of sickly women.

And no kitty pictures.

Ever.

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Hope you're feeling better, Michelle.


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Some sissy readers might have noted a rather large number of typos in the initial post. This was done on purpose, as manly men are not girly English professors and they construct sentences however they please. In other words, they command language, it doesn't command them. Yes. However, the shrill girly whine of some unmanly people was getting on my manly nerves. So I fixed it. You're welcome.

Now, pull my finger...

36 comments:

  1. I see you have a very manly supervisor of all that manly equipment and those manly bowls. :D

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  2. I assume you're referring to that fuzzy object, MWT? That's merely a bit of manly sweat on the lens. Nothing more. Move along.

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  3. That was awesomely manly Jim.

    I feel duly chastised.

    (giggles)

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  4. Pbpbpbbbthhtthhhht. I bet she still has more hair on her chest than you.

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  5. That? That's merely the shop semi-autonomous dust-mop system (tm) and vole neutralizer.

    Hardly worth mentioning.

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  6. I like how you've got your mobile wood distressing system trained to follow you around the shop. Keep the claws on that one sharp, she'll help you out just fine.

    PS - NICE drill press.

    PPS - Did you check your mail today? Because I think you should.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Radiation is good for manly men, puts manly hair on your manly chest.

    I understand too much radiation can cause some things to be less than manly...

    Still, a nicely manly tour of your manly shop with your manly fuzzy manly sweat smearing up the manly lens of your manly camera.

    (I have now read and typed the word "manly" so many times that it has ceased to have any meaning.)

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  8. Did you all know that there's a place called Manly Hot Springs, Alaska?

    And I'm off to check my Manly Mail at the moment, Tania. That's the other computer, and I usually only look at it the morning and after dinner. But, for you, I'll do it now.

    ::swaggers off in a manly, and slightly pirate/ninja, fashion:::

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  9. I think I saw Linda Hamilton use a gun like that in Terminator 2. And Linda Hamilton's a girl, so that makes it a girly gun.

    But if you're looking for something to really prove that your girly gun doesn't make you girly, you might want to consider a cat--I think Scalzi was recently in a New York Times article about how cats are the new manly thing these days....

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  10. Ok guys, we've got him out of the house to go to the place he loves more than any other - THE POST OFFICE!!!

    Quick, lets loot the chocolate, snacks, and booze, and get the hell out of here. My place is only a 5-6 hour drive away, we can meet up there.

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  11. Considering the last trip to the post office that Jim blogged about -- 5-6 hours should be PLENTY of time. I'm with you. And I definitely want to check out that semi-autonomous dust-mop system.

    Oh, and I like the bowl with the green ribbon-thingy in it. Is that one taken? I am sure that my husband won't notice a well-wrapped package from Palmer Alaska...

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  12. Holy Freakin' crap. mmmmmmmmmm, a box full of headache, nom nom hom. Tania, you are my new favorite person. Sorry, Nathan, I loved the shirt, but I'm fickle and it's not made out of chocolate.

    Pictures. Tomorrow. Oh and Michelle, your postcard from Texas showed up today with Tania's gift. Thank you.

    It's like UCF loot week. You guys are the best. I'm going to have to come up with something special for Christmas, no peeking.

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  13. Eric, I think that was a Remington 870, the standard girly law enforcement pump. Mine is a Manly Mossberg 500ATP Marine Coat Stainless. Similar weapons, but I prefer the Mossberg over Remington any day. I like the Mossberg action and design better. It's a personal thing, most people prefer the Remington - because they're sissies.

    And as far as Linda being a girly girl - uh, dude, seriously, did you see her in that movie? She was more buff than Aaaaahnold - ugh.

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  14. NeuronDoc, which bowl with the green ribbon thingy, the top one, or the bottom one? The larger top one is available, the bottom one is somebody's Christmas present. Sorry, not yours ;)

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  15. Gosh I feel all manly now. Why couldn't you have posted this yesterday -- and then I would've given my astronomy class today a MANLY multiple-guess test which would've put chest hairs on their H-R diagrams and sideburns on their white dwarfs.

