Thursday, April 22, 2010

From the Stonekettle Station Inbox: Tea Time

I get mail. Lately I’ve been getting mail from Tea Party people. Sometimes I respond, because it amuses me to do so. Allow me to share a recent conversation with you, this is one of the more coherent ones:


Dear Mr. Wright,

I love your Stone Kettle Station, so don’t take this the wrong way.

You are a very good writer but you should stick to humor,  because your attacks on the TEA party and Governor Palin are inappropriate and wrongheaded. Your continued use of the disgusting insult “teabagger” is beneath someone of your talents and equating patriotic Americans to homosexual perversion is deeply offensive to many people. You need to stop doing it now and apologize immediately.

The TEA party is not composed of crazy or stupid people and they are some of the smartest people I have yet met. I invite you to attend any rally anywhere in the country. You will see we represent real America.

Sincerely, <name deleted – I’ll call him Lipton, like the tea, the kind that comes in a teabag>

Don’t take this the wrong way?  You’d be a great writer if you’d only write what I want instead of what you actually write. Yes.



I’m intrigued.  Define “real America.”

Also, you appear to be confused as to the origin of the term ‘teabagger.’

//Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station

P.S. You probably shouldn’t hold your breath awaiting my imminent apology.


Dear Mr. Wright,

I resent your implication.  You’ve made it quite clear on your blog that you think we are all racists or bigots.  But it is not racist to point out that so-called multiculturalism is destroying our country.  We are losing our America by trying to be all things to all people. America is a country of majority rule, minorities need to adapt to the norm of the majority instead of diluting our culture and traditions.  Political correctness is destroying everything from our traditional Christian holidays to school proms.  The president and our leaders should be members of the majority, not a minority, because they are supposed to represent the majority of Americans and not push the agenda of special interest.  You need to read the Constitution.

TEA stands for Taxed Enough Already, and we come from all walks of life.  Americans are being crushed by taxation in order to pay for a liberal socialist agenda that we do not want.  The founders fought for liberty from taxation. We are the spiritual inheritors of those great patriots and we must retake our country from this tyranny that is attempting to redistribute our wealth to people who aren’t even Americans!

Sincerely, <Lipton>

All walks of life? Oh yes, we have both kinds of music, country and western!


Wow. You’ve certainly convinced me that I’m wrong about your organization.  You’ve also made it clear why everybody at your teabagger rally looks like they just came from a Ku Klux Klan potluck.

TEA may, in your mind, stand for Taxed Enough Already, but that’s not where the name of your movement came from.  You seem to forget that “teabagger” was first proudly used by members of tea parties, who dressed up in make believe colonial costumes and mailed tea bags to members of Congress and the President (which is odd, considering that the British colonial subjects who went down to throw crates of tea into Boston harbor were dressed as native Americans, but I digress).   You called yourselves teabaggers and you got ridiculed for it. Man up and deal with it.

While we’re on this subject, allow me to clarify a couple points:

1) I could call you all “ignorant stupid hysterical racist homophobic jesusfreaking rightwing assholes” but in the context of my blog teabagger is just easier to type and means the same thing, so I’ll stick with that. OK?

2) The act referred to as “teabagging” is neither the exclusive domain of gay men or necessarily a “perversion” (hell, in some contexts it’s not even a sexual act).  In fact, teabagging is really only outrageous if it is performed between homophobic heterosexuals (and not necessarily all parties involved need be males – though obviously one must be).  There are numerous terms that define certain sexual acts that are used as insults, the fact that you are so offended by this particular one, and that you perceive it to be exclusively a “homosexual perversion,” demonstrates your organization’s deep seated bigotry and homophobia – well, that in addition to the overt bigotry and homophobia I mean.

3) Taxes, according to the Government Accounting Office and a number of independent sources, are lower now than they have been in over three decades.  And by  GAO and independent sources, I don’t mean Glenn Beck or FoxNews. Taxed enough already? You pay less taxes than damned near any other civilized country in the world, and less now than Americans have in over 35 years.