    Temp Shop Cat™ looks very much at ease in that den of kitty... backspace backspace backspace... MANLY kitty eating machines.

    You, sir, as they say, have been claimed in the name of Spain.

    Dr. Phil

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  16. Oh, and as far as girly Terminator girls go, my money is on Summer Glau. Did you see her Serenity River Tam dismember an entire ship's worth of Reavers? Cameron is the machine reincarnation of River.

    Time travel across show franchises is a bitch.

    Dr. Phil

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  17. Gosh I feel like an intruder reading about such manly occupations.

    If I remember right, the semi-autonomous dust-mop system (tm) and vole neutralizer is a female. How does she feel about all of this sweating, belching, flatulence and general chest thumping?

    Minor deities must be appeased.

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  18. I think she's got the manly unit well under control.

    Dr. Phil

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  19. Speaking of Christmas gifts...

    You were going to let me know what was available for my Dad?

    Please?

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  20. My mom has two outside cats, and my dad has the stupidest miniature dachshund alive.

    No more furry creatures at their house.

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  21. Michelle, I actually kinda like daschunds, but I've never met one that could be even remotely described as smart.

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  22. I'll send you an email with some hi-res photos of the two pieces you were interested in.

    Janiece, I've finished the piece I talked you about and I'll forward you pictures as well.

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  23. Oh, the two standard dachshunds we grew up with were pretty smart.

    Max had a food radar that never quit, and would wake up from a sound sleep several rooms away whenever a bag of grapes or an apple was removed from the refrigerator. Would sleep through all other 'fridge raids. Could also strip a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth and spit out the foil wrapper.

    His successor, Nikki, was pretty smart too, just a little more sneaky devious. Maybe my brother will remember more of her exploits, he was still living at home during the Nikki years. Phil?

    Neither would have made good shop dogs, they were always pretty insulted when our Dad brought in large power tools that made whiney noises...

    WendyB_09

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  24. Jim, I'll be waiting without bated breath.

    My Dad has standard dachshunds when I was little, and one in particular was very smart. Ari was also pretty awesome.

    Bounder (the current dog) however, is one of the stupidest animals I have ever met. I mean, he is a dachshund who is afraid of enclosed spaces like large empty boxes--never mind under the sofa.

    I wish my Dad would have gotten a standard. They much better.

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  25. Oorah! grunt...grunt...men...huh!

    Yeah! Grrr....

    Mmmmm...cat...grunt...burp...tastes like rabbit...

    Lock & load!

    grunt...beer...grunt...Oorah!

    there now, I most certainly feel much more manly after that. Thank you sir.

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  26. Wow, I feel a little faint after being assaulted with all that manliness.

    The shop semi-autonomous dust-mop system (tm) and vole neutralizer is not adorable. Not at all.

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  27. She's even less adorable in person. Much.


    And Phil, I can kill you with my brain. Yeah, I admit to a manly type crush on Summer Glau - it's not just that she's exotically attractive, but she's just incredibly graceful. She moves, and you know she's a dancer.

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  28. Plus, she can kill you with her brain.

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  29. I think I saw a puddy-tat.

    And his name is "Jim."

    ::runs away::

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  30. I feel the need to burp and scratch myself now. Too much testosterone for me.

    Cassie

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  31. Jim, you ever see The River Tam Sessions?

    http://www.session416.com/

    Dr. Phil

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  32. Dr. Phil,

    Just noticed your question.

    Yes, I did see those. They're on the extra's disk in Director's HD cut of Serenity.

    You bet I watched them. Summer Glau. mmmm mmmmmmmmm. I love that girl.

    ReplyDelete
  33. i feel faint. i always faint around manly men and manly tools. uh i meant manly equipment. no. that doesn't sound right. i just fainted.

    ReplyDelete

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