4) Americans are hardly being “crushed by taxes.”  During the Great Depression, 30 million Americans lived in Hoover Towns and subsisted on boiled barley and nettle soup and lard sandwiches. You? You had to settle for the 46” LCD TV instead of the 76” Plasma.  You’re not so destitute that you can’t afford an internet connection. Oh, the humanity, how shall we bear this terrible burden?

5) Look up the definition of “tyrant.”  Seriously.  While you’ve got the dictionary open, look up “majority.”  You teabaggers are, by your own claim, not a party. You’re leaderless, unorganized and beholden to no one, so say you.  By your own press releases, you’re a mob of angry ignorant people who make up a fraction of American voters. A fraction. Not a majority. And since you are a minority - according to your own words - your opinion doesn’t matter. QED.

6) I suppose we could refer to it as Reagonomics or Trickle Down Economics or the Free Market Adjustment, if “redistribute the wealth” scares you so much. Redistribution of wealth is what capitalism is all about.

You’re going to have to do better than regurgitate puerile teabagger talking points at me.  Fail, try again. 

//Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station

Personally, I’d say it’s probably a good thing that they didn’t call themselves “felchers.” Just saying.

Dear Mr. Wright,

Please stop describing disgusting sexual perversions in your replies to me. This is my family email address and I don’t appreciate such language. Your attitude towards Christians is disturbing and your disrespect is unacceptable. I don’t want my wife or children to see such things. You are very good with language, I’m sure you can get your point across without such vulgarity.

It is you that doesn’t know the definition of tyranny.  Everyday our rights are being taken away.  For example you do not have to look any further than the Federal Reserve, the so-called “Fed.”  America was founded as a capitalist society and it became the most powerful nation in history because of that.  But progressives and liberals imposed a socialist central bank on American business.  We used to be called the “arsenal of democracy” but not anymore because this secret central bank has destroyed American business and industry.  Now these same liberals are forcing government run healthcare down our throats not unlike Nazi Germany. 

You need to educate yourself.  I invite you to any TEA Party meeting so you can see for yourself.  If you keep an open mind you will be surprised. I would love to see you write about that experience, because it will change your life.  We could use people like you.

Sincerely, <Lipton>

Lipton has an unusual recruiting technique.



Would Jesus be offended if I used the term Testicle Gargler instead of teabagger? How about Scrotum Dipper? Ball Washer? Nut Nibbler? Teste Tonguer? No? 

As to disrespecting your religion. Respect goes both ways, Sparky, you want respect? You have to give it.  When God starts respecting the beliefs and lifestyles of others, I’m sure he’ll get the appropriate respect in return. Ditto for Jesus. Frankly, I’m not holding my breath on either one, since it doesn’t appear the apple rolled very far from the tree.

Speaking of educating yourself: Step One, stop listening to Ron Paul.  Seriously, <Lipton>, the whole “Federal Reserve is unconstitutional!” routine is such laughable bullshit that I’m not even going to address it.  And your timing is about three decades off, since the whole “arsenal of democracy” bit was during WWII, about 30 years after the implementation of the Fed.  Step Two, stop listening to Sarah Palin. Or anybody who uses the “Nazis forced people to get universal healthcare!” argument – because seriously here buddy, that’s just fucking retarded. 

Honestly, <Lipton> you want me to believe that teabaggers aren’t ignorant and stupid? Then you should probably stop acting ignorant and stupid and should probably stop following people who are ignorant and stupid.

//Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station.


Mr. Wright,

I am very offended by your language and your disrespect towards Christians.  I will be contacting my lawyer and I will pray for you.

Sincerely, <Lipton>

Don’t act like you can’t figure out what’s coming next.



So, I’m guessing a blowjob in the parking lot is out of the question?

I look forward to hearing from your lawyer.

//Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station


Mail handler cannot deliver message.  Unspecified error, address blocked

Address blocked? What the hell? I guess they can’t use people like me after all. Oh well.


I get mail folks, sometimes it’s from crazy people.


  1. On a related note, Ron Rosenbaum has a nice evisceration of teabaggers' poor understanding of history up over at Slate that's worth a look.

    On another related but maybe more tangential note: am I the only one who can't hear/read someone saying "read the Constitution" without thinking of that Futurama episode where Al Gore explains that one of the roles of Vice-President is to protect the space-time continuum and chastises Fry for not knowing that? ("I thought your duty was to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate." "That, and protect the space-time continuum--read the Constitution.")

    Favorite part of your exchange with Mr. Lipton: "America is a country of majority rule, minorities need to adapt to the norm of the majority instead of diluting our culture and traditions. Huh. So if a majority votes for a Democratic President and for a majority of Democratic Senators, and a majority of these majority-elected officials passes, oh, I don't know, a healthcare reform bill, maybe a minority needs to, oh, let's say, get bent, quit their bitching and get used to it? Maybe? I mean, okay, we have institutions like the courts that exist to avert "tyrannies of the majority" and to protect the rights of politically-impotent minorities, but I didn't understand Lipton to be a fan of that concept, either.

    Also, better than thinking you'd be a better writer if you wrote what Lipton wanted: thinking you'd be a better correspondent if you wrote the e-mail replies he wanted.

    Finally, not sure if I'd go to one of those meetings with an "open mind": I think they have brain slugs at the door. If you go to one, I recommend stopping up all orifices that could allow entry to the inside of your skull....

  2. i think you must be right about the brain slugs. I've seen folks who are supposed to be intelligent subscribe to the tea party beliefs, as if it were a religious conversion.

  3. Dito what both Eric and CJandErik said (check to see that I got my C's and K's in the right names... and moving on)

    Thanks for posting this exchange, it is truly of the jaw dropping variety. I am always amazed to hear people advocate for disbanding the fed. Are they seriously advocating for no central bank? That gives me the same reaction as when I hear people advocate for a rejection of the fiat system. "Really? Have you thought this through? And have you taken reality into account?"

    But, at the same time, it is all too common. Here in Colorado we have people in one of our most conservative communities rejecting a tax increase and then bitching that they don't like the budget cuts the city put in place (for reference this is the stomping ground of a notorious activist Douglas Bruce.) As an informed observer I almost want to see one or more of the truly anti-government measures pass because I think that it would be an eye opener, but emails like Lipton's make me think that it would just be blamed on the MSM advocating for a socialist\fascist ass raping of real Americans.

  4. That's awesome, I don't think I've giggled so much in a long while :-)

  5. Why is it that people who are so determined to get government out of their lives, are so quick to want to get lawyers involved?

    Dr. Phil

  6. The women's auxiliary is called the Loyal order of Felchers, with the under 16 set being the Felcheretts.

    This junior division is of course limited to practicing with fathers and other close male relatives to protect their innocence. However the act may be done with a male in the same age group in the back of a rusty pick up from time to time.

    Felching Ron Paul is the supreme act, but they haven't figured out how to make a Plaster Cast of it yet.

  7. "... equating teabaggers to patriotic Americans is deeply offensive to many people."

    Fixed that for your correspondent.

  8. I hope you follow the advice of Lipton, and attend a TEA meeting. I mean, be sure to wear clean undies, in case you happen across the wrong sort of teabagger group -- but I would like to hear your report on such a thing.

    Ok, so more than wanting to hear the report, the thought of you sitting through a meeting makes me giggle inside, but still, you should totally do it.

    C'mon Jim, all the rest of Alaska is doing it.

    [jim, jim, Jim, Jim, JIM, JIM, JIM, JIM.


    Spyhor: A hooker that blindfolds you and searches through your pockets while teabagging.

  9. He loves your blog but he's surprised by the language you use? I have to wonder what he ever approved of here. And he's contacting his lawyer? I can't wait to find out exactly what law you've run afoul of.

  10. I can't wait to find out exactly what law you've run afoul of.

    Teeth. Jim has teeth. Teabaggers strictly adhere to the "no teeth" rule. For obvious reasons.

    Bootond: How you say "Boot On" with a cold.

  11. JPRt, disbanding the Fed is a central theme of Ron Paul. You can usually spot the Ron Paul Teabaggers in conversation because it's one of the first things they bring up - of course, not one of them actually has a clue, and most don't actually know what the Federal Reserve is (note Lipton's reference to a "secret bank"), or why it was put in place. They also don't seem to understand that the first central bank of the United States was put in place by the framers of the Constitution themselves, hardly the folks to do something unconstitutional (though, Thomas Jefferson was opposed to central banking, which may be where Paul got the idea that it's unconstitutional).

  12. Lipton's ignorance and hypocrisy is mindboggling. You, on the other hand, are hilarious.

  13. If he's surprised by the language you use on your blog it's a good thing he never worked for you.

    Hilarious BTW...

  14. Jim, reading this just made my crappy Friday morning soooo much better. Your debating skills are unparalleled.

  15. Masterful, simply masterful. I stand in awe (at your dismantling of Lipton and at Lipton's complete mental buggery). Now, I must go wipe off the coffee that squirted out of my nose whilst reading that truly incredible post. Jeez Jim, you could give a guy some warning!

  16. I'd like to be flattered, and I take the compliments in the spirit offerred, but seriously here folks it's not like debating Lipton and the Teabaggers requires any great skill.

    Also, Lipton and the Teabaggers is my name for a Christain Rock parody band.

  17. Jim, I wish you hadn't mentioned "flecher". I learned a couple of years ago what it meant and had finally gotten it out of my mind. Now you bring it up again. And at lunch time too.

    follated: what happens to someone after too much felchering.

  18. I do believe this proves beyond a reasonable doubt that you, Jim Wright, are a masochist and a glutton for punishment.

    You probably shouldn't mention that to Carol Elaine though.

    scomo = pretty much the subject of this comment thread

  19. tim111, I hope you didn't get tapioca pudding with your lunch...

  20. Hee.

    Warner wins the Internet today for his backhanded dig at "Purity Balls."

    And I thought the same thing Eric did - if majority rules, does that mean all those white dudes running Texas will soon pack up and leave their positions of power in favor of people who are a little more brown? No?

    Yeah. I thought not.

  21. Nick from the O.C.April 23, 2010 at 6:44 PM

    I was going to post on the Jefferson/Hamilton fight and then you made the correct reference, so that post is now history. (As are both Jefferson and Hamilton, by the way.)

    The lesson to be learned is not from Ron Paul, but from another man named Ron: "You can't fix stupid."

    shcoungr = scrounger for the schlong, a teabagger

  22. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is why I started posting reader-submitted complaints on my blog: they are much funnier than anything I could come up with. This one's excellent.

  23. I'm surprised you didn't pick up on this comment as proof of Lipton's racism:

    "The president and our leaders should be members of the majority, not a minority, because they are supposed to represent the majority of Americans and not push the agenda of special interest."

    although you do point out that a majority of Americans voted for the party currently in power. I don't think Lipton would be writing that if we had a white president.

  24. I did pick up on it Bill, hence my sarcastic response:

    Wow. You’ve certainly convinced me that I’m wrong about your organization. You’ve also made it clear why everybody at your teabagger rally looks like they just came from a Ku Klux Klan potluck.

  25. I do believe this proves beyond a reasonable doubt that you, Jim Wright, are a masochist and a glutton for punishment.

    You probably shouldn't mention that to Carol Elaine though.


    *off to think of a fitting punishment*

    (Seriously, Jim, damned brilliant responses. I find it funny how thin-skinned the folks on the right seem to be when confronted with facts. Poor little Lipton.)

    flahi: flatulence caused by mahi mahi

  26. So let me get this straight - here in Canada we enjoy universal health care, so I should thanks Nazi Germany? Really?

  27. I thought the same as Shawn: "damn, now Jim won't go to a Tea Party party and report on it. :( "

    I'm sure it would have turned out better than the Walmart posts.

  28. Jim,
    I should have known you wouldn't have let Lipton's comment slide. I bow to your subtlety.

    garati -- what assasins who use the garrote as a method of killing are called.


    I can't believe someone would actually DARE to argue with you. There are some silly people in that "TEA" party.

    And the fact that you called him Lipton made me laugh :)

  30. Jim, Lipton wants the President to be a majority.

    There are more whites in the US than any other race.

    There are more females than males.

    There are more non-college-graduates than college graduates.

    Now we now why they are so hot on support for Sarah Palin. She's a majority!


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